Boyfrend broke up with me, now he's in contact. What's happening?
April 2, 2014 12:05 PM Subscribe
After almost a year of planning to move abroad together my boyfriend dumped me suddenly after a tough couple of months. Can you help me diagnose what's going on here?
posted by Kat_Dubs to Human Relations (22 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
Nearly a year ago my (ex) boyfriend and I got together. At the time my grandfather who had been much like a father after my parents split, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I warned my not-yet boyfriend of the turbulent time that might come with this and he said “I want to be there for you. I can be your haven when things get rough” and so we entered into a relationship. After a couple of months of dating, he told me he loved me. I was surprised/slightly freaked out, but he assured me he had never met anyone he felt this free to express himself with.
Before we met, it turns out we had both wanted to go travelling to the same country. And, over dinner one night, he said “In a year from now, once things have settled we can go to Spain, travel together, get a little place and *insert further dreamy plans here*.” I did think it was fast, but it also gave me something to look forward to. And the fact he was postponing travelling to be with me meant a lot.
Life got harder. My once strong grandad deteriorated before my eyes, and my mother and myself pulled together to look after him. My time with my boyfriend did provide the ‘haven’ he had spoken of; we spent time learning recipes of the cuisine of the country we were going to move to, even went to the country for a short break to check out the location + started learning the language together.
But after my granddad died my boyfriend exploded one night. Said everything had been about my needs all this time while I felt aghast at his lack of empathy (his mother died from cancer years prior). He brought up a list of little chores & things had forgotten to do when I was emotionally weak and void.
Then I got promoted at work and started to feel gradually better – I resumed driving lessons + occasionally wrote for a magazine. Meanwhile he stayed underemployed working part time and bragged about how many books he read at work because the days were so slow.
But things got better again. We ramped up planning for the future and he said he thought we should move in together before we moved abroad as a trial run. I wasn’t ready yet (grieving) and suggested we try around Autumn time. His response? “It sounds like you want to break up with me.” He began nitpicking at things like ‘you don’t always thank the cashier in the shop’ (not true!) and ‘you seem to just think about yourself a lot’ (again, I had spent a year sacrificing my own dream, which had always been to go travelling, to look after my family the best way I could! Wtf).
Grief, my family’s grief, being overloaded at work because we are understaffed, chronic pain had made things almost unbearable at times…but I decided to take action + do something about it. I started yoga, eating better + trying to become more mindful. Last week I tried to encourage him that while things had been hard, patience and time would heal the situation and we were so close to reaching our travel destination. We were almost there. Then he came to a family event with me, played nice with my parents and broke it off a few hours later. Cited lots of reasons: we seem incompatible (one part of this was that he always said he’d stop smoking before we moved in together – he didn’t in the end), “I really wanted us to move in for that trial period”, “you don’t seem to have room for me in your life” + finally breaking down in tears with “I don’t deserve to be with you.”
I had a missed call from him the next day, didn’t return it and haven’t heard since. I am struggling because I was building a future with this man and feel the rug has been pulled from under me. One of the things I am struggling more than anything though, is the assassination that begun on my character in the last few weeks. How could he change his mind about us so quickly? Why stay with me for that length of time then leave suddenly?
Update: just before I posted this he text me asking how I was. He said he was sorry about everything, that his head had been muddled. recently and that he hoped I was okay. This comes after I said I did not want to remain in contact/friends - I feel more messed with now!