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NSFW. My partner expressed a desire and I would like to accommodate.
March 14, 2014 7:28 AM   Subscribe

How do you arrange a threesome?

I'm a hetero female partnered happily, exclusively, and lovingly with a hetero male for one year. We are around 40 years old and divorced survivors of cheating spouses. We feel we have found our soulmates in each other. I do not doubt my partner in any way.

We have a robust, if vanilla, sex life. During recent sex play, I asked my partner to describe a fantasy and he wants a threesome with another female, specifically one who wants to engage in play with me (and then, him).

I'm theoretically fine with this and would LOVE to fulfill his fantasy, and it makes me a bit hot! But I have some questions.

1) I've had only one, tequila-fueled same-sex encounter and really, that doesn't do it for me. I'm not attracted to women. I suspect seeing my man get turned on by it will be different. Any advice or anecdotes?

2) I don't know how to find the third for the threesome. Neither of us want a friend or acquaintance in this role.

I have honestly never done anything crazier than reverse cowgirl, so I am not in the know. I know people do this, but I'm not sure how they do it.

Also, it really turns me on to THINK about doing this, but will I regret it? I adore him and neither of us are cheating types. I'm not jealous, but will it make me jealous? I get turned on thinking of him being turned on, but that's hypothetical.

Thank you for any input.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm not attracted to women

If I were you, this would be the answer I'd tell myself and my partner. And it would be OK.
posted by French Fry at 7:35 AM on March 14 [14 favorites]


1) It is surprising what you can get into when you're seeing your partner get turned on. I don't want to go into gory detail, but trust me, seeing the person you love have a good time goes a long way to making sure you have one.

2) Craigslist or OkCupid would be good places to look. Swingers' clubs are popping up everywhere these days it seems, might be a good place to get your feet wet without necessarily having to jump in the water. I'd also suggest meeting up for coffee or a drink--a date, almost, really--before you get down to business. Making sure all three of you are comfortable with each other will help make sure you have a great time together.

Now, as to everything else:

First, shelve this idea for a couple-few months. Talk about it from time to time, but mostly leave it in the back of your head percolating away. This will give you both time to examine how you feel about it.

Second, you two need to have a super-frank talk about what activities are on the table, and which are verboten, and which are "let's see how we feel at the time." Don't make the mistake of under-demanding your comfort by saying let's see when you really mean no. Example: how do you feel about him kissing her? Cuddling? Having a threesome is part of your sex life, which means you get to set whatever bright-line boundaries you need in order to feel comfortable and happy.

Third, a trap door. You both need a way to signal to each other if you're not feeling comfortable, similar to the concept of a safe word. I've used my partner grabbing my wrist (not something any of my partners would be particularly likely to do during sex because Reasons) as a nonverbal "please check in with me now" cue. Whatever your signal is, it doesn't necessarily have to mean STOP ALL THE THINGS; just a check-in, or maybe a little signal that "hey, I'm here too."

Fourth, she needs to leave shortly after. Unless you're playing with someone you know well, sleepovers are usually a bad idea. One of the best ways to have a successful couple+third threesome is to make sure the couple has lots of alone snuggly time afterwards.

Fifth, you're looking for someone who will be totally open and frank about their sexuality and desires, respectful of your boundaries, and understanding if it's not working then it can stop with no hard feelings. That last is something you and your partner need to make sure you're both on the same page about.

Sixth, a couple of drinks or tokes beforehand will help you get in the right frame of mind.

Threesomes can be a lot of fun. However, I see one red flag (and on preview so does French Fry): you're not attracted to women. This doesn't, however, make things impossible. At the end of the day, if your eyes are closed, you don't know if it's a man or a woman going down on you. So that, probably, isn't likely to be an issue. When you and your partner are outlining boundaries, be sure to be clear about what you are and aren't comfortable doing with the lady in question, and communicate that to her. In my experience, most straight guys who want a threesome with two girls want two things:

1) Being worshipped by two women

2) Watching two hot women go to town on each other.

It seems to me like the first shouldn't be a problem. The second is less likely to be easy, so again, be sure to be open and honest about what you're comfortable with.

Also, obviously, you're going to be sleeping with (probably) a stranger. Safe sex needed--buy condoms.

Have fun! The real key to a working threesome is total honesty on all sides about your expectations, needs, and limits. Be sure that you and your partner are 100% on the same page about those things before you even start looking for someone to play with.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:46 AM on March 14 [8 favorites]


PLEASE do not go on Ok Cupid and message bi/pansexual women unless their profile specifically states that this is the sort of thing they're looking for. I can't say I speak for all of us, but just speaking for myself: I have zero interest in helping you fulfill this fantasy.

There's a lot more hetero couples trying to make this extremely male-centric fantasy come true than there are available, unattached, DTF pan women out there, and we're very very sick of being hounded.
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:52 AM on March 14 [63 favorites]


It doesn't sound like you're very into making this idea a reality, and it's fine to keep it at the fantasy level. It is fine to say no. Are you ready to involve other people with all their quirks and foibles in your sex life? If so, there's a whole world out there ready to explore! And if not, that's perfectly okay.

If you were to make this happen, you both would need to find a woman who's interested in becoming a temporary sex toy for a couple. Because face it, you guys probably aren't interested in courting a single woman for reasons other than sleeping with her. And that's fine, but a lone woman who is into the idea of sleeping with a couple is referred to as a "unicorn". That's because they're very, very rare, and because there are countless other couples in the same situation trying to find one too. And they're all getting a deluge of messages on OkCupid from people of every walk of life, couples included. Don't be a creep in your search.

Moreover, a fun threesome involving two straight women is definitely possible, but it's probably going to be more fun for one party than all three. The general rule for threesomes, especially for newbies who aren't confident in what to do next, is that two partners should focus on the third. Think of the different variations and positions; are you willing to please her while he is having sex with her? Are you okay with the idea of her pleasing you while he has sex with you? Are you going to be okay when he gets carried away and ignores you, even if you've talked about what to do and how to behave? How will you react?

What about watching porn together? Finding a webcam playmate for the both of you to chat with? Sleeping with another couple seeking the same thing is far easier, but then you'll need to address whether you're all right having sex with a man who is not your partner. Swinging, swapping, threesomes and moresomes are all on the same spectrum.
posted by theraflu at 7:53 AM on March 14


Hire a pro. Don't cruise your friends.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:56 AM on March 14 [21 favorites]


Sorry, about the OkCupid thing, I meant to say:

1) Obviously only message women who explicitly say this is the sort of thing they're into.

2) Create a profile yourselves that says what you are looking for, and wait for responses.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:58 AM on March 14 [3 favorites]


Oh and the advice about hiring a pro. I see this advice a lot for threesomes, and for me it doesn't actually seem like a good idea. Yes, you're acting out a fantasy, but it's a fantasy you're both into. And for me, I'd rather act out a fantasy with someone who is 100% into that fantasy, not being paid to act like she is. YMMV.

Don't ask your friends, in general. I've had threesomes with friends, but we were either really young (teenagers), or all queer, which makes for occasionally different friendship dynamics than you find in pretty vanilla hetero circles.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:06 AM on March 14


Given the difficulty of finding single women interested in participating in this fantasy, it seems like one solution would be to find a couple that shares it and swap out - but of course, both you and your partner would have to be okay with you venturing "outside" to play the other couple's third. Not a scenario everyone would be comfortable with, but it's something to consider.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 8:09 AM on March 14


i agree with the advice of going with a professional. as a pansexual woman in a hetero marriage, were we to want a playmate, i'd probably go the pro route unless the exact right person fell in our laps.
posted by nadawi at 8:13 AM on March 14 [1 favorite]


Be very very careful about who you pick to be the third. I honestly would say hire a professional, this comes from the POV of someone who watched a close family members relationship fall apart because what she thought was a fun occasional three ways with an acquaintance turned into her husband wanting the other woman and leaving her. Professionals aren't looking for love or a partner and won't get hurt if halfway through you go hope stop no more and will leave when it's over with no awkwardness.

I'd also suggest getting a hotel room for any adventures you might have so keeping the home bedroom a you and him only space.

Set what limits you need, there is nothing wrong with having limits. Things to think about, does he get to have sex with her, or just watch the 2 of you making have sex with you etc.

Also be 100% sure he actually wants the fantasy fulfilled. Most fantasies are fun because they are just fantasies. Could you say find a compromise and watch some "gay" porn (or the male fantasy version of gay anyway) with him while you do various fun things with or for him etc. Build up to it slowly to be certain it's something you both want. There are a lot of distance between I like to daydream about a three way to actually having one, and as having sex with another woman isn't that hot an idea for you, maybe you can find one of those points along the way that is hot for both of you, or at least have some fun trying.
posted by wwax at 8:40 AM on March 14 [9 favorites]


Look, for a lot of guys, just KNOWING that the threesome fantasy is cool with you, and that you think it's hot, is enough. You don't actually have to go through with it. Just let him spin out the scenario aloud, or watch some porn together.

I think you both may be underestimating the potential negative ramifications of adding a third person to your tableau. You two have a good groove going...add in another person, and you are going to change the dynamic. Esp. if you two are more toward the vanilla-side of the spectrum. You'll be jumping in some deeeeeeeeeep water there....
posted by nacho fries at 9:29 AM on March 14 [5 favorites]


"We are around 40 years old and divorced survivors of cheating spouses."

Will this some back to haunt the either or both of you? You are essentially doing to each other what was done to each of you. The only difference is that you are sanctioning it. If the two of you are ready for it, then continue. If there is any doubt (for any reason) stop.
posted by Leenie at 9:34 AM on March 14 [4 favorites]


You are essentially doing to each other what was done to each of you.

Not even close. Cheating is betraying an agreement you've made with your romantic partner(s). An xsome is a shared event between romantic partner(s).
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:37 AM on March 14 [16 favorites]


"And for me, I'd rather act out a fantasy with someone who is 100% into that fantasy, not being paid to act like she is."
Then the OP is going to kiss a lot of frogs. The point about a pro, not a camgirl, not a dancer, not someone who's "curious", is that she's not going to have to be cajoled into anything--she's there to be 100% and you don't have to see her at book club the next week.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:49 AM on March 14 [4 favorites]


I also think that going with a pro would be your wisest and most efficient approach, if you decide to go for it. Finding a suitable volunteer unicorn could take FORever; and it would help to have at least one experienced person in the mix who can keep a cool head if things go sideways emotionally or physically.

I guess I'm concerned that you made a point in your Ask to mention that you are a "survivor" of infidelity. This threesome just sounds like it has the potential to be sooo triggering in the moment. But psyches are weird -- maybe it would end up being healing and cathartic.
posted by nacho fries at 10:22 AM on March 14


[A couple comments removed; don't get into arguments with each other in Ask Metafilter threads.]
posted by cortex at 10:26 AM on March 14 [1 favorite]


My general thoughts on this:
1) From the POV of a hetero-cis-guy, I find all the OK Cupid "couple looking for a third" profiles to be pretty creepy. My guess is that it's even more so for women, who get bombarded with sexual propositions a lot more than I do. If anything, I think FetLife would be a better venue for that, but my experience on FL is pretty limited so I don't really know there. I've also heard success stories from posting for a third on Craigslist
2) Per the recommendations above about hiring a pro, I've read stories on sex blogs written by those pros about those scenarios going poorly and causing strife between the couple. So take that advice with a grain of salt. The flip side to the advice of "a pro is not there to break up your marriage" is that someone you know and care about also probably cares about you and really wants what is best for you, not just a paycheck
3) Think about asking your friends this question. I'm sure you know which friends are your freaky friends and which ones are not. Mention it to the freaky ones and see what they say/recommend. One of them might be up for it. Do NOT make a ham-fisted attempt to seduce them if they are not explicitly on board. This happened to my gf once (before we were together) and it soured her on that friendship
4) Talk it over with your SO a lot before actually embarking on anything. It can be sexy, like dirty talk. From you, things like "What would you like to see me do with her? Do that to me" and "Tell me what you would do to her. Do that to me"
5) Some of it should be non-sexy talk, around boundaries and comfort levels and safe words/signals. Are you ok if he receives oral from her? Gives her oral? PIV sex? Anal sex? What would you be willing to do? Would you be ok with a couple swap? How would you feel watching him with another woman? How would he feel watching you with another man?
6) My ultimate suggestion is to start small and ramp it up. This allows you the ability to put the brakes on at any time. Start with the dirty talk. Maybe watch some porn together. Visit a sex club/dungeon in your area, just to watch. If things are going well, you might find some play partners, where you make out with another woman while both men watch, before going off with your respective partners for some serious hot-n-heavy. If you are up for a swap, you could certainly escalate to that also. You may also get lucky and find a single woman at one of these events. It would certainly increase your network of people to ask. Alternatively, there are lots of places where it is a lot easier to put the brakes on

I commend you for being so willing to indulge your partner, and for being turned on by his excitedness. Good luck!
posted by I am the Walrus at 10:53 AM on March 14 [1 favorite]


You might consider going on a vacation together where sex clubs/prostitution are legal (Toronto has several sex clubs for example, and prostitution is legal - with some aspects of the business in flux due to recent court cases). If you do use a prostitute, an independent woman not using an agency is more likely to have choose the profession rather than being trafficked or forced.
posted by saucysault at 11:07 AM on March 14 [1 favorite]


I agree with the advice that you should hire a professional. I also agree that you should plan a vacation, and do it on vacation. You want the third person to be disposable, meaning that you want someone who will NOT be involved in your husband's life after the sexual encounter.

A professional on vacation will give you exactly what you want, and once it is done - it is over. There is no discussion of, let's do that again next week. For the first time, you want to be able to have distance afterwards.

There are several places around the world where this can be legally and safely arranged. And, you and your husband can hand pick the physical characteristics of the other woman. Outside Vegas, Toronto, Amsterdam, Bangkok are all cities where you can do this.
posted by Flood at 11:13 AM on March 14 [8 favorites]


Oh my lord, I strongly disagree with the folks telling you to hire a professional. Put up a Craigslist ad and get coffee with the folks who respond and to whom you are attracted! Treat it like meeting a new friend and go from there. And: you will be better able to sort out your feelings on whether or not to do this thing when you are sitting across a table from someone who is willing to do it with you. Baby steps.

THERE ARE people out there who are educated, interesting, not-creepy, and sexually adventurous. It can be difficult to find them, but it is so worth it when you do!
posted by sevensnowflakes at 4:37 PM on March 14 [1 favorite]


There are so many related adventures that are more realistic and might feel similarly exciting. I agree with the advice above that you look at where the opportunities for public sex are in your local community. You could also travel to some weekend sex event if there's nothing particularly inspiring right around you. Sex just with each other but with others watching might be exciting enough, and it's awesome anyway (sex is for sharing!).

Especially if you're not attracted to women, I, um, don't think trying to find one to have sex with you will go as you imagine. Bi women tend to perceive this (a straight woman looking to procure a threesome for her man) as essentially a walking punchline because
1) it's so freaking common that most of us have been cluelessly approached about it more times than we can count, and
2) as shouldn't have to be pointed out, it's insulting ("I'm not attracted to you, but would you mind just having sex with me anyway so my man can watch?" Really???).
posted by kalapierson at 9:55 PM on March 14 [3 favorites]


Brief story - before I met husband, I dated a guy who lived for the fantasy of a threesome or foursome. He initally found a couple for us to have an encounter with. I had no preconceptions and was open to it. The guy in this couple launched into a big speech about himself and his fantasies and his needs, then went on an on about how beautiful and wonderful his woman was. My boyfriend was wowed by her and needed no convincing. She was clearly a bit reluctant, so there were the two of them, reassuring her, complimenting her, and taking care of her. I was totally ignored.

My boyfriend found himself unable to perform with her, though he wanted to. Meanwhile the guy in the couple was eagerly doing his thing with me, but he finished quickly and never made eye contact or touched me in any way but what was necessary to accomplish the act. Then he leaned over and kissed his girlfriend, again making much of her and shutting me out completely. I don't think either of them spoke two words to me the whole night. And then they kicked us out!

It soured me on group sex - which is a shame, because I had been looking forward to trying something new. I still wonder what my life might have turned out like if this had been a better experience.

Agreeing with sevensnowflakes here. Find someone nice and treat her beautifully. She's a person with feelings. Don't be a dick to your unicorn.
posted by cartoonella at 7:42 AM on March 15 [2 favorites]


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