Does she (really) love me?
April 4, 2014 4:05 PM Subscribe
Accidentally went through my girlfriends email and read what I was not supposed to read.
So one day when I was using my girlfriends computer, I accidentally clicked her email tab and I see that she had been communicating with her first ex bf. So I open and see that she had started talking to him 5 days after she broke up with me 2 months prior to when we got back. In it, she says she still loves him and says that she'll never love anyone the same. Now to remind you that this was when we were "broken up" for a month. She emailed him 5 days after that day. It was a huge long email saying how she still thinks of him 3-4 times a day from everything she does. So Im wondering how I should handle this situation with her. She doesn't know that I went through her email. (I didn't do it purposely. Even tho I shouldn't have opened the email conversation between then. I think any bf would agree with me specially if its from her ex). Anyways, I honestly don't know what to do now. She did this while she broke up with me. And then came back after a month saying that Im the guy for her. I feel used because she came back with me because she could not get back with her ex. Any input in this regards would be greatly appreciated.
So one day when I was using my girlfriends computer, I accidentally clicked her email tab and I see that she had been communicating with her first ex bf. So I open and see that she had started talking to him 5 days after she broke up with me 2 months prior to when we got back. In it, she says she still loves him and says that she'll never love anyone the same. Now to remind you that this was when we were "broken up" for a month. She emailed him 5 days after that day. It was a huge long email saying how she still thinks of him 3-4 times a day from everything she does. So Im wondering how I should handle this situation with her. She doesn't know that I went through her email. (I didn't do it purposely. Even tho I shouldn't have opened the email conversation between then. I think any bf would agree with me specially if its from her ex). Anyways, I honestly don't know what to do now. She did this while she broke up with me. And then came back after a month saying that Im the guy for her. I feel used because she came back with me because she could not get back with her ex. Any input in this regards would be greatly appreciated.
You didn't "accidentally" go through your girlfriend's email, you purposefully clicked on the email exchange. That is very not cool.
And on top of that, the problem from what you've said here is that she talked to an ex about her feelings while you weren't dating? She's perfectly entitled to do so and you don't say you have any reason to think there is physical or emotional cheating going on right now.
You screwed up, you seem to lack trust and be overly possessive of her time and emotions, and I suggest you break up with this woman.
posted by jess at 4:16 PM on April 4, 2014 [11 favorites]
And on top of that, the problem from what you've said here is that she talked to an ex about her feelings while you weren't dating? She's perfectly entitled to do so and you don't say you have any reason to think there is physical or emotional cheating going on right now.
You screwed up, you seem to lack trust and be overly possessive of her time and emotions, and I suggest you break up with this woman.
posted by jess at 4:16 PM on April 4, 2014 [11 favorites]
"Accidentally" clicked her email tab and "accidentally" read a conversation from 2 months ago? Uh huh.
Anyway. You guys were broken up at the time. This confession of love came only days after you'd broken up. People are usually in a heightened emotional state in the wake of a break-up (understandably), they start dwelling on past relationships and past exes, and they sometimes make mistakes because of that--lurid emails to past exes is a pretty mild one, as these things go
Unless there has been more recent contact with a distinctly romantic edge to it, I really think you should let this go. Your girlfriend is human. She did a human thing that she probably looks back on with a bit of embarrassment. This only has to become a problem if you make it one.
posted by kagredon at 4:19 PM on April 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
Anyway. You guys were broken up at the time. This confession of love came only days after you'd broken up. People are usually in a heightened emotional state in the wake of a break-up (understandably), they start dwelling on past relationships and past exes, and they sometimes make mistakes because of that--lurid emails to past exes is a pretty mild one, as these things go
Unless there has been more recent contact with a distinctly romantic edge to it, I really think you should let this go. Your girlfriend is human. She did a human thing that she probably looks back on with a bit of embarrassment. This only has to become a problem if you make it one.
posted by kagredon at 4:19 PM on April 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
You should break up with each other; this relationship has a lot of drama and virtually no trust on either side. There are better options for both of you out there.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 4:21 PM on April 4, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 4:21 PM on April 4, 2014 [16 favorites]
seconding the above. i can't imagine accidentally reading TWO of someone's emails. you have a little integrity problem here, when you can't even tell US the truth. your options are to dummy up, reform yourself and try to keep the relationship, or confess and face the music.
posted by bruce at 4:22 PM on April 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by bruce at 4:22 PM on April 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
Sorry, that was hasty and I don't actually know your situation so I'd like to give a more thoughtful response; it seems like you don't trust her based on the actions you've described here. It also seems like she shouldn't trust you since you went through her email. You have already broken up once. This relationship does not seem to have a strong foundation.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 4:23 PM on April 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 4:23 PM on April 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think the question is how should she handle the situation with you.
You didn't accidentally read an old email. You made a conscious decision to invade her privacy.
You need to break up with her because you will never be able to control her.
posted by Linnee at 4:25 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
You didn't accidentally read an old email. You made a conscious decision to invade her privacy.
You need to break up with her because you will never be able to control her.
posted by Linnee at 4:25 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Dude, you have asked SO MANY QUESTIONS about this same girl/relationship. Dating shouldn't be this hard. Split up so you can both find people you're more compatible with, or you'll be back five more times asking why this relationship isn't working out.
posted by jabes at 4:27 PM on April 4, 2014 [50 favorites]
posted by jabes at 4:27 PM on April 4, 2014 [50 favorites]
I think any bf would agree with me specially if its from her ex
I just want to address this: This is wrong. If this is how you're justifying your actions, you need to stop. Most boyfriends do NOT feel this way. Would they maybe secretly want to? Sure. But would they think it's an acceptable way to behave? Absolutely not. You did something wrong here, and you need to own that, especially given that your girlfriend did absolutely nothing wrong by talking to an ex only after you two had broken up.
posted by brainmouse at 4:29 PM on April 4, 2014 [49 favorites]
I just want to address this: This is wrong. If this is how you're justifying your actions, you need to stop. Most boyfriends do NOT feel this way. Would they maybe secretly want to? Sure. But would they think it's an acceptable way to behave? Absolutely not. You did something wrong here, and you need to own that, especially given that your girlfriend did absolutely nothing wrong by talking to an ex only after you two had broken up.
posted by brainmouse at 4:29 PM on April 4, 2014 [49 favorites]
And then came back after a month saying that Im the guy for her. I feel used because she came back with me because she could not get back with her ex.
It may not be that simple. At age 18, I dumped my boyfriend when I realized he didn't really want to marry me and had been just going along with my claims that we would get married because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. A week later, he was "sure he loved me" and wanted me back. We did in fact get married and were together for 22 years.
Lots of people "don't know what they've got until it's gone." Perhaps the emails helped her get closure with the old boyfriend. I can't really tell based on the limited details here (no, I don't really want more details from her emails that you should not have read). Perhaps in an ideal world you would not see this but I think it is not that uncommon.
Either way, we really can't decide this for you. Only you can decide if you want to stay with this relationship. I think the way you frame these questions is unhealthy and too prone to giving away your inherent agency to other people.
posted by Michele in California at 4:33 PM on April 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
It may not be that simple. At age 18, I dumped my boyfriend when I realized he didn't really want to marry me and had been just going along with my claims that we would get married because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. A week later, he was "sure he loved me" and wanted me back. We did in fact get married and were together for 22 years.
Lots of people "don't know what they've got until it's gone." Perhaps the emails helped her get closure with the old boyfriend. I can't really tell based on the limited details here (no, I don't really want more details from her emails that you should not have read). Perhaps in an ideal world you would not see this but I think it is not that uncommon.
Either way, we really can't decide this for you. Only you can decide if you want to stay with this relationship. I think the way you frame these questions is unhealthy and too prone to giving away your inherent agency to other people.
posted by Michele in California at 4:33 PM on April 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
I wrote out a whole thing about how you're probably not seeing the whole picture, lots of people carry torches, etc.
But here's the real truth.
It is not supposed to be this hard to be with somebody. Multiple breakups and taking a break and being concerned about what happened when you were broken up and jealousy of long-ago exes and email snooping is just way not a good sign for the future of your relationship.
Please end it, for both of your sakes. There's got to be somebody better out there, for her and for you.
posted by Sara C. at 4:38 PM on April 4, 2014 [12 favorites]
But here's the real truth.
It is not supposed to be this hard to be with somebody. Multiple breakups and taking a break and being concerned about what happened when you were broken up and jealousy of long-ago exes and email snooping is just way not a good sign for the future of your relationship.
Please end it, for both of your sakes. There's got to be somebody better out there, for her and for you.
posted by Sara C. at 4:38 PM on April 4, 2014 [12 favorites]
Please tell her that you read her emails.
(I'm very much hoping she has the good sense to break up with you for invading her privacy.)
posted by jbenben at 4:39 PM on April 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
(I'm very much hoping she has the good sense to break up with you for invading her privacy.)
posted by jbenben at 4:39 PM on April 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
Sidestepping the whole email thing, can't you see that she's telling both you and her ex the same things?
posted by rhizome at 4:40 PM on April 4, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 4:40 PM on April 4, 2014 [6 favorites]
Don't think you're getting a pile on here, but it looks like this is the sixth question you've asked about this relationship in about a year.
Like you were advised in a previous question, you should really find a competent therapist and get some help with how you interact with people and about your boundaries. And yes, you completely read her email on purpose and I'd be mightily pissed if someone did that to me.
End it with her, get some help for yourself.
posted by kinetic at 4:52 PM on April 4, 2014 [14 favorites]
Like you were advised in a previous question, you should really find a competent therapist and get some help with how you interact with people and about your boundaries. And yes, you completely read her email on purpose and I'd be mightily pissed if someone did that to me.
End it with her, get some help for yourself.
posted by kinetic at 4:52 PM on April 4, 2014 [14 favorites]
Seriously, six questions in a year? This is not the person for you. You will be happier when you've moved on and met someone with whom being in a relationship isn't a constant tribulation. Leave her, now. I'm agnostic about telling her about the emails, because ultimately you're not leaving her because of them, you're leaving because you're not happy, not for any real meaning of happy. Go be happy. You have our permission. You deserve it.
posted by The Michael The at 4:58 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by The Michael The at 4:58 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
So Im wondering how I should handle this situation with her.
Depends on the outcome you want. Do you want to stay with someone you don't trust? A relationship so fraught it has spawned repeated questions? Then...do nothing.
But what I would do? I'd own up to violating her privacy by reading her email and I'd break up with her because the relationship is not working. I mean maybe, just maybe you really ARE the guy for her... but I think you'd know it, and not because you read it in her emails.
posted by sm1tten at 4:59 PM on April 4, 2014
Depends on the outcome you want. Do you want to stay with someone you don't trust? A relationship so fraught it has spawned repeated questions? Then...do nothing.
But what I would do? I'd own up to violating her privacy by reading her email and I'd break up with her because the relationship is not working. I mean maybe, just maybe you really ARE the guy for her... but I think you'd know it, and not because you read it in her emails.
posted by sm1tten at 4:59 PM on April 4, 2014
If you want to look at it another way, here are your options:
1. Tell her you read her emails (may lead to #3)
2. Don't tell her, just forget about it and never snoop again
3. Break up
Can you pull off #2? Trust her and forget about it and be happy in your relationship? You know better than I, but it doesn't seem that likely.
That leaves you with 1 and 3. I kind of wonder if you snooped because you aren't feeling good about the relationship. If that's the case then #3. Regardless of whether she's using you or not, if you are unhappy then that's all the reason you need to end it.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:08 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
1. Tell her you read her emails (may lead to #3)
2. Don't tell her, just forget about it and never snoop again
3. Break up
Can you pull off #2? Trust her and forget about it and be happy in your relationship? You know better than I, but it doesn't seem that likely.
That leaves you with 1 and 3. I kind of wonder if you snooped because you aren't feeling good about the relationship. If that's the case then #3. Regardless of whether she's using you or not, if you are unhappy then that's all the reason you need to end it.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 5:08 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Honesty is the key in any relationship.
Gotta start with yourself first: you don't 'accidentally' read your SO's email. You did it on purpose, admit that to yourself.
Second: you two were broken up. What she did in that time, unless it affects your physical health, is exactly none of your business.
Third: break up with her, now. You don't trust her and she can't trust you. Tell her why she can't trust you (see the first point).
Fourth: Never, ever do this again.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:17 PM on April 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
Gotta start with yourself first: you don't 'accidentally' read your SO's email. You did it on purpose, admit that to yourself.
Second: you two were broken up. What she did in that time, unless it affects your physical health, is exactly none of your business.
Third: break up with her, now. You don't trust her and she can't trust you. Tell her why she can't trust you (see the first point).
Fourth: Never, ever do this again.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:17 PM on April 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
As others have said, you don't "accidentally" open an email and you don't "accidentally" read it - you have to navigate to it, open it, then read it. You read it because you saw the name of her ex bf and it made you suspicious and/or jealous. It's OK to admit that given you guys were together, broke up, then got back together. Who wouldn't be curious about what their partner was doing during the broken-up phase?
But now that you've sated your curiosity by reading the exchange and discovered she wasn't grieving - but instead, rebounding, what do you plan to do with this negative news? What do you want to happen?
I haven't read your previous questions, but I'm getting the feeling this relationship isn't the healthiest and is quickly headed towards disaster. Why? Because now you're questioning her feelings/sincerity and your own. I think, for you, her behavior while you were broken up constitutes a violation of trust (yes, even if you were broken up at the time) - you feel slighted by her rebounding to the ex and then going back to you after it didn't work, so I don't blame you.
I don't see how this relationship is salvageable. Trust has been broken. You don't trust that she's genuinely into the relationship for you upon discovering those emails, and -that- will eat you apart. You will constantly second-guess her actions/decisions/affection - you'll always feel like you need to keep an eye on her and others. I've been there and it's not a healthy place to be.
Find someone you don't feel the need to snoop on. I promise you, someone awesome like that is out there for you.
posted by stubbehtail at 5:24 PM on April 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
But now that you've sated your curiosity by reading the exchange and discovered she wasn't grieving - but instead, rebounding, what do you plan to do with this negative news? What do you want to happen?
I haven't read your previous questions, but I'm getting the feeling this relationship isn't the healthiest and is quickly headed towards disaster. Why? Because now you're questioning her feelings/sincerity and your own. I think, for you, her behavior while you were broken up constitutes a violation of trust (yes, even if you were broken up at the time) - you feel slighted by her rebounding to the ex and then going back to you after it didn't work, so I don't blame you.
I don't see how this relationship is salvageable. Trust has been broken. You don't trust that she's genuinely into the relationship for you upon discovering those emails, and -that- will eat you apart. You will constantly second-guess her actions/decisions/affection - you'll always feel like you need to keep an eye on her and others. I've been there and it's not a healthy place to be.
Find someone you don't feel the need to snoop on. I promise you, someone awesome like that is out there for you.
posted by stubbehtail at 5:24 PM on April 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
Reading her email and whether she loves you are 2 separate issues:
Reading her email - wrong. I suspect you had a hunch about her, and you clicked the tempting tab.
With that out of the way, the reality appears to be she is "two timing" both you and her Ex - however he has come to his senses and did not fall for her insincere move. Regain your dignity and dump her. Her sincerity is in serious question. Find a girl that treasures you, and treat her with respect.
posted by Kruger5 at 5:33 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Reading her email - wrong. I suspect you had a hunch about her, and you clicked the tempting tab.
With that out of the way, the reality appears to be she is "two timing" both you and her Ex - however he has come to his senses and did not fall for her insincere move. Regain your dignity and dump her. Her sincerity is in serious question. Find a girl that treasures you, and treat her with respect.
posted by Kruger5 at 5:33 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Morality of snooping totally aside (and I say that as someone who has not done it and would not do it): could you clarify how you know this?:
I feel used because she came back with me because she could not get back with her ex.
Did you find this in her inbox, or is it your assumption based on the email message you saw from her to him five days after the two of you were broken up? Was that the only email between the two of them that you snooped on - the one from her to him five days after the two of you broke up? Did you snoop further, and if so, were there any other emails and/or did you read them? If the two of you were broken up for a month, it seems extremely unwise, to say the least, to draw assumptions like this from one email written from her to him five days after the two of you broke up. As someone said above, that's surely a time when she would have been in a heightened emotional state, beanplating her past, getting closure on various things, etc.
posted by ClaireBear at 6:01 PM on April 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I feel used because she came back with me because she could not get back with her ex.
Did you find this in her inbox, or is it your assumption based on the email message you saw from her to him five days after the two of you were broken up? Was that the only email between the two of them that you snooped on - the one from her to him five days after the two of you broke up? Did you snoop further, and if so, were there any other emails and/or did you read them? If the two of you were broken up for a month, it seems extremely unwise, to say the least, to draw assumptions like this from one email written from her to him five days after the two of you broke up. As someone said above, that's surely a time when she would have been in a heightened emotional state, beanplating her past, getting closure on various things, etc.
posted by ClaireBear at 6:01 PM on April 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Just to provide some balance, snooping is not always the automatic death knell of a relationship that some assert that it is. It's not good, but it's not the unforgivable sin. I don't like snooping, I would not do it, and I'm disappointed if it happens in my relationships. However, it's not an automatic death sentence. Bad things happen, and people are often given the opportunity to reform their ways. You should see this as one such opportunity, if given the chance.
That being said, what matters is to what extent it matters to your girlfriend. Find out, and go and sin no more. Accept the consequences of your indiscretion, however, and learn from the error.
I will agree with others, though, who suggest that relationships should not be this hard. It's one of those things that is difficult to discern from the inside, but once you find a good connection with someone that is healthy and drama free, you will wonder why you ever put up with less savory fare.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:11 PM on April 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
That being said, what matters is to what extent it matters to your girlfriend. Find out, and go and sin no more. Accept the consequences of your indiscretion, however, and learn from the error.
I will agree with others, though, who suggest that relationships should not be this hard. It's one of those things that is difficult to discern from the inside, but once you find a good connection with someone that is healthy and drama free, you will wonder why you ever put up with less savory fare.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:11 PM on April 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
Let's forget for a minute about the "snooping is bad" issue.
I can see why you're concerned. Here's what I think you should do: Don't tell your girlfriend you read her mail. In a calm moment, ask if she's happy in the relationship that you two have. Just listen -- when she seems to be done talking, stay quiet in case she wants to say anything more. Ask her if there's anything she'd like to be different if your relationship. Let her say whatever she wants to say. After she says it, seriously think about what the two of you can do to address what she said. Ask her what she thinks the two of you should do.
This isn't the time to tell her what you don't like....even if she asks. Finish up with the subject of what she wants and needs first. You can have that other conversation later, if it seems like your relationship should continue.
This is what I would say if my brother asked me the same question. It might be hard to hear what she's unhappy about, but you have to really take it in.
posted by wryly at 6:27 PM on April 4, 2014 [9 favorites]
I can see why you're concerned. Here's what I think you should do: Don't tell your girlfriend you read her mail. In a calm moment, ask if she's happy in the relationship that you two have. Just listen -- when she seems to be done talking, stay quiet in case she wants to say anything more. Ask her if there's anything she'd like to be different if your relationship. Let her say whatever she wants to say. After she says it, seriously think about what the two of you can do to address what she said. Ask her what she thinks the two of you should do.
This isn't the time to tell her what you don't like....even if she asks. Finish up with the subject of what she wants and needs first. You can have that other conversation later, if it seems like your relationship should continue.
This is what I would say if my brother asked me the same question. It might be hard to hear what she's unhappy about, but you have to really take it in.
posted by wryly at 6:27 PM on April 4, 2014 [9 favorites]
I am not even part of your relationship and I find it exhausting simply reading about it. I can't imagine what it is like for you or her. Let go of all of it - the relationship, her drama, your drama. It seems like the sort of thing you are going to re-read months or years later and cringe, and I have to say I sort of feel for you pre-emptively.
Ask.Metafilter probably doesn't have any answers for you on this particular topic that you're not going to be able to find within yourself. You're sort of at the common sense fork in the road here. (Don't read people's email, break up with them when it's not working anymore.)
posted by mermily at 7:00 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Ask.Metafilter probably doesn't have any answers for you on this particular topic that you're not going to be able to find within yourself. You're sort of at the common sense fork in the road here. (Don't read people's email, break up with them when it's not working anymore.)
posted by mermily at 7:00 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Assuming you are referring to the same girlfriend as in your last few questions: just end it. Successful, happy relationships are not this dramatic and tumultuous.
posted by Neekee at 7:23 PM on April 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Neekee at 7:23 PM on April 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
You need to figure out how to connect with your feelings. There's a lot of people here telling you that it sounds like you're in pain. You're young, so suffering and love might be synonymous.
The only tangible lesson here is don't "accidentally" check a loved one's email again. It never works out. "The truth" is not a secret hidden away in an email. That stuff can always be defeated by how you're feeling, how being with this person makes you feel, and how much love and understanding you can bring to a relationship.
If you can't bring love and understanding to the relationship, or if the other person isn't receptive, then don't bring anything. You'll figure this out the easy way or the hard way. Other people will occasionally lie, occasionally fail you, occasionally be human. Some will do even more than that. So you need to figure out what your values are. For me, not being a snoop was one of them. Nobody's perfect, some people are even downright unhealthy, and accepting that will allow you to have real intimacy with the right person.
Some people say you only become an adult in relationships when you break up with someone who is a good match but not the best match. Have some faith that love is not supposed to require so much manipulation and thought. Underneath your victimhood is probably a lot of anger and fear that maybe not a lot of people see. I sympathize with you. If you feel like a bad person for leaving, trust me, you're probably doing the right thing.
posted by phaedon at 7:44 PM on April 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
The only tangible lesson here is don't "accidentally" check a loved one's email again. It never works out. "The truth" is not a secret hidden away in an email. That stuff can always be defeated by how you're feeling, how being with this person makes you feel, and how much love and understanding you can bring to a relationship.
If you can't bring love and understanding to the relationship, or if the other person isn't receptive, then don't bring anything. You'll figure this out the easy way or the hard way. Other people will occasionally lie, occasionally fail you, occasionally be human. Some will do even more than that. So you need to figure out what your values are. For me, not being a snoop was one of them. Nobody's perfect, some people are even downright unhealthy, and accepting that will allow you to have real intimacy with the right person.
Some people say you only become an adult in relationships when you break up with someone who is a good match but not the best match. Have some faith that love is not supposed to require so much manipulation and thought. Underneath your victimhood is probably a lot of anger and fear that maybe not a lot of people see. I sympathize with you. If you feel like a bad person for leaving, trust me, you're probably doing the right thing.
posted by phaedon at 7:44 PM on April 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I do think you should really look at the accidently reading. You may have not had conscious intention but you followed through on clicking and reading the emails. I do think that more people read partners emails but that you don't hear about it when there is nothing emotional to read. Have I read some of my wife's boring class emails cuz they were there? Yeah. Would she mind ? Probably not. I think it is a combination of 1. You need to admit your own agency and 2) victim blaming (you found something bad so it's your fault). The emails existed regardless if you know about them. Obviously it is not that simple due to many of the individual factors (you were broken up ect).
I went back and read some of your titles but not your posts. I'd say that you are anxious about the relationship at best. That could be an internal problem. That no matter what girl you are with you will feel that she's emotionally involved with someone else, will leave you, and general anxiety of is this relationship working the way relationships should work. That's something you would need to explore with a therapist.
I'd you look back at previous relationships and you don't have these themes you have some choices. An open and honest discussion is possible and you could explore this together. If that isn't possible it is time to cut your losses and leave.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:26 PM on April 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I went back and read some of your titles but not your posts. I'd say that you are anxious about the relationship at best. That could be an internal problem. That no matter what girl you are with you will feel that she's emotionally involved with someone else, will leave you, and general anxiety of is this relationship working the way relationships should work. That's something you would need to explore with a therapist.
I'd you look back at previous relationships and you don't have these themes you have some choices. An open and honest discussion is possible and you could explore this together. If that isn't possible it is time to cut your losses and leave.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:26 PM on April 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Although it seems that some people are quick to hound you about reading the emails I wouldn't beat myself up over it if I were you . Yeah it isn't cool that you did that, and obviously it's something to avoid doing in the future, but you are human and the temptation to look is normal.
posted by mrdrummed at 8:44 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by mrdrummed at 8:44 PM on April 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
The thing is, reading the email was kinda shitty, but we all do things we regret and are shitty from time to time. Then if we are mature we accept what we have done own up to it and accept the consequences. Sometimes we lean from it, and sometimes we are forgiven for it. In a stable working relationship the partners can overcome this. Indeed for some it's a bigger deal than others.
However, you know? This is not a stable working relationship it sounds like a desperation thing lurching from crisis to crisis. AskMe is not a substitute for real help, it is only a band-aid. Stop asking questions here, especially if you are not going to follow the advise in the first place.
It kind of sounds like the two of you should not be together at his time, and that from past indications you may need some additional assistance beyond what we can or should provide.
Good luck, I do wish you the best.
posted by edgeways at 11:49 PM on April 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
However, you know? This is not a stable working relationship it sounds like a desperation thing lurching from crisis to crisis. AskMe is not a substitute for real help, it is only a band-aid. Stop asking questions here, especially if you are not going to follow the advise in the first place.
It kind of sounds like the two of you should not be together at his time, and that from past indications you may need some additional assistance beyond what we can or should provide.
Good luck, I do wish you the best.
posted by edgeways at 11:49 PM on April 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't think it matters very much what all of us here on Mefi think about you reading your girlfriend's email. It matters what she thinks about it. Why not just tell her straight out (and apologise) and see what comes of it? She might think that's reason to break up, or she might understand and not think it's a huge deal.
I think this is the kind of honesty a relationship is based on; we all botch up now and then (as you did when you snooped).
posted by miaow at 1:03 AM on April 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think this is the kind of honesty a relationship is based on; we all botch up now and then (as you did when you snooped).
posted by miaow at 1:03 AM on April 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Like others, I think that you were totally wrong for reading the emails. She can never trust you again, and you should break up.
However, you can read something else in what you typed. "I feel used because she came back with me because she could not get back with her ex."
You should feel used. You are the second place guy in her life. If you are in a relationship with her, you need to be the first place guy in her life (and she needs to be the first place woman in yours). Perhaps she would rather just do time with you until something better comes along. It sounds like she would rather be with the "wrong" guy, that with "no" guy.
If she cannot put you first, and you cannot be trusted, you need to break up and find someone else.
posted by Leenie at 1:29 AM on April 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
However, you can read something else in what you typed. "I feel used because she came back with me because she could not get back with her ex."
You should feel used. You are the second place guy in her life. If you are in a relationship with her, you need to be the first place guy in her life (and she needs to be the first place woman in yours). Perhaps she would rather just do time with you until something better comes along. It sounds like she would rather be with the "wrong" guy, that with "no" guy.
If she cannot put you first, and you cannot be trusted, you need to break up and find someone else.
posted by Leenie at 1:29 AM on April 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
People suggesting that you should break up with her for her sake are completely off base. There is a kind of mob mentality going on here that you've committed a transgression in their eyes and now you should have to pay some consequences, and since the transgression is secret, you should (comically) be the one to self-flagellate! Don't do it, OP.
People who are (justifiably or unjustifiably) insecure about their relationships often violate privacy to get at the hidden truth. Sometimes the other person is too good at hiding the truth (or straight-up lying) and the violation is justified. Sometimes, the privacy is violated out of an unjustifiable personal insecurity. No one can know from what little you've written which it is.
You should decipher why you feel the way you do in your quest to perfect yourself, but this is aside from your problem and your question, which is that you feel used because it seems like she settled for second best and is pretending that you're the love of her life.
The simple option is to break up with her because you feel like you have all the evidence you need.
A more direct option is to ask her if she feels like she settled for second best. She might guess why you're asking. It might force a difficult and revealing conversation. These conversations are worth a thousand misinterpretable emails.
Good luck.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 2:16 AM on April 5, 2014 [6 favorites]
People who are (justifiably or unjustifiably) insecure about their relationships often violate privacy to get at the hidden truth. Sometimes the other person is too good at hiding the truth (or straight-up lying) and the violation is justified. Sometimes, the privacy is violated out of an unjustifiable personal insecurity. No one can know from what little you've written which it is.
You should decipher why you feel the way you do in your quest to perfect yourself, but this is aside from your problem and your question, which is that you feel used because it seems like she settled for second best and is pretending that you're the love of her life.
The simple option is to break up with her because you feel like you have all the evidence you need.
A more direct option is to ask her if she feels like she settled for second best. She might guess why you're asking. It might force a difficult and revealing conversation. These conversations are worth a thousand misinterpretable emails.
Good luck.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 2:16 AM on April 5, 2014 [6 favorites]
Is this the same relationship from your previous Asks? So six months ago you were telling this girl what to wear and how to clean her cat dish, a few months later you were complaining that she doesn't listen to the way you tell her to go to the mechanic, and now you're snooping through her emails in search of emotional wrongdoing? This sounds like a toxic relationship that neither of you should be in.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 3:11 AM on April 5, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 3:11 AM on April 5, 2014 [18 favorites]
You don't know that she got back together with you because her ex was unavailable. It's more likely she contacted him because you were unavailable, and wouldn't have done so if you hadn't broken up. People contact old exes after breakups all the time; people are allowed to change their minds.
I wouldn't say that trying to get back together with an old flame and then reuniting with a recent ex is particularly wise or mature, and I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who hasn't closed the door on their previous relationships, but it's not the malicious act you make it out to be.
Given your posting history, I don't think you should be in any relationship right now, and it's clear that this particular one is not right for either of you. You have a lot to learn about empathy and appropriate boundaries before you can be a good partner in a healthy relationship.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:11 AM on April 5, 2014 [6 favorites]
I wouldn't say that trying to get back together with an old flame and then reuniting with a recent ex is particularly wise or mature, and I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who hasn't closed the door on their previous relationships, but it's not the malicious act you make it out to be.
Given your posting history, I don't think you should be in any relationship right now, and it's clear that this particular one is not right for either of you. You have a lot to learn about empathy and appropriate boundaries before you can be a good partner in a healthy relationship.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:11 AM on April 5, 2014 [6 favorites]
Looking at the other questions you've posted, I think there are some serious cultural and family psychodynamic issues interfering with how you think about women and romantic relationships in general here. You both idealize and then, predictably, grow suspicious and feel your masculinity threatened when your partner isn't living up to your ideal, and the focus on sexual jealousy is the giveaway. Your understanding of western/American gender relations is clouded by traces of a seriously patriarchal cultural understanding of what a romantic relationship is for women like your girlfriend, and that will mess up your (intercultural) relationships until you deal with it in therapy, with experience, and with introspection. This is an unequal relationship with poor communication. It's not simply you behaving badly, it's that you don't understand your girlfriend's feelings as an equal partner, but only in relation to your own needs. It makes you sound adolescent and needy, and terribly insecure, which will drive potential romantic partners interested in adult, equal relationships away until you address and change your most basic expectations.
You are feeling around in the dark, when what you need to do is learn more about how you were raised to think about women and love and why the subject is so challenging for you to grasp. If you treat your partner as an adversary to be figured out in sneaky ways, and ask strangers rather than asking *her* what she wants or needs, you will not grow from the experience of this (likely doomed) relationship.
Your struggle is common. It's characteristic even of Anglo guys who grew up in conservative or religious communities. You were taught that women were the "other." You have to undo that and learn to see women as true equals to yourself.
posted by spitbull at 8:36 AM on April 5, 2014 [33 favorites]
You are feeling around in the dark, when what you need to do is learn more about how you were raised to think about women and love and why the subject is so challenging for you to grasp. If you treat your partner as an adversary to be figured out in sneaky ways, and ask strangers rather than asking *her* what she wants or needs, you will not grow from the experience of this (likely doomed) relationship.
Your struggle is common. It's characteristic even of Anglo guys who grew up in conservative or religious communities. You were taught that women were the "other." You have to undo that and learn to see women as true equals to yourself.
posted by spitbull at 8:36 AM on April 5, 2014 [33 favorites]
I don't think you guys are in love with each other. Reading someone's email isn't a loving act. Neither is being bossy about what they wear or how they act. So to me you don't love her.
This is okay. Despite how often people say they love this or that person, love is actually rarer than you'd think and comes in beautiful variety. The one quality these types of love share is that they help you be better than you would be on your own.
This all seems so toxic that I can't see how this relationship is leading you to your best self. Your unhappiness permeates this post and your other dramariffic relationship posts.
posted by spunweb at 8:54 AM on April 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
This is okay. Despite how often people say they love this or that person, love is actually rarer than you'd think and comes in beautiful variety. The one quality these types of love share is that they help you be better than you would be on your own.
This all seems so toxic that I can't see how this relationship is leading you to your best self. Your unhappiness permeates this post and your other dramariffic relationship posts.
posted by spunweb at 8:54 AM on April 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
TLDR version of my comment: why are you so scared of women?
As you appear to be a college student in the US, I highly recommend you take, as an elective class, Women's Studies (or Gender Studies) 101 (whatever it is called at your school). The majority of your classmates are likely to be women and you will feel very challenged. And that's good for you! Hanging around with a bunch of guys, many of whom were raised like yourself (I'm a college professor, I know what engineering programs are like) will lead to continuing to other and adversarialize women.
Here's a tricky question to address as you introspect: do you have any women friends who are not potential/failed romantic situations? Is there a woman in your life you could talk to about this without it being impossibly awkward who is not your mother? I'm going to guess not. And that is a telling truth, if it is true. Whatever else a proper romantic relationship that is equally satisfying to both parties is, it entails friendship at its core. You should learn to be friends with women (and I mean, really, just be friends) before you move forward with a new relationship if this one fails. And you should try to repair this one by asking yourself "is this how I would treat or relate to a person I considered my very close friend?" (Again, just guessing, but I don't think you'd be poking around in a very close friend's email even if you could cleanly get away with it. The reasons for that ought to be the reasons you wouldn't consider doing this to your girlfriend.)
posted by spitbull at 9:34 AM on April 5, 2014 [16 favorites]
As you appear to be a college student in the US, I highly recommend you take, as an elective class, Women's Studies (or Gender Studies) 101 (whatever it is called at your school). The majority of your classmates are likely to be women and you will feel very challenged. And that's good for you! Hanging around with a bunch of guys, many of whom were raised like yourself (I'm a college professor, I know what engineering programs are like) will lead to continuing to other and adversarialize women.
Here's a tricky question to address as you introspect: do you have any women friends who are not potential/failed romantic situations? Is there a woman in your life you could talk to about this without it being impossibly awkward who is not your mother? I'm going to guess not. And that is a telling truth, if it is true. Whatever else a proper romantic relationship that is equally satisfying to both parties is, it entails friendship at its core. You should learn to be friends with women (and I mean, really, just be friends) before you move forward with a new relationship if this one fails. And you should try to repair this one by asking yourself "is this how I would treat or relate to a person I considered my very close friend?" (Again, just guessing, but I don't think you'd be poking around in a very close friend's email even if you could cleanly get away with it. The reasons for that ought to be the reasons you wouldn't consider doing this to your girlfriend.)
posted by spitbull at 9:34 AM on April 5, 2014 [16 favorites]
Spitbull with the truthbomb. Like, 110 percent right. Read both comments again, right now.
posted by klangklangston at 10:43 AM on April 5, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 10:43 AM on April 5, 2014 [5 favorites]
So, at least two problems here. The trust/anxiety that led to the snooping has been covered.
But I see your other issue. However you found out, you found out. She said things like she thinks of the ex all the time. What about now? Is she still thinking of the ex when you're together?
Well, people say lots of things. That's kind of what you're supposed to say in that kind of letter. Plus, it was right after a breakup. There may be a bit of hyperbole involved; I wouldn't read the email strictly literally. But if it's put the question in your mind, then you have to answer the question to your mind's satisfaction or it's always going to be there.
Whether you tell her about the snooping or not, the only way to answer that question is to talk to her about it. Before you do that, though, ask yourself: does it matter what she says? Is there anything she could say to you, or any way she could say it, that would alleviate this anxiety you have about it? If not, maybe just skip it and break up.
You deserve to be with someone about whom you don't have these nagging fears and questions. It could be you, it could be her, it doesn't matter* - this may not be that person at this time.
* but if it keeps happening with different people, it could be you and you should look into that.
posted by ctmf at 12:37 PM on April 5, 2014
But I see your other issue. However you found out, you found out. She said things like she thinks of the ex all the time. What about now? Is she still thinking of the ex when you're together?
Well, people say lots of things. That's kind of what you're supposed to say in that kind of letter. Plus, it was right after a breakup. There may be a bit of hyperbole involved; I wouldn't read the email strictly literally. But if it's put the question in your mind, then you have to answer the question to your mind's satisfaction or it's always going to be there.
Whether you tell her about the snooping or not, the only way to answer that question is to talk to her about it. Before you do that, though, ask yourself: does it matter what she says? Is there anything she could say to you, or any way she could say it, that would alleviate this anxiety you have about it? If not, maybe just skip it and break up.
You deserve to be with someone about whom you don't have these nagging fears and questions. It could be you, it could be her, it doesn't matter* - this may not be that person at this time.
* but if it keeps happening with different people, it could be you and you should look into that.
posted by ctmf at 12:37 PM on April 5, 2014
Two things.
1. A relationship is hard work, but a good relationship is good hard work. You hang in there together, you work on things together, and you never cease communicating. Your partner (gf, bf, whatever) is the one you can depend upon, the one you can ask the hard questions, and the one who asks you the hard question too - because you are in this together.
2. Women are human beings. We are just like guys. You can talk with us as well as to us. We are not something to figure out or do battle against. We are just like you.
So, having made those two points, I want to ask:
1.1: are you in a relationship or in a good relationship?
1.2: seeing as not all relationships can become good relationships, is there any potential in this relationship?
1.2.1: if not, what have you learned from this relationship that you can bring into the next relationship? have you learned anything about yourself?
1.3: what steps do you need to take to make any potential relationship into a really good, supportive relationship?
2.1: do you have any female friends?
2.2: do you have any friends you can talk to about emotional issues? do you have both male and female friends you can trust?
2.3: have you done any form of volunteering that lets you interact with a wide variety of girls in a non-romantic context?
I hope you are asking yourself all these question and I ask you to please, please be honest with yourself.
posted by kariebookish at 1:00 PM on April 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
1. A relationship is hard work, but a good relationship is good hard work. You hang in there together, you work on things together, and you never cease communicating. Your partner (gf, bf, whatever) is the one you can depend upon, the one you can ask the hard questions, and the one who asks you the hard question too - because you are in this together.
2. Women are human beings. We are just like guys. You can talk with us as well as to us. We are not something to figure out or do battle against. We are just like you.
So, having made those two points, I want to ask:
1.1: are you in a relationship or in a good relationship?
1.2: seeing as not all relationships can become good relationships, is there any potential in this relationship?
1.2.1: if not, what have you learned from this relationship that you can bring into the next relationship? have you learned anything about yourself?
1.3: what steps do you need to take to make any potential relationship into a really good, supportive relationship?
2.1: do you have any female friends?
2.2: do you have any friends you can talk to about emotional issues? do you have both male and female friends you can trust?
2.3: have you done any form of volunteering that lets you interact with a wide variety of girls in a non-romantic context?
I hope you are asking yourself all these question and I ask you to please, please be honest with yourself.
posted by kariebookish at 1:00 PM on April 5, 2014 [3 favorites]
Instead of asking if she really loves you, I would ask:
1) Do you really love her?
2) Do you really love yourself?
Judging from what you've shared here, I'd say the answer to both of those questions is "No." More to the point: It doesn't seem like you know what healthy love is -- what it means to really love and accept yourself or another person, in an emotionally mature way.
If you really love someone, you do not allow yourself to snoop around their stuff. More importantly, if you really love your*self*, you accept your feelings and express them directly. If you don't trust your partner, you address that directly with them. If insecurities come up, you take responsibility for how you feel, but you also communicate about those issues with your partner and try to address the root of the insecurity as a team. You don't use your trust issues as an excuse to violate their privacy. If you feel used, and your feelings are rational and valid, then you leave the relationship. You set boundaries about your behavior in the relationship and the behavior of your partner. If either one of you violate them, you address it and then leave if the boundaries are repeatedly crossed. That is what one does when they really love themselves.
posted by Gray Skies at 3:53 PM on April 5, 2014
1) Do you really love her?
2) Do you really love yourself?
Judging from what you've shared here, I'd say the answer to both of those questions is "No." More to the point: It doesn't seem like you know what healthy love is -- what it means to really love and accept yourself or another person, in an emotionally mature way.
If you really love someone, you do not allow yourself to snoop around their stuff. More importantly, if you really love your*self*, you accept your feelings and express them directly. If you don't trust your partner, you address that directly with them. If insecurities come up, you take responsibility for how you feel, but you also communicate about those issues with your partner and try to address the root of the insecurity as a team. You don't use your trust issues as an excuse to violate their privacy. If you feel used, and your feelings are rational and valid, then you leave the relationship. You set boundaries about your behavior in the relationship and the behavior of your partner. If either one of you violate them, you address it and then leave if the boundaries are repeatedly crossed. That is what one does when they really love themselves.
posted by Gray Skies at 3:53 PM on April 5, 2014
I would also just add that based on your prior questions about this relationship, you should definitely end it.
Sometimes we experience very difficult relationships with people we have strong feelings for in order to help us grow and develop our emotional awareness and inter-personal skills. But it's really important for you to know that the relationship you've described is not healthy. There are other women in the world. Your concern should not be dating right now. End the relationship and do not get sucked back into it. You two are not good for each other.
posted by Gray Skies at 4:02 PM on April 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Sometimes we experience very difficult relationships with people we have strong feelings for in order to help us grow and develop our emotional awareness and inter-personal skills. But it's really important for you to know that the relationship you've described is not healthy. There are other women in the world. Your concern should not be dating right now. End the relationship and do not get sucked back into it. You two are not good for each other.
posted by Gray Skies at 4:02 PM on April 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
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I think you should break up with her. She can't trust you.
I didn't do it purposely.
Yes you did.
posted by headnsouth at 4:16 PM on April 4, 2014 [120 favorites]