My insecurity is killing my relationship
April 23, 2014 1:52 AM Subscribe
So I've spent countless hours on this corner of Metafilter and yet, I need your help. My boyfriend and I -both 25- have been long distance for about 7 months. We knew each other two months before me leaving. I'll be moving in with him in a week when I move back to my home country. Long distance has been incredibly rough. First year of law school and being in a semi-wholly alien culture has been rough. A lot of factors were thrown into the mix: my being on new anti anxiety meds, I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship where I was cheated on. I love him a great deal, but the idea of moving in with him scares me to death.
posted by kinoeye to Human Relations (7 answers total)
I've tried pulling out of the relationship a few times but it's never worked because to him the reasons seemed silly. I'm on the far end of the 'possessive, jealous' spectrum. I'm incredibly uncomfortable going out in public with him because I worry about him looking at other girls. As far as guys go, he's less lascivious than most guys, but my need for security is so so strong (I had an unstable upbringing) that I feel I can only do justice to a relationship if my guy were completely honest and had only eyes for me. I just feel really threatened if I suspect he finds another female attractive.
I've had therapy since I was 18 and I'm pretty confident on what I value in a relationship...that my guy only have eyes for me. I wasn't looking for anything remotely serious when I met him. I've been open about my needs and he's been trying really hard (he cut off all social media because it was causing fights in our relationship) to make me feel secure. He had a habit of telling white lies and he was into NLP/pick up artistry, but he's been trying really hard to not do the former anymore and the latter is a thing of the past. He's a bit contradictory...for instance, he was in a two year celibate relationship because his girlfriend was religious and he really is the best boyfriend (a girl who isn't me) could ask for. That said, I don't want to change who he is (because I believe you can't). I just want us to be happy, that's the bottom line. The last thing I want is for us to be in more pain (because of the long distance, and because of my insecurity).
He really wants to make it work, and I do too. But this whole year has been so emotionally draining that I don't know if I could cope with not having things work out with someone I'm living with. I've also been mildly self harming (for the serotonin) and upping my dosage and being spontaneously weepy. I know what I would tell myself if I were to comment on this post: leave. It's too complicated, you're young, it's long distance. You're not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship. Also, objectively speaking, I've been growing more and more insecure/unreasonable lately. I got really insecure when he went out for a movie with his best friend, his best friend's sister and her boyfriend (he made sure to tell me beforehand) and wanted to break up because of it. The problem is, I know I'm being unreasonable, and I'd rather believe we're a bad fit than that I'm a nutcase. I do think we could be a better fit, and I wonder if I have what it takes emotionally to compromise (my mind says find something easier! my heart says you don't know what you're doing) and build the trust (as he says we need to do).
I know what I'm asking for in a relationship is a lot and there are very few guys who could meet my needs. Effort has not really been a hurdle to me though. I know this is the 'high highs and low lows' relationship we all have at some point. But there's also the fact that when time allows, we talk for four or five hours straight late into the night. He flew 28 hours to visit me for three weeks and we pretty much spent most of our time in bed. We're so close it feels like he's physically a part of me. To make things more complicated, he's the only guy I know who doesn't watch porn (which is a deal breaker to me) and god knows (actually I've been trying to keep count) how many of them are left.
I just feel so vulnerable right now that I'm wary of growing even closer. Any thoughts, beyond or at least in addition to the inevitable 'break up'?
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