How to Platonically Ask a Guy Out
December 15, 2013 6:06 AM Subscribe
There's a guy I'm interested in getting to know better as a friend (and it's strictly as a friend, because he has a girlfriend). But I have various concerns. A whole nor'easter worth of details inside.
posted by Puck Soppet to Human Relations (33 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
For the past month or so, I've been talking to this guy in an activity that I participate in. Initially, I had a crush on him and that's why I started talking to him. I found out that he had a girlfriend, who I've since met briefly a couple of times. She seems nice, even though we've only spoken to each other once. I've since gotten over him in that way.
The guy and I have a few common interests in addition to the activity that we do, and we also live in the same neighborhood so I've bumped into him from time to time while running errands. He also seems like a nice guy and as far as I know, he doesn't mind me talking to him. I'm really socially awkward and also phenomenally bad at reading people, but he asks me questions, and his body language seems to check out. I'm still not entirely sure though, since I sometimes have a feeling (and my therapist seems to agree) based on certain mannerisms/things that he's said that he may be a little socially awkward himself. So, I think he's a nice guy, but it's entirely possible that he only comes off that way, but only really talks to me because he's just trying to be nice and/or he feels sorry for me.
To get to the point: I'd like to get to know this guy a little better. He's nice (or seems to be), and we have a lot of the same interests, and I've never had a straight guy friend before and I'd like to change that. My therapist has told me about how hanging out with someone is the best way to get to know them, etc. But I'm wondering if it's too soon in the friendship to ask him to hang out, and then it's a catch-22: in order to get to know him better I need to hang out with him outside the activity, but in order to ask him to hang out I feel I need to know him better.
But I literally do not know how to ask him to hang out. Like, I don't even know what to say. I don't even have his contact information. I have these cards that I give to people with my email address and phone number, and I'd like to give one to him as a precursor to asking him to hang. I've thought about then saying, "We should hang out," but my therapist says that sounds almost like a command and thinks I should say, "I'd like to hang out sometime." However, I think that sounds more like a date, and the idea of asking him that way makes me nervous.
The fact that he has a girlfriend complicates things (or it may not-- I could be just overthinking this) because I don't know how to make it seem like it would be a platonic thing without basically saying it outright. I don't have a significant other that I can mention, nor do I want to make up one. I've heard horror stories about girlfriends not taking too kindly to their boyfriends having female friends and meeting up with them. Something like that happened to me while in high school and it kind of scared me off being friends with a guy with a girlfriend for a really long time. Also, I'm wondering if he may suspect that I had a crush on him-- I've been told by other people that sometimes I inadvertently give stuff like that away. What exactly they meant by that I do not know.
What also complicates this is that after New Year's, there will be a change in the scheduling of our activity, so there is a possibility that after the holidays I'll see him less, and a greater chance that when I do see him he will be with his girlfriend. I do plan to tell him she can come and hang out with us, but I don't do well in groups of three in general-- I've found that in those situations, even platonic ones, there's usually a third wheel, and it's almost always me, so I don't want to be forced into inviting her. Therefore, I'd rather do it when he's alone.
This is frustrating and anxiety inducing-- I've actually asked people (mostly girls) to hang out before with none of this, believe it or not. I want to hang out with him, but I'm scared that he'll say no or be mean or weird towards me in our activity. It sucks not being able to read people. It's also sad because then I feel like I'll never have a straight guy friend. What should I do, AskMe? How do I ask out a guy platonically?