I met a guy on okc last October. He asked me out several times during November and I cancelled every time. He then deactivated his account for three months. He reappeared mid March this year and we have been hanging out once or twice a week since. To what end I am completely unsure.
I guess I could just come out and ask him but I am a complete freak when it comes to my own romantic situations - I have no idea how to read them, I cannot guide myself and I spend a lot of time very, very confused... as well as bordering on panic. Help me figure out what is going on here and what I should do about it.
There is a very long story inside, but I swear to you, I have looked on here, as well as googled my issue and all I can find is quizzes on cosmopolitan.com to help me, or advice blogs from chauvinists. Of no assistance.
posted by DeadFlagBlues to Human Relations (21 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
So. Met a dude on OkCupid in October of last year. We chatted casually and became facebook friends pretty fast. I had just moved to his town from a larger city so we had this in common. Anyway, he asked to meet me a few times and I continued to back out (I guess I felt that perhaps we didn't have *enough* in common - he seemed uber healthy and sporty and I am more your standard angry punk). Then he finally pinned me down to a casual meet up (a walk around the local lake) and I again cancelled on the day of the date. He rescheduled two more times, me cancelling each time, before I told him that rescheduling was not a good idea. He accepted this (apparently he was kind of seeing someone and was only looking to be my friend anyway – relevant) and that was that. He deleted his okc account for 3 months and we didn't contact one another. whatevs.
He reappeared on OKC in mid-March as his romance was over (nothing sinister) and we messaged every day for a week before he was like "Movies. This time. Tomorrow" I said fine and actually went. It was fine, pleasant, we went for a single drink after then he walked me back to my car and we said we should take that lake walk sometime etc etc. I figured he was just being nice and hanging out with me because I knew no one in Ballarat. I didn't feel like it had romantic undertones. He texted me two days later and we organised a hang out for a couple of days after that. Just a bike ride around the town. Then a few days after that he asked me to see a band with him which turned out being sold out so he hung at my house instead and we listened to music and talked crap for a solid 6 hours before going to bed. I went to mine, he went to the spare bed ( I mean there was no flirting or kissing or anything prior to this point so I wasn't expecting any nookie at the end note, know what I'm saying?). Throughout the night we spoke of internet dating and meeting people and stuff... I dunno, I detected a mate vibe so I adjusted my thoughts accordingly and went matey instead of flirty - meaning I belched several times over the remainder of the evening instead of holding that shit in. Five minutes later he knocks on my door, makes some cute joke and in he comes. Fine, it was good. I was comfortable with the situation, we had fun and it was all very nice.
Next morning he has to go to work but asks me to see a band that same night. Tells me he will pick me up at 9:30pm. I am super excited until approximately 8:30pm when I have a brain freak out and coldly cancel on him via text in less than 15 words. I apologise the next day for cancelling at such short notice and tell him we should catch up again that week and he should text me when he is free. He replies that its fine and that he’d like that.
He texts me 2 days later and says "Twin Peaks. Take-away. My house. 7:30pm". Awesome, I'm in. I go, over we don’t greet with a hug or a kiss - standard, but he has already organised the dinner and its sitting there waiting for me. The catch is we have to watch twin peaks in his room because that’s where the tv is, but instead of letting me sit on his bed with him to eat and watch, he makes me sit on this shithouse computer chair. For like 1 hour. While he lounges on a queen-size bed. What the eff? I quickly decide yet again that we are just mates and I, again, have misread his signals. He also comments throughout the show on the attractiveness of women "she's a babe!" etc.
I finally become so uncomfortable on this horrible chair that I ask if we can at least swap for a bit. He agrees. We swap. AM I ON MARS, DUDE? Anyway, after about 30 minutes of that, he finally joins me on the bed, tells me to get under the covers, starts touching my leg, I mean it wasn't sleazy in reality but it was unexpected because just 30 minutes ago we weren't allowed to share the same space apparently... I felt annoyed by the change. It dawns on me that I am a possible FWB to this guy. I wait for the episode to finish and I bail. With haste. It's AWKWARD. He looks like he has no idea what's just happened. I practically fart out of my mouth "soffry, I'm just, I can't do some... friends with benefits thing.. fffhhfhf" He ignores that completely and walks me to my car, says goodbye and I FLEE. I F L E E. I think to myself "well, i am never talking to him again. How awkward that was. How silly of me to think there was something there other than just sex". 3 days pass. It is the weekend. He messages me on Facebook - "come see a band with me tonight in the city". I decline saying I cant be bothered going to the city. That's the end of the conversation. He then texts me the next day saying he didn't end up seeing the band last night but they are playing again 'tonight in a closer city'. "Frick it" I think, "I'll go". So I do. We have lots of fun, just hanging out, no pressure. We get along really well this guy and I and actually do have a whole heap in common. He drops me home but then texts me ten minutes later saying he wants to come over/come in/ etc etc. I just ignore it. I figure I don't have the time for someone who doesn't have the bojangles to just ask to come in when he is ACTUALLY OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. Anyway, end of.
I actually end up texting him about 3 days after that and say we should do some weight lifting together at the gym (this is something we have previously discussed) and he says “my house, Tuesday, 5:30pm”. Awesome, I go and he has taken it all very seriously – designed a program for me etc which I thought was really cool and we had a good time, chatted, laughed, joked throughout the hour that we hung out and exercised. I left and said we should go see a band sometime soon and he told me he wanted me to go see The Lego movie with him. “Okay, great, I’ll text you later in the week”. So on the Friday I text him and ask what he is up to. He replies that he has dinner plans with his family. Then he sends a follow up text suggesting that he come around for a beer and to “see my girlfriend (Suzy)” (he is obsessed with my dog Suzy – understandable) at about 9pm. I tell him he definitely should. I mean, I am thinking we are just friends you know, and I know no one so I really continue thinking its above board type stuff. Anyway, he comes over, we hang out for 4 hours or so, have about 3 beers each, have fun, talk about all sorts of stuff and then I tell him I need to sleep, ask him if he wants to stay (he does) and where would he like to sleep (wherever). I tell him if he goes to bed in the spare room he isn't to come to my door 5 minutes later – if he wants to be in my bed, he gets in my bed now. He finds this funny and comes to bed with me. Awesomeness ensues.
Next morning, all intimate, snuggling, cuddling, chatting softly, laughing, generally just lots of nice tenderness. We have a shower together, I wash him, he washes me, I make him breakfast and then we watch a doco before he has to leave to go play footy. He suggests we catch up again the next week to do more weights, I agree. No hugs or kisses happen upon his exit.
I spend the day feeling GREAT about this. I think it’s nice just to have a man be nice to me without having to worry about anything more than that. Well, let’s see, that balance lasted for about 12 hours and now I am kind of doing my head in. I guess I’m confused about whether we are dating or seeing each other, or friends or what the eff. We have been hanging out about twice a week for a month and have slept together on two of those occasions. It is far too early to have any kind of conversation with him in my opinion, or is it? I AM TERRIFIED OF COMING ACROSS AS NEEDY. Or insecure. Or bossy. Or demanding.
I have never had a FWB type situation before so am unsure how they work, what they look like to be able to tell if this is what this is. I have also never before really dated someone before without knowing from the start where it was going. I guess online dating implies some kind of romantic intention but this guy has actually said he is happy to just meet friends on there and that he has done in the past. I’m confused. Is this a thing or is this nothing? I am ultimately looking for a relationship so don’t really want to waste my time with anything less if this is clearly not leading to something but I have no idea either way.