Is it Normal To Feel Tension Around My Boyfriend's Friends?
March 16, 2014 1:26 AM Subscribe
I've a question, which is a conundrum. I'm a female newly involved with a fantastic guy I've known nine years. While generally I’m okay with my boyfriend’s friends (male and female) there are two males I’m completely uncomfortable around. The friends I’m uncomfortable around give me a strange vibe: One does not look at me at all when I’m around him, the other friend wishes to lean on my boyfriend constantly – he has made no effort to know me, does not know what I do, who I am – he will however call my boyfriend to get advice and ask for help (this friend is older as well.) I’ve listened to both of these guys but feel uneasy around them when in their company because I feel as though it is a chore to smile and act interested. I also feel they want something from my boyfriend with no regard for his relationship and time.
posted by Fayrose to Human Relations (23 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
To make matters worse, I’m the woman after his twenty year marriage – both these guys disliked my boyfriend's ex-wife, in fact many people did so I’m unsure if these two men in particular dislike her out of jealousy or because of her character and if they judge me based on that criteria.
Sometimes it seems the people in my boyfriend’s life are meeting me with preconceived notions based on the ex. It seems I’m treated the way his ex may have been treated, which I’m unsure is the right way for me to feel (I did ask my boyfriend if the two guys I have issues with treated his ex the way they treat me, the answer was yes.) I’m not her; certainly I’m me and feel I’ve a lot to offer people in the way of friendship. I suppose I assume these two people in particular are very jealous and also very possessive of him to the point that perhaps they dislike me for interfering with their relationship with him? I’m uncertain how to deal with it. It has gone on enough that I wish to not be around those two friends. It’s odd when the older male friend tries to tell me things about my boyfriend’s personality that I already know (I have known him nine years) as he is forceful and a bit rude - and I dislike that the other one will not make eye contact because it makes me feel extremely irrelevant. That aside, there is some social anxiety on my end; I’m shy and introverted - also extremely cerebral with a very creative personality being very much my own world. However, I try hard to be welcoming and open to others.
I’m curious how one might handle himself or herself in this sort of social situation. Should I keep at a distance or humor them? What psychologically causes this in my boyfriend's friends? I’m afraid to meet more of his friends out of fear they will not accept me. There's no need to make a big deal out of it to my boyfriend and he explained that’s just the way those two guys in particular are and to not take it personal and he also loves me deeply, so I try my best not to. Is this normal with friends, is this a result of his long marriage to a selfish and not so deep personality? Maybe his friends worry I'm that way too? Or?
Any thoughts and opinions, even advice, is very welcome. Thank you in advance.