Fiance Met Up with Old Female Friend; Didn't Mention It. Now What?
December 16, 2013 6:39 AM Subscribe
Me: mid-40's living with teenage kid, him: mid-50's moved in with us (after several year LDR) months ago. A few days ago, he got together with an old female friend and I found out accidentally.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (71 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Up until last night I would have said the relationship was strong. I love him, he loves me, we're planning our wedding. Great sex, great companionship, we finish each other's sentences, we're happy together. He's wonderful with my kid who loves him.
Communication wise, he's more of a plodder emotionally than I, so he can hold onto his feelings of worry, sadness or any basic "something's bugging me" concerns longer than I but he has always eventually told me what's ongoing and we've always been able to discuss things and come out better on the other side.
Last night, his cell phone buzzed and he asked me to grab it for him. I did and saw there was a text from a woman I didn't know saying it was great to see him a few days ago and she was looking forward to meeting me. (So no snooping on my part. Also critical to mention is that I've not ever had any inner feelings of ick or suspicion about him.)
So I ask what this is all about. He said she was an old coworker (from like 25 years ago...he lived here years ago and is now reconnecting with many old friends since he's moved back here...she was an old female acquaintance...I never knew of her) who recently connected with him via Facebook and they got together so he could give her a copy of the book he's written. (Sidenote: he recently published a book and has been getting it out to people).
Of course I was like, "Huh? And were you ever going to mention this?" I was obviously upset.
His response was only apologetic. He wanted to mention it several times but couldn't find a good time. He realized it was a mistake to not tell me right afterwards and didn't know when to tell me, then it snowballed, etc. My kid was around all weekend...it IS a small house, he was afraid it would be a massive blowup and he didn't want to do that with my kid around, then we had a snowstorm and we couldn't get out so he could talk. There really wasn't any time this weekend to talk. I get that.
He tried to make clear this isn't the beginning of him sneaking around or seeing her or anything unseemly. He said it was a last minute, "Why not," type of thing and then he couldn't figure out how to mention it without it becoming a gigantic issue (in front of my kid and to me).
He was the one to say he recognized what a stupid thing it was to do (getting together with her without saying anything and then of course, not mentioning it). He understood why I was upset. He offered to go see someone to talk if I need to do that. He swears (God, I can't believe how cliched this all sounds) this was nothing but just being stupid and wrong.
In our brief, late-night conversation he was nothing but sorry, willing to do anything to make me feel better, and absolutely clear that he wants to get married and stay together and that this was a stupid one-off, not the beginning of his exit strategy. He was clear he'll never do anything like this again.
I could see from her text that clearly he HAD mentioned me; and that he wants us all to meet.
So what's the next step here? Is this a DTMFA now territory? Is this a bug and not a feature?
How does this get solved happily? This guy was the love of my my life and now I don't even know what I feel other than betrayed.