Is there hope after cheating?
December 24, 2013 1:35 AM Subscribe
I severely fumbled with my boyfriend's heart. I don't know what to do.
posted by Cybria to Human Relations (30 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
First off I know this is a very sensitive subject. And I'm sorry if it triggers anyone's negative feelings. But I'm in a place of desperation right now and I just need to reach out to MeFi. I've always gotten good advice here before.
I've been dating someone I've known for six years, but because of complications, distance, and terrible timing, we've never had a chance to be together until three months ago. But I have to say being with someone I've formed such a deep friendship with had been the most amazing experience of my life. We have that fabled "connection" that so many people talk about. Kyle even loved my daughter to bits, and she loved him. We were deeply in love and had mentioned the possibility of marriage over the years, and now it seemed like a very real reality.
Not to make excuses for myself, but I have to give this bit of background: I have severe daddy issues. My dad was abusive and he rather dramatically split from my mom ten years ago. I guess I never fully got over it. In response I started accumulating lots and lots of male friends. Most of them I've never had any attraction to, and our relationship was just platonic. Some of them turned into "more than friends" but fizzled out.
Well I never realized why I surrounded myself with so many guys until recently, and from the start my Kyle half-joked about it. I saw that it was an issue, but I've always been quite retarded when it comes to relationships. Once I asked Kyle if one of his friends could take me out dancing, since Kyle is often busy with work. He reacted in anger, asking me why on earth I would want to go out with one of his guy friends. I didn't see what the problem was until he reacted that way. But like I said, I've never been very good at deciphering these things.
One major mistake I made was confiding too much about my relationship to my guy friends, and in one male friend in particular. I went to his house one day when me and Kyle first got together, a time when I was afraid and unsure about where the relationship was going to go. For some reason, in my heart I was sure it was going to end as quickly as it started. But later I'd find that this wasn't the case. Well my "friend" took advantage of the situation. Not to say I didn't have a hand in it, but he was quite insistent we sleep together, when he knew I was in a weak place. One thing lead to another. I still kick myself for getting into that situation at all. I really should have known better.
Well I didn't tell my boyfriend about it at first. I just couldn't bear to. But he got it out of me eventually, because he knew something was up. I tearfully told him what had happened. He was so wrecked to say the least. Still he seemed willing to give us another chance.
The fatal mistake I made was to think that it would be okay to still hang out with my guy friends after all of this happened. I got into the habit of texting Kyle each day to tell him where I was during the day. I thought this would give him a reason to trust me. But instead it backfired when I told him that I was hanging out with a guy friend who was in town visiting. I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea. I didn't realize it would drive a wedge between us. He responded that he couldn't believe that I would go hanging out with another man when I was trying to make things right between he and I, and in retrospect that makes sense. I kept texting apologies all day, but I didn't really hear from him until three days later when we had the conversation that ended our relationship.
Last night he broke up with me after explaining that there is a reason why he has a hard time trusting anyone. and I understood...I was wrong, and I can't deny it at all. But I've never broken down so badly. I even attempted suicide, but at the last moment I simply couldn't go through with it and leave my daughter behind. I know it was wrong to try in the first place. But the pain was so overwhelming. I'd deeply wounded this man I love so much, and now he was out of my life... I just wanted it to end. I was so hysterical when explaining to my mother what happened that she had to give me a sedative to calm me down. Then I asked her to pray for me, which is unusual because I'm agnostic. I just needed something to hold on to though.
So in short, I accept responsibility for what I did, and I'm not trying to excuse myself or paint myself as a victim...but I am saying that I've made some horrible mistakes that have lead to me losing someone that completed me so much. I want to know if there is hope of us ever being together again...hope of him ever forgiving me. Secondly I need to know how I can function during this time. I have to take care of myself and my kid...I woke up this morning and my whole body felt like lead. I know I need to be present for her. Thanks for reading. Again I'm sorry if this has triggered anyone or caused any negative feelings. I know that cheating is a very delicate issue. But I don't have anyone in my life right now who i can really trust to talk to about this.