How to best deal with a despised close friend of my SO?
December 19, 2013 12:36 PM Subscribe
For reasons that I find entirely justifiable, I despise one of my significant other's closest friends. Until recently, we have gotten along, and although he treats his girlfriend terribly and frequently complains about their relationship to my SO and me, I thought he was just unhappy in his relationship, and dismissed it. Recent events have brought to light that, not only does he dislike me deep down, it appears he genuinely thinks of women in general as nothing more than inconsequential beasts with breasts that somehow continue to exists despite their obvious stupidity and inability to do anything of value. Obviously this revelation makes me a little uncomfortable with the idea of he and my SO cavorting about together without me being around to deter the "I hate women" diatribe. Snowflake details inside.
posted by Quincy to Human Relations (32 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Let me start off by saying that my SO is nothing like his friend, and also realizes how much of a dick he is to women. However, my SO is also very much a go with the flow type and would rather brush over something than ruffle feathers and start a fight. So while I trust that my SO would not return his sentiments, I still feel uncomfortable with someone that so clearly does not like me or my entire sex, having an open table to vent his frustrations over dinner and drinks.
What brought about my realization was playing co-ed softball this fall with this guy. He was given the impression that he was co-captain (along with a girl, who unlike himself, had 20+ years of experience playing the sport, and who was clearly the best player on our team). However, he took this to mean that he was captain, and could consider the wishes of the feeble woman at his will, but should he not want to do something a certain way, it would not be done. Over the course of the season he : openly implied that none of the women on our team could catch a ball, stated that having mandatory women in the infield was a stupid rule and it was a shame we had to abide by it, yelled at just about everyone, threw a dugout hissy fit because a girl was uncomfortable subbing at my base and asked me to swap with her, stated that if a woman chose not to take a "walk" when given the opportunity she was being selfish and making the whole team suffer because there is no way that a woman could hope to take a swing and do better than a single, directly targeted me at every given opportunity and a multitude of other offenses. Being the strongwilled hyper competitive person that I am I did not take his sexism lying down, and along with the other girl infielder, was one of the only two to take him on and tell him he was wrong, which is why I know he now detests me as well. His behavior just makes me realize that his sexist jokes and implications he has made since I known him were not jokes... I now know that he actually believes all of these things, and truly does not think women are capable of anything but making a sandwich better than a man could.
This part is really just for my satisfaction... I would just like to state that he benched me for a game and played first in my stead, and raised the count to two women on the team that were better at playing infield than he was. Point being there was not even any justification to his belief that the women on our team were automatically awful, and could never dream to be better at anything then men are. Because we were better than him, and many other men on our team.
Anyway, my question is... how do I put this aside and move on. I sometimes have a really hard time letting go of this type of thing, and I know that it isn't fair to my SO to try to prevent him from hanging out with his long time friend. And I would never do that, however it really gets under my skin anytime they go out together and the girlfriends are not invited. Until now I have just been trying to hide my annoyance, but it is really troubling me every time. Should I just suck it up and get over it? Or should I explain my perspective to my SO? I don't want him to lose a friend, I just want him to understand why I may be quiet for a while when he returns from a night out, without being accusing or starting a fight. Advice on how to handle this kind of thing?