3 year pseudo relationship with ex AFTER breakup. Does he love me?
April 7, 2014 3:20 AM Subscribe
I met my ex online 4 years ago. We hit it off and started dating shortly after. A mutual breakup occurred about 8 months later due to some arguments we had. He was in love with me during our relationship, but I did not fall in love with him until after we broke up. A couple months after we broke up, we made the brilliant decision that I should become his new roomie. During our time living together we had sex on a regular (weekly+) basis. I dated a bit, but nothing serious. He did not date. We ended up living together, along with his brother, for 2 years. During this time we hung out most days. I moved out about a year ago, but he insisted that I keep the key to his house. We still hang out about once a week and have sex nearly as often. The sex tends to be pretty intense and I know that definitely complicates things. He never expects the sex; he is perfectly fine with me going over just to watch a movie and then leaving. Recently he has been cuddly in bed and that is something new. I usually sleep over after we haven't sex. He still hasn't dated since our breakup 3 years ago.
A couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to put myself out there or move on. I wrote him a letter detailing how I felt. He has told me that he realizes that we have been in a pseudo relationship for years, but he can not stand certain things about me. He said he can't stand when I text him, but that he loves to talk to me in person. He said that he loves that I am funny, intelligent and that we have a lot in common. He thinks I am too emotional. I am so confused at this point. I am trying to get back into the dating scene again. I am no longer talking to him since I spilled my guts, but I just would really like to hear some other opinions (male especially) about what his deal is? I mean, he is sending mixed messages, right?
A couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to put myself out there or move on. I wrote him a letter detailing how I felt. He has told me that he realizes that we have been in a pseudo relationship for years, but he can not stand certain things about me. He said he can't stand when I text him, but that he loves to talk to me in person. He said that he loves that I am funny, intelligent and that we have a lot in common. He thinks I am too emotional. I am so confused at this point. I am trying to get back into the dating scene again. I am no longer talking to him since I spilled my guts, but I just would really like to hear some other opinions (male especially) about what his deal is? I mean, he is sending mixed messages, right?
He's had enough time to tell you what he wants. If he's not adult enough to do that, then he's not a good person to be in a relationship with. That's irrespective of how you feel about him. Loving someone isn't enough.
Get back on the scene and find someone who actually says "I want to be in a relationship with you" and puts the effort into actually having a workable relationship.
To hazard a guess about this guy, he likes you well enough but he's not really that into you. The fact he hasn't contacted you in two weeks says a lot. You can drive yourself up the wall thinking about this, but it's ultimately going to be time wasted, time that you could spend finding someone who cares about you more than he does (did?). It's time to move on from something that was sorta-working and find something that does genuinely work.
posted by Solomon at 3:38 AM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Get back on the scene and find someone who actually says "I want to be in a relationship with you" and puts the effort into actually having a workable relationship.
To hazard a guess about this guy, he likes you well enough but he's not really that into you. The fact he hasn't contacted you in two weeks says a lot. You can drive yourself up the wall thinking about this, but it's ultimately going to be time wasted, time that you could spend finding someone who cares about you more than he does (did?). It's time to move on from something that was sorta-working and find something that does genuinely work.
posted by Solomon at 3:38 AM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'd say you've been in an actual relationship for 3 years, and calling it "pseudo" is a silly semantic game that probably eases commitment-related anxieties for one or both of you but is factually incorrect. A more useful question would be, what do you want out of a "relationship" and is this a good way to get it? Do you want monogamy? Cohabitation? Marriage? Kids?
posted by jon1270 at 3:39 AM on April 7, 2014 [33 favorites]
posted by jon1270 at 3:39 AM on April 7, 2014 [33 favorites]
It sounds like what you're saying is that, whatever you call this, you want more and he doesn't. He's content with how things are now. Talking somebody into wanting more almost never works and when it "works" it often results in acrimonious breakups a couple years down the line. If you aren't content, you need to go find someone else you can be content with. Since you've had trouble with cutting this off completely before, going no-contact now is a good call.
posted by Sequence at 3:42 AM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 3:42 AM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
He is in a relationship with you where he doesn't have to really do anything and it will continue in this way because that's all he wants. It's up to you whether you're getting what you want out of it.
posted by heyjude at 3:51 AM on April 7, 2014 [17 favorites]
posted by heyjude at 3:51 AM on April 7, 2014 [17 favorites]
I just would really like to hear some other opinions (male especially) about what his deal is? I mean, he is sending mixed messages, right? Yes, you've been in a relationship, no matter how you labeled it. He has annoyances that sound trivial. His deal is that he has had a relationship with no effort or real commitment.
What do *you* want? Your question is all about him. You are more likely to get what you want if you understand what that is, ask for it, and don't settle for less. Stop being his girlfriend. Get on dating sites, go out, be your fabulous, lovable self. If you want a relationship with him, tell him you want a real relationship, and nothing less. He won't value you more than you value you, and you deserve someone who respects and values you.
posted by theora55 at 4:11 AM on April 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
What do *you* want? Your question is all about him. You are more likely to get what you want if you understand what that is, ask for it, and don't settle for less. Stop being his girlfriend. Get on dating sites, go out, be your fabulous, lovable self. If you want a relationship with him, tell him you want a real relationship, and nothing less. He won't value you more than you value you, and you deserve someone who respects and values you.
posted by theora55 at 4:11 AM on April 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
You are in a relationship with him. I do not think it gets you what you want. I would call it a "bad relationship." Like bad pizza, people often prefer a bad relationship to no relationship. It doesn't sound like you're very happy with things, and I think it is unlikely that this particular relationship will change for the better.
posted by Mr. Justice at 4:36 AM on April 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by Mr. Justice at 4:36 AM on April 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: It occurs to me that this dude is getting what he wants - he has sex with you, he has the kinds of conversations that he enjoys but does not have conversations he finds difficult or boring, he can tell you that you are "too emotional" if you, like, have feelings that he finds inconvenient. He can cuddle if he wants, but apparently you can't initiate cuddling. He doesn't need to make any commitments or deal with any long term relationship stuff - you're not on each others' insurance, for instance, and he doesn't have to help you out when you're sick (I strongly suspect). He doesn't even have to say that he's in a relationship!
If you were into the same lightweight buddy-sex set-up, this could be great, right? It could go on for years! But as it stands, he is getting all his needs met by dint of you putting aside your needs. (Since you wouldn't be asking this question if you didn't have unmet needs, right?) My bet is that all this cuddling business is about making you feel that you are in enough of a "relationship" that you don't find anyone else.
Basically, this relationship sounds like it is totally led by his wishes.
Does he "have feelings" for you? Oh, I bet he does. But "feelings" don't translate into good relationships. You can have quite strong feelings for someone while still being unable or unwilling to be a good partner. I particularly recall a friend's break-up, where the dude was all "I have strong feelings for you, what can I do to make this work" and my friend was like "could you make this tiny change in the physical layout of our shared space which would make it easier for me to sleep and thus to do my demanding job" and dude was all "oh, I have feelings for you but that is just too much". He was totally devastated when they split up - really sad. But his feelings didn't translate into being a good partner.
Unless you are actually happy with the situation as it stands, you should really truly break up with him and move on.
posted by Frowner at 4:58 AM on April 7, 2014 [51 favorites]
If you were into the same lightweight buddy-sex set-up, this could be great, right? It could go on for years! But as it stands, he is getting all his needs met by dint of you putting aside your needs. (Since you wouldn't be asking this question if you didn't have unmet needs, right?) My bet is that all this cuddling business is about making you feel that you are in enough of a "relationship" that you don't find anyone else.
Basically, this relationship sounds like it is totally led by his wishes.
Does he "have feelings" for you? Oh, I bet he does. But "feelings" don't translate into good relationships. You can have quite strong feelings for someone while still being unable or unwilling to be a good partner. I particularly recall a friend's break-up, where the dude was all "I have strong feelings for you, what can I do to make this work" and my friend was like "could you make this tiny change in the physical layout of our shared space which would make it easier for me to sleep and thus to do my demanding job" and dude was all "oh, I have feelings for you but that is just too much". He was totally devastated when they split up - really sad. But his feelings didn't translate into being a good partner.
Unless you are actually happy with the situation as it stands, you should really truly break up with him and move on.
posted by Frowner at 4:58 AM on April 7, 2014 [51 favorites]
You're asking the wrong question. What you should be asking is how to get what you want. You can ask him to give you what you want, or you can move on and go find it elsewhere.
I mean, sure, he's sending mixed signals. Signals usually are mixed. What is his deal? None of us could possibly say. All we can say is that he is not the only one with agency in this relationship, and you need to realize that.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:13 AM on April 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
I mean, sure, he's sending mixed signals. Signals usually are mixed. What is his deal? None of us could possibly say. All we can say is that he is not the only one with agency in this relationship, and you need to realize that.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:13 AM on April 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
From what you just described, you have been in a relationship with him for the past several years. Yes, you broke it off in the beginning and then you went back to him. There is no reason why he would assume that you breaking it off this time means that you won't go back to him again. I think you are the one sending mixed signals. Stop having sex with him if you want to move on. This is a you problem, not a him problem.
posted by myselfasme at 5:19 AM on April 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 5:19 AM on April 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
Baggage Reclaim might help. It's been redesigned since I last read it, but it's deep and wide and I think you'll find something helpful there.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:26 AM on April 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Room 641-A at 6:26 AM on April 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
Let's look at this logically.
This man has told you that he loves some things about your time together, but that he HATES it when you text him, therefore he doesn't want a relationship with you. That's not love. Not even close.
This guy isn't even your friend. He's your Fuck-Buddy and has been for years. You both took the path of least resistance and he'd like to continue taking it forever.
Go no-contact with him totally. Spend time with your other friends.
Unless this guy says, "I love you and I want to work on building a life with you," there's no place good this can go.
You can spend a few more years in this miasma of a relationship, and find yourself exactly where you are now, or you can pretend that this was a LTR, and that you have finally broken up with him.
He doesn't love you, he's not even saying he does. There is no one alive who loves a person, who, when offered the same in return, wouldn't jump at it. Well, no one who isn't a game-playing, trifling, not knowing one's own mind, kind of person, and WHY would you want that?
RUN AWAY from this situation. You may have to spend a year without a partner to really know what it is that you want in a relationship, but that is WELL worth your time to do.
Good luck.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:27 AM on April 7, 2014 [18 favorites]
This man has told you that he loves some things about your time together, but that he HATES it when you text him, therefore he doesn't want a relationship with you. That's not love. Not even close.
This guy isn't even your friend. He's your Fuck-Buddy and has been for years. You both took the path of least resistance and he'd like to continue taking it forever.
Go no-contact with him totally. Spend time with your other friends.
Unless this guy says, "I love you and I want to work on building a life with you," there's no place good this can go.
You can spend a few more years in this miasma of a relationship, and find yourself exactly where you are now, or you can pretend that this was a LTR, and that you have finally broken up with him.
He doesn't love you, he's not even saying he does. There is no one alive who loves a person, who, when offered the same in return, wouldn't jump at it. Well, no one who isn't a game-playing, trifling, not knowing one's own mind, kind of person, and WHY would you want that?
RUN AWAY from this situation. You may have to spend a year without a partner to really know what it is that you want in a relationship, but that is WELL worth your time to do.
Good luck.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:27 AM on April 7, 2014 [18 favorites]
No, he doesn't love you.
I've recently posted my own sad break-up relationship question, so I am no expert in recognizing when I am being taken for a ride... and making excuses for them.
BUT- I was married once. For 5 years.... relationship for 7.
And he loved me. Deeply deeply loved me and was in love with me. We were together through thick and thin. The death of my mother, my education, his own stuff. We backed each other up... big time. You couldn't mess with us. We're still friends now, and both of us know that if we needed to borrow 10k- we could ask each other- even if we hadn't spoken in years.
So, I know what its like to be truly loved. That person will fight to the death to keep you and meet your needs and be your best friend- stand in your corner and just love the shit out of you.
At the end of each relationship I have had since my marriage, I have known that they didn't love me like that. During the relationship I could fool myself that they were getting there, or loved differently. But when its over. I know.
And I know I can have it again. And you can have it too. Someone to be there for you... to be a team with.
I don't think he loves you and you should find someone who does. I am still on this elusive quest however. But I know it does exist.
posted by misspony at 6:47 AM on April 7, 2014 [11 favorites]
I've recently posted my own sad break-up relationship question, so I am no expert in recognizing when I am being taken for a ride... and making excuses for them.
BUT- I was married once. For 5 years.... relationship for 7.
And he loved me. Deeply deeply loved me and was in love with me. We were together through thick and thin. The death of my mother, my education, his own stuff. We backed each other up... big time. You couldn't mess with us. We're still friends now, and both of us know that if we needed to borrow 10k- we could ask each other- even if we hadn't spoken in years.
So, I know what its like to be truly loved. That person will fight to the death to keep you and meet your needs and be your best friend- stand in your corner and just love the shit out of you.
At the end of each relationship I have had since my marriage, I have known that they didn't love me like that. During the relationship I could fool myself that they were getting there, or loved differently. But when its over. I know.
And I know I can have it again. And you can have it too. Someone to be there for you... to be a team with.
I don't think he loves you and you should find someone who does. I am still on this elusive quest however. But I know it does exist.
posted by misspony at 6:47 AM on April 7, 2014 [11 favorites]
I think a lot of the advice and insight above is good. I'm mostly answering because you specifically requested male opinions.
So, my take is that this relationship was easy for him. He got regular sex, companionship when he wanted it, and affection. Also, he knows that you love him and that makes him feel good. He obviously finds you attractive, likes spending some time with you, and enjoys the sex. However, I don't think he is in love with you, at least not in the way you want him to be. If he was, this relationship you have had wouldn't have been enough for him and two weeks without you would have been an agonizing wake up call.
I think you need to continue to avoid contact with him because the relationship you have had with him doesn't seem to be enough for you and there is absolutately no indication he is interested in giving you more of himself.
posted by Area Man at 7:19 AM on April 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
So, my take is that this relationship was easy for him. He got regular sex, companionship when he wanted it, and affection. Also, he knows that you love him and that makes him feel good. He obviously finds you attractive, likes spending some time with you, and enjoys the sex. However, I don't think he is in love with you, at least not in the way you want him to be. If he was, this relationship you have had wouldn't have been enough for him and two weeks without you would have been an agonizing wake up call.
I think you need to continue to avoid contact with him because the relationship you have had with him doesn't seem to be enough for you and there is absolutately no indication he is interested in giving you more of himself.
posted by Area Man at 7:19 AM on April 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
No, he doesn't love you. He loves the convenience of you. And I don't think he was trying to send you mixed signals when he outlined your so-called faults; I think he realized that you finally want to move on to a real relationship and instead of stepping up to the plate and meeting your needs, he chose to fuck with your head in hopes of making you doubt yourself so that you couldn't be happy with someone else. His ultimate goal is to have you date, be miserable, and then come crawling back to him so he can continue to use you until he's done.
Don't let him win. Mail back his key, go no contact, and move on. You deserve better.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 7:31 AM on April 7, 2014 [9 favorites]
Don't let him win. Mail back his key, go no contact, and move on. You deserve better.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 7:31 AM on April 7, 2014 [9 favorites]
I mean, he is sending mixed messages, right?
Nope. As ruthless bunny put it, he's your fuck-buddy. That's it. His message is simple and clear. He likes it when you're there couldn't care less when you're not. likes the sex, OK if you don't have it (respelling fuck-buddy as fuck/buddy probably helps to make it more clear)
So evaluate what you want from him. State it without ultimatum. Wait an appropriate amount of time, say a month then make all corrective actions.
PS it sounds like maybe you've done this already, just sayin...
posted by chasles at 7:39 AM on April 7, 2014
Nope. As ruthless bunny put it, he's your fuck-buddy. That's it. His message is simple and clear. He likes it when you're there couldn't care less when you're not. likes the sex, OK if you don't have it (respelling fuck-buddy as fuck/buddy probably helps to make it more clear)
So evaluate what you want from him. State it without ultimatum. Wait an appropriate amount of time, say a month then make all corrective actions.
PS it sounds like maybe you've done this already, just sayin...
posted by chasles at 7:39 AM on April 7, 2014
Another male opinion. I think you have both been using each other as a convenient excuse for not moving on. While some people here are trying to paint this guy as a manipulative creep, I think you let him take advantage of the situation by willingly participating in this charade. The blame is equally divided, move on.
posted by epo at 7:48 AM on April 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by epo at 7:48 AM on April 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
Male here. He is sending mixed messages, but I am inclined to read this as a confused person in a confused relationship, not anything especially malicious.
However, I don't think analyzing him is very important here. If you have been in an off again, on again, move in, move out relationship with this guy for 3-4 years, and it has not yet evolved into anything that is clearly leading to marriage/permanence yet, it almost certainly never will. His current thoughts, feelings, and words are not the telling facts here. If you stay with this guy, it's going to be more of the same. If that's not what you want, move on.
posted by mattu at 8:21 AM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
However, I don't think analyzing him is very important here. If you have been in an off again, on again, move in, move out relationship with this guy for 3-4 years, and it has not yet evolved into anything that is clearly leading to marriage/permanence yet, it almost certainly never will. His current thoughts, feelings, and words are not the telling facts here. If you stay with this guy, it's going to be more of the same. If that's not what you want, move on.
posted by mattu at 8:21 AM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm going to repeat what LuckSeven wrote because it is the Ultimate Truth, with the very important part highlighted for you, just to make it easy:
"No, he doesn't love you. He loves the convenience of you. And I don't think he was trying to send you mixed signals when he outlined your so-called faults; I think he realized that you finally want to move on to a real relationship and instead of stepping up to the plate and meeting your needs, he chose to fuck with your head in hopes of making you doubt yourself so that you couldn't be happy with someone else. His ultimate goal is to have you date, be miserable, and then come crawling back to him so he can continue to use you until he's done.
Don't let him win. Mail back his key, go no contact, and move on. You deserve better."
posted by jbenben at 8:23 AM on April 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
"No, he doesn't love you. He loves the convenience of you. And I don't think he was trying to send you mixed signals when he outlined your so-called faults; I think he realized that you finally want to move on to a real relationship and instead of stepping up to the plate and meeting your needs, he chose to fuck with your head in hopes of making you doubt yourself so that you couldn't be happy with someone else. His ultimate goal is to have you date, be miserable, and then come crawling back to him so he can continue to use you until he's done.
Don't let him win. Mail back his key, go no contact, and move on. You deserve better."
posted by jbenben at 8:23 AM on April 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
Also...
He does not have to be manipulative genius or evil to do any of this. Just undeveloped on some level, or even, simply lazy.
It's none of your business why! You were partnered enough for it to go on for four years, it was a real relationship, no matter the labels.
And it is past time to mail back that key and go No Contact by blocking, deleting, and moving forward.
Congratulations on this new step forward, it's going to be worth it!!
posted by jbenben at 8:33 AM on April 7, 2014 [10 favorites]
He does not have to be manipulative genius or evil to do any of this. Just undeveloped on some level, or even, simply lazy.
It's none of your business why! You were partnered enough for it to go on for four years, it was a real relationship, no matter the labels.
And it is past time to mail back that key and go No Contact by blocking, deleting, and moving forward.
Congratulations on this new step forward, it's going to be worth it!!
posted by jbenben at 8:33 AM on April 7, 2014 [10 favorites]
He does not have to be manipulative genius or evil to do any of this. Just undeveloped on some level, or even, simply lazy.
Agreed. "He doesn't know what he wants" or "he doesn't know what being in a relationship is actually like" are also possibilities. The point being, though, that he may indeed not be evil - but whether or not he's evil is different from whether or not he's right for you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:59 AM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Agreed. "He doesn't know what he wants" or "he doesn't know what being in a relationship is actually like" are also possibilities. The point being, though, that he may indeed not be evil - but whether or not he's evil is different from whether or not he's right for you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:59 AM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
It takes two to tango. I'm not sure why others in this thread are demonizing this guy. You opted in to this arrangement, and stuck with it for years. Apparently it suited you, just as it suited him.
Now, you realize it no longer suits you, so you are wanting to change the terms of the arrangement. He doesn't want those new terms. That's his option.
I see no mixed messages from him. He told you who he is -- he made it clear he's someone who liked the status who. If anything, I'd say you were the one sending mixed messages -- you kept up the illusion that this arrangement was A-OK with you for years. And then you recently again "broke up" with him, but were expecting him to fight for your love or something, it sounds like?
I don't think pinning this on him does you any favors. It's better to own your part of it (since that's the part you can control), figure out what you can learn from the experience so you can make better-for-you choices next time, and move on and rock on with your life.
posted by nacho fries at 9:16 AM on April 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
Now, you realize it no longer suits you, so you are wanting to change the terms of the arrangement. He doesn't want those new terms. That's his option.
I see no mixed messages from him. He told you who he is -- he made it clear he's someone who liked the status who. If anything, I'd say you were the one sending mixed messages -- you kept up the illusion that this arrangement was A-OK with you for years. And then you recently again "broke up" with him, but were expecting him to fight for your love or something, it sounds like?
I don't think pinning this on him does you any favors. It's better to own your part of it (since that's the part you can control), figure out what you can learn from the experience so you can make better-for-you choices next time, and move on and rock on with your life.
posted by nacho fries at 9:16 AM on April 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
My interpretation of the language you say he used is that he is not sending mixed messages, he's just saying he likes you as a person and enjoys being friends with benefits (which is what you currently are), but he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you because he doesn't feel you're compatible enough. I think the way he said it was rude and he was unnecessarily insulting to you, but I don't think it's confusing or unclear.
posted by capricorn at 9:42 AM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 9:42 AM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Lonely humans tend to get significant enjoyment from contact, warmth, and sex, with humans they are attracted to. It's great. This guy views your personality and parts of who you are as a dealbreaker for him in terms of a robust relationship (whether that's reasonable is immaterial, it's how he views the world). But at the same time he figures he would rather have a warm person to hold on to than be alone.
Maybe he's too lazy to find another women, or just hasn't found one yet. He doesn't seem to mind. But if you do that's on you. I'm not sure he has even done anything wrong. He seems to have been pretty clear with what he wants (verbally and through his actions).
posted by jjmoney at 9:52 AM on April 7, 2014
Maybe he's too lazy to find another women, or just hasn't found one yet. He doesn't seem to mind. But if you do that's on you. I'm not sure he has even done anything wrong. He seems to have been pretty clear with what he wants (verbally and through his actions).
posted by jjmoney at 9:52 AM on April 7, 2014
I don't think anyone is demonizing him, per se; there aren't enough details to make an assessment of whether he is being willfully manipulative or just plain selfish and immature. As jbenben rightly pointed out:
He does not have to be manipulative genius or evil to do any of this. Just undeveloped on some level, or even, simply lazy.
The OP has stated that she's made several attempts at moving on: first by moving out, again by dating others, and finally by expressing that she was not happy in the relationship and was moving on. He responded by 1) insisting she keep his key 2) continuing to have a sexual relationship with her while she was dating and muddying the waters further by introducing a new intimacy into their relationship with the sudden cuddling 3) sabotaging her self confidence when she again expressed her desire to move on. (Saying that he loves to talk to her in person, but can't stand when she texts him and "he loves that I am funny, intelligent and that we have a lot in common" but also "thinks I am too emotional." is classic manipulative bullshit.)
Whether he is maliciously messing with her head or not is irrelevant. Every time she's tried to distance herself from him, he's done something to toy with her emotions, pull her back in, and give her false hope that they might work "if only..."
Their dynamic is unhealthy and the OP, from her post, seems to recognize that. GrapCrap, you sound like you now know what you need and this guy ain't gonna give it to you. Move on. For good this time.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 10:03 AM on April 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
He does not have to be manipulative genius or evil to do any of this. Just undeveloped on some level, or even, simply lazy.
The OP has stated that she's made several attempts at moving on: first by moving out, again by dating others, and finally by expressing that she was not happy in the relationship and was moving on. He responded by 1) insisting she keep his key 2) continuing to have a sexual relationship with her while she was dating and muddying the waters further by introducing a new intimacy into their relationship with the sudden cuddling 3) sabotaging her self confidence when she again expressed her desire to move on. (Saying that he loves to talk to her in person, but can't stand when she texts him and "he loves that I am funny, intelligent and that we have a lot in common" but also "thinks I am too emotional." is classic manipulative bullshit.)
Whether he is maliciously messing with her head or not is irrelevant. Every time she's tried to distance herself from him, he's done something to toy with her emotions, pull her back in, and give her false hope that they might work "if only..."
Their dynamic is unhealthy and the OP, from her post, seems to recognize that. GrapCrap, you sound like you now know what you need and this guy ain't gonna give it to you. Move on. For good this time.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 10:03 AM on April 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
I can't tell from your question, but did you ask him if he wants to be in a Relationship With You? Because you should and if the answer is yes, he wants to be in a Relationship With You, great, if no or maybe in teh future or yesbut, move on.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:59 AM on April 7, 2014
posted by WeekendJen at 11:59 AM on April 7, 2014
You never really broke up, IMO. I mean, usually people are in denial that they're NOT in a relationship. You're clearly in denial that you ARE in a relationship. You're sleeping together exclusively and living together. Doesn't really matter what you call a rose, it smells as sweet, yadda yadda.
Now it's time to actually break up, meaning no sex, no living together, no contact, no mutual friends, etc.
It's going to be really hard and really suck, but you can do it.
posted by quincunx at 12:13 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Now it's time to actually break up, meaning no sex, no living together, no contact, no mutual friends, etc.
It's going to be really hard and really suck, but you can do it.
posted by quincunx at 12:13 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
he chose to fuck with your head in hopes of making you doubt yourself so that you couldn't be happy with someone else. His ultimate goal is to have you date, be miserable, and then come crawling back to him so he can continue to use you until he's done.
Demonizing, plus projecting motives based on facts not in evidence.
GrapCrap, you've broken things off with this guy, and have gone to radio silence. Your work here (as far as that relationship goes) is done. Your new job is a a better one: to determine what you want in a relationship, and go through the process of finding it.
Whether this ex loves you or not has no relevance now. He doesn't get to decide if you are lovable -- you do. And that self-love needn't wax or wane based on whether some guy loves you or not.
This is why I think there is real value in sitting down with yourself, and looking at how you directly contributed to your last relationship, and how you can make some changes to act going forward from a position of self-love. It's empowering. Casting the ex as a calculating asshole who contrived for your long-term misery does NOTHING to help you; and frankly, it's more likely he was just a clueless bumbler than a cagey manipulator.
posted by nacho fries at 12:14 PM on April 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
Demonizing, plus projecting motives based on facts not in evidence.
GrapCrap, you've broken things off with this guy, and have gone to radio silence. Your work here (as far as that relationship goes) is done. Your new job is a a better one: to determine what you want in a relationship, and go through the process of finding it.
Whether this ex loves you or not has no relevance now. He doesn't get to decide if you are lovable -- you do. And that self-love needn't wax or wane based on whether some guy loves you or not.
This is why I think there is real value in sitting down with yourself, and looking at how you directly contributed to your last relationship, and how you can make some changes to act going forward from a position of self-love. It's empowering. Casting the ex as a calculating asshole who contrived for your long-term misery does NOTHING to help you; and frankly, it's more likely he was just a clueless bumbler than a cagey manipulator.
posted by nacho fries at 12:14 PM on April 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Weekend Jen: Yes, I wrote him a letter telling him that I love him and what I want out of our situation. I now know he doesn't want to be with me and that's okay. I was just interested in getting opinions on his possible state of mind.
posted by GrapCrap at 8:59 AM on April 8, 2014
posted by GrapCrap at 8:59 AM on April 8, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
He gave you a list of things he doesn't like about you, but the one thing he didn't say was "but I do still want to be in a relationship with you so can we work that out". And that's the only bit that matters. Unless he says he wants to be in a relationship with you, you can assume he does not, so fuck him.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:29 AM on April 7, 2014 [6 favorites]