January 17, 2014 2:25 PM Subscribe
I've been spending all my time with this awesome girl but she's sending extremely mixed signals and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
So we met about a month ago and we spent an hour talking at a party, and there seemed to be some eye-contact chemistry. I sent her a "let's grab a drink" message and she sorta punted, but then popped back up a couple weeks later wanting to hang out. We met up with a group at a bar but then quickly bailed and just walked and talked until 4AM. Couple days later she invited me out to dance, and we spent the whole night dancing and talking. She went on vacation for a couple weeks and we kept in regular contact. A week ago she came back and we start seeing each other practically every day since, sleeping over in each other's beds a couple times, doing lots of romantic things together, just the two of us. I've also been fairly affectionate with massages and touching, ranging from relatively platonic to extremely sexual (if she was in a relationship there's no way this would be ok). I can also just read her body language/smell on her breath at times that she's very turned on, and she's said as much too.
However, she's also said a couple times she just wants to be friends. She said this the first time after our first sleepover, and I sort of said, we are friends, I don't want to do anything you're not comfortable with, but is what we've been doing making you uncomfortable? And she said no she just didn't want to lead me on. And so things have continued and become more romantic since then, but it seems like even though she enjoys all the romance and affection she's strongly committed to a narrative that we're really just friends.
Potentially relevant background: she's going through a bad breakup (or sort of a couple), and I'm leaving the country in a couple weeks so it's not at all clear when we'd see each other again. My sense is these are the two main factors making her not want to really start anything, but she's not really been able to explain.
I basically feel pretty serious about her and would just like to figure out the right combination of words/actions to try to defuse whatever tensions are in her mind and let us just enjoy the next couple weeks at whatever level of romance/sexuality she's comfortable with, and ideally be ok reaffirming to each other that we have romantic feelings but maybe this isn't the right time, but I'm not quite sure how to do this. When I tried to sort of say to her before that she's sending really mixed signals, she gets very defensive and backed off into actually-friends territory immediately. Then we basically both said sorry, this situation is really confusing, let's just not talk about it, and went back to being romantic.
I'd especially appreciate insight if anyone's been on the other side of something like this before.