Moving near your in-laws to be
January 9, 2014 1:24 AM Subscribe
I'm supposed to move across town soon to be near my soon-to-be in-laws. I'm having cold feet. I need some help.
posted by 3491again to Human Relations (33 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend (soon to be fiance) is very close with his family. He spends a lot of time with his parents and has stayed with them when between apartments, etc. as we all live in the same city (but about 20 miles away across town).
They own a second house near theirs and asked my boyfriend to move into it. They had some trouble with their tenants and due to city regulations needed to move in a family member. There was some uncertainty about when the move would occur at all due to the issues with the tenants (whether or not legal action would be required, how long it would take before they would move, etc.) The commitment was for two years in order to activate the family member regulations.
My boyfriend asked me if I would mind moving in to their place about a year ago. I said I was okay with it as I like their part of town (although I like my own as well), and he was frequently at their house anyway. They offered us a good deal on the rent. Also, our relationship was a lot less stable at that point, and I wanted to be agreeable (yes, I know, I know).
Finally, after a protracted legal battle, the house became available a month ago. His parents did a lot of remodeling work to make it very nice. He moved in. I have kept my own place, across town, but was planning to move completely to his place in the near future. I live with a group of friends.
It's only been a few weeks since I started spending time there. I am unhappy with it and not sure what to do.
- I hate being so close to his parents. They have strong opinions about household habits (recycling, etc.), personal habits (time spent on the computer versus other activities), how much time we spend working (they are hippies), etc.
They are lovely people, but I'm feeling smothered.
- The house is huge and quiet and I like living with friends and having a community instead.
- I miss my old neighborhood. Their neighborhood is lovely but my old one was very hip and dense and I miss being in the center of things. It's also less convenient to get to work and commuting times are quite variable.
- I just feel bad here.
My boyfriend has told them that I am the priority and if I don't like the place we'll move. However, I feel bad because we have made a commitment to stay here for two years (as they could get in trouble with the city regulations if they can't prove that a family member lived here for that time). Also, he really likes being physically close to them, and I feel bad depriving him of that.
I want to move into our own place, together, possibly with friends we choose, closer to the neighborhood I currently live in. He has said he is willing to do that now if necessary, and certainly after the two-year period (and after we are married).
Complication: I will be going away for a training program for a couple of weeks per month for the next six months. So I could conceivably just wait it out until I am home full-time, which would be about 8 months into the two year time period.
Financially, we can maintain both places (mine and his) if necessary.
- What is a creative solution to the problem of moving in vs. moving out?
- Should I just suck it up and move in entirely?
- Should I wait until I'm done with the training program?
- Have you moved near your in-laws? Was it a good experience? How could it have been made better?
- How do I manage my feelings? We are starting to fight more because I'm very cranky when I'm here.
- My boyfriend is being wonderful to me. What else can he do to make this easier on me?