Help me navigate my anxiety over life changes good and bad
December 5, 2013 8:48 AM Subscribe
Hello, folks. My overthinking tendencies are working overtime as I try to navigate the next few months of my life (job/apartment change, travel?) amidst the fallout of the last few months of my life (end of long term relationship). I can't tell if I'm biting off more than I can chew or if I'm just standing in my own way.
I've been living in my current apartment in Brooklyn for SIXTEEN years. I knew that, when we broke up a few months ago, she would move out and my rent would double - thus making the apartment neither affordable nor the good deal that it has been for such a long time. (It's still under market, but the market in this neighborhood is sufficiently high that it's still too much, considering what I can find if I move to a different - less trendy - neighborhood.) Not wanting to piggy-back major life changes on top of one another, I decided to stay put for a few months, pony up the extra rent, and give myself time to adapt to my new reality. Fortunately I have a job at the moment, so it was okay-ish to absorb the financial hit. Plus - SIXTEEN years! It's longer than I've lived anywhere. I have a community here that won't travel with me.
So - this job that I have ends at the end of December - not terribly shocking, it's the nature of the business (it's a theater gig), and what's more - I have another more promising gig lined up at the end of February. It's a rare situation I find myself in - nearly unprecedented for me - where I have about 6 weeks off with the promise of good work waiting for me. This can only mean one thing - TRAVEL! I sub-let my apartment and go off in search of adventure by my newly single and financially solvent self. (I've traveled alone before and quite like it.)
So I started investigating my options, pricing tickets and such - and lo and behold, it turns out that a flight to India costs essentially the same as a flight to western Europe. Holy shit! What a perfect opportunity to go somewhere I've always wanted to go, take advantage of an extended window of time - and the fact that I don't have any debt, tuition, other mouths to feed, etc. So I book the flight.
At this point I was thinking that I'd ideally move by 2/15 in advance of the beginning of my new job - you know, be settled before it starts. But, in a worst case scenario, I'd stay even as long as 4/1, eating the extra rent, just to have the comfort of not looking for an apartment on a time limit. And since I'd be subletting in January, if I spent the money I WOULD have spent on rent (plus a little more), I'd be guaranteed an amazing adventure in India. All looks good!
So, then it gets tricky. A realtor friend of mine told me what I should have figured out anyway - that finding a place for 2/15 (or even 2/1) is tricky to do too far in advance - the ideal time to be looking is precisely when I'll be away. Then a much bigger problem presents itself - my landlord refused to let me sublet my apartment. (For me it's really important to be above the boards with him - I really don't want to pull anything like not tell him about it, or whatever. He's agreed to let me sublet a few times in the past, so it seemed like a safe assumption that this time would be cool too.)
BUT: all is not lost... the apartment needs LOTS of work, so Landlord agrees to not charge me rent while I'm gone and even stash my stuff here, while he does some of the work. I guess he figured that he couldn't rent the place anyway while the work was being done, so why not be a good guy and hook me up? The only thing is, he'll need a commitment from me as to when I move out. I was hoping for 2 things - to not pay rent while I'm away and to have a comfortable place to crash and look for an apartment when I return. It looks like I can get the former, but the latter remains unclear. (I know that this needs LOTS of clarification - my landlord can be a little tricky in the communication department.)
SO: I'm feeling a little underwater. Any ONE of these things seems like it presents a fair amount of life challenges - moving (especially after so long); changing jobs; planning a big trip (which is a GOOD problem to have - I'm not complaining!); coping with the fallout of a massive relationship. I'm trying to keep my head while navigating all of them together, and I often feel like I'm drowning. But I don't know what to do!
*the trip is totally voluntary and indulgent. I could skip it, scale it back (ie, go somewhere easier than India, for less time - it would probably require eating the ticket, but maybe that's just the right thing to do?)
*I can see the sense of prioritizing moving - it's a big deal especially in NYC, especially considering my proclivity towards option anxiety, it will be a big expense if I use a realtor OR it will take a long time if I do it myself.
*Without retreading too much relationship history, I think what I need in that department in order to recover is to re-establish my own identity HERE, in NYC, with people, activities, etc.
BUT:
*INDIA! I've always wanted to go, and virtually ALL the cards are in place right now (including the financial investment I've made in the ticket.) What better time to travel than in between jobs AND apartments, with the promise of more work right around the corner?
*Perhaps it would be more settling to prioritize my housing situation, but I could also imagine that the worst thing in the world for my at times delicate emotional outlook is to be stuck in dreary NYC in January, with virtually NO work - conducive to dwelling, stewing, being stuck in the past. As opposed to INDIA! Have a life-changing experience!
So - I'm really good at over-thinking, spinning myself in to different scenarios, etc. My emotional compass is all over the place - there are times when I'm just out and out psyched out of my mind to go away, other times where it feels like I'm on a mission to prove something, and that feels like a dubious reason.
Am I biting off more than I can chew? Is moving, traveling, switching jobs all in the same roughly 6 weeks a preposterous notion? What would you do in this situation in order to more methodically deal with everything?
Thanks for listening.
I've been living in my current apartment in Brooklyn for SIXTEEN years. I knew that, when we broke up a few months ago, she would move out and my rent would double - thus making the apartment neither affordable nor the good deal that it has been for such a long time. (It's still under market, but the market in this neighborhood is sufficiently high that it's still too much, considering what I can find if I move to a different - less trendy - neighborhood.) Not wanting to piggy-back major life changes on top of one another, I decided to stay put for a few months, pony up the extra rent, and give myself time to adapt to my new reality. Fortunately I have a job at the moment, so it was okay-ish to absorb the financial hit. Plus - SIXTEEN years! It's longer than I've lived anywhere. I have a community here that won't travel with me.
So - this job that I have ends at the end of December - not terribly shocking, it's the nature of the business (it's a theater gig), and what's more - I have another more promising gig lined up at the end of February. It's a rare situation I find myself in - nearly unprecedented for me - where I have about 6 weeks off with the promise of good work waiting for me. This can only mean one thing - TRAVEL! I sub-let my apartment and go off in search of adventure by my newly single and financially solvent self. (I've traveled alone before and quite like it.)
So I started investigating my options, pricing tickets and such - and lo and behold, it turns out that a flight to India costs essentially the same as a flight to western Europe. Holy shit! What a perfect opportunity to go somewhere I've always wanted to go, take advantage of an extended window of time - and the fact that I don't have any debt, tuition, other mouths to feed, etc. So I book the flight.
At this point I was thinking that I'd ideally move by 2/15 in advance of the beginning of my new job - you know, be settled before it starts. But, in a worst case scenario, I'd stay even as long as 4/1, eating the extra rent, just to have the comfort of not looking for an apartment on a time limit. And since I'd be subletting in January, if I spent the money I WOULD have spent on rent (plus a little more), I'd be guaranteed an amazing adventure in India. All looks good!
So, then it gets tricky. A realtor friend of mine told me what I should have figured out anyway - that finding a place for 2/15 (or even 2/1) is tricky to do too far in advance - the ideal time to be looking is precisely when I'll be away. Then a much bigger problem presents itself - my landlord refused to let me sublet my apartment. (For me it's really important to be above the boards with him - I really don't want to pull anything like not tell him about it, or whatever. He's agreed to let me sublet a few times in the past, so it seemed like a safe assumption that this time would be cool too.)
BUT: all is not lost... the apartment needs LOTS of work, so Landlord agrees to not charge me rent while I'm gone and even stash my stuff here, while he does some of the work. I guess he figured that he couldn't rent the place anyway while the work was being done, so why not be a good guy and hook me up? The only thing is, he'll need a commitment from me as to when I move out. I was hoping for 2 things - to not pay rent while I'm away and to have a comfortable place to crash and look for an apartment when I return. It looks like I can get the former, but the latter remains unclear. (I know that this needs LOTS of clarification - my landlord can be a little tricky in the communication department.)
SO: I'm feeling a little underwater. Any ONE of these things seems like it presents a fair amount of life challenges - moving (especially after so long); changing jobs; planning a big trip (which is a GOOD problem to have - I'm not complaining!); coping with the fallout of a massive relationship. I'm trying to keep my head while navigating all of them together, and I often feel like I'm drowning. But I don't know what to do!
*the trip is totally voluntary and indulgent. I could skip it, scale it back (ie, go somewhere easier than India, for less time - it would probably require eating the ticket, but maybe that's just the right thing to do?)
*I can see the sense of prioritizing moving - it's a big deal especially in NYC, especially considering my proclivity towards option anxiety, it will be a big expense if I use a realtor OR it will take a long time if I do it myself.
*Without retreading too much relationship history, I think what I need in that department in order to recover is to re-establish my own identity HERE, in NYC, with people, activities, etc.
BUT:
*INDIA! I've always wanted to go, and virtually ALL the cards are in place right now (including the financial investment I've made in the ticket.) What better time to travel than in between jobs AND apartments, with the promise of more work right around the corner?
*Perhaps it would be more settling to prioritize my housing situation, but I could also imagine that the worst thing in the world for my at times delicate emotional outlook is to be stuck in dreary NYC in January, with virtually NO work - conducive to dwelling, stewing, being stuck in the past. As opposed to INDIA! Have a life-changing experience!
So - I'm really good at over-thinking, spinning myself in to different scenarios, etc. My emotional compass is all over the place - there are times when I'm just out and out psyched out of my mind to go away, other times where it feels like I'm on a mission to prove something, and that feels like a dubious reason.
Am I biting off more than I can chew? Is moving, traveling, switching jobs all in the same roughly 6 weeks a preposterous notion? What would you do in this situation in order to more methodically deal with everything?
Thanks for listening.
India. But give yourself something to come back to. Don't throw all the cards in the air, no matter how tempting that itch is.
posted by 0 answers at 9:20 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by 0 answers at 9:20 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Stay in your place through 4/1.
It'll be good to come back to familiar digs after a mind-blowing trip, and it'll be easier to adapt to the routine of a new job while you are living in an apartment where you know where everything is, etc. It's only money.
I myself would have some concerns about my living space undergoing major work while I'm away (unless it's just a lot of no-brainer repairs). Having had my place rehab'd by my landlord recently, I had to be on top of those guys 24/7, and shit still went sideways. But if your landlord is a good guy, and you can get a commitment that your stuff will be treated with care AND that you'll be coming back to a place that isn't in an uproar ("Oh sorry bro, the heater is being repaired, give is a week mmmkay?"), then you are probably good. Sorry to add to your overthinking, but watch your ass on that one.
Have a fabulous trip.
posted by nacho fries at 9:21 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
It'll be good to come back to familiar digs after a mind-blowing trip, and it'll be easier to adapt to the routine of a new job while you are living in an apartment where you know where everything is, etc. It's only money.
I myself would have some concerns about my living space undergoing major work while I'm away (unless it's just a lot of no-brainer repairs). Having had my place rehab'd by my landlord recently, I had to be on top of those guys 24/7, and shit still went sideways. But if your landlord is a good guy, and you can get a commitment that your stuff will be treated with care AND that you'll be coming back to a place that isn't in an uproar ("Oh sorry bro, the heater is being repaired, give is a week mmmkay?"), then you are probably good. Sorry to add to your overthinking, but watch your ass on that one.
Have a fabulous trip.
posted by nacho fries at 9:21 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: quick response - it's unclear how flexibly Landlord will be with the end date. I have places to land when I return, crash-situations if nothing else.
posted by fingers_of_fire at 9:56 AM on December 5, 2013
posted by fingers_of_fire at 9:56 AM on December 5, 2013
If you have somewhere to sleep upon your return then just finish your job, store your stuff at the flat, travel, move back into flat or else move your stuff into storage and take as long as it takes to find new place you like.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:59 AM on December 5, 2013
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:59 AM on December 5, 2013
Go to India. Give yourself the chance to have an amazing experience and focus on you. Find your identity again and have some fun. If you can, you should, IMHO.
posted by stubbehtail at 12:05 PM on December 5, 2013
posted by stubbehtail at 12:05 PM on December 5, 2013
Landlord agrees to not charge me rent while I'm gone
They haven't agreed not to charge you rent if you don't go to India.
You've already bought the ticket.
I hear it can be very cheap to travel in India. Might be cheaper to go to India than to pay rent.
Store all your small valuables and fragile or especially sentimental items somewhere else while you're gone, and put you things somewhere out of the way while work is being done.
posted by yohko at 12:13 PM on December 5, 2013
They haven't agreed not to charge you rent if you don't go to India.
You've already bought the ticket.
I hear it can be very cheap to travel in India. Might be cheaper to go to India than to pay rent.
Store all your small valuables and fragile or especially sentimental items somewhere else while you're gone, and put you things somewhere out of the way while work is being done.
posted by yohko at 12:13 PM on December 5, 2013
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While housing is tricky in NY, it's not impossible. Also, just get the word out that you're looking.
Go to India, return to your apartment, continue to work your network and you'll find something upon your return.
You knew you were going to have to find a place in the same time frame anyhow.
Whether you have a subletter or your landlord agrees not to charge you rent, you don't have to pay rent while you're going.
Either you were coming back to your place at full price, or you had to have something lined up for your return.
So, re-budget to allow for another month in your old place, but start putting it out there that you need a place for 3/1/2014.
The other option is to take in someone when you return, who will sleep on your sofa for a while, until you find a place you can swing on your own.
If you don't have a lease, I think in NY you only need to give 2 weeks notice. But do check that out.
Go to India. I've never regretted traveling.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:58 AM on December 5, 2013