Insecurity over partner's ex-boyfriend who dumped her
March 6, 2014 4:03 AM Subscribe
I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and we are really in love. A few months into the relationship I discovered some diaries etc of her, which I know I should never have read, but did. I discovered how obsessed she was for years about an ex that dumped her and who she idealised, and now I really need some help to get out of this rut of insecurity and jealousy which I have created for myself.
posted by lichen to Human Relations (32 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
She had previously hinted that she was very cut up about an ex, but later came to realise, with the help of friends, that they weren't really suited to each other. It sounded a bit unconvincing. In reading these diary entries from a few years back, I discovered just how obsessed she was with this guy she went out with for only 3-4 months, and who then rejected her in some way. She was extremely depressed about it and every time they met up after this for the next two years she was sent into depression. She idealised this guy for years(!) after they stopped dating, and even though she dated other people she still idealised him.
I've brought it up with her and admitted reading these, apologised profusely, and been forgiven. She assured me this was all ancient history. However, I still feel terrible about what I read.
I've tried analysing my thoughts to see why I feel so uneasy about this. I think it's the intensity of feelings she had for this person - a person who dumped her! - for years after the relationship had ended. Even though she was seeing other people, she still obsessed over this person. It makes me feel like he must have been amazing, and that makes me feel very insecure. Does she compare me to him? If he came back, would she leave me?
I've never felt insecure before in my life. This has totally transformed me, and I really need help to get these self-destructive thoughts out of my head.
Any advice and realistic perspective would be really useful - especially from girls who have been in a similar situation - i.e. have been dumped by someone, idealised them after it, and then moved on.