I want to ask my boyfriend if he'd like to move in together for mostly practical reasons, but I'm not sure if I should ask or be patient. Lots of snowflake details inside.
- I'm 25, he's 28.
- I'm in school still (3.5 more years) and he is working full-time.
- We've been together for ~1.5 years.
- Neither of us has lived with a significant other before. For me this is because my relationships were < 2 years long, and for him it is because his long term relationships were also long-distance for long stretches.
- We currently both live in houses with 2(+) roommates. He is more extroverted has very few complaints about his living situation (most of which stem from the house being old and crappy) whereas I have progressively become less and less happy with my living situation (problems I've addressed with my roommates haven't been resolved, commute to school is long, can't have pets, etc.).
- He lives 15 minutes away by car--except that he doesn't have a car. He commutes to work by public transit, which is easy from his current place. I would say 90% of the time I drive to his place and spend the night there, 5% of the time I drive to his place to pick him up and we spend the night at my place, and 5% of the time he borrows his roommate's car to spend the night at my place.
- He has made plans to purchase a vehicle, but this keeps getting moved back due to financial constraints (he's got a lot of student loan debt, and so do I). I feel bad nagging him about the car situation since he has told me in the past that the only reason he needs
a car is to visit me, and everything else he wants/needs to do he can accomplish via public transit, cab, or borrowing his roommate's car.
- We spend about 3 nights a week together (usually Friday-Saturday and 1 week day). Both of us would like more time together, although I am probably more vocal about this than he is. I would say the main reason we don't spend more time together during the week is because I'm usually busy studying for exams on weeknights*, so driving over to his house to ignore him while I study doesn't make much sense to either of us.
- *Because 75% of my weekends are spent hanging out with him and occasionally working, I've had to adjust my study habits so that I get more studying done during the week. This is probably a beneficial change, because I'm a bit of a procrastinator by nature. However, there are times when I've got 2 exams in 1 week, and so I have to spend a significant part of my weekend studying. During these times we've tried the whole "be together doing separate things" thing (me studying, him playing videogames/watching football/working) which I like a lot. It gives me a chance to spend time with him (taking breaks, making meals, bedtime) while still being able to accomplish some necessary studying. He's pretty resistant to it, because generally this happens at my house (his place is waaaaay too distracting with his roommates) and he says my house isn't fun. :(
- We get along really well for long stretches of time and far and away enjoy each other's company over anyone else's. I love him, and can easily picture myself with him in 5, 10, 20 years. Marriage is not super high on either of our priority lists right now, but we've discussed weddings in an abstract sort of way (such as, "when I get married I want a small ceremony and a mariachi band!" "OMG me too!"), he's told me he doesn't want to get married before he's 30 and I've told him I don't want to get married before I finish school. Great.
Sorry that was long-winded. Here are the practical reasons as I see them for moving in together:
- I don't have to drive over to his place anymore. This is huge because I really only drive to his house, the grocery store, and my job (which happens about 3x/month) and instead take the bus to school. I hate
driving and parking in the city we live in, especially
with the polar vortex cold and snowy road conditions.
- He doesn't need
to get a car anymore.
- Save money on rent. This is debatable, because if we'd move in together I'd definitely want to get a 2 bedroom and use the extra bedroom as a retreat that either of us could use for necessary quiet/alone time.
- We'll have more time together. Things includes actively doing things together (making dinner, watching movies, playing video games, chatting before bed) and doing separate activities in the same room. Obviously we'd balance this increase in couple time with an increase in planning different activities solo or with our respective friend groups so we both feel like our needs are being met.
- I could move somewhere closer to school/my new job at school. This becomes more important next year as I'll have more weekend and late night on-call shifts at the hospital. I could also find a place that is pet-friendly, which would be wonderful
because we both really love my dog who isn't allowed at my current place (he lives with Grandma/Grandpa).
- I've previously lived with 1-3 roommates, in a dorm with no roommate, and in an apartment alone. There are things I liked and disliked about each, but I found that living completely alone was pretty isolating and difficult for me. I'm not sure how different it would be if I tried living alone now that I'm a) in a super rigorous professional school program b) have a boyfriend and c) have a dog.
I've asked him previously if moving in together before marriage is something he would want to do--he was receptive, but we've never discussed a timeline for that. There's part of me that wonders if maybe I should just suck it up and be patient since it seems like he's pretty happy with the way things are, whereas I'm the one who is not. I've also wondered if it's too early in the relationship to be considering this sort of decision, or if I'm too young; I realize all relationships are different, and what works for some doesn't work for all. Should I ask him if he wants to make plans to move in together in 5-8 months? If he says no, what do I do? I've read this question
and I am wondering if I should be patient, or.. I don't even know! I would love to get some outside perspective on this.