My anger is, frankly, getting out of hand.
April 7, 2014 8:29 PM Subscribe
I`ve always had a hard time controlling my anger. Either I let too much out, or I end up bottling it up and feeling super stressed and resentful - either way, I feel awful afterwards. It seems that both happened simultaneously this time around; I got super, unhealthy-level angry at a family member over a problem that, although upsetting to me, is probably trivial in the grand scheme of things. This is no good for my health, and is obviously not helping our relationship. Please help me come up with strategies that I can employ which let someone know that I am upset, yet keep my anger level from rising to the point of no return.
The family member in question and I are two opposite extremes; I am quick to become stressed/anxious, while she is more laid back and lackadaisical. I won`t get into too many details but she did something that, although she considers it to be of little consequence, greatly upset me. The first time this happened, I let her know how upset I was and how important this was to me, and asked her to stop. She agreed, and promised not to do it again.
The same thing happened today. I couldn`t believe that she deliberately did it again, even though she knew how much it bothered me. I felt hurt and a bit betrayed. As I began telling her how upset I was, I received in a dismissive tone of voice responses that I felt indicated she wasn`t taking me seriously; "okay, okay, I got it," stuff like that. This didn`t help, and the anger grew and grew until I was practically shaking. Although I didn`t scream or yell, I certainly spoke loudly and I`m sure it was evident how angry I was. I bottled up the rest, but by then it was too late; movie night was ruined, and I was stuck alone feeling a combination of stressed/angry/sad/hurt/ashamed for the way I handled the whole situation. She looked a little scared by how angry I was getting, and I can`t blame her because I was getting scared as well.
I could have handled this so much better. My reaction was disproportionate to the situation, and was frankly not healthy. I felt on edge for hours afterward. I think a big reason that I got so angry is because I felt that I wasn`t really being taken seriously... until I got angry.
I would like to hear, hopefully from reformed angry people, how they were able to keep their anger from spiraling out of control when dealing with situations that, although upsetting, aren`t anything huge. For example, I`ve tried walking away for a few minutes to cool down; during that time I usually start brooding about the situation and get angrier. So that doesn`t seem to work for me. Maybe I could try to keep away for longer, I don`t know. Also, maybe the way I`m trying to convey how I feel is mistaken? Any ideas/methods are welcome.
I would also like to hear how I might have resolved the situation in a better fashion. How do I get someone to stop doing something that upsets me without using anger, if asking them to stop already didn`t work? Should I have just asked them again to stop, maybe more firmly this time? Tried something else? All I want is to be able to deal with these types of situations without hurting the other person, and to not become angry to the point where I am liable to have an aneurysm.
Thanks in advance.
(I am in therapy, so I plan to bring this stuff up in the next appointment. But my current therapist kind of stinks so I`m not expecting too much.)
The family member in question and I are two opposite extremes; I am quick to become stressed/anxious, while she is more laid back and lackadaisical. I won`t get into too many details but she did something that, although she considers it to be of little consequence, greatly upset me. The first time this happened, I let her know how upset I was and how important this was to me, and asked her to stop. She agreed, and promised not to do it again.
The same thing happened today. I couldn`t believe that she deliberately did it again, even though she knew how much it bothered me. I felt hurt and a bit betrayed. As I began telling her how upset I was, I received in a dismissive tone of voice responses that I felt indicated she wasn`t taking me seriously; "okay, okay, I got it," stuff like that. This didn`t help, and the anger grew and grew until I was practically shaking. Although I didn`t scream or yell, I certainly spoke loudly and I`m sure it was evident how angry I was. I bottled up the rest, but by then it was too late; movie night was ruined, and I was stuck alone feeling a combination of stressed/angry/sad/hurt/ashamed for the way I handled the whole situation. She looked a little scared by how angry I was getting, and I can`t blame her because I was getting scared as well.
I could have handled this so much better. My reaction was disproportionate to the situation, and was frankly not healthy. I felt on edge for hours afterward. I think a big reason that I got so angry is because I felt that I wasn`t really being taken seriously... until I got angry.
I would like to hear, hopefully from reformed angry people, how they were able to keep their anger from spiraling out of control when dealing with situations that, although upsetting, aren`t anything huge. For example, I`ve tried walking away for a few minutes to cool down; during that time I usually start brooding about the situation and get angrier. So that doesn`t seem to work for me. Maybe I could try to keep away for longer, I don`t know. Also, maybe the way I`m trying to convey how I feel is mistaken? Any ideas/methods are welcome.
I would also like to hear how I might have resolved the situation in a better fashion. How do I get someone to stop doing something that upsets me without using anger, if asking them to stop already didn`t work? Should I have just asked them again to stop, maybe more firmly this time? Tried something else? All I want is to be able to deal with these types of situations without hurting the other person, and to not become angry to the point where I am liable to have an aneurysm.
Thanks in advance.
(I am in therapy, so I plan to bring this stuff up in the next appointment. But my current therapist kind of stinks so I`m not expecting too much.)
How do I get someone to stop doing something that upsets me without using anger
You need to let go of the urge to control other people's behaviour. You can't stop someone doing something that upsets you, you can only change your reaction to what they do.
although upsetting to me, is probably trivial in the grand scheme of things
Then keep the grand scheme of things in mind. Ask yourself if it is worth getting upset before reacting with anger to others actions.
I won`t get into too many details but she did something that, although she considers it to be of little consequence, greatly upset me.
Why no details? Are you worried that many responses will say that the act wasn't worth getting angry at? If that is so, then you have your answer. Stop trying to control the actions of others.
The best way to tell someone that what they did upset you is to use your words. "What you did upset me, and I would prefer if you didn't do it." But if what they did is not actually related directly to you, then you don't actually have any right to ask them to change their behaviour just so you feel more comfortable. If it is directly related to you and impacts upon you negatively, and they won't stop, then you need to distance yourself from this person.
posted by Kerasia at 9:02 PM on April 7, 2014 [12 favorites]
You need to let go of the urge to control other people's behaviour. You can't stop someone doing something that upsets you, you can only change your reaction to what they do.
although upsetting to me, is probably trivial in the grand scheme of things
Then keep the grand scheme of things in mind. Ask yourself if it is worth getting upset before reacting with anger to others actions.
I won`t get into too many details but she did something that, although she considers it to be of little consequence, greatly upset me.
Why no details? Are you worried that many responses will say that the act wasn't worth getting angry at? If that is so, then you have your answer. Stop trying to control the actions of others.
The best way to tell someone that what they did upset you is to use your words. "What you did upset me, and I would prefer if you didn't do it." But if what they did is not actually related directly to you, then you don't actually have any right to ask them to change their behaviour just so you feel more comfortable. If it is directly related to you and impacts upon you negatively, and they won't stop, then you need to distance yourself from this person.
posted by Kerasia at 9:02 PM on April 7, 2014 [12 favorites]
I've had some success recently pointing out that I do actually ask nicely and speak nicely about the things that upset me but it takes crying rage before I'm taken seriously. It's a bit of a pattern I have with a few people and it sucks. I'm lucky enough that I can talk about it in that meta way with my partner and he's laid back enough to analyse and agree that it is a tendency we have in our relationship.
The hard part is then working out how to interrupt the cycle. I don't know if we've mastered that, but that's the next goal.
If you learn that anger gets you heard, more than politeness, that's what you start to default to. I have to restrain myself from catastrophising and hyperbolic statements but it does mean I am far more tempered in my speech than my emotions would suggest. So my internal desire to be fair, to be measured, to not use my emotions like weapons is actually reducing the effectiveness of my communication with my partner because he thinks that asking nicely or allowing some joviality, or mentioning it without a horrible conversation about my mental state, means that it's not actually serious.
I spruik it a lot, but mindfully engaging with the 'offence' as well as your own reaction is helpful. So when I know this blow out isn't about what just happened, but is actually about the thing he said this morning, I can actually realise that and then say that. Which has helped enormously.
posted by geek anachronism at 9:33 PM on April 7, 2014 [12 favorites]
The hard part is then working out how to interrupt the cycle. I don't know if we've mastered that, but that's the next goal.
If you learn that anger gets you heard, more than politeness, that's what you start to default to. I have to restrain myself from catastrophising and hyperbolic statements but it does mean I am far more tempered in my speech than my emotions would suggest. So my internal desire to be fair, to be measured, to not use my emotions like weapons is actually reducing the effectiveness of my communication with my partner because he thinks that asking nicely or allowing some joviality, or mentioning it without a horrible conversation about my mental state, means that it's not actually serious.
I spruik it a lot, but mindfully engaging with the 'offence' as well as your own reaction is helpful. So when I know this blow out isn't about what just happened, but is actually about the thing he said this morning, I can actually realise that and then say that. Which has helped enormously.
posted by geek anachronism at 9:33 PM on April 7, 2014 [12 favorites]
I feel like I have a really interesting story about this that I do not want to print here, but go ahead and memail.
Anywho
I call the thing where you walk away and still brood, "Grinding Away On It."
When you are Grinding Away, you are still stuck in that moment. It is helpful to notice and acknowledge when and why you are Grinding Away. It is a signal not to ignore, but to honor your feelings.
The act of validating your position pretty much automatically diffuses the act of Grinding Away at stuff!
You are angry because you are not being validated. It is TRUE you can not control anyone else! IMHE, you cannot control your anger either, only channel it into more productive and healthy responses.
In this case, movie night was over the minute your family member Did The Thing. Grinding Away was your internal message to yourself to walk away entirely and Do Another Thing.
Stop beating yourself up. Start listening to yourself and draw better boundaries (like leaving the environment entirely and putting your time into more peaceful endeavors.)
Suppression gets you nowhere but a bigger explosion down the road. Giving the other person a chance to catch up to you emotionally, or giving them space to continue to act badly without an you to experience their actions, are your BEST options.
Best of luck. Stop beating yourself up for having standards. Adopt a stance where you protect yourself accordingly based on your standards.
posted by jbenben at 9:58 PM on April 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
Anywho
I call the thing where you walk away and still brood, "Grinding Away On It."
When you are Grinding Away, you are still stuck in that moment. It is helpful to notice and acknowledge when and why you are Grinding Away. It is a signal not to ignore, but to honor your feelings.
The act of validating your position pretty much automatically diffuses the act of Grinding Away at stuff!
You are angry because you are not being validated. It is TRUE you can not control anyone else! IMHE, you cannot control your anger either, only channel it into more productive and healthy responses.
In this case, movie night was over the minute your family member Did The Thing. Grinding Away was your internal message to yourself to walk away entirely and Do Another Thing.
Stop beating yourself up. Start listening to yourself and draw better boundaries (like leaving the environment entirely and putting your time into more peaceful endeavors.)
Suppression gets you nowhere but a bigger explosion down the road. Giving the other person a chance to catch up to you emotionally, or giving them space to continue to act badly without an you to experience their actions, are your BEST options.
Best of luck. Stop beating yourself up for having standards. Adopt a stance where you protect yourself accordingly based on your standards.
posted by jbenben at 9:58 PM on April 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
I am not an angry person, in fact I am very slow to anger. But when I do it is with a white hot rage that takes a long time to dissipate. I have run ins with some people who are the total opposite (fast to anger, fast to forgive) and I can't really manage my anger with them so I have to manage what I can control, my exposure to them. I also try to anticipate when a situation is about to occur that will trigger me and I do my best to hightail it out of the room/conversation/situation. So if its just this one family member who is really getting to you try to put some space between you and know that the "thing" they did, they will keep doing so find a method to cope. With no detail it's hard to provide examples. You mentioned movie night, maybe they always talk through the film or give spoilers (wear headphones). Maybe they are always late for carpool, get a different ride, etc...
posted by saradarlin at 10:00 PM on April 7, 2014
posted by saradarlin at 10:00 PM on April 7, 2014
My experience with angry people is that either 1) they were born with that temperament pre-wired, or 2) events in their childhood led to the creation of a lot of unresolved anger.
If you are #1, behavior modification training might help, and if you are #2, replace your lousy therapist.
posted by Dansaman at 10:41 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you are #1, behavior modification training might help, and if you are #2, replace your lousy therapist.
posted by Dansaman at 10:41 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Boy, Thanquol180, I'm with you.
Right now I am dealing with a well-meaning young woman at work who is being utterly infuriating.
Even though she's a nice person, she is entirely incompetent in her work, and every time she files her TPS report with 10-15 mandatory items missing, I get to spend extra time cleaning it up as it's my job to review her reports. No matter how well I train her, no matter how much time I spend trying to teach her, she is so unfocused that she can't do her work properly. She should've been let go long ago.
Our manager won't do a damn thing about it, because unfortunately, she is one of the laziest bosses I have ever seen. Nice person, but a boss who does as little work as possible, and putting people on performance improvement plans or firing them is too much work, apparently.
Every time I get a new TPS report, I know I'm going to get a pile of shit that I'm going to have to stay late to fix. And every time it happens, it makes me want to scream and punch some holes in the wall and throw my computer out the window.
What helps me are some affirmations that I repeat when I get up in the morning or when I can see a bad day coming. For example, I have a TPS report due at work tomorrow. I know this young woman is going to screw it up. I know I'm going to have to stay late tomorrow. If I bother to complain, I know my dullard of a boss is going to tell me that it's my fault for being frustrated, and "these things just happen," and "we can't get rid of her, can we, she's so nice and she means well." I know this is coming tomorrow, and so I'm going to repeat my affirmations when I get up, and when I get out of the car to go into my building, and when I first open up my TPS report to see the bullcrap that awaits.
And when something sudden and unexpected happens, I get up, I walk away, and I repeat my affirmations to myself to try to cool off.
Then, I do a little self-reflection about at night. I found a great deal of help and solace in reading the work of some of the great Stoics, like Marcus Aurelius, for example. I definitely don't agree with everything I see in Stoic literature, but some of the things they point out are utterly profound.
Take this quote from Marcus Aurelius, for example. It makes for a great affirmation each day and it's what I use.
In essence, we're all humans. We all have that special spark (divine or not, whatever you want to call it). When people do idiotic things, they're just out of touch and they are not thinking about the bigger world around them. All they can focus on is themselves and their own tiny motivations. But that's their problem, not yours. You see through it and you realize they're just human and misguided. Nobody can drag you into ugliness... you're going to stay above it, because we're all human, and we're all born to work together as best as we can. Nothing can touch you. The only thing that can make you angry is if you choose to be angry.
It's a bit cheesy but it's a great thing to remind yourself of. I find that when I get angry it's because my world is closing in around me, in a way. I lose perspective... I don't see the big picture. My world shrinks down to a little dot and in that dot is the person who fucked up and is causing me a great deal of annoyance.
Talk to your therapist about whether affirmations might help you, and whether it might be helpful to build in a nightly "review" into your routine where you think about how you did each day. I hope it might help you... it's been a big help to me in trying to stop my angry habits.
posted by Old Man McKay at 11:30 PM on April 7, 2014 [20 favorites]
Right now I am dealing with a well-meaning young woman at work who is being utterly infuriating.
Even though she's a nice person, she is entirely incompetent in her work, and every time she files her TPS report with 10-15 mandatory items missing, I get to spend extra time cleaning it up as it's my job to review her reports. No matter how well I train her, no matter how much time I spend trying to teach her, she is so unfocused that she can't do her work properly. She should've been let go long ago.
Our manager won't do a damn thing about it, because unfortunately, she is one of the laziest bosses I have ever seen. Nice person, but a boss who does as little work as possible, and putting people on performance improvement plans or firing them is too much work, apparently.
Every time I get a new TPS report, I know I'm going to get a pile of shit that I'm going to have to stay late to fix. And every time it happens, it makes me want to scream and punch some holes in the wall and throw my computer out the window.
What helps me are some affirmations that I repeat when I get up in the morning or when I can see a bad day coming. For example, I have a TPS report due at work tomorrow. I know this young woman is going to screw it up. I know I'm going to have to stay late tomorrow. If I bother to complain, I know my dullard of a boss is going to tell me that it's my fault for being frustrated, and "these things just happen," and "we can't get rid of her, can we, she's so nice and she means well." I know this is coming tomorrow, and so I'm going to repeat my affirmations when I get up, and when I get out of the car to go into my building, and when I first open up my TPS report to see the bullcrap that awaits.
And when something sudden and unexpected happens, I get up, I walk away, and I repeat my affirmations to myself to try to cool off.
Then, I do a little self-reflection about at night. I found a great deal of help and solace in reading the work of some of the great Stoics, like Marcus Aurelius, for example. I definitely don't agree with everything I see in Stoic literature, but some of the things they point out are utterly profound.
Take this quote from Marcus Aurelius, for example. It makes for a great affirmation each day and it's what I use.
"When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: 'The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.'"
In essence, we're all humans. We all have that special spark (divine or not, whatever you want to call it). When people do idiotic things, they're just out of touch and they are not thinking about the bigger world around them. All they can focus on is themselves and their own tiny motivations. But that's their problem, not yours. You see through it and you realize they're just human and misguided. Nobody can drag you into ugliness... you're going to stay above it, because we're all human, and we're all born to work together as best as we can. Nothing can touch you. The only thing that can make you angry is if you choose to be angry.
It's a bit cheesy but it's a great thing to remind yourself of. I find that when I get angry it's because my world is closing in around me, in a way. I lose perspective... I don't see the big picture. My world shrinks down to a little dot and in that dot is the person who fucked up and is causing me a great deal of annoyance.
Talk to your therapist about whether affirmations might help you, and whether it might be helpful to build in a nightly "review" into your routine where you think about how you did each day. I hope it might help you... it's been a big help to me in trying to stop my angry habits.
posted by Old Man McKay at 11:30 PM on April 7, 2014 [20 favorites]
I think we all have a need to learn how to be emotionally healthy and, for me, the first step was to recognize that I am responsible for my feelings. I had to wrap my head around the fact that nobody 'makes me feel' anything. I choose my emotions. Further, my feelings do not have power in the world. I cannot change other people. When I do not like a situation, I can change my response, change the situation or I can leave. My feelings do not have power over other people. My anger does not change them; it only causes me to suffer. I suffer less when I do not choose anger.
I found this to be a helpful essay (it is completely from a Buddhist perspective but I hope you can tolerate that because I found it, nevertheless, to be tremendously helpful for its clarity). It takes time to learn to respond to situations wisely and peacefully but it is very good that you want to make a start. Your therapist should be helping you in this learning -- if you are not getting that help, consider changing therapists.
posted by Anitanola at 12:37 AM on April 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
I found this to be a helpful essay (it is completely from a Buddhist perspective but I hope you can tolerate that because I found it, nevertheless, to be tremendously helpful for its clarity). It takes time to learn to respond to situations wisely and peacefully but it is very good that you want to make a start. Your therapist should be helping you in this learning -- if you are not getting that help, consider changing therapists.
posted by Anitanola at 12:37 AM on April 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
"Happy People Do Not Do Bad Things."
Your relative acted out and did a Bad Thing. She's unhappy deep inside.
Another solution is to find some empathy.
posted by jbenben at 1:12 AM on April 8, 2014
Your relative acted out and did a Bad Thing. She's unhappy deep inside.
Another solution is to find some empathy.
posted by jbenben at 1:12 AM on April 8, 2014
It sounds like you became angry when you felt dismissed. That's normal! Lots of people get angry when people are dismissive towards them. I definitely do. I have cried tears of anger and frustration at work when I was junior and being ignored and felt powerless (and then felt unprofessional for losing my temper and crying), and I've seen enough people following after me do the same to know that this is pretty common. Part of it is anger at myself for letting myself be walked over. The fact that you feel that showing anger is the only way to be heard suggests that this is a problem for you as well (and I know that feeling! It's so tiring to have to shout to get basic things done).
How I have dealt with it longer term is to make sure I am not in a position to be dismissed - more seniority at work, ditching dismissive acquaintances, developing a more commanding tone of voice (and just ageing helps a lot if you are a young-looking woman - I've no idea what gender you are, but I was never so completely dismissed as when I was a petite 18yr old who looked about 14, and that coincidentally was when I was at my angriest).
So work on tone of voice and body language. Be assertive in small things first, and work up to the bigger battles. You ask how to get people to stop doing things - you don't ask again nicely, or go for a time out, you tell them, in a commanding and assertive tone of voice, to stop doing that, in a way that implies you do not expect to meet any resistance and will slap down any that arises. Use fewer words - I apparently have a 'work voice', and it is more clipped and direct than my usual conversation voice. If you do meet resistance, other tactics I have used include repeating things more loudly and deliberately as if they have perhaps not quite understood, and just leaving uncomfortable silences which they have to fill. That might sound like bullying, and in some contexts it would be, but I probably only need to act like that once or twice a year. I do have a bossy/domineering streak, but I'm aware of it and make sure I tone it down.
There will always be some people who are dismissive or rude to you regardless though, and generally I find that giving them a deliberately schoolmarmish telling off vents my anger fairly quickly (presumably because it establishes me above them again). I am english and middle-class, so a loud "how INCREDIBLY rude!" works well with random strangers/customer service people who are rude to me in public (ie it might not get an acknowledgement but I feel good that I have stood up for myself by being so daringly confrontational).
tldr: I get angry when I feel forced to put up with rudeness/dismissiveness. Showing that I will not be treated like that, even if I don't actually end up getting my own way, goes some way to solving the problem.
posted by tinkletown at 2:51 AM on April 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
How I have dealt with it longer term is to make sure I am not in a position to be dismissed - more seniority at work, ditching dismissive acquaintances, developing a more commanding tone of voice (and just ageing helps a lot if you are a young-looking woman - I've no idea what gender you are, but I was never so completely dismissed as when I was a petite 18yr old who looked about 14, and that coincidentally was when I was at my angriest).
So work on tone of voice and body language. Be assertive in small things first, and work up to the bigger battles. You ask how to get people to stop doing things - you don't ask again nicely, or go for a time out, you tell them, in a commanding and assertive tone of voice, to stop doing that, in a way that implies you do not expect to meet any resistance and will slap down any that arises. Use fewer words - I apparently have a 'work voice', and it is more clipped and direct than my usual conversation voice. If you do meet resistance, other tactics I have used include repeating things more loudly and deliberately as if they have perhaps not quite understood, and just leaving uncomfortable silences which they have to fill. That might sound like bullying, and in some contexts it would be, but I probably only need to act like that once or twice a year. I do have a bossy/domineering streak, but I'm aware of it and make sure I tone it down.
There will always be some people who are dismissive or rude to you regardless though, and generally I find that giving them a deliberately schoolmarmish telling off vents my anger fairly quickly (presumably because it establishes me above them again). I am english and middle-class, so a loud "how INCREDIBLY rude!" works well with random strangers/customer service people who are rude to me in public (ie it might not get an acknowledgement but I feel good that I have stood up for myself by being so daringly confrontational).
tldr: I get angry when I feel forced to put up with rudeness/dismissiveness. Showing that I will not be treated like that, even if I don't actually end up getting my own way, goes some way to solving the problem.
posted by tinkletown at 2:51 AM on April 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you learn that anger gets you heard, more than politeness, that's what you start to default to.
Having grown up with an explosively angry parent, I have seen this at work and been guilty of it myself. Angry outbursts do get you some power in the moment. You can actually control other people's behavior if they're afraid enough of you. But there is a huge downside, namely that people don't trust you after a while.
I bottled up the rest, but by then it was too late; movie night was ruined, and I was stuck alone feeling a combination of stressed/angry/sad/hurt/ashamed for the way I handled the whole situation. She looked a little scared by how angry I was getting, and I can`t blame her because I was getting scared as well.
Bingo. Initially you may be able to get an acknowledgement from her/get the respect you feel you deserve, but in the long run the bonds between you are weakened. In the future, she may go out of her way not to do anything she knows will set you off, but it will be to avoid an outburst, and not as an expression of real caring. Or there may be real caring, but her overriding concern is going to be with keeping the situation under control. This is bad for both of you.
You can work on your anger directly, but you can also work from the other end, to shore up your relationships. It's a powerful disincentive if you realize that you'll be wasting the work you have put into the relationship if you go on a tear. But please try to be gentle with yourself. It's important to recognize that your behavior has consequences, but beating yourself up about this just perpetuates the cycle. I am a strong believer that this kind of anger is in fact primarily directed towards oneself.
I would also like to hear how I might have resolved the situation in a better fashion. How do I get someone to stop doing something that upsets me without using anger, if asking them to stop already didn`t work? Should I have just asked them again to stop, maybe more firmly this time? Tried something else? All I want is to be able to deal with these types of situations without hurting the other person, and to not become angry to the point where I am liable to have an aneurysm.
Number one, pick your battles. Is it really necessary to get her to stop doing whatever it is? Why? But yes, you could just repeatedly ask the person to stop, and explain why it's important to you. That might mean accepting that maybe she has her own reasons for not stopping. If there is something that's really, really important to you, there may be a sufficient difference of opinion here that you wind up limiting your time with that person, to avoid getting into this kind of scorched-earth situation. But it is also possible that she still doesn't really understand it's that serious. I know I usually didn't think that whatever was making my father blow up mattered all that much to him; it just seemed that he liked blowing up for whatever reason, and if it wasn't x he would soon find a y. So, decide what your boundaries are and stick to them assertively, even if it makes you opt out of movie night.
Empower yourself. I think that, paradoxically, people who go into towering rages usually feel like victims. Saying, "What can I do to take care of myself in this situation" and then doing it, is far more powerful.
posted by BibiRose at 3:04 AM on April 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
Having grown up with an explosively angry parent, I have seen this at work and been guilty of it myself. Angry outbursts do get you some power in the moment. You can actually control other people's behavior if they're afraid enough of you. But there is a huge downside, namely that people don't trust you after a while.
I bottled up the rest, but by then it was too late; movie night was ruined, and I was stuck alone feeling a combination of stressed/angry/sad/hurt/ashamed for the way I handled the whole situation. She looked a little scared by how angry I was getting, and I can`t blame her because I was getting scared as well.
Bingo. Initially you may be able to get an acknowledgement from her/get the respect you feel you deserve, but in the long run the bonds between you are weakened. In the future, she may go out of her way not to do anything she knows will set you off, but it will be to avoid an outburst, and not as an expression of real caring. Or there may be real caring, but her overriding concern is going to be with keeping the situation under control. This is bad for both of you.
You can work on your anger directly, but you can also work from the other end, to shore up your relationships. It's a powerful disincentive if you realize that you'll be wasting the work you have put into the relationship if you go on a tear. But please try to be gentle with yourself. It's important to recognize that your behavior has consequences, but beating yourself up about this just perpetuates the cycle. I am a strong believer that this kind of anger is in fact primarily directed towards oneself.
I would also like to hear how I might have resolved the situation in a better fashion. How do I get someone to stop doing something that upsets me without using anger, if asking them to stop already didn`t work? Should I have just asked them again to stop, maybe more firmly this time? Tried something else? All I want is to be able to deal with these types of situations without hurting the other person, and to not become angry to the point where I am liable to have an aneurysm.
Number one, pick your battles. Is it really necessary to get her to stop doing whatever it is? Why? But yes, you could just repeatedly ask the person to stop, and explain why it's important to you. That might mean accepting that maybe she has her own reasons for not stopping. If there is something that's really, really important to you, there may be a sufficient difference of opinion here that you wind up limiting your time with that person, to avoid getting into this kind of scorched-earth situation. But it is also possible that she still doesn't really understand it's that serious. I know I usually didn't think that whatever was making my father blow up mattered all that much to him; it just seemed that he liked blowing up for whatever reason, and if it wasn't x he would soon find a y. So, decide what your boundaries are and stick to them assertively, even if it makes you opt out of movie night.
Empower yourself. I think that, paradoxically, people who go into towering rages usually feel like victims. Saying, "What can I do to take care of myself in this situation" and then doing it, is far more powerful.
posted by BibiRose at 3:04 AM on April 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
Oh yes I should definitely clarify - the reason I talk about work so much in my comment is because I don't have friends who are dismissive of me or who walk all over me. They are nice, kind people. I am nice and kind back. Everything is lovely. I'm also very approachable and friendly and supportive at work to about 99% of the people I work with. I'm not suggesting you should start steamrollering everyone you meet, just be more assertive in setting boundaries as soon as you notice somebody mistreating you, before you actually lose your temper.
posted by tinkletown at 3:29 AM on April 8, 2014
posted by tinkletown at 3:29 AM on April 8, 2014
It took me a while to figure out that people who disagreed with me might have a point. It doesn't stop me from getting angry when someone does something I don't like, but it helps me cool down quicker and think about the situation more carefully.
posted by Mogur at 4:52 AM on April 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Mogur at 4:52 AM on April 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Cognitive therapy / cognitive behavioral therapy has some techniques that are helpful in situations such as the one you described. Here's one promising source I found with a quick Google search. And you don't have to go to a therapist -- this is stuff you can do on your own.
I myself don't have a big problem with anger, but I've found cognitive techniques useful for combatting negative emotions in general.
posted by alex1965 at 4:56 AM on April 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I myself don't have a big problem with anger, but I've found cognitive techniques useful for combatting negative emotions in general.
posted by alex1965 at 4:56 AM on April 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would recommend training your assertiveness. In my experience, most people don't make a conscious effort to think themselves into someone else's shoes (nor should they, it's too easy to get wrong), and you have to constantly but gently remind well-meaning people of what your boundaries are.
Work on responding as early as possible, before any axe-grinding can take place. If you are successful you'll need to do it less frequently but the need won't disappear. Through that background social interaction, you'll also be negotiating what is really important to you and learning to let go of the rest.
Hopefully that will remove your anger, but if you do manifest any, definitely avoid dramatising it or saying things that will make the other person resent you. After you do, learn to ask and receive forgiveness.
Finally, try to make yourself a happier person, the brooding could be a distraction from other issues.
posted by Tobu at 5:46 AM on April 8, 2014
Work on responding as early as possible, before any axe-grinding can take place. If you are successful you'll need to do it less frequently but the need won't disappear. Through that background social interaction, you'll also be negotiating what is really important to you and learning to let go of the rest.
Hopefully that will remove your anger, but if you do manifest any, definitely avoid dramatising it or saying things that will make the other person resent you. After you do, learn to ask and receive forgiveness.
Finally, try to make yourself a happier person, the brooding could be a distraction from other issues.
posted by Tobu at 5:46 AM on April 8, 2014
Speaking not as a terribly angry person but rather as a more relaxed and lackadaisical person, I suggest you consider that she might not have been deliberately doing something she knew would upset you.
If I'm doing something that bothers a friend, I will absolutely TRY to stop doing it. But if I don't really grok intimately why the thing is bothersome, sometimes it takes some conditioning to make it stick. Not because I don't care about the person I'm bothering, but because it doesn't occur to me not to do it while I'm doing it; only after, when that person reminds me that they're bothered.
And I do get defensive, if that person acts like I'm intentionally causing them mental distress. I'm human, I'm trying - it's just going to take a little time for NOT DOING THE THING to become routine for me.
So maybe just appreciate that you're asking a willing person to do something that doesn't come naturally -- and when that willing person slips up, remind them in a gentle and friendly tone, not a tone of white-hot rage, if you can manage it. The application of white-hot rage to interpersonal problems is rarely a helpful solution.
posted by kythuen at 6:32 AM on April 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
If I'm doing something that bothers a friend, I will absolutely TRY to stop doing it. But if I don't really grok intimately why the thing is bothersome, sometimes it takes some conditioning to make it stick. Not because I don't care about the person I'm bothering, but because it doesn't occur to me not to do it while I'm doing it; only after, when that person reminds me that they're bothered.
And I do get defensive, if that person acts like I'm intentionally causing them mental distress. I'm human, I'm trying - it's just going to take a little time for NOT DOING THE THING to become routine for me.
So maybe just appreciate that you're asking a willing person to do something that doesn't come naturally -- and when that willing person slips up, remind them in a gentle and friendly tone, not a tone of white-hot rage, if you can manage it. The application of white-hot rage to interpersonal problems is rarely a helpful solution.
posted by kythuen at 6:32 AM on April 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
Oh, and this bit:
> As I began telling her how upset I was, I received in a dismissive tone of voice responses that I felt indicated she wasn`t taking me seriously; "okay, okay, I got it," stuff like that.
It was unhelpful, and you'll probably want to discuss some things seriously without easy dismissals, even if the trigger itself is a small thing. Definitely don't let it go if you encounter this. Consider setting aside some time for a calm discussion. If the two of you can't have a productive discussion, consider bringing a prepared but neutral third party.
posted by Tobu at 6:42 AM on April 8, 2014
> As I began telling her how upset I was, I received in a dismissive tone of voice responses that I felt indicated she wasn`t taking me seriously; "okay, okay, I got it," stuff like that.
It was unhelpful, and you'll probably want to discuss some things seriously without easy dismissals, even if the trigger itself is a small thing. Definitely don't let it go if you encounter this. Consider setting aside some time for a calm discussion. If the two of you can't have a productive discussion, consider bringing a prepared but neutral third party.
posted by Tobu at 6:42 AM on April 8, 2014
Depending on the behavior, is it possible to head it off at the pass? Just don't give her an opportunity to do that thing, or redirect if you notice things are going in that direction. Alternately, rehearse your reaction in advance, so you can just say "I've asked you not to do that, let's do something else / I'm going home / I'm taking a walk now."
There are some people I get along with fine, as long as we stick to the context/level of intimacy that suits our relationship. I can have dinner with my conservative relatives and ask about their dogs and the family reunion. If they ask about when I'm getting married, they get a coldly polite "I don't know. I promise I'll tell you when I do." Our visits are never longer than a few hours.
I was a pretty angry kid, and I still struggle with anger sometimes. Realizing that getting mad didn't get me what I wanted in the long run helped, as did meditation. Loving-kindness meditation is a great way to grow some empathy for frustrating people in your life, and it can also help with the proximal how-to-avoid-those-situations stuff because it gives you space to come up with plausible reasons / underlying needs that are causing the irritating behavior.
posted by momus_window at 7:51 AM on April 8, 2014
There are some people I get along with fine, as long as we stick to the context/level of intimacy that suits our relationship. I can have dinner with my conservative relatives and ask about their dogs and the family reunion. If they ask about when I'm getting married, they get a coldly polite "I don't know. I promise I'll tell you when I do." Our visits are never longer than a few hours.
I was a pretty angry kid, and I still struggle with anger sometimes. Realizing that getting mad didn't get me what I wanted in the long run helped, as did meditation. Loving-kindness meditation is a great way to grow some empathy for frustrating people in your life, and it can also help with the proximal how-to-avoid-those-situations stuff because it gives you space to come up with plausible reasons / underlying needs that are causing the irritating behavior.
posted by momus_window at 7:51 AM on April 8, 2014
Practice walking away without a word until you calm down. Lots of other strategies can help, but not until you get through those first five minutes of really feeling it.
Also remember: there's no useful purpose to sharing anger without also acting to change things. If you walk away, use the time to consider: is there a useful purpose to sharing this feeling (such as setting a boundary for the other person, or helping them realize they need to consider their actions, or apologizing for walking out and needing to say why you did)? If not, don't share it when you come back, unless they ask why you left or why you were angry. Not every emotion (or it's catalyst) needs to be discussed every time.
By way of example, imagine someone cuts you off in traffic, and you get really angry. Yes, they did something wrong, but would it really be productive to chase them down and tell them why you were angry? Think of it like that.
posted by davejay at 8:18 AM on April 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Also remember: there's no useful purpose to sharing anger without also acting to change things. If you walk away, use the time to consider: is there a useful purpose to sharing this feeling (such as setting a boundary for the other person, or helping them realize they need to consider their actions, or apologizing for walking out and needing to say why you did)? If not, don't share it when you come back, unless they ask why you left or why you were angry. Not every emotion (or it's catalyst) needs to be discussed every time.
By way of example, imagine someone cuts you off in traffic, and you get really angry. Yes, they did something wrong, but would it really be productive to chase them down and tell them why you were angry? Think of it like that.
posted by davejay at 8:18 AM on April 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Oh, and if it helps: I have a sister that infuriates me all the time. All. The. Time. I've decided it's my problem to deal with, so I keep my distance when I visit my mother (whom my sister lives with) and she does the same. Family can be a special case.
posted by davejay at 8:22 AM on April 8, 2014
posted by davejay at 8:22 AM on April 8, 2014
The same thing happened today. I couldn`t believe that she deliberately did it again, even though she knew how much it bothered me. I felt hurt and a bit betrayed. As I began telling her how upset I was, I received in a dismissive tone of voice responses that I felt indicated she wasn`t taking me seriously; "okay, okay, I got it," stuff like that. This didn`t help, and the anger grew and grew until I was practically shaking. Although I didn`t scream or yell, I certainly spoke loudly and I`m sure it was evident how angry I was. I bottled up the rest, but by then it was too late; movie night was ruined, and I was stuck alone feeling a combination of stressed/angry/sad/hurt/ashamed for the way I handled the whole situation. She looked a little scared by how angry I was getting, and I can`t blame her because I was getting scared as well.
The thing is, she was probably, most likely, not deliberately doing anything to upset you. It's cliche but don't take it so personally. You're allowing yourself to feel oppressed and inconvenienced by the behavior of others that has nothing to do with you. You are not oppressed and you are not a victim. If you want to stop feeling so angry look at any underlying depression you may have and stop playing the victim. This kind of anger (seething on the behavior of others and angrily commenting on it) is bullying.
How to stop brooding? Remember that it's almost never about you. Your loved ones aren't going around intentionally trying to hurt you, offend you, or irritate you.
posted by Fairchild at 8:27 AM on April 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
The thing is, she was probably, most likely, not deliberately doing anything to upset you. It's cliche but don't take it so personally. You're allowing yourself to feel oppressed and inconvenienced by the behavior of others that has nothing to do with you. You are not oppressed and you are not a victim. If you want to stop feeling so angry look at any underlying depression you may have and stop playing the victim. This kind of anger (seething on the behavior of others and angrily commenting on it) is bullying.
How to stop brooding? Remember that it's almost never about you. Your loved ones aren't going around intentionally trying to hurt you, offend you, or irritate you.
posted by Fairchild at 8:27 AM on April 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'd like to add to this. I've struggled with anger most of my life. It's an ongoing process and I'm a 48 yr mother and wife. To paraphrase what Dansaman said, for me it probably was #1 (innate) but I definitely experienced #2 (past experiences) as well. However learning to alter it has been hard. You're young, and by your past posts overcoming your own stress as well. That being said it you won't IMO overcome it in a day or two. My experience is that I constantly have to think about how I react (good and bad) to stressors throughout the day. The fact that you acknowledge that your anger this last time was scary for both you and your relative, to me, signals that you know it's overblown. I've learned that some people will ignite my anger faster then I can possibly imagine. When I know I'm dealing with this person, I try to mentally plan ahead for what I might do in that case. In the end, I find walking away works for me. I simply leave. Often the person has no idea how angry I am and just thinks I'm tending to something else. I might go and do pushups or pylometrics or something active to burn off my excessive energy/anger. But what I most wanted to say was, it takes time. It's not been as easy as I thought. When I'm rational I can see how stupid the trigger was but at the moment it's almost impossible. However, finally, I'm realizing how it starts and how others feel when I behave poorly. I wish you the best.
posted by lasamana at 9:27 AM on April 8, 2014
posted by lasamana at 9:27 AM on April 8, 2014
Your first sentence suggests a problem with assertiveness. If you google metafilter on that word, you will find threads where people have the same problem: swallow it or go aggressive. I like the book "Your Perfect Right".
posted by PickeringPete at 9:56 AM on April 8, 2014
posted by PickeringPete at 9:56 AM on April 8, 2014
http://ask.metafilter.com/179457/You-AssholeUm-Im-sorry-I-called-you-an-asshole#2581837
Just one of the threads that might apply.
posted by PickeringPete at 10:03 AM on April 8, 2014
Just one of the threads that might apply.
posted by PickeringPete at 10:03 AM on April 8, 2014
Communication skills can be really helpful in situations like the one you described. It's called "assertiveness," but it's actually: letting the other person know you've heard and understood what they're saying; saying your piece and staying on that message; placing value on making your views and feelings clear, rather than convincing the other person. I learned the tactics from a therapist, but I've also seen some good books about "dealing with difficult people." When I first read one, I thought it was completely unrealistic, but it really works if you can do it.
Someone close to me learned all that and used it, but his anger and the terrible aftermath still were overwhelming. A doctor prescribed a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) and it totally changed his life. He still feels angry when it's warranted, but is now more annoyed that furious when dealing with things that used to enrage him. No more "flying off the handle" and spending the rest of the day feeling anxious and depleted.
I tend to get extremely bothered by some people in my family. But almost always, they're behaving in ways that are standard for them. It sounds like the relative in your post might have a pattern of not listening to you and not considering how you might feel. It doesn't matter if she's doing it deliberately or is just oblivious. Instead of dwelling on the one instance, concentrate on the knowledge that she's behaving in her habitual way and it's to be expected. This is hard to do, and I usually come around to it after being in a snit for a while. At least it shortens the brooding time.
Also: I made a rule for myself that raising my voice is unacceptable. Whatever happens, I'm not going to yell. And I don't tolerate it from anyone else. I can't control how you react, but I can control what you do.
posted by wryly at 10:59 AM on April 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Someone close to me learned all that and used it, but his anger and the terrible aftermath still were overwhelming. A doctor prescribed a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) and it totally changed his life. He still feels angry when it's warranted, but is now more annoyed that furious when dealing with things that used to enrage him. No more "flying off the handle" and spending the rest of the day feeling anxious and depleted.
I tend to get extremely bothered by some people in my family. But almost always, they're behaving in ways that are standard for them. It sounds like the relative in your post might have a pattern of not listening to you and not considering how you might feel. It doesn't matter if she's doing it deliberately or is just oblivious. Instead of dwelling on the one instance, concentrate on the knowledge that she's behaving in her habitual way and it's to be expected. This is hard to do, and I usually come around to it after being in a snit for a while. At least it shortens the brooding time.
Also: I made a rule for myself that raising my voice is unacceptable. Whatever happens, I'm not going to yell. And I don't tolerate it from anyone else. I can't control how you react, but I can control what you do.
posted by wryly at 10:59 AM on April 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Here is a helpful brain-science tip to handle the fury of the moment. This works for all intense emotion: anger, anxiety, sadness etc.
Labelling emotions reduces their impact.
So in your case, try going to a private spot and saying out loud: "I am angry because....." You should experience a quick easing in your emotional state.
posted by storybored at 11:38 AM on April 8, 2014
Labelling emotions reduces their impact.
So in your case, try going to a private spot and saying out loud: "I am angry because....." You should experience a quick easing in your emotional state.
posted by storybored at 11:38 AM on April 8, 2014
There are some good suggestions here: http://lifehacker.com/how-to-manage-your-seething-rage-productively-1453235396
Body awareness is important.
posted by PickeringPete at 1:12 PM on April 8, 2014
Body awareness is important.
posted by PickeringPete at 1:12 PM on April 8, 2014
As I began telling her how upset I was, I received in a dismissive tone of voice responses that I felt indicated she wasn`t taking me seriously; "okay, okay, I got it," stuff like that.
Having seen a lot of this type of interaction, I'm going to suggest that it's important for you to differentiate between "feeling dismissed" and "actually being dismissed."
You were asking her to do something you'd already asked her to do and already explained about. It seems entirely likely that she did, in fact, "get it" and that your continuing to hammer away at it was your own failure to take her at her word.
If you find yourself feeling dismissed a lot, if that's a major anger trigger for you, then you need to start (a) taking responsibility for that trigger and realize that just because you're feeling it doesn't mean the other person is actually doing it (that's kind of the definition of "past baggage"), and (b) examining where and how that trigger developed and processing your feelings about it, which should help detrigger it.
posted by jaguar at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Having seen a lot of this type of interaction, I'm going to suggest that it's important for you to differentiate between "feeling dismissed" and "actually being dismissed."
You were asking her to do something you'd already asked her to do and already explained about. It seems entirely likely that she did, in fact, "get it" and that your continuing to hammer away at it was your own failure to take her at her word.
If you find yourself feeling dismissed a lot, if that's a major anger trigger for you, then you need to start (a) taking responsibility for that trigger and realize that just because you're feeling it doesn't mean the other person is actually doing it (that's kind of the definition of "past baggage"), and (b) examining where and how that trigger developed and processing your feelings about it, which should help detrigger it.
posted by jaguar at 1:43 PM on April 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I am an angry person. This might sound too cutesy for you, or too woo-woo.
I know for a fact that my anger is a powerful thing, one which sometimes serves me and others well. However, 80-99% of the time, it's just too much. So, I don't want to banish it completely, because it is powerful and useful. But I want to control it.
Therefore, I think of my Anger as animal. Specifically, it is the Black Stallion. (You know, from the movie.) I imagine it roaming free and wild on the island, powerful, amazing, and happy. And I am there on the island too. I imagine myself practicing riding the Black Stallion on the beach. Just the two of us, alone. Sometimes I fall off. But I can imagine the two of us riding together, and I am in control of this amazing wild creature.
I visualize my Black Stallion as happy and free on the island. But, when I need it, I can command it to come with me to civilization, where it will help me win an important race and vice versa.
But only when I need it. Because I know it would rather be free, wild, and alone with me on our private island. With no one else around.
If you want a more nuanced and highbrow version of this, you can read the story about the allegory of the charioteer in Plato's Phaedrus.
Your anger is a magnificent horse, a great stallion, the wild animal of your soul. It resides on your private island. Do not trot this incredible creature out over every little thing that is unworthy of such beauty and power. Are you really going to bring the Black Stallion into a petty fight during movie night?
Heh heh. It works for me.
posted by beanie at 7:26 PM on April 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
I know for a fact that my anger is a powerful thing, one which sometimes serves me and others well. However, 80-99% of the time, it's just too much. So, I don't want to banish it completely, because it is powerful and useful. But I want to control it.
Therefore, I think of my Anger as animal. Specifically, it is the Black Stallion. (You know, from the movie.) I imagine it roaming free and wild on the island, powerful, amazing, and happy. And I am there on the island too. I imagine myself practicing riding the Black Stallion on the beach. Just the two of us, alone. Sometimes I fall off. But I can imagine the two of us riding together, and I am in control of this amazing wild creature.
I visualize my Black Stallion as happy and free on the island. But, when I need it, I can command it to come with me to civilization, where it will help me win an important race and vice versa.
But only when I need it. Because I know it would rather be free, wild, and alone with me on our private island. With no one else around.
If you want a more nuanced and highbrow version of this, you can read the story about the allegory of the charioteer in Plato's Phaedrus.
Your anger is a magnificent horse, a great stallion, the wild animal of your soul. It resides on your private island. Do not trot this incredible creature out over every little thing that is unworthy of such beauty and power. Are you really going to bring the Black Stallion into a petty fight during movie night?
Heh heh. It works for me.
posted by beanie at 7:26 PM on April 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
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