Help me help my brother learn how to be a better listener and friend.
April 11, 2014 8:03 PM   Subscribe

My brother needs resources to help him learn to be a better listener and friend to those he cares about.

My brother is a good, well-intentioned person who talks only about himself, interrupts during conversations, and does not listen when others are speaking. He often forgets to show interest in others, and fills silent moments with mundane details of his own life instead of allowing the conversation to flow to other subjects. He also has a general tendency to be self-centered and selfish around friends and family members.

He doesn't mean to do this. I have mentioned this to him before, but he never believed me until this week, when a date said she didn't want to see him anymore for essentially these reasons. Tonight he called me upset and said, "I had no idea I had such a huge personality problem." I believe he would be devastated if he really understood how much he alienates and offends others with his behavior.

He has not been diagnosed with any behavior/personality disorders, and doesn't show other signs of any I'm aware of. I believe this behavior stems from our messed up childhood, in which selfishness and talking about himself was not really an option. I am 100% sure that therapy is not something he would pursue anytime soon, so I'm going for baby steps, here.

Now that he is open to trying to a better listener and friend, I would like to gently point him to some resources that might help. He is much more likely to consume information in short bursts like articles (with lists?) and podcasts, not books. Help?
posted by crunchysalty to Human Relations (4 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
An obvious starting point, often recommended in AskMe, is How to Win Friends and Influence People, which gives advice about how to make other people feel important in conversation.

Another tip would be to try to make a rule for himself that he can only say one thing about himself at a time, and then he is required to ask something about the other person. Think of it as a tennis game, strict turn-taking, for starters. Maybe you could practice with him a few times? He could also, in a conversation, think about how often he is using the words "I/me/my" etc as opposed to the words "you/yours" etc.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:19 PM on April 11, 2014 [4 favorites]


My first suggestion is for him to grab a copy of Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. If he takes it chapter by chapter (or even starts by skimming through the points), it provides the short bursts you're looking to give him and the most basic advice for being less self involved and more empathetic with others.

Secondly, you mention that he hasn't been diagnosed with anything... Personal experience speaking here, but I know that my ADHD manifested itself heavily in traits your brother has. A doctor isn't likely to notice anything off about a personality like your brother's during an appointment (given that people go in and talk specifically about themselves) after all. Don't let him write off any help that might come from a professional made aware of these issues, especially a therapist who can help him learn the tools to learn to be genuinely interested in others (instead of just faking it - good start, hard to maintain).

On preview: beat to it! 2nding the book.
posted by rideunicorns at 8:49 PM on April 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


I would agree that this probably stems from being used to people NOT listening to him. I grew up in a very large extended family where staying quiet and disengaging from conversation basically wasn't an option. People didn't listen to me or show that they valued what I said; when I wanted to be heard, I had to fight to get a word in edgewise.

His speech habits, then, may be his way of trying to make his presence known whenever he can. It's a very, very hard thing to unlearn. It's SO DEEP.

What could help him a lot is to find people and situations in which he knows he WILL be listened to, where he WILL be safe in expressing himself and being valued. That's where you come in. You can give him that and help him be more comfortable with the way he acts.

I've told this story before, but my husband -- my second husband -- is the first person who I feel has given me this courtesy and love. I never realized how introverted I really am until he gave me that choice. I cried when I told him, on our first anniversary, how he "gave me my silences back," giving me the option to say something or not. He listens to me the first time and reminds me that he's paid attention by remembering and repeating things I say. I have never been so comfortable and content in my own skin.

For a musician, rests aren't the absence of sound; they're silent notes. There's a difference. If you help your brother get to that point, it will be a huge gift.
posted by Madamina at 9:19 PM on April 11, 2014 [13 favorites]


Googling the phrase "active listening" (I don't have a specific article to recommend, but I read a lot of good stuff on this topic recently) may help him start developing indicators of active listening, even if he isn't actually good at it yet. Obviously the goal is for him to BE a good listener, but while he's working on it, understanding the nodding and "oh really?" stuff is going to be a big help, socially.
posted by jessicapierce at 7:57 AM on April 12, 2014


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