How can I learn to wait to deal with stuff?
December 6, 2013 10:58 AM Subscribe
When I have tension or conflict with others, I get fixated on solving the problem immediately. This doesn't allow me or the person I'm having the trouble with to have time to think about things and deal with them logically and calmly. How can I learn to wait to resolve issues?
posted by sockermom to Human Relations (12 answers total) 25 users marked this as a favorite
I have noticed that when I have interpersonal issues - mostly in romantic relationships - I get fixated on dealing with it right away. If the other person doesn't want to do that, I'll leave them alone, but I spend all the "waiting" time obsessing and thinking about the issue.
I need to be able to put these things aside until it's an appropriate time to handle them. Instead, I will try to talk it out right away - even when all I have are emotions that I don't quite yet understand or know how to handle.
For example, my ex boyfriend told me he was spending time with a new female friend via email the day we broke up (shortly before dumping me). I called him while he was at work to try to talk it out - my discomfort, his behavior (which is actually ok - everyone has friends and I don't think she was a threat) - and instead we argued and he ended up breaking up with me that night partially because I pushed it and told him I had to discuss it as soon as he left work.
This is just one example. I also have done this in the past. I think it is related to certain triggers - feeling like I'm not good enough, feeling like I am going to lose a friend or partner because I did something wrong... but it's a bit self-fulfilling because this behavior is really problematic, especially when it's something that needs to be approached delicately.
I was abused by a different ex for three years and I think sometimes I would push things with him just to get the punishment part out of the way because it was so scary. But I think I was probably like this before him, too.
I just don't know how to put emotional chaos on the back burner. I'm working with a therapist but I could use some help thinking about how I can better compartmentalize and deal with things at an appropriate time.