Help me solve my sexual problem.

October 11, 2005 3:52 PM

I am a man with a sexual problem. It's probably the opposite of what you think. Details inside, NSFW or kids.

My problem: I take too long to ejaculate.

I've been with several women and done a lot of different things, but I've never been able to finish off unless I did it myself. Don't think we gave up too easily, as we've gone until we were too tired to do any more, sometimes for over an hour.

I've always had a good time and often felt like I was close to coming, but have never been able to let it go. As far as general health goes, I'm not at all sick, have never had trouble masturbating or getting or maintaining an erection, and take no pills.

On the girls' side: None, honestly, were super-hot babes, but I was attracted to them, and one of them has been my girlfriend for several years (though we've only recently become sexually active). As you can imagine, most of my partners have had fun, but always were a little disappointed they couldn't finish the job. FWIW, I've never had intercourse, but have done a good bit otherwise.

So here's the question: What do I do? I'm not looking for "You'll wish you could do that when you're older" type stuff -- I'm sure I will, but right now, that's not what I want. I don't think it's a mental block, but it could be, especially once it's happened enough times to make me think it's a problem. I'll appreciate any ideas, mental or physical, that might help.

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 comments total)

Stop jerking off. Really. You're conditioning "Little anonymous" like you're B.F. Skinner. And vaginas are not behaviorists, so they can't repeat the process that you're used to.
posted by Mayor Curley at 4:08 PM on October 11, 2005

The condition is called "delayed ejaculation" or, worse, "retarded ejaculation." There's a Yahoo group. Antidepressants can cause it, as can a lifetime of, shall we say, inappropriate conditioning, as Mayor Curley mentions. I suspect that the simplest therapy would be what Mayor Curley said plus having full-on sex. (Some guys basically can never finish from oral sex.)
posted by kimota at 4:23 PM on October 11, 2005

I second Mayor Curley. So does Dan Savage.
posted by allen.spaulding at 4:29 PM on October 11, 2005

FWIW, I've never had intercourse, but have done a good bit otherwise.

You've never had intercourse? Definitely give it a try. Blowjobs and handjobs are all quite pleasurable in their own way (at least that's what my partners have indicated!), but the sensation of full-on vaginal intercourse strikes me as something that no mouth or hand can quite replicate. And yeah, as kimota says, some guys just can't quite finish off from oral stimulation alone.

You don't say what your masturbation technique is, but if you don't use much (if any) lube and use a pretty tight iron grip on yourself, then perhaps try reconditioning yourself using lots of lube and a lighter, more "teasing" touch.
posted by scody at 4:33 PM on October 11, 2005

Intercourse is way more stimulating (even with a condom) than oral sex. Ejaculation should not be a problem. That's been my experience, anyway.
posted by kindall at 4:38 PM on October 11, 2005

I second (third?) what Mayor Curley said.

Years of *ahem* alone-time can do that to you, as you learn to keep the pleasure level up as long as possible. You'll also need to spend some time really getting hot-and-bothered before penetration to condition yourself to finish at an appropriate length of time. If you don't spend a long time with that, you'll get somewhere along the way, think about why you haven't finished yet, get frustrated and then have to stop.

If you end up in that situation, stop, relax and don't finish yourself off (barring it getting to the point of painful "blue balls"). Try again a little later.
posted by Kickstart70 at 4:43 PM on October 11, 2005

I am in a similar boat to you, but I don't consider it to be a problem with myself, per se. Frankly, I just don't think most women are particularly skilled at or particlarly interested in pleasuring a man. I've had no problem attaining orgasm when:

a) my lover is patient, persistent and attentive female
b) my lover is a gay male
c) I am having penetrative sex.

I suggest you try one of the above.
posted by randomstriker at 4:50 PM on October 11, 2005

Been there, done that. Yes, lube and changing your masturbation habits helps. I no longer have problems in this department. You may also want to try deliberately going for quickies or *ahem* trying circumstances where there is a risk of discovery.

Occasionally this still happens and I can pretty much feel it's because I just am too distracted by other things on my mind to get into O-space - a sort of inverse impotence, if you like.

FWIW, I've never had intercourse, but have done a good bit otherwise.

On rereading, well duh. Only you really know how to get yourself off by hand. If you're not prepared to train someone else up (or they don't want to be trained) it's not going to happen. And if you're circumcised you're probably not that sensitive. Some men rarely or never come from blowjobs, you may be one of them. Give the lube a shot too.

And stop being so goal-orientated. Mmm, after 30 minutes of almost there, who can feel anything but frustrated? If it isn't happening for you, do something else for a little while. The earlier stimulation will not be wasted.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:02 PM on October 11, 2005

the Mayor, as (almost) always, makes rude sense. he's right, I'd have rephrased it, but he's right. and don't worry, it'll all go well.


(at least that's what my partners have indicated!)

that's just teasing, you know. it just isn't done.
PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO THINK HERE GITDAMMNIT!
posted by matteo at 5:18 PM on October 11, 2005

hee!
posted by scody at 5:23 PM on October 11, 2005

Try the vagina. It's a whole world of delights.
posted by klangklangston at 5:25 PM on October 11, 2005

Have you been drinking when these instances occur? That can seriously delay or even prevent orgasm.
posted by caddis at 5:52 PM on October 11, 2005

Try the vagina.

It's almost like vaginas were made for sex. It really is different from anything you've tried before. Millions of years of evolution targeted at making penises feel good. Amazing.
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:34 PM on October 11, 2005

in part because use thereof requires almost no skill, whereas the mouth does require some.
posted by caddis at 6:44 PM on October 11, 2005

Try taking your focus off your dick, sensation-wise, and really let your mind wander into serious, grand fantasy territory starring you and whoever is with you. Orgasm's are mostly mental at that point.
posted by docpops at 7:02 PM on October 11, 2005

Oh, and be prepared to shoot pretty quickly once you get into that vagina. Sometimes even something as simple as not using a condom after a while of acclimation means that ZAM! it's a whole new world.
posted by klangklangston at 7:38 PM on October 11, 2005

fuck the vagina. try the ass.
posted by crabintheocean at 8:33 PM on October 11, 2005

I've only gotten off a couple times from anyone else's mouth and never from anyone else's hand, and I don't think I am all that unusual. Intercourse is much much better for me.

Honestly, I've never really understood how obsessed some men become about blowjobs. In the 18 years I've been having sex, I've only had one or two that didn't make me want to say "come up here" after a few minutes. I don't think it is a purely skill thing or a block on my part, I consider it to be a simple sexual preference.
posted by Invoke at 9:00 PM on October 11, 2005

fuck the vagina.

Well, YEAH...
posted by spinifex23 at 10:34 PM on October 11, 2005

Mother Hanna and her five lovely daughters do a good job, but they leave you insensitive to other efforts. Of course, no reasonable guy is going to abandon Hanna! Lube her up and use a gentle backhand.

I'm amazed how many have trouble with enjoying their blowjobs. I must not appreciate my own skill, as this has been a very rare problem with my partners. (and has often been a problem for me).

But do remember, your most important sex organ is the one situated inside your skull. Sex is less than 50% a matter of mechanics. Eroticism is in your mind. Your meat swells in response to the turn-on in your head.
posted by Goofyy at 2:34 AM on October 12, 2005

I realise this is not very helpful but a friend came up with this:

Friend: Wait a minute what.
Friend: "I've never had intercourse."
Friend: "as we've gone until we were too tired to do any more, sometimes for over an hour"
Friend: So he made some poor woman suck his dick for over an hour.
Friend: With a blank, indifferent expression.
Friend: This question is many times more fucked up than it first appeared to be.
Friend: The we comment completely changes.
Friend:: From two people fucking but not climaxing to him sitting there motionless as someone works away furiously at his crotch.
posted by Skyanth at 2:50 AM on October 12, 2005

fuck the vagina. try the ass.

Now there's an idea. Maybe see if your girlfriend would be willing to stimulate your anus. Discover what gay men have known forever: loads of really, really fun nerve endings there.
posted by S.C. at 9:28 AM on October 12, 2005

God, "Discover what gay men have known forever..." sounds like a terrible infomercial opener.

Skyanth does bring up a pretty good point: Man, if it ain't happened in, say, half an hour of determined dick sucking, it probably ain't happenin'.
posted by klangklangston at 9:37 AM on October 12, 2005

well, we meant he should try fucking an ass, but getting fucked in the ass is awesome too. if he's having problems coming, though, it might just be distracting.
posted by crabintheocean at 2:49 PM on October 12, 2005

Metafilter: You've never had intercourse? Definitely give it a try.
posted by nanojath at 9:31 PM on October 12, 2005

Get help. Ejaculatory incompetence can be cured by therapy.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:11 PM on March 10, 2006