Promiscuity should not be the answer.
January 28, 2014 7:49 PM Subscribe
I grew up in an implicitly sex-negative environment. More recently, I was raped. I had next to no sexual experience at the time and barely understood what was going on while it was happening. I had very little interest in sex in the months after that, but suddenly, I am now extremely preoccupied with the idea of sleeping with other 50 to 60-year old, educated white males.
posted by gemutlichkeit to Human Relations (26 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
For as long as I can remember, I have had negative or apathetic views towards sex. My parents never educated me about sex as a child and preferred to pretend that it did not exist as a whole (they went so far as to discourage me and my siblings from attending sex ed classes in school). At the same time, it was somehow indirectly communicated to me that sex was something that only corrupt people engaged in. As a child who was generally obedient and eager to please, I developed into a teenager who not only had very little interest in sex, but who practically felt a twinge of moral superiority for having said lack of interest. I found an awesome boyfriend who was also relatively conservative about sex and relationships and was perfectly fine with a relationship that had little physical contact; we're still happily together today. During college, my views on sex became more liberal, but I still ended up graduating with basically no sexual experience beyond the assault.
It bothers me a great deal that I was assaulted before I had a chance to get a sense of myself as a sexual being. These days, whenever I have any sexual thoughts, I have a very hard time identifying whether they are a reaction to the assault or if they are merely a result of my natural sexual maturation. Most upsettingly, I can't stop thinking about sleeping with men who coincidentally (or perhaps not so much?) share my rapist's demographic. I'm not by any standard an impulsive or reckless person, and yet on some days, I am this close to acting on it.
I know that my boyfriend, who I love and care about very much, would be crushed if I slept with anybody else, and part of me doesn't even actually want to. But the preoccupation and the desire (or what my brain is interpreting as desire) is there. What if I am just naturally attracted to older white men, or want to explore sexually at this point in my life, and this has nothing to do with the assault? What if I snap and end up acting on these thoughts? How can I deal with these thoughts? I am intensely ashamed for even having them in the first place. Please help.