Appropriate response to unwanted gay advances.

October 16, 2005 1:20 AM

What is a respectful, succinct response to being hit on by someone who prefers your gender, when you "don't swing that way?"

So I was at this dive ass (jive ass?) bar in the burbs that I frequent, as it is within walking distance. I'm saddled up the bar, enjoying myself, and this older gentleman, starts talking to me. Picture a shoebox with bar stools and crappy tv's strewn about the joint. Somehow he initiated the situation, and I was there alone, so I shot the shit. I like to think I'm not bad looking per se, I'm a blond hair blue eyed d00d looking for a night cap, listening to my head phones drinking some beers. I suppose, as a caveat, when I used to bartend down in A-town, I was hit on rather regularly... None the less, I not only prefer women, but insist! I'm not uncomfortable with the scenario, but resisting the comments only invited more biting comments. It must be a common theme among men, as it's a tactic I've used with women, not biting, but being "playful." I realize what's fair is fair, but this guy didn't get the idea... "I can see why you wouldn't have many friends around here.... are you sure your not a woman? ... you're very complicated, are you sure, blah blah." I'm a very respectful, polite person, and I could care less about his "business."

So. Is there something I can say that would not be offensive, but drive the point home enough, that I'm clearly not gay, and a litany of questions and comments is unappreciated? Code word "I'm not teh ghey," I'm flattered, but if I wasn't gay 2 minutes ago, surely I won't be 5 minutes from now. All perspectives (shy of ignorant, snarky ones) are appreciated. I tried searching google, forgive me if this answered already, delete away, if necessary.

posted by AllesKlar to society & culture (31 comments total)

"Are you into guys? I'm not."
posted by dydecker at 1:27 AM on October 16, 2005

I always go with "I'm not gay." And smile.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 1:32 AM on October 16, 2005

I'd say focus less on "I don't like guys" and more on "I don't like YOU." Most guys will pick up on relatively subtle clues, but there are always some who are really persistent to the point of being pushy and you have to just be blunt with them. An exhausted, "Dude, I'm just here for a drink" followed by a cold stare should do the trick.
posted by cali at 1:40 AM on October 16, 2005

"I'm already in a relationship" is non-gender/non-sexuality specific and pretty final, and worked nicely for me for the couple of years that I DJ'd in a gay club...
posted by benzo8 at 1:53 AM on October 16, 2005

"Your attention is flattering, but I'm not gay. Thanks." Worked for me the one time I've been hit on by another guy. But if they keep asking you and they just don't get it, then I'd go for cali's suggestion.
posted by Vidiot at 2:18 AM on October 16, 2005

Sort of analogous to what benzo8 said, but how about a simple "Sorry, I'm not interested." It gets the point across in a direct way without having to go to further detail, sidesteping the gay/straight issue.
posted by Rhomboid at 3:22 AM on October 16, 2005

I'm gay.

I very rarely will flirt with men whose orientation isn't known to me, though I've had some very amusing mistakes. (Seriously, European boys? You really have to be a little more obvious about liking girls).

Anyway.

The best response, from my perspective, is "Hey, thanks for the attention, but I'm not gay" or any of the endless variations on that theme.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:04 AM on October 16, 2005

There is no polite response to such rudeness. Therefore, try out some clever and amusing impolite ones, such as "I only sleep with castrated men".
posted by Goofyy at 6:17 AM on October 16, 2005

It must be a common theme among men, as it's a tactic I've used with women, not biting, but being "playful."

Well, one idea would be to reflect back on what responses you've gotten from women in such situations that made it really clear they were not interested, and select one. (And please believe that I'm not being snarky when I say that I wish all persistently-amorous-in-bars guys who won't take a polite clue could have an experience like this; it's what we in education call a "teachable moment.")
posted by Kat Allison at 6:26 AM on October 16, 2005

"Sorry dude/girl, I'll stick to sucking cock/eating pussy."

Infinitely rearrangable to meet all sexual social situations.
posted by baphomet at 6:34 AM on October 16, 2005

Why do you think you need to turn down a gay man in way that is different than the way you would turn down a straight woman that you aren't attracted to?

I'm not being a smart-ass, what is the significant difference that merits a different response? Am I missing something?
posted by oddman at 7:17 AM on October 16, 2005

What oddman just said. Treat it like any other unwanted advance. Back in the days when I was young and relatively pretty (ohhh, so very, very long ago) gay guys would occasionally hit on me and I just treated it the same way I'd treat an unwanted advance from a woman. That is to say, I'd adjust my response to match the specific situation.

Interpersonal interactions generally vary enough that there's no one catch-all response. Only once was a guy pushy enough that I had to resort to a direct "Sorry mate, I'm not gay". That led to him claiming that given five minutes in the bathroom he could "straighten me out", which led to both of us laughing a lot, me buying him a drink, and getting a new friend. Which was nice. The point is, as I say, don't make a deal of the fact that the unwanted advance is coming from a guy and I think it'll be easier to figure out what the most appropriate response is.
posted by Decani at 7:45 AM on October 16, 2005

I'm not gay but I've been hit on a few times, I've never felt threatened and I've kind of laughed it off with hey, I'm flattered but I don't swing that way or something along those lines. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the orientation issue but I don't know that I care - I didn't intend it as a slur and if it's going to be taken as a slur it's more their problem then mine.
posted by substrate at 7:55 AM on October 16, 2005

Since you asked for "all perspectives," I'll chime in that I think there's absolutely an undeniable difference between being hit on by the opposite sex and being hit on by the same sex. Many, many, many people believe homosexuality to be deviant behavior; and the most credible statistics I've read estimate incidence of homosexuality to be roughly 6% of the population. Despite what MeFites would like to believe in their rainbow-colored world, the two ain't the same.
posted by cribcage at 8:35 AM on October 16, 2005

Cribcage: In my rainbow colored world, being polite transcends sexual orientation.

However, the old guy hitting on anon sounded like the sort of Grade A asshole who gives anyone of his gender and orientation a bad name.

Drunk, bitter queens are hard to get rid of no matter how many ways you tell them to take it somewhere else. AllesKlar sounds like he ran into an idiot, but handled it as well as anyone would have been able to.
posted by sillygit at 8:57 AM on October 16, 2005

"Thanks for the compliment, but I'm straight/gay"

Appreciate the sentiment (that you're attractive) and tag on the reason. It's about as non-offensive as possible.
posted by Kickstart70 at 9:25 AM on October 16, 2005

What you need to do is put the same energy and drive you used in telling all of us in no uncertain terms that you're straight, and direct all of this honesty towards informing the person in question.
posted by Rothko at 10:18 AM on October 16, 2005

what Decani said, what Decani said, what Decani said.

I'm sorry AllesKlar but I really think that there's some bad advice, let me tell you why I think that -- I speak from past experience.

Decani makes sense -- it's no big deal, simply treat it as an unwanted advance -- what if a woman you're not interested in (or a woman you could be interested in but you have already a companion and you don't cheat so it's no thanks) makes a pass at you?

treat a gay guy making a pass you the same way you'd treat a woman who makes an unwanted pass at you. you won't need to be so lame as to spell out "I'm not gay" -- HELLO??? most gay guys have made an unsuccessful pass at 100% straight guys anyway in the past, so they won't be shocked, you won't break their hearts don't worry ("100% straight guys" as opposed to the "less-than-100% straight guys" who apparently enjoy the occasional male-on-male action -- my gay friends taught me that there are so many of them, and more power to them anyway)


(Seriously, European boys? You really have to be a little more obvious about liking girls).

that's an interesting point -- I get hit on by gay men 10 times more in America than I do in Europe, I swear. I'd reverse the question -- why do you guys think we're gay? just because we don't mismatch colors? is it the Jil Sander suit? is that because we kind of know the difference between Eau de Parfum and Eau de Toilette*? what? I'm curious

answer: eau de toilette is lighter, less concentrated
posted by matteo at 10:40 AM on October 16, 2005

Matteo's not gay, he's just one of the girls! :)

Coincidentally, my bf and I were just talking about this situation earlier today, as he just got hit on at the gym by a guy. His response was exactly along the lines of a friendly "thanks for the compliment, but I'm straight." The guy smiled, said "cool," and walked off. No problem.
posted by scody at 10:53 AM on October 16, 2005

I think the difference between turning down a woman that you're not attracted to and turning down a man that doesn't even fit your orientation is that with the man, there's a nice polite way to say no without even bringing him into the issue. With the woman, you have to find a polite way to say 'I'm not interested in *you*', which is tough. With the man, 'I'm not gay' or 'I'm not interested in men' isn't a personal insult to him, just a general statement about men. Seems rather straightforward.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:58 AM on October 16, 2005

I get turned down by a lot of straight women. The best rejections are as follows:

1) Take it as a compliment. Being hit on by anyone means that you are an attractive person. It doesn't mean that you look gay. Please, do not recoil in horror the second you realize that someone is being more than friendly.

2) As stated before, make it clear that you're kind of stuck on one gender. That makes it a lot less personal.

3) The person hitting on you will be embarrassed. The first reaction that usually springs to my mind is some sort of "Well how will you know if you haven't tried?" line. Once it's left my mouth, I usually relaize it's only made things worse. My pride usually keeps me from turning around and just running, never to show my face in that bar again. Please be sympathetic to the other person's humiliation and lapsed gaydar. A smile and a "sorry" is generally the easiest way to handle this.
posted by honeydew at 1:19 PM on October 16, 2005

jacquilynne, I'd disagree. "I'm not gay" is just rude. It's much more polite to let the person know that you're not attracted to him as an individual then to dismiss his whole group. Decani is on the right track. Smile, look them in the eye to let them know you're serious, and say 'Sorry, you're not my type.'
posted by nixerman at 1:20 PM on October 16, 2005

'Sorry, you're not my type.'

...is more polite than "I'm not gay" (or, conversely, "I'm not straight")? You've got to be kidding. "Sorry, you're not my type" implies "yes, I AM gay, but am not attracted to YOU." That's a personal rejection. Saying "I'm not gay" is not a rejection -- it's just a statement of fact regarding sexual orientation.
posted by scody at 1:43 PM on October 16, 2005

Agree with scody.

'Sorry, you're not my type.'

That bears an unfortunate resemblance to the now-dated response, "Yes, I do, but not with you."

I think an indication that your entire gender is not my type has a much less personal connotation.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 3:23 PM on October 16, 2005

I like "I'm just here for a drink" best. Then move to the other end of the bar, if need be, and a nod to the bartender wouldn't hurt. If he's a regular, he might not be for much longer if he's annoying other customers.
posted by dhartung at 4:36 PM on October 16, 2005

We'll just have to disagree, then, nixerman. I believe the personal "insult" of "I don't like you" is much ruder than the general idea of "I just don't do guys."
posted by jacquilynne at 4:49 PM on October 16, 2005

My vote: "Ya got a twin sistah?"*
*assumng he's not into drag
posted by rob511 at 6:47 PM on October 16, 2005

How about "I got so many STDs that for your own personal safety, I'm gotta refuse ya."
posted by five fresh fish at 7:28 PM on October 16, 2005

Oh man, I've been hit on twice and I'm pretty sure I'm not hot, so this must happen all the time.

(I always thought that gay guys were supposed to look effeminate and wear shiny pants, and have well lubricated wrist joints. So why they picked on me as a big guy with a beard, wearing a t-shirt stretched tight across my wombat, hell, I don't know.)

The nicest time was in Sydney, the guy was big and very handsome, and if I was gay I'm sure I'd have been really delighted, as it was I didn't know how to get out of the situation without looking like a rude fuckwad from over the Tasman, so I just sort of sidled off to dance with my workmates.

The other time was in a gay bar - yeah I know, but my girlfriend at the time took me there - I didn't even notice anything was happening until she told me later.

Just shoot the breeze, maybe if you don't want to be too discrete you could mention your girlfriend. I'm sure a guy as persistant as this one sounds is used to being rejected though, so you could just be straight with him, if you get my meaning.
posted by The Monkey at 8:11 PM on October 16, 2005

i used to see this guy regularly around the workplace. he worked for a different company. we would see each other smoking and drinking coffee outside. we got to chatting regularly. this went on for several months. i clearly thought (wished?) he was interested in me. well, i made my move and gave him my card with home phone and said we should together outside the workplace situation. well, the next night i get home and there is a message on my voicemail from his girlfriend stating that 'mike' is hers and i should stay away. it all sorta ended awkwardly. i digress.
posted by brandz at 8:47 PM on October 16, 2005

Brandz:
I apologize for the entire species. If the guy sent his girlfriend to do what should have been his job, then he was an ass and you didn't want him anyway.

The nerve of some people.
I digress.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 8:57 PM on October 16, 2005