You're in my blood like holy wine, you taste so bitter and so sweet
January 5, 2014 9:34 PM Subscribe
I can't seem to get over my ex and I'm worried that I never will. Is that possible? It feels like I'm grieving something heavier than the loss of a relationship.
posted by caseofyou to Human Relations (30 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I moved to NYC almost two months ago. It's been a rough transition for me. When I got here I didn't have a job, a place to live or a single friend aside from my ex. Those problems provided a convenient distraction for a few weeks, but now that they're solved, the full depth of my loneliness is hitting me.
The nature of loss was different when my other relationships ended. It was always a sense of missing the closeness or security but not the person. But he and I had a connection that I know I couldn't find elsewhere. It's hard for me to articulate to others what made it so special to me, and that's a main source of the frustration because being able to describe it might at least free me from its strangulation. When I've tried in the past people have been dismissive, and that made me feel more defeated and alone. The closest I can come is to say we shared a lot of childhood memories and similar emotional reactions to art and nature. We're both introverts and it felt like we built a private world together constructed of shared ideas. There's one weekend in particular I often remember because I was so happy. We went to a museum together and I settled in front of this painting while he was on another side of the room. He came over and hugged me from behind and said that the painting was so me and then described in perfect, succinct detail why. He had a way of telling me thoughts I didn't know I had. Nobody else has ever done that for me.
But he was also a textbook narcissist. I shared some of our history on here awhile ago under a different handle. We met online two years ago but lived on opposite coasts. Our online relationship intensified very fast because we had so much in common. We started exchanging photos, skyping and talking for hours on the phone. After a few months he told me he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. This was all before we had ever met and should have been a giant red flag but I was so enthralled with him that I just hoped for the best.
The first night we met in person right after we had sex he rejected me and told me he didn't feel the chemistry. I was crushed. The next day he begged me back and we continued in a committed relationship for another year from a distance. The same pattern persisted: he treated me with love when we were at a distance but would often act like a different person when we occupied the same physical space. Although we have moments of intense closeness, it was just so sporadic. I thought the distance might be the problem, so I encouraged him to apply to a program in NY, but ironically things worsened when he moved to my coast (I was living in Boston at the time). Right before he moved here he started talking about wanting to keep his options open. Still I pushed for our relationship. I changed my work schedule so I could visit him every other weekend but he kept manufacturing fights and using them as an excuse to cancel my visits the day or sometimes even hours before I left to see him. In general he had me on a roller coaster where he'd be very needy and demanding one moment and then detached and cold the next. I started feeling almost physically ill from the ups and downs so I ended things. We didn't speak for several months and I thought we might never again.
Then one day he texted me, after the Boston Marathon bombing to make sure I was okay. At first we were both cautious but things intensified quickly and he started calling me every day, wanting to talk for hours on the phone, telling me he loved me and missed me. I was confused because he claimed he still couldn't be in a relationship with me in the present but he was semi open to the idea down the line based on how things went when I moved to NY. I made plans to move. Not for him but because I need to be in NY to get my career started and I finally had some money saved up. Mere days before I moved he manufactured a fight and told me couldn't be my friend or even in contact anymore. Up until this point we had been talking every day for months (mostly initiated by him), saying I love you, being supportive to each other. He also said I was incredibly important to him.
Soon after I moved here I caved and got in touch with him. We met up a few times and had dinner and sex. Mostly he was pretty cold with me, despite the fact that he initiated most of it. The last time we saw each other three weeks ago he asked if I wanted to get dinner. This time I was determined not to invite him back to my place and I didn't. Since then neither of us has contacted the other. It was another abrupt end since we had been speaking every day. I've been really struggling since then.
I've made a few semi-friends, my new roommate and a couple of people from work, but otherwise I'm alone. When I first got here I was upbeat and excited about the future but quite abruptly about two weeks ago the feelings of loneliness and homesickness set in.
I've managed not to contact him since that night three weeks ago and I'm trying to focus on new potentials without much success. I set up a ghost OKCupid account to check out the NY selection and that got me even more depressed. I scrolled through hundreds of profiles and maybe found one or two that appealed to me. It doesn't seem like what I'm looking for should be that hard to find. I just want somebody who is smart, driven and has a clear sense of self in that he has fully formed opinions and boundaries. But he also needs to be giving. It's that last trait that seems to be rare in combination with the others Plenty of smart, driven, discriminating dudes on there but they mostly seem to be blatantly arrogant or superficial (at least according to the algorithms and my sense of their profiles). I can't date another guy like that.
Please help me out of this rut.