SO's Sick mother- not sure how to deal with her asking my SO to move in
January 6, 2014 10:08 AM Subscribe
I come from an abusive family where illness was often used an an excuse to mistreat people. For example, my mother would emotionally abuse my father and I and then say it was because she was sick and that we had to learn to deal with it. My SO just moved from another city to be with me and two months in his mother is asking him to move back home for her hip replacement surgery "until she can drive." I am finding this very stressful.
posted by ponytime to Human Relations (34 answers total)
My SO (we have known each other for years, we got together last year) has not found a job here yet so I am supporting both of us. It's OK so far, but finances are a bit tight at time and I'm finding myself living at a lower standard than I'm used to. Obviously he can't get a job here if he's going back there.
I asked him to ask his mother if he could talk to someone at her doctor's office about the prognosis so we can make future plans and she dismissed it. Googling around, it seems some people are able to drive at six weeks, for others it is longer. She has good insurance and would be able to be in a rehab facility if he didn't go help her, but she says they are "awful" and in general made my SO feel so guilty that he felt like he had to go. She says she is depressed and she lives alone. Her ex-husband lives nearby but he has a "new family."
He said she says I might be able to visit, but financially this doesn't seem like a good idea and it doesn't seem like she wants me to come. I get the impression that she is needy and manipulative, but I also worry that because of my background I am projecting, so it's making it very difficult to have a good conversation with my SO.
My grandmother had the same surgery recently and she was in a rehab facility and it was fine. Some of us flew done there for a week. But I understand it's different for everyone.
I won't lie- I feel like settling in here is a priority and I wish he didn't have to go or at least didn't have to go for so long. I do feel guilty for this. One side of me feels like a jerk to a sad old lady, another side just feels kind of hopeless and depressed about it.