March 10, 2014 2:37 PM Subscribe
I almost dated someone but complicated circumstances left us with no choice but to remain friends. Despite this, she still flirts with me continuously. How do I deal with that? A slight snowstorm inside.
posted by sapien to Human Relations (24 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I am a young gay woman and open with others about my sexuality.
A fair few months ago I met a lovely girl while working on a project. We immediately hit it off due to mutual interests and became fast friends. This project took months of work and we essentially spent every moment of our days together. We even went on a team building camping trip together. Stronger feelings for each other quickly developed and we weren't very shy about it. She was openly flirty so my friends and colleges were quick to pick up on this new change in our friendship.
I asked this girl out in person and she said yes but my anxiety made me question whether she actually understood that I meant as more than friends. It was never really mentioned again but about a month later I asked her out again via email. Again, she said yes but it didn't amount to anything. Our flirting got a little more serious and I was beginning to think that something would happen soon but yet again, nothing. I even met her parents and a few members of her extended family during this time. I was introduced as a "very good friend."
Finally I had had enough and I flat out asked her if she was interested in dating me at all. She said absolutely yes but she wasn't feeling great about it because she hasn't come out to many people and felt like it was a big step. Despite being disappointed, I understood that it would be a huge life step for her and it wouldn't be okay to force her into doing anything drastic. She propositioned me with the idea of dating in a year or so when she felt better about her situation. As lovely as she is and as much as I still have feelings for her, I said that that plan wouldn't be a great idea. I was convinced that she would lose interest in me over that space of time.
It's been a couple of months since that honest conversation and we see less of each other now that our project has ended. Whenever we do see each other though, she is still very flirty. My friends have noticed this and they are convinced that she is still interested in me. I must admit that I agree with them. She will deliberately seek me out on campus at least four times on a weekly basis; standing outside of my classrooms and tutor groups just to see me even if her own class is three floors up. Another example would be when we very recently attended an event related to our old project. She sat next to me in the lecture theatre with her body pressed against my own, her lips millimeters from my ear. In classes we do share, she will sit and stare at me like a lovesick tween when she thinks I'm not looking.
Her recent behaviour has been distracting and upsetting for me. I still have feelings for her, and must admit that I'm very flattered, but I worry about upsetting her and pushing her too far. The flirting is further fueling the feelings I have for her and I'm finding it hard to accept that we probably won't end up dating after all of this. Her flirting is distracting me from my current project that I can't afford to mess up. I've tried deflecting her flirting but I again worry about being rude to her.
I understand that when people have feelings for another person, they can't help those feelings and can become a slave to their emotions. I want to cut her some slack but it's getting harder as she continues with her behaviour. I must also admit that if she were to turn around and change her mind, finally deciding that she was ready to date me now, I wouldn't turn her down. We both want to be with each other but the circumstances are difficult.
My questions are these -
1. Should I man up and politely confront her about her feelings?
2. How can I train myself to become less aware of her constant flirting?
3. Would it be wise to offer to wait for her when she is ready?