Not sure about 5 year relationship... What do I really want?
April 28, 2014 11:20 PM Subscribe
I am 21 and my boyfriend is almost 23. We have been together since I was a sophomore and he a senior in high school. He's a good guy, a gentleman, and takes great care of me and his family is wonderful. Sometimes I feel like I'm not actually even that into him though, and have never have been. But why leave when there's nothing really wrong and he's so great to me and I really care for him? Am I taking him for granted?
posted by anon1129 to Human Relations (23 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I know I asked a question like this before but I feel like I didn't explain everything very well. Id like I explain myself more clearly here. My boyfriend and I met when we were very young. He is basically my first actual serious relationship. I am his first girlfriend, first kiss, everything. I had friends prior to dating him but when we started dating I pretty much didn't keep up any friendships. I am a shy and to myself person anyways. He is also shy and quiet. He didn't really hang out with anyone either. I slowly lost all friends and he went to college where he didn't know anyone and we became each other's only friend.
I feel really guilty for feeling like this but actually when we first started going out I wasn't sure that I actually liked him. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I feel like I said yes so I didn't hurt his feelings. I know this was a horrible thing to do. I have grown to love him though, I really do care for him and think he's a good person. We are very attatched to one another. His family is amazing to me.
I am not close to my family and they are very dysfunctional. I have depression and social anxiety and low self confidence. I am working on these things.
We have talked about marriage in the past couple years. He tells me He wants to marry me. I smtold him that I do too. Intellectually I think he's good for me. But somehow I feel like it's not what I really want, I've never been excited about it. I feel so incredibly guilty and selfish for not really letting him know this..... My doubts about wanting to be with him really got to me over last summer and I ended up breaking up with him in October. I decided that I didn't want to continue the relationship if I wasn't 100% sure and committed. I felt like I wasn't done dating and didn't want to spend my young years already feeling bored and like I was married. I felt like I lost my identity in the relationship just when I was forming one when I was in high school. When I broke up with him I felt like I was doing the right thing. I didn't actually feel all that sad, Which I thought was really strange. During that time I hung out with old high school friends, went to a couple parties, experimented with marijuana a couple times and got drunk for the first time, things no one would ever think I would do. I also left my job of five years and started a new one. I was under extreme stress and felt extremely depressed and anxious. I felt like my high school fiends and I changed a lot and I didn't want to have the lifestyle they did. We stopped hanging out.
I started talking to my then ex again, I realized what he added to my life and that I missed him and slowly and we eventually got back together in January. But now the doubts are back. We haven't really talked about the break up that much, he says that I pretend like it didn't happen, I'm still confused as to what happened as it feel like two completely different people when I'm with him and who I was during that time with my friends...
We both live at home currently. I have attended community college for three years now and am about to transfer to a state university in my area, (if I can pick a major...). My boyfriend is actually one year away from gettig his pharmacy degree, which is so so awesome for him. The plan is to move in together after he graduates and gets a job. But why am I not excited? I'm seriously confused about this and feel so so guilty for feeling this way, I really wish I didn't... I feel like such a selfish person...