Great expectations? Maybe.
February 18, 2014 7:49 PM Subscribe
Single. Male. 30. Only child. Hetero. I don't feel the need to get married and/or my expectations of my ideal future spouse are keeping me that way? Too smart and objective for my own good? Normal or am I destined to be forever alone?
posted by rippersid to Human Relations (26 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
That and/or might be key since I don't really know.
I am an only child and I came to the US (originally from India) for my schooling at the impressionable age of 18. Beyond a couple years outside the country, I call both the US and India home.
The only relationship I ever had was when I fell for my then best friend (female) when both she and I moved here to the states. That lasted me for a total of 8 years on and off but things didn't end well (involved her getting engaged to a friend of mine, calling that engagement off, and finally getting married to someone else). That ended in 2010. We did talk about getting married but that obviously didn't work out.
My parents did try to set me up (arranged marriage kinda deal) but that didn't work because she had bipolar disorder, and I realized that it was not something I was ready to put up with. Given that experience I decided I had had enough and put everything else on hold as I got back into school.
I didn't date either in undergrad or grad school (2010-2012,MBA) though I did have a crush on a girl during my MBA.
Now given my experiences of
1) having lived in the US
2) past relationship and
3) my own changing belief system
I am just not into the whole arranged marriage thing (even tho my parents were set up that way). I am, according to indian standards, and even the median US age for marriage, past the ideal age.
Most of my friends are married or in committed relationships (both my american and indian friends). Yet I don't feel that need or urge. I've checked out and am on a few dating sites (match, okcupid etc) but feel like that is a lot of work. I haven't gone out on any dates from either of those sources but then again I tell myself that I won't find anyone that I'd like. On the other hand, I feel like the longer I wait to get into any sort of relationship, the more picky I am getting about what I want in my spouse.
Am I being rational or should I lower my expectations of who'd say yes to me? I have no religious or race requirements ( in my parents words "we'd be happy with who ever keeps you happy"), though I am slightly more inclined towards white and indian women (in that order). But I have ton of other requirements of she being smarter than me, being liberal, having a STEM masters or higher degree, being non religious etc etc. Most of this has come about from me learning how to think, make better decisions and just being objective about what is generally the most important decision in one's life. (I blame the recent craze for books on psychology of judgement and decision making - thank you Mr Kahneman and Mr. Ariely!)
Oh - I get along better with my female friends than I do with my male friends and the closest friends I've always had were girls. I feel like I am generally much more open and comfortable with them than I am with my guy friends. My inner circle of friends during my MBA were 3 married women. Sometimes that makes me question my own sexuality.
Tell me I am not cuckoo. Or tell me that I need to get my head checked and lower my expectations or be forever alone. Do I just not want to get married ?
Sorry if this is long and convoluted :(