dealing with death of a good friend...
January 21, 2014 10:52 PM Subscribe
One of my closest friends committed suicide. I am having a really hard time understanding my feelings about it.
posted by kanata to Human Relations (22 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
My closest friend in the world killed himself last week. He and I met 20 years ago and on the first weekend I visited him he looked me in the eye and said "You know you don't have to die, right? All your friends don't see it or think you are joking but I can see you're wounded and you don't have to die...". After two years of trying to push him away because I was mad he saw my pain we became best friends.
The type of friends that could not see each other for years but still were connected instantly. He was the first person in my life I actually loved besides my father. He helped me realize I could live. I helped him with his abused past. I told him about mine last year. He came and sat in the fog with me and cried. He sent me money to buy chocolate when I was broke and therapy was tough.
We have.... had... always been honest with each other about one of us committing suicide. Both of us believing that it is a right and an valid option for people with screwed up pasts who the medical system couldn't fix (I M med resistant... He as well... Both of us heavy therapy users). Both of us aware that we could lose each other and it would be sad but we would understand because it meant breathing just became too hard.
But we had a deal that we would always at least phone or visit to say goodbye. I had actually done it to him twice but changed my mind in the past... And he didn't do it.
He wasn't mentally ill (I believe there are valid reasons for suicide besides that... Please don't harp on that). I understand why he chose to leave. I don't think suicide is a selfish thing. I have lost people before. Attempted myself.
But I am surprised how angry I feel that he broke our deal. Not that I would have been able to stop him, or even tried or phoned for help. But I am just really really angry that he didn't ask me to come and say goodbye. He left no note. He left nothing. And I don't understand why I am just pissed off he didn't call.
I know our friendship doesn't make sense to people. Or that our views on death are weird to others. I think you have to have been the walking wounded and beyond help with medicine to get it. This is probably scattered. I can't really explain it.
But my main problem is understanding why I am angry he broke our 20 year deal. I am sad that he is no longer in my life. It won't be the same. A piece missing. I am glad that he is no longer suffering. Being wounded that bad is a painful thing. I am fighting it myself every day. I know if it was me who went he would have understood too. I don't think it was selfish. I am grieving in my own way.
But I am so angry and pissed off that he didn't say goodbye and I don't understand why. It is a 20 year vow we always believed in. I feel like he betrayed me and I feel like I am an awful friend for being angry about it. I want to yell at him for doing that. But not for dying. I understand that.
Is anger over such a thing normal? Friends of his are mad he died and I am just mad he broke our vow and will never understand why. I feel isolated in my anger because I actually am glad he is no longer suffering. Sad for myself and the hole he left but angry as hell.
I feel like I can't tell anyone why I am angry and am just faking my agreements with everyone else's anger. Which feels like a betrayal of our friendships. Do I tell them why I am angry? Or will they end up blaming me for not doing more to help?
How do I stop feeling like a bad friend because I am doing the one thing neither of us said we would do. How do I come to terms with feeling like he lied to me all these years?
Is this a normal part of grief? When friends have gone in the past I have never been angry.