I need to cut a woman out of my life, but I don't want to cut her out of my life. What's my next move? A polar vortex of cold fun facts follows...
posted by st starseed to Human Relations (57 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
At the company Christmas party in December 2012, I met in person a woman with whom I had only previously had email contact, as we worked in different offices. Our chemistry was flowing at 'hello,' and four hours later, we were sitting in her car singing and talking because neither of us truly wanted the evening to end. Next up was a facebook friend request (she initiated it), followed by random facebook messages (also initiated by her)...and mere months later, I had a work friend with whom I was exchanging upwards of 150 messages every day. The relative slowness of our jobs allowed for constant communication, and we soon began getting into each other's personal lives; I gave her (requested) advice on her dating life; she helped me in my search for new employment. We were, basically, close colleagues who happened to communicate via text message instead of at the water cooler or in passing in the hallways.
As I gather these things sometimes do...things escalated. She sent me a photo of her trying on her bridesmaid's dress for the wedding that September; photos of various outfits along with selfies followed. I found a new job that allowed us to continue our workday sharing of jokes, stories, recipies, songs, etc. We played a game of Would You Rather, opening the door to a lot of frank discussion about preferred sexual positions and places, how many people she has slept with (eight), and so forth. We met for dinner, drinks, and dancing. We went to a concert. Dinner, drinks, and dancing again. The dancing was risque, to put it mildly. I caved and downloaded Snapchat for further photo sharing. We message constantly. Everything above was spread throughout 2013.
It's important to note that, with the exception of the three times we have gone out together, we never have contact on weekends or evenings. Our relationship started as a 9-5 work relationship, and it has mostly stayed that way.
On some level, I love what we have built. Her messages make me happy. Her photos make me happy. Her sense of humor is amazing. She has expanded my musical tastes, and she's a ball to drink and dance with. She's beautiful, from her hair down to her shoes. I wouldn't go so far as to say I love her, but she's a light in my life.
And...I need to cut her out. You may have figured out where this is going (and I really buried the lede): I'm married.
I can lie to myself and tell myself this is just a friendship. It's not. When she got excited about a guy she met in August, I was jealous. I was upset. I was mildly happy when things didn't work out. I'm completely irrational...I've been known to glance down at my phone for absolutely no reason just to see if she has sent me a message. My job is not hard, so messaging her doesn't really take away from my work, though on some level it does. If I send her photos, I have to delete them from my phone because I'm paranoid my wife will go through my phone and ask why I took them.
Furthermore, though I can say many positive things about her, she is not an angel. I've caught her in white lies. She is lazy, overly narcisstic, lacks ambition, still lives with her parents (at age 30; I'm 33, since I bring up ages), and is terrible at relationships with men she wants to date. Even though she's beautiful, she's one of those women who tell you she's not. Despite the fact that we can talk for hours, our shared interests are minimal; she doesn't care a lick about sports, and she doesn't read. I couldn't even imagine introducing her to my friends; she is not the kind of person I have ever really associated with, much less been friends with, in my life.
I mean - brutal honesty here - I think, deep down, I just want to have sex with her.
[Some words on my marriage, because they obviously play into this situation: My marriage is happy. It's not fulfilling, but it's happy. What I mean by that is that we have a house, we have an amazing 2-year old son, we have a great circle of friends, we have a 13-year history to draw on, we have trust (I know, haha); frankly, anyone looking in from outside would think our marriage is excellent. In a sense, it is, but what this woman above has done is touch on the things that I don't get from my wife: the ability to let loose, go dancing, drink until we're silly...basically, she lets be the person that the Saturday Night part of me wants to be. My wife is not physically attractive, our sex life has never been good, and I'm almost to the point where we don't even have fun together. Trust me: We have worked on all these things. We've communicated these issues to death. We try new things, we utilize babysitters, we got a hotel room for our most recent anniversary. But I still feel like it's lacking a lot of the life that I really want it to have. This isn't a new development; it's just become more clear as I have aged and our relationship has pleateued.]
This 'relationship' aside, I've never cheated on my wife - even with all the things above, this woman and I have never kissed; we've barely even hugged. But what we do feels wrong, and I don't think anyone reading this would necessarily disagree. I've never broken up with anyone, much less anyone I really don't want to break up with. But frankly, this will end, and it's just going to get harder to end as we continue growing the relationship. So, what do I do?
I feel like I'm just scratching the surface...there's more information I can share in messages, if that would help you answer. Judgment-free answers would be greatly appreciated.