Plus a lot of other things, and I am having so much trouble dealing with this. I feel sick. This is long.
posted by anawesomeguy to Human Relations (46 answers total)
This is possibly a 7 year issue, as we have been together for almost that long. I want to preface this by saying that I have always made it clear that I don't want to be with a person that is into anything other than normal sex within a normal relationship. So please, no advice from sexually liberal people that it was in the past so it doesn't matter. This matters to me.
There is a whole lot of content to this, and I'm really looking for advice and help; and maybe suggestions on which things my girlfriend is lying about considering the parts she has lied about and hidden before, and the things she has done.
When my girlfriend and I started dating, 7 years ago, she made a few casual comments like, "Do you like strippers? I used to be a stripper..."
To me, I should have left then. Because I'm really against the idea of strippers, and strip clubs, and men paying for that. I said, "No, no. I hate that sort of stuff. I don't want to know about it."
Once we were sitting on the couch at her place, "Do you like porn? I have some..." I said, no, no, I hate that stuff I don't want anything to do with it. And then she said, "Me too, my husband always watched it, its disgusting."
Once she was lying in bed and said, "Do you like threesomes? I've had a threesome..." I said the same thing again, I don't like that sort of thing, I don't want to know anything about it. And she said, "oh me too. My ex boyfriend that used to beat me up made me have one with him once, and i tried, and I didnt want to, so he beat me up after it."
Not long before we started dating, her and her (now-ex) husband had gone to Hawaii (to try to save their marriage). She said while they were there, he went to a strip club (she was 35 at the time with 3 kids) and made her go with her. She said he also asked a prostitute if she would have a threesome with them. Which she says they didn't. She says because he was like this, a pig, and into all that, that they seperated. But even now after all these years - I can't help byut think, that if they had been married for 10 years - why would they go to a strip club together, or he would ask to see a prostitute, if it wasn't normal to them??
So a few months into our relationship - we were driving to the beach; and she said that when she was a stripper, she saw at the same place that her sister was working there as a prostitute and she said, "I wonder what happened to her to make her do that?" Then she said her sister and her husband do like partner swapping and stuff, and had sex with different people on the night before there wedding. I said, I don't want to know anything about that kind of stuff.
She also used to work for a guy - he was paying her a lot of money; and I found once that some of the emails he sent her, he called her by a different name. ANd one of the emails he said something about paying her the $4000. And I later found a letter she had typed him, signed by this fake name basically saying, "You can have a night with me, and we'll do whatever you want." She later said - she had told him she didnt like her real name, so he called her this other name; and the letter she wrote him was a joke; because she had been upset at work and it was just a joke.
Not long after - she arrived to pick me up from work; she arrived wearing a jacket and only underneath it underwear. She flashed her jacket open at me in public, and said, "This is what I'm really like, you need to know the truth about me."
Not long afterwards - she had a talk to me. When she was a teenager she was brutally raped. She said as a result she hated herself. So she became a prostitute. I hate the idea of prostitution. I hate the ideas of women having sex with men for money. I would never want to be with someone that had sex with random men for money.
I thought, 'Okay. This woman was brutally violently raped.' Even though I what makes people good is that when bad things happen, they dont do bad things. But I thought. To have something like that happen to her. I can't hold this against her. So as she cried, I told her. It's okay. I still love you.
I had always assumed when she said she was a stripper; that she was just trying to work up to telling me that she had been a prostitute.
I was wrong about that.
A few years ago, I was going through some photos on her hard drive, and I found this folder. It had a lot of things.
* I found photos of her stripping for some man
* Photos her ex husband had taken of her kissing some woman and touching each others breasts
* Photos of her and a friend of hers (taken while she was together with me) that had them posing with each other on the bed in their underwear, touching each other
* Photos of a friends breasts and nipples she had taken
* And photos of her friend and this woman I later found out to be a stripper, at a place I later found out to be a brothel
* A facebook discussion between her and another friend - where basically she said an old client from the local brothel had seen her there, and had said he was going to tell me she was still working there.
Throughout our whole relationship she had always had these mental breakdowns where she had accused me of cheating on her, and she woudl tell me to leave, and go crazy, then apologise and say she was sorry...
In light of the things I found, I was so angry...
I confronted her about them. She denied EVERYTHING. Refused to talk to me. Got angry at me. I'd say - what's this? She said, "Nothing." "I dont remember," "I dont know."
Eventually these are the things she told me.
- She originally worked as a prostitute
- When she was married to her first husband; she became a stripper because it was good money - the reason they seperated was because he found out
- She later got a job as a receptionist at a brothel
- When she was married to her second husband, she used to work as a bartender at a strip club, and her husband would go with her to watch
- Also, her second husband used to smoke marijuana at home with their three kids there; and I guess she didn't care about it...
What she said about the things I found...
- The photos I found of her stripping for some man - she said her ex husband made her strip for a friend of his, and I guess he took photos
- The photos I found of her friend and her in their underwear - they had both had the same abusive ex boyfriend years ago; and they wanted to take the photos to send to him to make him see they were happy with their lives now? wtf
- Her husband had made her kiss this woman - suspiciously; this woman was on her facebook block list - was this for her to hide something?
- The photos of her and her friend and a stripper at a brothel - she had been hired to do a photography job there ( she was doing wedding photography stuff for work) - and they used a stripper that her friend knew for the photos - and somehow I guess her friend thought it would be a good idea to go along and take photos in underwear at a brothel together...
- Apparently a client of hers from when she was a prostitute - AT A DIFFERENT BROTHEL IN A DIFFERENT CITY - saw her LEAVING this brothel where she had only done a photography job - and had told her he was going to tell me she was still working there
- This obviously wasn't true because no one had contacted me...
- SHe later told me this guy had been stalking her at our place for the last 5 years (it was news to me...)
- And that him, or another ex client, im not sure - Met her husband at work, and they became friends, and when he came home to their place one day - he recognised her... I dont even know
- She didnt think there was anything wrong with taking this photography job at the brothel - and thought it was completely normal she was at a brothel, taking photos of her friend and a stripper together...
The problem I am having is that - she always goes on about how she hates cheaters, how much she loves me, etc, etc, etc - How disgusting men that look at porn are, how disgusting men that go to strip clubs are..I can't help but wonder if the reason she tries so hard is because she doesn't want me to know what she is really like -
I let go the fact she had been a prostitute because she was violently raped. But then she worked as a stripper while she was married. Worked at these places again and again. Did photography at one while she was with me - and thought there was nothing wrong with it. So I feel like she is lying to me about who she is.
Also, when we first met - she said she was working for a private detective company as 'the bait' as such. She would meet married men that were cheating, befriend them, go to a hotel room with them - then make an excuse she had to go; and the photographer would get a photo of them leaving.
But I can't stop thinking that that doesnt sound right - Cheating men wouldnt just cheat with a random woman? Wouldnt the agency try and catch them in the act with the woman they were cheating with? Why were these guys giving her expensive gifts like ipods if she was just the bait to lure them in?
Is it possible she was even still working as an escort or something when I first met her?
We've been together 7 years (with a bit of a break about a year ago); and she has three kids that I love, and that I love; and we have three cats that I love. And I cant talk to her about this stuff because I either dont want to know - or she wont tell me the truth anyway. But because there are so many contradictions. It never goes away. Sometimes I feel okay. Then it comes back.
Is she lying about things?
For example - I asked her that when she told me her sister was a prostitute; was she really? Or was she just trying to see how I would react? She said her sister wasnt actually a prostitute. So I asked - does that mean she was talking about her self as well when she said her sister and husband had sex with other people? She said no - that was true.
But why would one turn out to be a lie? And one turn out to be true?
There is just so much here. She keeps doing this sort of thing again and again. She asked if I liked threesomes - I said no - she said, "oh, me too..." Did she actually use to do them with her husband? How recently was she actually working as a prostitute?
I just feel sick and don't know what to do.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry for the delay in closing, but this is sort of a big mess, and the aspects you say you want help with -- determining which things the GF is lying about -- cannot be determined by Ask Me readers. If you'd like to rework this into a question the site might be able to offer useful, more practical help with, please contact us, and we can assist. -- taz