How can I just be myself?
December 7, 2013 8:23 AM Subscribe
I feel like I have very different (by society's standards) sides to me... and I don't know how to truly be myself in either one.
posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (34 answers total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I know that it's okay to not belong anywhere, and be your unique, true self. But how do I be myself if I feel like no one would understand me if I was?
In high school, I was a really shy girl who was in the math team, competing in different math competitions and going to practices every week. Naturally I followed this path and went onto study computer science in university. I am now double majoring in a social science and computer science (two very different fields), heavily involved in extracurriculars (president of students union for our computer science students).
After high school, I became dramatically different. I started getting a lot more male attention. My friends from high school have told me I am no longer that shy girl back in high school. People started calling me attractive - something I've never known before. I started feeling confident enough to go to a club and enjoy myself. I used to dislike clubs very much before that, thinking it was for shallow people. I met men from my night outs, dating men - doctors from ivy leagues, financiers, etc. I started working part time as a promo girl for liquor companies.
I don't know how I can go from a girl who sits in front of a computer coding in Java all night and leading my university's computer science union to a girl who is a liquor promo girl in skimpy outfits... I feel awkward balancing myself. I feel like I have two dramatically different sides of me and people from one part would never understand the other. I sometimes feel a bit embarrassed to talk about coding/computers in front of my other co-workers who are promo girls. And I feel embarrassed to talk about my promo work and clubbing night outs in front of my computer science classmates whose idea of a great night is a night in playing video games. I feel awkward and I always feel like, in the back of my mind, I don't fit in at either places. I know I might be making a big deal out of this... but it's something that's been on my mind for a while and I wanted to address it because I couldn't find the solution alone.
So how do you think I can just truly "be myself" anywhere, with anyone? Thank you in advance.