I don't know what I want, but it shouldn't be this hard
March 3, 2014 3:40 PM Subscribe
Dating this new guy is crazymaking. I can't figure out if there's genuine interest, if I'm being strung along, or if it's my own anxiety tying me up in knots. Please help!
posted by cucumber patch to Human Relations (25 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
We met about a month ago and clicked immediately. Since then we've hung out maybe 2-3 times a week and messaged in between. We became physically intimate pretty early and I was the first one to bring up keeping it casual -- until I realised that wasn't going to work for me and I asked if we could dial it back and see each other outside of each other's bedrooms, to which he agreed. I had a fantastic week with him last week, and then on Sunday something in my brain just flipped and my anxiety levels went through the roof.
We had a bit of talk yesterday and it was like a repeat of one of our earlier conversations: he's previously mentioned that he's not specifically looking for anything, that he's never had a serious relationship before, but he wants to take things slow and see where it goes. He really enjoys spending time with me, but it takes him a while to get comfortable with people and he doesn't want to jump into anything considering we've only just met. I totally get that. It takes a while for me to get to know people too. At this point I'm just torn because a) to me that reads as if he's not that enthusiastic about me and is not really open to the idea of having a relationship in general, and b) that would be a dealbreaker for me, except that even *I* don't know if I want a relationship at this stage. In all my previous relationships the guy was the pursuer and we tended to head into things full throttle (with not great results), so I never had to think much about it. I am really not used to this kind of uncertainty and the 'kick back and see how this goes' approach is messing with my head. My therapist says given my relationship history, this could be something good and more healthy for me, but it seems like I'm not handling it well at all, if it's giving me this much anxiety.
So I'm pretty confused right now. I know it's only one month in. I suspect part of it is that I have a long history of ticking boxes (scholarships, degrees, jobs, etc) and it feels like relationships should come just as easily. I also like to cut my losses early as soon as it becomes clear that things aren't going to end the way I want. What I do know is that I want someone to share my life with, in an exclusive way (and we have agreed that we're not dating other people), and that I really like this guy so far, and I feel like the interest is mutual. But the fact that he doesn't want to be 'tied down' strikes me as kind of yellow-flaggy.
Lovely MeFites, am I overthinking it - do I just need to keep my anxiety in check, or is this only going to be heartbreak down the road? Possibly relevant: I'm F, we're both early-mid 20s.