long distance break-up - what's a heartbroken girl to do?
January 27, 2014 10:37 PM Subscribe
my long distance boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. we talked again this past weekend and i want to know if we still have a chance. i live in the us and he lives in europe.
we met 5 years ago traveling and reunited/started dating last year.
i traveled to europe and met his family this past december. the 2 of us spent almost every second together for the entire month after not seeing each other for almost a year. i think those extreme circumstances partly led to the breakup. i think he also realized how much work would be involved in the future if i were to move there (he is not able to move due to his job and english is not the primary language spoken there).
he told me he wanted to break up because he didn't love me. i'm confused because i just traveled halfway around the world to meet his family and he sat me down to plan our next year just a few days before i left.
i have put 100% into this relationship - this past year, i took basic language classes on top of a full-time work and school schedule. after the fact, i told him he should consider our extreme circumstances and the fact that i was trying to adjust to a new culture during my time in his country. when we had our break up talk, he had mentioned it was fun when we reunited last year but things changed. i explained that we were carefree then because we were on vacation and traveling. i admitted that i did act more formal this time because i was meeting his family for the first time and i wanted them to like me (his parents are very traditional). i also told him i loved very him and i told him, that for a long time now, i had been willing to move there.
he says i should try to stop loving him and he wants us to talk again in a couple months.
we met 5 years ago traveling and reunited/started dating last year.
i traveled to europe and met his family this past december. the 2 of us spent almost every second together for the entire month after not seeing each other for almost a year. i think those extreme circumstances partly led to the breakup. i think he also realized how much work would be involved in the future if i were to move there (he is not able to move due to his job and english is not the primary language spoken there).
he told me he wanted to break up because he didn't love me. i'm confused because i just traveled halfway around the world to meet his family and he sat me down to plan our next year just a few days before i left.
i have put 100% into this relationship - this past year, i took basic language classes on top of a full-time work and school schedule. after the fact, i told him he should consider our extreme circumstances and the fact that i was trying to adjust to a new culture during my time in his country. when we had our break up talk, he had mentioned it was fun when we reunited last year but things changed. i explained that we were carefree then because we were on vacation and traveling. i admitted that i did act more formal this time because i was meeting his family for the first time and i wanted them to like me (his parents are very traditional). i also told him i loved very him and i told him, that for a long time now, i had been willing to move there.
he says i should try to stop loving him and he wants us to talk again in a couple months.
This post was deleted for the following reason: I'm sorry you're going through this but it's not entirely clear to me what the exact question is here? Feel free to try again next week, if so please try to be more specific about the concrete question you want to answer. -- goodnewsfortheinsane
Listen to the honest and frank statements he made to you.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 11:22 PM on January 27, 2014
posted by StrikeTheViol at 11:22 PM on January 27, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
So I'm going to ask: does he want to talk in a couple of months, because you asked when the two of you should talk again? If so, he said "a couple of months" because he figures you'll be over him by then.
And I'm going to ask: did he tell you that he stopped loving you because you were "more formal", or is that something you decided must be the reason why he stopped loving you, because it's the one thing you did differently?
Here's what I'm reading, solely from what you've said: He enjoyed spending time with you at first, but as the two of you spent more time together, he realized he couldn't see a future with you, even though you could see a future with him. He either didn't want to ruin your vacation by breaking up with you at the end of it, or wasn't sure how he felt and thought the year's-planning exercise would help him visualize a future with you. Either way, he's decided that he does not want a future with you, and he has said this quite clearly, and now hopes you will move on.
Meanwhile, I see you assuming that, because you two hit it off so well, that your mutual desire to be together couldn't possibly have changed unless you did something wrong/didn't try hard enough, and so now you're trying to convince him you'll change and earn love credit for how far you traveled and how hard you worked. Which is totally short-changing yourself, because you didn't do anything wrong: he's just broken it off because he doesn't see a future for you, which is what happens sometimes when people get to know each other better.
Were I in your position, I wouldn't worry about contacting him in a few months. I'd go ahead and write him off and move on.
posted by davejay at 11:16 PM on January 27, 2014