Depressed teenager?

October 19, 2005 4:41 PM

Advice for a depressed teenager with completely unsympathetic and uncooperative parents?

My best friend just called me close to tears because her younger sister (Beth), a senior in high school, has been writing her long, scary e-mails about how she's depressed, suicidal, plagued with violent fantasies. She's become apathetic and her grade are slipping. It's not just teenage melodrama - her situation is truly nightmarish.

Beth lives alone with her parents in a one-bedroom apartment. She has absolutely no privacy - she sleeps on the couch, and her parents regularly rifle through her stuff. Her parents are Turkish immigrants so there might be something cultural at work here, but whatever the case, they're completely unreasonable and horrible to Beth - my friend thinks they simply just don't like her. Beth doesn't have many friends and I think she has a tendency to be depressed anyway, but combined with the home situation my friend is honestly afraid she might snap.

We've been brainstorming solutions but nothing seems plausible. Her parents don't have health insurance so therapy is out, but they probably wouldn't let her see a therapist anyway. My friend was hoping Beth could move in with her and finish out her senior year across the country, but she doesn't turn 18 until June and my friend honestly thinks that her parents might take legal action against her (my friend) - even though they don't like Beth, they want her living at home. Beth also is relying on them to pay for college, her only chance of escape, so she can't upset them too terribly or they'll cut her off completely. My friend called her parents to ask them to ease up on Beth but they just became furious, hung up on her, and grounded Beth from the computer so she can't even do her schoolwork now.

My friend is thinking of moving back in with her family until her sister graduates from high school, to be a friend to Beth and a buffer between Beth and her parents, but that would be awful for my friend and we're trying to think of other options. I felt sure there must be some resources for depressed minors with horrible home lives that aren't quite abusive, but I've mostly found resources for parents dealing with troubled teenagers. Does anybody have any ideas? I truly want to help - I can't imagine how awful it must be.

posted by granted to human relations (21 comments total)

I know I hated them growing up, but perhaps if she talked to the school's guidance counselor? The thing is it just really sounds like she could use some therapy- someone to talk to, at the very least- but if real therapy is out, a guidance counselor is still, well, an option.

Does she have friends at school? How about adults that she trusts- maybe parents of said friends. She needs to know that she isn't alone, and I think the best way would be through someone she trusts letting her know.
posted by hopeless romantique at 4:48 PM on October 19, 2005

Counseling (or any professional help) may seem far away without insurance, however she might find help from her school. Coming from a family of teachers and counselors, I really believe that she will be able to find an advocate there.

Perhaps even you and your best friend, if you are in school or college, can seek resources there.
posted by snsranch at 4:59 PM on October 19, 2005

Your friend needs to get her sister out of there, pronto. Though you won't come out and say it, it certainly sounds like Beth is in an abusive situation, specifically if her parents can't or won't get her treatment for her depression. Frankly, I wouldn't worry too much about the parents bringing suit because they're living in a one-bedroom apartment and lawyers cost money. Also related to the money issue, having Beth hang on in hopes her parents will pay for college is a gigantic mistake, in my opinion. It's not worth the tradeoff of Beth putting up with a living situation that could literally drive her to suicide. Beth should pay her own way or get loans or get a job instead of putting up with that living arrangement.
posted by MegoSteve at 5:05 PM on October 19, 2005

My parents weren't anywhere near this absuive to me when I was clinically depressed at that age, but they still weren't exactly exemplars of sympathy (and showed absolutely zero interest in getting me any mental health care). What helped me through the immediate rough patch was to have a couple of trusted teachers at school who demonstrated that they had my back: they were aware that I was depressed and needed counseling but had no means of getting it, so they got me into the school psychiatrist's office. They also allowed me to talk about the stuff that was going on in my life -- boyfriend, sex, fears of going to college -- without any of the judgment or frosty disapproval that I felt coming from my parents whenever those topics came up. I do not exaggerate when I say that a small group of my English and history teachers may very well have saved my life that year.

Also, what about community counseling resources? Many local mental health centers have counseling available on a sliding scale. I don't know if there would be any restrictions on her ability to get help there since she's a minor, but it might be worth a try.
posted by scody at 5:13 PM on October 19, 2005

If her parents really do fight Beth leaving their home, is emancipation a possibility? (Make sure you check the laws locally where Beth lives.)
posted by amro at 5:15 PM on October 19, 2005

On preview, I agree with the idea that the relationship with the parents is highly abrasive and I really doubt that talk of the parents paying for college is anything more than a control tactic. (Imagine how devestated she will be, after sticking it out for so long, when she finds out that her parents were full of crap regarding paying for college.)

Also, to agree with MegoSteve and amro, she should get out soon. I only say that because you were pretty concise in your description of the matter. She is not being served here and could probably take better care of herself on her own.
posted by snsranch at 5:30 PM on October 19, 2005

I had a similar situation - low income, single mom, who had too many of her own issues to concern herself with mine. Zero privacy and some depression, though specifically caused by my situation and not really intrinsic to my personality.

Here is what happened: Toward the end of my Junior year in high school, my sister called me from across the country (Syracuse, I was in the Seattle area). I was offered a place to stay, privacy, and money to support myself - a set amount per month for food, clothing, expenses. My uncle was helping to fund me, and paid for my sister to get a two-bedroom apartment. I was offered a plane ticket. Just after that school year ended, I went to Syracuse, had a couple of months to adjust and finish a few incompletes, and went straight in to high school. We explained my home situation, and they took me on as an orphan so that they could school me despite the fact that my mom lived nowhere nearby.

My mom didn't fight it, she didn't have the energy to. We had a horrible relationship for a couple of years (but no worse than it had been!), and slowly, now 7 years later, we've developed a good relationship. Definitely not parent-daughter, but it's now positive rather than negetive.

My mom did find out about my plans ahead of time, at which she called the cops on me. I was assisted by the high school police officer. All she needed to hear was that I felt unsafe at home / threatened by my parents. This is the magic phrase, and they will put you in a CRC, child relocation center. When I got out they had to deliver me back to my mom, but a few days later my ticketed time had come, I took a bus out early in the morning to my high school, had a few friends drive me to the airport and see me off, and that was that.

Am I glad I made this decision? Yes, it is one of the best decisions I've made in my life, and confirms that you can achieve anything that you commit to. This makes it a potentially outlook-changing event for your friend's little sister.

If your friend has the financial warewithal and can provide her little sister with the privacy, yet some guidance, that she needs, I'd say go for it. Once Beth is out of there there are all kinds of community resources she can take advantage of. A huge plus for her is this: if her grades are OK from high school (I had approximately a 3.3 GPA) and if she can do well on her SATs, she could potentially get a free ride at college. I went to GWU with approx 10k in loans per year - the rest was free to me. Though technically she does not satisfy the "independent student" requirements for getting lots more assistance from the gov, her institution can use its professional judgment to override this decision.

Also, if my mom had any money, she might not have funded me through college, but probably would have given me some money in retrospect. But everyone's different.

Have Beth or her little sister contact me if they want any more information, advice, or referrals (I can always contact my undergrad institution and advocate for her, for example).
posted by lorrer at 5:35 PM on October 19, 2005

Beth's situation is somewhat similar to my own as a teen: teenage girl prone to depression having to deal with immigrant parents who don't understand and in a tight financial situation. What finally helped was being so distraught that I worked up the courage to talk to the school counselor. If they're worth their degree, they have a list of sliding scale psychiatrists who could prescribe an anti-depressant. It sounds like Beth needs to be able to think clearly to deal with her abusive parents, so she needs medication so she can make rational decisions.

Also, though college is a huge deal for children of immigrants, there's no way her parents are the only financial option. Unless she's placing going to some Ivy League above her mental and emotional health, she can get by at a small state or city college and a part-time job. She could go to community college for the first 2 years and work her ass off, and transfer to a more prestigious school. What's frustrating is that the government doesn't recognize emancipation as grounds for financial aid. If she became a "ward of the state" she could get financial aid, or some schools would grant her independent status if she could prove long-term abuse/enstrangement. But her best bet would be to keep her grades up so she could get enough scholarships to fund her education (which is what I did).

I know it must be terrifying for a depressed girl to contemplate leaving her home, but she won't be free of their abuse for years if she stays. Also, I don't think her parents would take legal action against one of their own kids, though if they wanted to, they probably couldn't afford it.

I'm getting the impression of these parents as being horribly intimidating, but if she stands up to them, she'll probably be able to leave.
posted by lychee at 5:35 PM on October 19, 2005

I feel prompted to ask for a reality check here.

How do we know it's "not just teenage melodrama"?

What's so very terrible about living in a one-room apartment and having your parents go through your stuff?

Plenty of people have it a lot worse than that, and yes, you definitely are projecting your cultural expectations onto someone else's family. There are cultures in which not going through your daughter's stuff every once in a while is considered neglect.

You say the parents are "completely unreasonable and horrible" and they "don't like her", but you don't give any examples. Indeed, those phrases sound as if they come from a teenage girl, not an adult.

I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm not saying we shouldn't help her. I'm just saying, some bells are going off.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 5:37 PM on October 19, 2005

All thoughts of therapy, funding of therapy, paying for college etc should be for the future - the present really requires getting her out of the situation she is in. Sort than now, consider everything else trivial in the face of it.
posted by fire&wings at 5:38 PM on October 19, 2005

This is what legal emancipation was made for. Paying for college is really not that difficult in the U.S., and the money simply isn't worth it. She could go to a community college and transfer later. It's really, really, not worth it for the money (which, from the sounds of it, has a low probability of actually materializing).
posted by phrontist at 5:41 PM on October 19, 2005

PS I get pretty peeved when people threaten their kids with being cut off. It's not nearly as hard for this girl to live on her own as it is to live with her parents - she just doesn't have the experience to know this yet!

If she's considering ending her life, why should she worry about money?
posted by lorrer at 5:41 PM on October 19, 2005

Not to invalidate your question, but I agree with what AmbroseChapel said. Unless there's more to the story, what's posted doesn't sound that unreasonable or nightmarish.

The girl needs therapy obviously. Have you asked the parents about it or do you just assume they'd oppose it?

Consider some things before swooping in to rescue her: What if her depression isn't related to the parents - how will your friend deal with parenting a suicidal, unmotivated teenager with violent thoughts? Is your friend going to have different rules from her parents, and how will she get the kid to obey them? And does your friend have more space than a 1 bedroom (if that's an issue)?

Moreover is your friend willing to create a giant familial rift by undermining her parents' parenting and taking on the responsibility for this kid? With only a few more months before she could be on her own anyway? And on the off chance that the kid freaks out on your friend as well, what will happen to this child when she has no one left in the family to turn to?

Are you 100% sure there is no chance that this is teenage melodrama? 17 is not an adult yet, and frequently they need more rules and fewer privileges than they like and vent, even attempting suicide (if depressed). Depression makes people desperate. It doesn't necessarily mean the parents are monsters or your friend will be able to fix things.

Just some things to think about.
posted by Marnie at 7:15 PM on October 19, 2005

she needs to move out asap. also, in my (admittedly limited, subjective, etc.) school councilors were sugary-sympathetic but ultimately totally useless.
posted by ori at 7:30 PM on October 19, 2005

It's been said before but it should be, in my opinion, reiterated: this child has access to counselling resources through her school and she needs to use them. There is at least a possibility there, if the situation needs to advance to some sort of legal or medical intervention, for it to be carried out by someone with the training and connections to do so. She can also receive direct counselling in that context, and she shouldn't need her parents' consent (and, unless her condition warrants emergency intervention, she should be able to prevent communication of her actions to her parents unless she wants to bring them into it). If some kind of negotiation about moving her to a better living environment is necessary the school might be able to play the role of a neutral mediator. I suspect part of the problem is the parents feeling that their older daughter is disrespectfully judging their parenting, and this is probably amplified by cultural issues - there is a culture gap on top of the generation gap in this situation. Most importantly, if the child's situation deteriorates to where she is in danger, the school counselling services will have the legal obligation and authority to intervene for her safety.
posted by nanojath at 7:37 PM on October 19, 2005

I know that teenagers combined with emotionally charged situations rarely result in rational behavior, but you said your friend's sister's grades were suffering, but yet she wanted the parents to pay for college. Seems to me that good grades would be an avenue to improve the ability to escape. Also, having a plan can make impossible situations seem bearable. June is only 8 months away. She's lived with her parents for 208 months now, tough it out a bit longer, and she'll be on her own. Every passed test, every homework complete, every good grade is another step towards freedom (ok that last was more a view into me and how I channel negative energy into postive outcomes ... but you get the idea).
posted by forforf at 8:29 PM on October 19, 2005

So far, you've heard one side of the story.

Why does this matter? Beth's side of the story is that she's suicidal and depressed. Answer: get her out of there, right?

Well, maybe not. Although Beth is unhappy, she's 17 and completely dependent on her parents for food, shelter, all the necessities. Beth's parents may not be ideal, but they are taking an interest, reacting to what they learn about her, and taking actions they believe to be correct.

The next step for someone who wants to intervene here has to be to get the parents out of the picture entirely, because they're not interested in anyone's intervention. (This is unfortunate, but it is in fact their legal right.)

Let's read that again. The next step for someone who wants to help Beth is to entirely sever all of Beth's connections with her main source of financial, social and emotional support for the last 17 years.

You'd better have a damn good idea that you have something better to replace that support with if you plan to take this kind of drastic action, or else what you have is a depressed, suicidal Beth who is also hungry, homeless, broke, without her customary social supports, and without prospects. This is not an improvement.

For what it's worth, nothing you've described is even remotely unlawful, nor would Child Protective Services involve themselves in this type of case.
posted by ikkyu2 at 9:31 PM on October 19, 2005

As a parent, though not an immigrant, I have to say that I would be pretty likely to be going through my child's things if I noticed she was suddenly depressed. It could be drugs, it could be a breakup, it could be a chemical problem which needs therapeutic help. I'd search through her stuff, I wouldn't ask for permission, and I'd feel fine doing so. I'd also talk to her, and try to get her some help, but we don't know if Beth's parents are doing that, do we? All we know is what one obviously depressed child is reporting.

Don't forget, the one-room apartment is stressful for both the parents and the child. Perhaps that might be where the feeling that "they just don't like her" is coming from. Or possibly the child is being manipulative.

In my opinion, with nothing more than second-hand, one-sided information, any talk about "rescue" is extremely premature. Advising her to lie, claiming fear of harm from her parents in order to game the system and force the hand of CPS is simply wrong. I'm guessing/extrapolating here, but neither you nor your best friend sound mature nor experienced enough with the world to take on the huge challenge of dealing with a depressed, possibly suicidal, possibly borderline-personality teenager. Let her parents do the job they have every legal and moral right to do and butt out, except to be a friend and/or an older sister.
posted by Invoke at 11:16 PM on October 19, 2005

Hey, if she's 17 and her parents are going through her stuff, that's pretty much it. She needs to go. She should at minimum start planning her transition from the house to college WITHOUT parental support. She doesn't have any now, she shouldn't expect any in the future.
posted by ewkpates at 7:00 AM on October 20, 2005

I'm amazed at the vehement reaction of many posters to her parents going through her stuff. It is their right, and arguably their obligation to do so if they are concerned about her recently plummeting grades. It makes me wonder how many people here actually have any experience with situations like this other than their own possibly recent experience of leaving the nest.

Try to take a look at the situation from point of view or a responsible parent, consider for a moment that Beth's parents may not in fact be nasty abusers, and your reaction may change.
posted by Invoke at 9:14 AM on October 20, 2005

Let's read that again. The next step for someone who wants to help Beth is to entirely sever all of Beth's connections with her main source of financial, social and emotional support for the last 17 years.

You'd better have a damn good idea that you have something better to replace that support with if you plan to take this kind of drastic action, or else what you have is a depressed, suicidal Beth who is also hungry, homeless, broke, without her customary social supports, and without prospects. This is not an improvement.

I'd like to second ikkyu2's point here. I was in a situation during my junior/senior year of high school that felt similarly intolerable—emotionally abusive father, friends who were willing to take me in (provided I moved across the state to live with them), no sense of privacy, depression, being kept at home and not allowed to visit friends, reliance upon my parents for college money...and I chose to stick it out.

I weighed the options like so: On one hand, I could stand up for my human rights at home and create more chaos for myself, ruin my chances of being financially independent for the next 10 years, and sour relationships in my family and with friends. On the other hand, I could just stick it out, try to find solace and support in writing, books, and friends, and—in just a little over a year and a half—get out of the house mostly for good, with college paid for. I chose the latter path.

Sure, I had a lot of issues to work through once I finally got to college—it's taken me the last few years to figure out where I stand with my family, what I want from them and myself, and how to manage my depression. My depression got worse before it got better, and I failed or got incompletes in several college courses my sophomore year. But my depression has gotten better, as has my relationship with my parents, and my own self-awareness and self-knowledge has deepened accordingly. Not everyone can pull themselves out of depression like I have—some people truly do need outside, professional help.

But completely severing ties with one's [admittedly tenuous] support network is probably not, when one weighs all the considerations, the best solution.
posted by limeonaire at 12:38 PM on October 20, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]