Dealing With Emotional Hookup Aftermath
January 28, 2014 5:13 PM Subscribe
Hooked up with someone. Caught feelings. Didn't go how I wanted. Don’t know how to deal with aftermath.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
This past weekend I (female 29) met a friend of my friends named Jane (female 23) who lives in another state. I had heard of her already, seen pictures of her on social media, knew she was pretty darn cute, and had a very minor crush from a distance on her. I was excited to finally meet her, and definitely had the intention of at least flirting with her.
The night proceeds and our little group goes out to a bar. More alcohol happens, we separate from the group for a bit and I’m flirting with her. Eventually our friends start looking for us, but neither of us seems in a rush to find them so I figure she doesn’t hate that she’s with me and she’s not trying to get out of the situation. We crash at our friends house, I share the mattress pad on the floor with her. We’re talking in the dark for a while, and I go in for the kiss. Our other friend was passed out on the couch next to us and Jane expressed that she didn’t like that, so I stopped the action and was about to go to sleep. Then she re-initiated with me. This happened a couple times, where she would push me away laughing, but then re-initiate. It wasn’t too hectic, clothes stayed on but it was more than just making out. Then afterwords we’re talking again and I feel like she finally opens up and I’m talking to the real her. It’s at that point I suddenly realize that I definitely like her. Whoops.
The next morning it’s not overly awkward, but we both act like nothing happened. Unexperienced in what to do, I figure that I’d take a step back and be friendly but not come on too strongly...see how she acts. We all hung out all day (in a group situation unfortunately, as this was a big pow-wow with Jane coming for a visit.) Throughout the day I try to talk to her here and there, and she does talk to me a little but seems rather distant. Later that night the group goes out again with about 20 more additional friends. I make some tentative tries to connect with Jane but she seems to be blowing me off. Later on I see her kissing both members of a couple, whom she’s known for years. I don’t know what their history is. Upset, I make my exit. Run into her briefly the next day as I'm leaving and she's returning from who knows where. She barely makes eye contact and practically runs past me, I say good morning and that I'm leaving and she just says it was nice to meet me, and I feel like crap.
Anyway…now I’m left with these distraught emotions. I suppose I caught feelings in a major way, and I’m helpless about it now. I don’t have her number. In a small way of reaching out to her I added her on Instagram (she has a private account) and she let me follow her but did not follow me in return. This particularly hurts as it seems that she doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I absolutely hate that I have no contact with her now, no communication. Part of me wants to get her number and reach out, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not. I could wait to see her again, but that could be a month, months, or never. She lives 1000 miles away, which is both a blessing and hell. I feel bad I didn't get to in some way communicate that it meant more than just a one night thing to me.
I’m also struggling with feelings of insecurity over whether or not she was even into me at all or was just going with the flow, even though there were multiple points we could have stopped and she restarted it.
I now know I can’t do these hookup things. I bond too quickly. Lesson learned. I feel like I totally went about this the wrong way, and it’s really upsetting me. This is the first time I've literally ever initiated with someone (I've always been the one being kissed) and I feel high and dry, and left with a lot of heavy feelings.
Is time the only thing that’s gonna get me through this? Is reaching out going to make things worse? Do I need to just leave it be and chalk it up to a life lesson?