I hate having to do this

October 14, 2005 7:21 PM

Dump my girlfriend before or right after her good friend's wedding?

I am in a long distance relationship, and love my girlfriend dearly. However things aren't working out, and I have decided I must end it. Though some disagree with me, I believe the decent thing to do in a serious relationship is to end things in person. The soonest flight I could get to see her falls on the morning of said wedding, which is a couple of weeks away. What are my various options, and what might their consequences be?

*sigh*

posted by anonymous to human relations (45 comments total)

Dump her now so she has time to find someone else to escort her. You show more consideration that way by not showing up in any of the pictures/video.
posted by mischief at 7:28 PM on October 14, 2005

Afterward, you ass. If you do it beforehand, you compound her pain at losing you with the shame of having to attend the wedding alone.

You say you love her dearly...so why is this even a question?
posted by felix betachat at 7:34 PM on October 14, 2005

Do it now, avoid two unnecessary weeks of tricking her into thinking everything's fine.
posted by johngoren at 7:34 PM on October 14, 2005

Break up with her before you leave. While you're there, don't sleep with her and don't behave like her boyfriend. Just be respectful, spend a day or two there, go to the wedding, and then break up with her five or ten hours before you leave (hopefully the next day). I say five or ten hours because you don't want to make it seem like you're breaking up with her and then rushing to the airport. It could take awhile, an hour or two (or three), so give it plenty of space and don't let it be rushed by the fact that you're leaving. But be prepared to go spend some time by yourself and find your own way to the airport. If I were you, I'd spend no more than a day or two there. It's really all about how you behave before you break up with her.

On preview: yeah, mischief is more right.
posted by incessant at 7:35 PM on October 14, 2005

How do you feel about her friend? Doing it now is going to make the couple of weeks before her wedding miserable because her best friend will be going through a very tough time and will need her support. If you have any respect for her friend you should do it after. Chances are your gf will be too heartbroken to get or even want another date anyway.
posted by any major dude at 7:37 PM on October 14, 2005

Call her now and dump her. There's no point in dragging it out. If you dump her right after the wedding it will retroactively poison her memories of the wedding. If you do it now she'll have a couple weeks to recover and won't have to associate her friend's wedding with your cruelty.
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:44 PM on October 14, 2005

Call her now.
posted by BackwardsCity at 7:48 PM on October 14, 2005

Drive now.
posted by user92371 at 7:49 PM on October 14, 2005

Er, I was going to write a big thing on how I was the dumpee and blah blah blah, instead...

Is the soonest flight you can get really a couple of weeks away? Or is that the most convenient for you (ie. already booked off of work, already have the tickets bought).

If you truly love her, you really should dump her in person, and it really should be before the wedding.

On preview, what user92371 said, drive now
posted by curbstop at 7:52 PM on October 14, 2005

Hop on the bus, Gus.
posted by Marnie at 8:00 PM on October 14, 2005

Put me down for "the wedding is irrelevant", unless you're a good friend of the bride too.

Otherwise, nobody's going to care six months from now whether or not you were in the wedding pictures. It's not important that your gf show up escorted.

One time I broke up with someone by saying "I'll be arriving tomorrow." "Why?" "Let's talk then," still trying to delay until doing it person. "Are you breaking up with me?" "Yes," not willing to lie toward this purpose. It didn't go well from there, but as well as could be expected I guess.

As such, I would break up with her now, and not attend the wedding. (I'm torn on whether you should book the ticket anyway; she may not want to see you.) Imagine attending with her if you've already broken up, and she's all weepy, trying to hide it from the bride, if she's too successful then people are hinting that sometime you're going to get married, ugh. Better she have some time to adjust before having to attend a wedding!
posted by Aknaton at 8:01 PM on October 14, 2005

There is always the option of going to the wedding and not breaking up until the next time you see her. There no way I could possibly know exactly the right thing to do but I thought I'd mention the one option I hadn't seen mentioned.
posted by Carbolic at 8:14 PM on October 14, 2005

I can't help but wonder why you waited 2 weeks before this wedding (which is important to her?) to tell her this if you love her "dearly"? Can you provide any more details? Does she even have a clue as to how you may feel? It is hard to give you options as no matter what, it is going to be bad/sad for both of you---and the timing is really awful. At the very least maybe have a heart to heart with her on the phone, in email or whatever if you can't physically get to her before then. Be kind. The consequences no matter what you do will hurt her and she will need time to recover.
posted by clon7 at 8:17 PM on October 14, 2005

I do think breaking up on the morning of the wedding is a bad idea. Weddings tend to contain enough enough unexpected drama without bring in guaranteed drama.
posted by Carbolic at 8:18 PM on October 14, 2005

Information wants to be free, just tell her now so she isn't living a lie.
posted by johngoren at 8:21 PM on October 14, 2005

It would've been useful to know how long you were together. Under a year... phone probably isn't as bad. Over a year.. makes it more painful. It also depends how far away you are. Phone from Australia to Kansas City not as bad as phone from Chicago to Kansas City.
I'd vote for before. Hey, maybe she'll meet someone new at the wedding.
posted by starman at 8:27 PM on October 14, 2005

I'd vote for before. Hey, maybe she'll meet someone new at the wedding.

Ditto.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:35 PM on October 14, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

I tried the whole "wait until after significant event" deal and it was hellish trying to pretend that everything was okay. I say get it done when you can.
posted by synecdoche at 8:43 PM on October 14, 2005

In order of preference:

1) Go there now and tell her in person now.
2) Call now and break up over the phone.
3) Everything else.

I think it's just as rude to pretend like everything's normal when you've already made your decision as it is to cause stress at an event.
posted by trevyn at 10:53 PM on October 14, 2005

I know you asked for advice on breaking up, but I'm just going to throw this out there, from personal experience with a long distance relationship:

Its alot easier to get rid of someone you love when you haven't been near them for a while. Don't make a mistake you'll regret.
posted by mhuckaba at 11:09 PM on October 14, 2005

long distance relationships break up over the phone. It's almost a law of nature. i wouldn't feel too bad doing it over the phone, if i were you. If i were you, i WOULD feel bad about lying like everything's fine and then dumping her in proximity to the wedding.

so give 'er a little ringy-dingy.
posted by shmegegge at 12:09 AM on October 15, 2005

Break up during the wedding! As you take the first dance, and all eyes are on the bride and groom, whisper in her ear: "Aren't they a beautiful couple? They'll be together forever. Now you and I, on the other hand..."

No, seriously, do it now, right now, on the phone becaue time is of the essence. She deserves the truth ASAP.
posted by LarryC at 12:13 AM on October 15, 2005

and I have decided I must end it

Why? What's going on here that's makes it imperative that you must end it?

Call her and talk NOW.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:20 AM on October 15, 2005

No, no, go to the wedding and deal with the aftermath of questions like "So, when are you two getting married.

Seriously, call her now.
posted by filmgeek at 5:12 AM on October 15, 2005

Talk to her now, and if you're going to break up, do it now. This "in person" thing is just a way to delay it. I broke off my first long-distance relationship by mail (and the day after I sent the letter, I got one from her breaking it off -- the letters crossed in the mail! The magic of love.....) and it was fine.

I confess I don't understand this "but I love her" business. If you're breaking up with her, you don't love her in a sense that I (or probably she) would recognize. Stop trying to make yourself feel better about it and just do it.

(Though I do like LarryC's first scenario!)
posted by languagehat at 5:51 AM on October 15, 2005

Do it before! A friend of mine was dumped just after a wedding, and it ruined the whole thing for her. It ruined the photographs -- because there he was, thinking about dumping her and lying for the entire day -- it ruined the memories, it seemed to her a cold and callous thing to do.

Do it now. Especially because weddings usually induce all couple-y closeness, and you're going to sever that when she's happiest with it. Nasty.

Plus, sod the face-to-face. It's a luxury in a long-distance relationship, and you can meet her face-to-face much later if needs be.
posted by bonaldi at 6:50 AM on October 15, 2005

I'm in the Call Her Now Camp. The rules for long-distance relationships are more flexible in this area. You've been intimate over the phone, why not this?

3) Everything else.

So emailing her this thread is not out of the question.

It would explain why this was asked anonymously?
posted by geekyguy at 8:05 AM on October 15, 2005

Her loss will be equal whether you tell her before or after, so you're weighing her pleasure at attending the wedding with you (?compromised my your aloofness?) against the extra betrayal of the togetherness at the wedding being revealed as a lie. You're also running the risk of the situation blowing up in situ, ruining her friend's wedding.

The sooner you tell her the easier it will be for her to get her brother (or your brother) to escort her.
posted by Eothele at 8:45 AM on October 15, 2005

By all means tell her now. I was in a similar situation several months ago, I waited, and it was one of the bigger mistakes of my life. If you can't get there in person you owe her a call.
posted by onalark at 8:57 AM on October 15, 2005

Afterward, you ass. If you do it beforehand, you compound her pain at losing you with the shame of having to attend the wedding alone.

You say you love her dearly...so why is this even a question?
posted by felix betachat at 7:34 PM PST on October 14 [!]

Since when is berating the questioner and calling him an ass for no good reason acceptable? Go away. I hardly think this is so cut and dry. I vote for before and as soon as possible (if you really want to follow your "in person" rule, as someone said, driving over there isn't a terrible idea).
posted by Stauf at 9:13 AM on October 15, 2005

Yeah do it afterward. The last thing you want to do the day after you're dumped is go celebrate someone else's eternal union, especially a peer. It'll make her feel like shit the entire day, ruining that memory for her, and perhaps even bringing the wedding itself down a little bit for the friend.

You can wait one more day. This is still a person you like and care about, right? Do something considerate for her. You may be hesitant to show up on her arm in front of her friends right now, because that can be a minor statement of commitment in itself, but trust me, you don't want her to show up in front of all her friends dark-eyed from crying because of you.
posted by scarabic at 9:19 AM on October 15, 2005

Well, if you have two weeks until the wedding... maybe before is okay. Two weeks is enough time for her to get on her feet a little - unless this wedding is a big deal to her and she's already knee-deep in preparations and showers and girl-stuff with her friend. Your call. It depends on the details, not the least of which is how hard you think she might take this.

And one more thing: if you are going to be distant and checked-out when you're with her, then you shouldn't wait any longer. Once, someone tried to make it through my birthday before dumping me, but she was so obviously dragging herself through the motions that I got the truth out of her - so in the end she both dumped me and lied to me on my birthday. Decide if you can really be present for her before you choose to attend the event. If the answer's no, do it now and give her some lead time.
posted by scarabic at 9:24 AM on October 15, 2005

Two of my best friends waited until after my wedding to tell me they had broken up, a couple weeks before the wedding. I was grateful that they did. It's not exactly the same scenario, but from the perspective not just of your girlfriend but of her close friend, it seems like a nice thing to do to wait.
posted by louigi at 9:31 AM on October 15, 2005

From the differing replies, it seems like the answer comes down to whether you're shame or guilt people -- whether you fear most the public dishonor and shaken social bonds of a rocky wedding appearance, or the private tumult of broken trust and deception. So what's yer value system, anonymous?
posted by johngoren at 9:47 AM on October 15, 2005

There are four cardinal rules for breakups:
1) End things decisively and immediately.
2) Trust the other person to be able to manage their own feelings. Even if they are not able to do this, you are not the person to help them with it.
3) Be honest.
4) Be as kind as you can be while not violating any of the other three rules.

It would be the kindest and most honest thing to break up with her right now on the phone (if you can't get there to do it in person). It is dishonest and cruel to pretend that things are fine if they're not. The in-person thing is a dodge; if you were in the same town, it would be cowardly and hateful not to do it in person. As it is, though, rule number 1 trumps the in-person requirement.

Louigi: are you kidding me? This woman's relationship should be prolonged for the sake of two people not in the relationship? I've heard of self-absorbed brides and grooms, but this is a whole new level.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 10:06 AM on October 15, 2005

Oh, good night nurse, tell her NOW. I assume you two are adults. And if things aren't working out just maybe she might be relieved.


Plus, hey, weddings really are great places to meet people. Let her have that option.
posted by konolia at 10:09 AM on October 15, 2005

Call her now. I've been in a relationship with someone who wanted to dump me but was hanging on out of some kind of misguided politeness and it sucks.
posted by selfmedicating at 11:18 AM on October 15, 2005

I've been in a relationship with someone who wanted to dump me but was hanging on out of some kind of misguided politeness and it sucks.

Ditto. I was dumped a few weeks after a week-long vacation together by a long-time boyfriend who had waited specifically because he didn't want to wreck the vacation. However, he was odd all through the vacation so what might have been an okay time was marred by me continually saying "What is UP with you, why are you being so weird...?" and him being, well, weird. Add to that that we went with my Dad and it was just a nightmare in hindsight. I could have used the vacation time to start getting over him, and instead it was a milestone lousy relationship ending that I can remember forever, complete with pictures. So, I'd say call her now and call it off.
posted by jessamyn at 11:44 AM on October 15, 2005

LittleMissCranky, let me be clear: I'm not saying that anonymous has any sort of obligation to the bride/groom-to-be. But if s/he's close with them, and if s/he thinks that it could sour things for them on their wedding day, it would be another reason it might be considerate to wait to break up.

In my case, the couple who broke up was one of the couples I had always looked to as a model of stability and ability to work out their differences and come out stronger. When I had had hard times in my relationship I had turned to him for advice. I think he guessed that knowing about their breakup would have upset me in particular (though also my wife) and decided to wait. I wouldn't call that self-absorbed on my part - it was their choice not to tell us, after all.

It may be that this advice doesn't apply to anonymous's case; one of the bad things about anonymous questions is that I have no way of finding out. Thus, I offer what I can, and leave it to anonymous to decide whether it's relevant.
posted by louigi at 12:12 PM on October 15, 2005

what konolia said
posted by matteo at 3:30 PM on October 15, 2005

I was actually in a similar situation. My girlfriend dumped me two hours before we were to go to my college roommate's wedding. It was pretty awful having to explain why my guest didn't show up with me and, obviously, ruined the wedding for me. I hadn't seen most of the attendees in years and I was looking forward to seeing them all in the same place again, but I was sort of catatonic and decided that I just couldn't do it. I left the reception shortly after dinner. It's one of the reasons why I hope that I never see her again.

So, while I don't have an opinion regarding before vs. after, if you do it before, make sure that it is well in advance.
posted by greasy_skillet at 5:14 PM on October 15, 2005

While you're there, don't sleep with her and don't behave like her boyfriend. Just be respectful, spend a day or two there, go to the wedding, and then break up with her five or ten hours before you leave (hopefully the next day).

If I had a long-distance boyfriend and he came to my city for a wedding and didn't behave like my boyfriend, I would know something was up, so even if he waited till after the event, I would know before. And instead of knowing two weeks before, it would be the night before or the morning before, and that would suck. Two weeks before, and there's some time to recover.
posted by Airhen at 5:27 PM on October 15, 2005

Dump her at the wedding for maximum effect.
posted by danielpcummings at 6:40 AM on October 16, 2005

It sounds like you're worried (or hopeful) that when you see her, you'll change your mind. Why else fly out to see her? I understand body language is important especially in emotional conversations, but I'm more in favor of telling her before you fly out, and then seeing if she still wants to see you face to face to talk about things. It sounds like you have the potential to stay friends; don't ruin that. If you do indeed dearly love her, then the decision to break up should be mutual. Or are you afraid (or again, hopeful?) that she will change your mind?

You didn't actually state that you're going to the wedding with her. In fact, it sounds like you're not going because you haven't booked the tickets. So there's no reason for you to break up with her on that day unless you get off on putting people through emotional duress. No reason to make things more (for lack of a better word) dramatic than they are.
posted by Eideteker at 10:31 AM on October 18, 2005

DO IT NOW. Do it via email if you have to. I once believed in the "you must do it in person" rule but then the gentleman in question (who clearly must have felt something was amiss) found a million different reasons to put off a visit (and we only lived an hour and a half away). I finally just did it in email.

it's going to suck no matter when you do it, but if you don'[t think she can't feel that something is wrong, you are mistaken.

let her get on with her life.
posted by micawber at 2:04 PM on October 18, 2005