29 year old virgin: embarrassed and confused
January 5, 2014 9:21 PM Subscribe
I am a 29 year old woman. I am fit, attractive, have a good personality, have had relationships, can sustain friendship. My friends say that I am a catch, and assume that I "get around" even though I never, ever, talk about my sexual exploits...because, well, the furthest I've gone is third base. I know my life circumstances explains some of the delay (details in extended explanation), but I want to know if there's anything else that I am doing wrong? Or am I actually not the weirdo popular culture made me think I am, and more people share this experience but are too afraid to admit? I feel so incredibly embarrassed.
Am I missing out on something really important to become a real person? Will my lack of experience be a problem in the future? What if I am so lacking in practice my future partners find that a problem?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
I grew up bi-culturally-- part of my time growing up was spent in a very conservative cultural environment in which premarital sex was considered a really big, bad, deal. The other part of my growing up happened in your run-of-the-mill American world where kids have sex in high school, etc, etc. On top of my background, I was in the closet through most of my teens and well into my early twenties. During that time, I've tried everything I could, not only to undo my gay-ness but to cover up my sexuality at all. I've came close to having sex with men and then just fled the scene, which was kind of traumatic. I was also sexually harassed in college. Growing up I battled with a number of body image dysmorphia issues that lasted into my early twenties and was terrified of being touched.
But I got over all these things. I worked extremely hard in my twenties to overcome fear of intimacy, abandonment, and commitment. I've had some short-to-medium relationships with women who wants to take it slow... sometimes extremely slow, often having similar emotional baggage/personal histories I did, and I always respected that. And then things ended before we got there.
I know I am not asexual, because, well, uh, I have desires.
But I feel like I must be missing a memo. Or I've been brain washed by popular media, which tells me that I should be ashamed of myself. I have multiple friends who were in a similar boat until they were 27 or 28, but I don't know anyone who's 29 and still a virgin, except for Steve Carrel (j/k).
Either way, what am I not doing, or what am I not doing right?
What are some readings, blogs, books, etc that can help me-- whether to remedy my situation, or to think differently about it?
Have you had a similar experience that you might have a word of wisdom?
Basically, help me! I don't want to be the shameful 30-year-old virgin next year. I want to remedy either the shame part or the virgin part.