First date excitement, late-night texting, boundary-pushing, and empty promises of a second date. Drama ensues, all in the span of a few weeks. Did I bring this on myself, was this guy bad news, and how do I tell the difference in the future?
posted by mini apple to Human Relations (49 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Hi all, 31 year old female here. I was in a relationship for most of my mid- to late-twenties, and have been venturing back into the online dating scene in the past few months (using Ok Cupid). I just had an....experience that has left me somewhat bewildered and would like to get your input on what exactly went down. To spoil the ending of this saga - I will never speak with or see this person again, and I'm completely fine with that. I just want to know how I can better manage this type of thing in the future. Apologies for length. I am not a succinct writer.
Overall, my online dating experience has been positive. I have been on lots of first dates, fewer 2nd or 3rd dates, but nothing that's developed into a relationship - which is what I am ultimately looking for, although I am certainly not in a huge rush for that. Now, about 6 weeks ago I went on a great first date - this guy came on strong, and I was totally into it. He was assertive, charming, extremely good-looking, and seemingly very into me! We had lots of laughs, flirting, and a pretty hot goodnight kiss. Yay! This just so happened to be a few days prior to me leaving the country for a couple weeks. He was very upfront in stating he would like to see me again before I left although he understood that I was busy. After some late night flirting and heavy hinting the evening before I left, I kinda-sorta extended an invitation for him to hang out either at my place or his although I was clear that this kind of a second date is not my typical style (meaning, please don't interpret this as a sex-invitation, not ready for that yet!). He declined due to the late hour but expressed regret, and we both agreed that we were feeling this silly sense of urgency to see each other due to my impending trip. We left things with the understanding that once I return from my trip we will reconnect with dinner.
When I returned home I let him know that I was excited about getting to know him better, and asked him when/if he was available for another date. He was initially surprised, stating he didn't think I had been that into things (I should note this is the second time he had made a remark upon those lines. This is understandable as I am typically reserved and know I am slow to open up, so I was trying to be pretty clear in stating my enthusiasm with him), then responded that he does want to see me again but was very busy for the next few weeks. I again reiterated that I was looking forward to seeing him and that he should get in touch when things were a little less crazy for him.
Cue flirty/sexy texting over the next couple weeks. This escalates to sexy/explicit texting (initiated by him but I can play along, and it was fun). He consistently apologized about having a busy schedule but neglected to give me any idea when that schedule would clear up. Eventually this whole late-night invitation to 'hang out' cycle starts back up. Each time we get to the point where I am just about ready to walk out the door, then he says never mind, that it's not a good idea. After the second or third time this happened, I told him that I did want to see him again, but this last minute late-night negotiation was tough for me to manage (it was a little out of my comfort zone, on top of which it really doesn't feel great to get all excited and then rejected in the span of 10 minutes) and I requested that he find a date/time he was available for a date and ask me in advance.
Did that happen? No. During yet another one of these exchanges (which were all via text....ugh....) I tried calling. He didn't answer, saying he didn't want to talk. I then responded by saying I wanted to see him, but at a time we both had time and energy rather than late at night when we both had work in the morning. To which he replied that he has no free time, this is it, and maybe we shouldn't talk anymore as he's sure I have plenty of other dates from 'that thing' (meaning OK Cupid).
To me, this is when things really get weird but I will try to be objective here. I let him know that I don't want us to stop talking, and that I don't in fact have other dates. He then responds with surprise, stating that he thought I would have probably hooked up on my vacation or that I had been seeing someone recently, then repeatedly makes statements along the lines of 'that would be kinda hot. Too bad.' I didn't really want to engage in that conversation so I ended up apologizing that things didn't work out for that night and requested that he let me know what I could realistically expect from this situation given his schedule at this time (texting? Coffee? dinner?). It's late, I say goodnight and go to bed expecting to hear from him the next day.
An hour later, I get a text from him saying he fell asleep but just woke up. He doesn't acknowledge anything about the weirdness about the night's previous conversations; he starts right up with some explicit sexy texts. I told him I needed him to take my questions about expectations seriously, and if he didn't want to do that right now we should both just go to sleep. He then responds with 'Oh my god. Let's just not. This is kinda crazy. Have a good night/day, etc."
The next day he sends a text saying we should say good-bye; I agree, stating that I although I am disappointed this shouldn't be so hard. I told him I was looking for someone who is available for dating and eventually a relationship if things go well, and it didn't seem he was looking for the same - at least not with me. He shot back a few angry-ish texts along the lines of him being available most of the time except these few weeks, and that it had only been one date, and that this was kind of crazy and he was put off by it.
Those last texts have really left me questioning my actions - am I to blame here? Was I too impatient? This whole texting debacle took place over two weeks, in which it seems that even if he was really busy if he had wanted to see me he could have made it happen. Was I sending mixed messages by engaging in the sexy talk? I was thinking I was being open and honest about my excitement for him (which is hard for me to do) but I didn't think I was getting too far ahead of myself. And yes, I know that text communication is NOT a good idea in these situations, although I really had no other option here seeing as he wouldn't pick up the phone or actually, you know, see me in person.
Basically, how should I have handled this better?
Finally, should I expect to come across more men like this in the future? Come on strong, lots of flowery words, then fizzle? Honestly, this was the most 'exciting' date I've been on in a long long time and we had pretty incredible chemistry - which I am now thinking I should not be so quick to trust. Clearly, we were NOT a good match as this much drama is not okay with me.