February 4, 2014 9:57 AM Subscribe
How to tell if this a friendship is over - snowflakey wall of text inside
posted by Trexsock to Human Relations (16 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
This friend is one I've had since school - when we were 14 and upwards. Through our post-school lives, she's moved to various places and our contact sort of dropped off as it's likely to do when you live on the opposite ends of the country to each other.
A few years ago, she moved to Japan for 2 years to be on the JET program. Before she went, she stayed with me and my partner at the time and it didn't go as she expected it to (long story short: I was working full-time and she sprung the visit on me a few days before when I'd already made plans for a BBQ that weekend. I was tired because of work and no longer into staying up super late, so things were very strained).
Prior to that she'd stayed at a student house I lived in with two other people - messy and gross and mouldy as student houses are wont to be - and again she'd not had a good time (didn't mesh with her over-cleanliness and germ phobias and over a month of constant contact got strained).
Fast forward to her time in Japan. We reconnected somewhere near to the end of 2012 and communicated somewhat regularly through 2013, when she was due to come back home from her trip. Things were going well; we'd both explained the issues we'd had, she was aware that I was going through a really bad patch with depression and an awful job and a big breakup and things looked okay again.
I now have a fiancee who I live with, and am due to marry in April. So this friend came up to stay last September. Worth mentioning that my fiancee suffers a great deal with anxiety, and the friend (due to issues with her gran being in hospital and going through her last days) couldn't give us concrete details about when she would be leaving. Things got strained again. She likes to go for walks, I do not. I also had my fiancee's feelings to take into account (I wasn't willing to put her through the extreme stress and anxiety for any longer than she had to).
I think the friend had wildly different expectations of what it would be like to stay with us re: staying up late, going out to places while unemployed and having no money, spending time staying up talking to just her while my fiancee is anxious and alone upstairs. She had an outburst of shouting at one point, telling me that I didn't care about her, but it seemed to be okay afterwards.
Another issue was that we had recently got a kitten who was somewhat ill with worms, and the treatments we'd given him weren't working. We couldn't afford to take him to the vet until we had money, and after she left she sent me a long, condescending email about cat care that really rubbed me the wrong way. I spoke to her on the phone once after that, and then finally got round to emailing her at the end of November to catch up, and ask after her gran and give her an update on kitten. She's not replied since.
Do I take this as a message that the friendship is done with? She's in a very different place in her life - think travelling and living with parents still, wanting to go on long walks and loving the outdoors and whatnot, whereas I'm a homebody about to get married who hates leaving the house when it's cold. I very much get the feeling she wishes it was like it was when we were teenagers and going to gigs and festivals all the time, but it just cannot be like that any more. I don't see how extended visits would be able to work, with me and my fiancee on a very strict budget and it not really being convenient to host her for any length of time.
It's been about two/three months since my email and neither of us has got in contact again. One of my dogs was put to sleep last night, and I feel like I should get in touch to let her know. Do I give her a ring and risk her ire down the phone? Send her another email that will probably get ignored? Or do I just write this whole thing off?