Cant. Seem. To. Move. On.
March 30, 2014 10:32 PM Subscribe
I'm 30 and female. A year and a half ago I broke up with this guy who I had been with for just as long. I didn't want to break up with him, because I loved him dearly, but I had to because he was treating me so poorly near the end. Ever since we broke up, I've been a semi wreck when it comes to anything romantic. I had an ill-advised rebound with a secret alcoholic followed by a guy who took me for a three month long ride. Meanwhile my ex got back in touch from afar (he lived in another state) this summer and started calling me every night, telling me he loved me and was open to us being together again when I moved to where he lived. But when I actually did move to NY (where he lives) not for him but to start my career in earnest, he abruptly changed his tune. Suddenly he didn't even want to be my friend and couldn't stay in touch. We last spoke a month and a half ago (we've been in very sporadic contact since I moved) and I haven't heard from him since.
posted by caseofyou to Human Relations (26 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Since moving here five months ago, I just feel depressed and hopeless when it comes to relationships. I've been asked out by some guys but they were all vastly incompatible with me or unattractive to me. I gave one of them a chance and he turned out to be completely insane as I had suspected on our first date. And yes, I would feel this way no matter the circumstances.
I can't seem to motivate myself to try but I'm very lonely. I loved him so much and sometimes it feels like I spent up all the love that I had on him. I used to think it was bullshit when other people said that, but now I sort of related. It feels like something inside me shifted deep down and can't be repaired. My attitude about life and people has become more cynical and defeated. Not in an angry way. I'm past anger to apathy.
As my confidence has slipped since moving here, so has my attention to my appearance. The first two months I moved to the city, I put a lot of effort into looking good. Then I got a bad haircut and started feeling unattractive and sort of let my appearance go. I'm just completely absorbed in my work and trying to ignore all other concerns but sometimes I'll suddenly be reminded of how lonely I am or how much I miss him.
Why is this happening to me when I've always bounced back from every other breakup in a few months or less with my confidence intact? What's strange is even when I push myself to be more social and go out with a girlfriend from work, it doesn't seem to lift my spirits.
I think part of what's really getting me down is the fact that I know NY guys are more superficial and picky than average. I don't feel like I have a shot with anyone decent in this town without being very pretty and successful. I'm afraid of throwing myself out there into the dating world in this city considering how fragile I feel right now.
What should I do? I've taken plenty of time off dating (six months) and it doesn't seem to have helped. Is online dating too brutal (I've never really tried it)? Also, is there something I need to switch mentally to get unstuck? I can't seem to figure out what's wrong.