Support after gaybashing?

October 12, 2005 8:08 AM

How do I provide support to a friend that has recently been gay-bashed?

He hasn't asked for my help in anyway. He's acting like everything is fine and he's very matter-of-fact about it. I'm not entirely sure if it's a facade or if it really isn't a big deal to him. How could it not be?

He has chosen not to report the assault. I wish he would, but I respect that it's his choice to make.

I'm enraged 1) that this happened and 2) that there will be no justice. Are we really so backwards that this STILL happens? I live in Canada, we're relatively tolerant around here. But I guess this is a reminder that we've still got a lonnng way to go.

How can I turn this anger into something productive?

Any advice with dealing with the situation would be greatly appreciated.

posted by raedyn to human relations (11 comments total)

If I were gaybashed, I would be scared, and would be grateful for friends who would go out with me and make me feel comfortable and not like I'm gonna be jumped again soon.
posted by Nelson at 8:11 AM on October 12, 2005

Ditto Nelson. Everyday settings may now appear threatening - so go out and do something fun with a group of people.
posted by carter at 8:27 AM on October 12, 2005

I had a friend in a similar situation. What I did was tell him boils down to this: "I'm sorry to hear this and I'm angry that this happened. I want to do whatever makes you feel comfortable now and hope that you'll soon want to take this issue to someone who can make a difference. Until then, let me know what I can do." Unfortunately, he never wanted to go forward with any sort of justice-seeking, but that was his call, not mine.
posted by allen.spaulding at 8:29 AM on October 12, 2005

I would stay away from assuming that you know what's best for him. Don't force him into anything. If he wants to be with groups of people, great; if he wants to stay home and be by himself, great. If he wants to go out with one or two people, great.

When I'm upset, large groups of people are the LAST thing I want, and the first thing that more extroverted friends are always trying to thrust on me.

I'd let him know you're there for him, whether he wants to talk or not, and just try to follow his cues. People cope with things differently, and he may not be ready to talk about it, or may not want to talk about it with you, or may not need to talk about it ever.

For yourself, I'd be tempted to make donations to gay rights groups, or volunteer with education groups, or do something on your own to help right the karmic balance, if that makes sense.
posted by occhiblu at 8:45 AM on October 12, 2005

Is there a LGBT antiviolence program in your area? Even if he won't go, you can talk to them and get feedback.
posted by brujita at 9:16 AM on October 12, 2005

Here's a LGBT antiviolence program that I'm a big fan of. And they just started a Canadian chapter!
posted by Scoo at 9:34 AM on October 12, 2005

I'd say that the best thing to do is simply tell him what you told us -- how angry it makes you that 1) he got hurt and 2) that gaybashing exists still.

I'd warn you away from talking about wanting to "fix" the situation, make him feel better about it, or change the world. (But privately making donations to local groups is awesome. They're usually run on a shoestring budget.)

Another tick mark in the mental column of "straight people who do not think that gaybashing is acceptable or logical" is sometimes more helpful in the long run than hearing brand new moral outrage over something that he's dealt with for much of his life.

(I'm assuming that you're straight. I'm also not actually assuming that your moral outrage is new...just new compared to the daily crap he's already experienced, ya know?)
posted by desuetude at 10:01 AM on October 12, 2005

when I was bashed, what i really wanted from my friends was just to be with me on the streets for a while, especially at night. It took like a month or so before i was able to walk "freely" again. As long as he's not seriously physically hurt, it's more of a psychological blow--regarding safety, and feeling comfortable, and self-esteem stuff. I'd just make sure he wasn't leaving bars alone at night for a while, and --

You must alert the anti-violence people in the area even if he doesn't want to report it. Whoever bashed him is probably hanging around the same area and others need to be warned about it, no matter what he wants. When it happened to me--around the corner from a regular bar of mine--i told all the bartenders and the anti-violence project here, and told everyone to be careful walking down that street. (i called the cops too at the time, but they weren't helpful at all)
posted by amberglow at 10:19 AM on October 12, 2005

He hasn't asked for my help in anyway.

Then he probably doesn't need to hear how his experience affected you. There's a stark distinction between your original question about providing support to him and your final sentences about dealing with your own anger. The latter is your problem. Don't make it his.
posted by cribcage at 10:19 AM on October 12, 2005

Your sentiments are fantastic but I agree with cribcage -- it sounds like you're friend is dealing with this better than you are. I don't mean you're not allowed to feel angry -- and I think your friend's lucky to have people like you around -- but maybe it's better for him to see that the people around him don't treat him any differently than before the attack. Let him come to you if he needs anything else. (Sorry for the ineloquent response but hope it makes sense.)
posted by londonmark at 11:31 AM on October 12, 2005

I agree with occhiblu: channel your outrage and anger into action for anti-violence groups/organizations whether it be via time and/or money.

While I note a sense of ingrained skepticism even while doing it, write a letter or call the government official who represent you and let them know this occurred (while keeping your friends identity private) and that you not only find this behavior abhorrent, but expect them to work toward tighter laws, etc. where this sort of thing is concerned.

You sound like a supportive friend which is all anyone could hope for. Continue to support your friend while remembering it is not about you.
posted by sillygit at 2:59 PM on October 12, 2005