My wonderful fiancé and I getting married this August. While I'm happy at the thought of "officially" starting a life together, we've been together more than eight years, and it doesn't feel like a huge deal any more. I'm also stressed about my career, which is occupying my mind most of the time. The actual wedding is being organized entirely by my parents, and neither of us are thrilled about what the ceremony's shaping up to be. What can I/we do to make the whole getting hitched thing more meaningful for us?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Career woes: Fiancé currently lives 2 hours away. We're both academics. For various good reasons, we've decided that having him move from his job is not practical, and I should try to get a job in his city instead. I applied to all of the handful of faculty jobs in the city and haven't heard back from any. It's late in the season, so this probably means I'm out of the running. It's driving me to borderline depression. Granted, it is not the end of the world, since I can stay at my current position another year and apply again, but we'd really like to start married life living together, and more than that, I'm worried I won't get a job next year either. (If you're familiar with the academic world, you probably know what the odds are.) I'm mentally prepared to look for non-academic jobs, of course, but I really want to stay in academia.
Ceremonial frivolities: Though we live in the US now, we're both from India, and our wedding is going to be there. As is the custom, my parents are paying for it -- for which I'm very grateful -- but I obviously don't have much say. (To pre-empt suggestions that we contribute to the cost: it's simply not possible. I suggested it, and my parents were hugely offended.)
In contrast to the picture painted by Bollywood, our wedding will be an extremely sober affair: a short 6 am religious ceremony on a weekday (non-negotiable; don't ask) followed by breakfast, and: end. No music or dancing, no opportunities to socialize with the guests, and certainly no alcohol. This could be offset by the prospect of my parents saving money to have a simple wedding, but they insist on splurging on the most expensive venue in town. It seems like a huge waste to spend so much money on such a low-key affair. To add to that, most of our friends from home have moved away, and our US friends won't be able to make the trek. Besides our close family, we don't have emotional attachments to the majority of guests that will be attending. We're not religious at all, so that aspect of it is totally lost on us. The whole plan makes me yawn just thinking about it.
Finally, we didn't have an official engagement or down-on-the-knee proposal (for feminist reasons, and because that's not part of Indian culture anyway), so we never experienced the giddy engagement phase I hear about. Our families just kept asking us if we were finally ready to get married, and we talked to each other, and eventually said yes.
TLDR: We're getting married, and feeling very blah about it. While I know there's more to marriage than the wedding, etc., it would be nice to have... I guess, a spiritual moment that makes the transition to being married, or something. Ideas on what we can do to have that moment? It doesn't have to be part of the wedding. I just don't want to feel like we had an expensive 6 am party and signed some papers and then life went on as usual (probably without even the consolation of moving in together immediately). We considered having another ceremony in the US for our friends, but decided we don't really want two ceremonies: it's like we're invalidating one of the ceremonies or something, which is worse. We might go ahead and have a casual reception/party in the US, and are open to suggestions on making that meaningful in some small way as well.
Also, if you are happily married and felt so-so about your wedding, feel free to tell me I'm making an unnecessarily big deal of this.