online dating, texting, and rejection etiquette
April 16, 2014 8:22 PM Subscribe
I'm an early 30s lesbian who spent most of her 20s in committed relationships. My latest and most significant ended about a year ago and I've started dipping my toe in the scary online dating waters. I'm not ready to get serious yet but since I've been in these long relationships, I've never really 'dated around' per se, except maybe in my very early 20s- although at the time I was pretty closeted and neurotic, so I hardly even count that.
Anyway, I registered on OkCupid and messaged back and forth with a few people. Somewhat naively, I gave two of them my phone number to text. BAD IDEA.
posted by anad487 to Human Relations (16 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I'm a texter but I'm not married to my phone. They started messaging me so often that I felt annoyed and frankly borderline stalked (to the point where I deleted my OKC profile and one noticed within 15 minutes and asked what had happened). I realized quickly that I had no interest in either of them- mostly because they came on too strong, but I could already tell it wouldn't go anywhere even if I did meet them. And for various reasons I don't even see friendships with either of them. They are both nice people, I just don't feel a connection, friendship or otherwise. And I don't feel a need to text or contact anyone, even close friends, to the extreme that they texted me. Maybe if I 'felt it' with these people I wouldn't mind.
So I started responding less and less. The first one got the hint after a day or two and finally stopped communicating with me. The other one continues to send me messages that are either petty complaints that show an alarming lack of maturity, or open ended questions like 'how are you.' Oh and stupidly I accepted her friend request on Facebook when we first started talking (it's really only been about 2 weeks) because, like I said, naive, haven't dated in a long time- since before Facebook and texting blew up, apparently!
I have literally NEVER reached out to either of these people first and I'm honestly astounded that anyone would keep trying after my lackadaisical responses- I either don't respond or will write back something short although not immediately.
Last time I tried online dating it was the total opposite. I was interested in the people I dated; they weren't interested in me. I've been blown off a lot and I KNOW it sucks, but I've never been pushy to the point that these people have and it boggles my mind.
I know I'm not handling this right but I can't help but feel like… I've never met these people. So, my questions are really:
- Do I owe them an explanation about why I don't want to talk to them?
-Is it unethical to just stop answering messages from someone you're not interested in if you've never met them? Does this change if you HAVE met them once or twice?
- Do people ACTUALLY have these weird texting relationships before a first date… is this standard now?!
I have no interest in someone I don't even know yet having 24/7 communication access. I miss the days where you chatted on AIM and just blocked the person if they got creepy.