My boyfriend internet usage is suggestive of an interest in escorts and other activities to an extent that bothers me.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (38 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, live together, and due to similar schedules*, mutual friends, and whatnot, spend most of our non-work time together.
A few months ago, I was using his computer (with his permission, but he wasn't there) and noticed a tab open (one of tons, mostly of work related stuff) of a page to an escort service based in the part of the city where he works.
[You know, just to get it out of the way, since I know the snooping is going to be part of the conversation: while in about 70% of the cases I am describing, I was using his phone/computer with his knowledge and permission, or in an innocuous way (using to look something up, call my phone, etc) I haven't just stumbled upon some of the stuff I'm talking about. I deliberately went looking for it.]
I looked at the history for that tab and it was filled with more of the same. Possibly relevant is the fact that the escort service was specifically offering transsexual escorts. Along with the escort agency, he had also looked at a lot of craigslist casual encounters m4m postings (the male/male subsite).
I was really upset by this revelation, not necessarily for the content, but because of the medium. I don't care if he watches porn, and for the most part don't care about the content (I mean, with the obvious objections of the illegal kind). I'm very open with him about the kind of stuff I watch, and I also know that I've explored my share of porn that wasn't really my thing, but out of curiosity.
What bothered me though was what seemed like the "slippery slope" of what looked like exploring possible avenues to enact these desires, which I am definitely not ok with, at least not without a lot of communication and agreed upon boundaries.
Another thing that compounded my distress was that our sex life had also been in a slump. So I was sort of concerned that I had found the reason for that, as well.
The evening of this first discovery, I confronted my boyfriend. In retrospect, I definitely didn't handle the conversation well. I had spent all day imagining the worst, and understandably, he was defensive and embarrassed. He suggested I was sex-negative and shaming him for his interests, and explained that it is the verisimilitude of the postings/escort sites that is the turn-on- like, amateur porn.
I bought this explanation, because he swore he has never/would never cheat on me and that it's really about the fantasy. I try to be GGG and if that's his thing, I can live with it.
Or so I thought. Last night I got home from a Christmas party, and his phone was in the living room (he was asleep). I am ashamed to say, I snooped again. I looked at his text messages and he had three texts (this is an iphone) in the record, to unknown numbers, with no content. In iOS, if you type in a number to text but do not send or add any content, it won't be saved as a blank text (as far as I know). Which made me think that he had been texting with these numbers, but just deleted the content. I looked up the numbers on my phone and they were all for escort agencies.
I'm really torn about what to do. I want to respect the previous conversation we had, stop snooping, and trust him. But I just feel really uncomfortable, and since our sex life is still in a slump, I can't help but think this might have something to do with it.
Please, askme, should I bring this up again? How?
*his workload fluctuates and at certain times of the year he is busier and sometimes stays late.