Should I have casual gay sex?
November 29, 2013 1:54 AM   Subscribe

I’m a 28 year old gay guy. Up until recently I had never considered the idea of having casual sex until now. Should I and if so how?

Until last year I had never even kissed a guy (or girl for that matter) as I was basically kind of shy about being gay and not that sexually adventurous. However, based on the advice of a friend, I decided it was time I get out there, find true love, and live life to the fullest.

I signed up for Internet dating, and I did manage to meet someone who I seemed to click with. We had a brief one month long friendship/psuedo-relationship in which I spent the night at his place once. This particular night was really awkward, we just did oral and I didn't even get off. Because it turns out we had a major personality clash in the end, I went on my way looking for Mr. Right.

I had never considered hooking up with anyone as I figured I was in it for love, that hooking up was risky, and that it maybe wasn’t me. At some point, however, I think I changed my mind. I think the never ending stream of guys wanting to hookup with me on this internet dating site got me thinking, maybe it’d be kind of hot.

I wouldn’t want to go full on promiscuity, but I'm thinking maybe hooking up with someone once just for fun, the experience and to get it out of my system so to speak. There are still a few boyfriend/long term relationship candidates, but I guess in a weird way that's motivating me think maybe I should do casual while I’m still relatively young and single.

I’m not 100% sure yet though. I do have a kind of sexually conservative history – I guess I used to view casual as a hedonistic "somehow not wholesome" thing. However, I can't really find any strong moral problems with it, and I kind of like the idea of being a little bit naughty. At the same time, I don't know, maybe it's better to reserve sex for someone special?

There’s also the question of whether it’d really be good and worth the trouble. Would I feel satisfied or just a bit dirty at the end? It’s hot in my fantasy, but I can also see one leaving the whole exchange with a kind of hollow empty feeling.

The other major concern for me is safety. I think that’s really what’s persuaded me not to do this in the past. I know it's kind of a risky thing, and I more than likely would limit it to oral and not anal; anal seems to be higher risk behavior, and if I did do it, it’d be nice to do it with someone special anyway.

While in the past I would say any risk of getting something like HIV would be too high, I read one of those public health brochures which seem to suggest that oral was very low risk. So maybe it’s relatively safe after all? I guess I would appreciate tips on how to minimize the risk and stay safe.

I imagine a key way to do this would be to pick a person who practices safe sex. I wonder if this is possible. How does one find a partner who’s not a jerk and who is clean. I think my plan would be to get on one those dating sites, indicate I’m looking for sex, and then ask potential suitors about their sexual history (like how busy they've been sexually, do they do bareback sex). Is there anything else I should try or a different strategy?

So I guess I can see a lot of potential issues, but at the same time it could be fun, and seems like most gay people are doing it. I suppose I just don't want to do something I'll regret, or not do something I'll regret for that matter. I know most of my colleagues have sex without thinking too much about it, but figure it's somewhat of a big thing so worth a metafilter!
posted by lifeliver7 to Human Relations (15 answers total)

 
The good news is that if you hate casual sex, you can stop doing it immediately. You can make your choice day by day. I would encourage you to go for it, since you sound intrigued. I had casual sex when I was younger and found it wasn't for me. I have no regrets about the experiment.

Your ad could include your safer sex requirements. Perhaps someone more knowledgeable about queer male sex has more information about how it is usually done.
posted by studioaudience at 2:16 AM on November 29, 2013


You sound very sensible and appropriately cautious; but there's some truth in the view that long-term you'll regret the opportunities you didn't take more than the ones that didn't work out.
posted by Segundus at 2:38 AM on November 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


IMO, fucking strangers requires advanced-level fucking communication skills in order for both people to have fun and stay safe. While you can learn these skills the hard way (hahaha) it might be easier and more fun to acquire them with people with whom you have a better baseline of trust and communication. How about fooling around with people you already know, or having a casual relationship?

Try not to break anyone's heart while you are at it though, or to bring down some kind of destructive drama whirlwind onto your existing friend group.

(disclaimer: while I enjoy screwing men I am not one myself).
posted by emilyw at 3:01 AM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Hi; another heterosexual male here, I'm afraid. I think you should. You are aware of the need for safe sex (kudos), and keeping that up front as your fuck-deal-breaker requirement is sensible.

I had several years of casual sex in the latter half of my twenties; it's been more relationship-sex since. It was partially to catch up, partially as had/have a raging libido but was inexperienced about how to use it, and partially was in a good situation. Regrets: non.

Even with just the casual sex, as a by-product you get to learn a heck of a lot about people, people's needs, your own needs (you may surprise yourself), and you get to carry this knowledge through into relationships. So, so long as you stay safe, yourself and future relationship partners get to benefit from an excellent period of general rutting.

Enjoy!
posted by Wordshore at 3:24 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yes. Have sex with as many people as you want to. You'll find some of them to be really special to you. Some won't be. Some of your early sexual experiences will be awkward. You're inexperienced. It works like that.

Try to get the "somehow not wholesome" thing completely out of your system. Are you sure it's not just a bit of internalised homophobia?
posted by aychedee at 3:30 AM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Everyone is having sex.

I totally think you should try it. It'll be a good way to explore your feelings about your sexuality and its a interesting way to learn about people.

Yes, be safe and responsible. I'm sure there are tons of resources out there about how to have safe sex, so educate yourself and include a mention your requirement in your ad.

A lot of the questions you have can best be answered by experience. After you've had some different experiences you will have a better idea of what you want and what works for you, and this information will be very useful in dating and finding Mr. Right.

Just be careful to observe your feelings about sex, afterwards. You said a lot of people don't think about it very much, but you do - so you may feel regret or guilt or other negative emotions aftewards, in which case you'll want to figure out why.

I'm not really sure how this works emotionally for a gay male, but I know for many years sex was confusing for me, especially in regard to dating and having sex or not having sex, and that after coming out of a 2 year relationship, sex has finally become something totally normal and healthy that I don't have to think about too much (apart from the safe sex logistics).

Also, I'm pretty sure you can't "ruin" that future special sex by having casual sex. Sex isn't something you give away and can never get back. It's more like a conversation. It's a new, different experience each time. When you meet someone special and eventually do it, it'll be really special because it's with that person. It really feels that different.

After sex you should feel happy, relaxed, alive and fortunate, and that's all.

And yes, I agree with emilyw. Casual sex with total strangers is really really risky and awkward, and if you look around, I'm sure you'll find friends or acquaintances that would be happy to get closer to you.

Be safe, and have fun!
posted by Locochona at 3:30 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Locochona: Everyone is having sex.
A vast preponderance of people, absolutely, but not everyone.

That said, I agree with pretty much everything that has been said here -- make sure you know what you want, be careful, follow the campsite rule (as promoted by Dan Savage, endeavor to leave people as well or better than you found them), stop whenever you like.

Good luck and have fun!
posted by a series of tube socks at 3:47 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


It is not either you look for a relationship or you hook up. Many one night stands turn into one month stands turn into let's move in together stands turn into will you marry me stands.

But I think your concern about STI's is causing a bunch of needless anxiety. Oh, it is a big deal and needs to inform many of your sexual decisions, but if you learn a few basic rules you should be alright. Go to your local AIDS resource center and find out when they have classes. Their approach will be more gay guy centric and so is preferable but if none is around go to Planned Parenthood.

Good luck. Have fun. Play safe.
posted by munchingzombie at 6:44 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


It seems that you have a clear sense of what you want out of hookups, which for starters is a good thing. The casual thing can have a lot of upsides if you can navigate some of the trickier aspects of the whole thing. The easiest places to get a casual hookup are the online sites and apps (I'd avoid the Craigslist listings--way too sketchy), and so my comments are directed mostly to those sources.

Five notes of caution and one note of encouragement:

First, there are a lot of not-nice people out there, especially on the dating/hook-up sites, who are eager to take advantage of newbies. Profiles can be exaggerated or falsified, photos can be old or taken from a "flattering" angle, and some guys will answer in whatever way they feel will get you to hookup with them (rather than the truth). Then, once you meet in person, such people will hope that you will overlook the clear discrepancies in the profiles and do it anyway. :-/ My own experience, and the experience of many of my friends, is that there is a high rate of no-shows, cancellations, or other manufactured delays. (The face-to-face encounters [such as bars and clubs] can greatly reduce these perils--although you may not be the bar/club-type.) So you will need to develop skills to weed out the bad from the good *before* you meet them in person.

Second, the nature of the hookup culture is highly superficial, so you will have to be prepared to deal with superficiality (summary judgments are made about your body, appearance, dress and grooming, race, age, even the make and model of your car). In the hookup world, the main objective is getting off, with a underemphasis on personality and people skills! You may have to make a blunt assessment of yourself to see where you fit in the spectrum and then adjust your expectations accordingly. Younger, built guys have a higher "desirability" factor than older, less-fit ones. Therefore, you'll need to develop a think skin to weather the rough judgments of others. Conversely, you should also decide what "types" you are into and not feel pressured to meet up with anyone who doesn't meet your own measurements. (In other words, it's okay for you to be superficial too!)

Third, have a clear sense of what you will and won't do--and stick to it. For example, some people have a "hands only" or "no kissing" policy for their casual hookups. Having your policies fixed, and making them clear before the hookup, will help you avoid awkward situations. Also, by making your policies clear upfront means that you can call someone out if they try to overstep your rules (and there are guys who will agree to hands-only and then try for something more). So you'll need to decide early on what your rules are and plan to stick by them no matter what!

Fourth, personal safety. Unless you're the type of person who enjoys a bit of danger with their hookups (and there are some), you'll need to be aware of the ways to keep you safe. In order of safety, the three options for meeting your hookup are in public, at your place, or at his place. You'll need to decide which of those options you are comfortable with--there are pluses and minuses for each. The main thing to keep in mind is that you should feel completely comfortable and in control of your environment. (For example, meeting at your place means you're in control of the environment; however, that also means he knows where you live). Actual hookups in public have their own level of legal risk as well, so that would need to be considered.

Fifth, health. As far as health goes . . . well, guys will lie about their health, so you'll need to have a level of vigilance. Safe sex always! In addition, you should be able to recognize the telltale signs of STDs (visible genital sores, for example) and at least make some effort to check out the hookup's body before any contact occurs. (I have a friend who would even excuse himself to use the bathroom then check the medicine cabinet to see what kind of medication was inside.) I'd be very, very suspicious about any guy who refused to turn on any lights as a precursor to a hookup. It's sad to think that some guys are more concerned about their getting off than your health, but that's the real world, I'm afraid.

Fifth, don't be afraid to walk away if you feel anything is amiss. You have the absolute right to end a hookup at any point. It's your body, your genitals, and your body fluids--although some guys will act as if you owe them something. Really, you don't. The casualness of the hookup culture works both ways: the hookup can be casual, and you can be casual too!

Note of encouragement: Okay--I hope that list hasn't completely scared you off! As I wrote earlier, there are a lot of upsides to the hookup culture, really and truly. It can be fun to explore new people and new types--figuring out what you want, and not feeling compelled to settle down until you're ready. You can feel a sense of your own power and explore some of those fantasy ideas you've been dying to try out. If done right, the casual hookup thing can be a nice diversion and the source of a lot of interesting encounters.
posted by Quaversalis at 7:05 AM on November 29, 2013 [11 favorites]


I think you're getting a lot of "woo go for it!" advice, so I'll just chime in as someone who is not emotionally able to deal with hook-up culture. A lot of the concerns you wrote are concerns I had (and have), and aren't really being taken into consideration by those who are happy with hooking up.

If you believe that there's a chance you would leave a random hook-up feeling "hollow" and unhappy with the experience, well, then that could happen. Certainly that's what I got out of it.

There is a ton of pressure in the gay world, particularly for men, for casual sex. And I know gay men who really enjoy it, and I know gay men who don't. And the ones who don't will often spend long circular conversations questioning it because of all the pressure to just do it. Like monogamy/polyamory, you just have to know yourself and trust that you know what you want.

And if you do try hooking up and it turns out poorly, well, that's ok too. Now you know! I don't regret it (I sure as hell would if I'd picked up anything, but thankfully didn't), just filed it in my ever expanding folder of vaguely unpleasant memories I hope I learn from. Life goes on.

My main advice is that if you are not strong enough to get up and leave as soon as you decide you aren't into it, then don't do it. Some people are people pleasers even at the expense of their own self. That's a skill you really need to be able to lean on before you start testing other limits.
posted by Dynex at 11:12 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'll second what Quaversalis said above. It's really very good advice.

I agree that one of the more important things during casual sex is to be able to set and firmly hold to boundaries. However, if you're not good at that yet, it's also a skill that can be learned. You can practice, for example, flirting at a club but not letting it go farther, or agreeing to kiss someone but then stopping before going home with them, or being very up-front in your profile or when chatting online about what you will vs. absolutely won't do. It's totally fine to just get dressed and leave, or close the chat window, or walk away from the bar and get into a cab alone! And practicing in other areas of life helps also - saying "no" if someone invites you to something you really don't want to go to, turning down requests for extra or volunteer work without apologizing, etc.

Being explicit about boundaries is also a great way to get a feel for whether someone is going to always be testing you or if they will be respectful. You'd be surprised at the number of dudes out there who think they can guilt and whine their way into whatever sex act they're in the mood for (a., not sexy; b. gross; c. disrespectful). Fortunately, there are also guys out there who are very respectful of others' boundaries and who recognize that feeling safe and secure is liberating and sexy.

And here I'm going to trot out the old AskMe standby and put in a plug for a good queer-friendly therapist. A lot of gay people end up associating sex with being gross, unclean, disease-riddled, etc. due to cultural programming we get growing up, and that can often lead to behaviors that are a little analogous to anorexia or bulimia - e.g., never letting yourself be sexual with someone at all, or binging on sex to escape bad feelings and then flagellating yourself afterwards. Therapy can help you explore how to make decisions about sex that are based not just on your learned and automatic emotional associations, but instead on the values you actually hold as an adult with agency.
posted by en forme de poire at 1:04 PM on November 29, 2013


I have something to add to the safety list - I recommend no alcohol to be involved in at least the initial hookup with a person. I honestly think it would be safer to only hook up with friends, rather than finding strangers on the internet. My perspective is colored by being an ER doctor and seeing the dark side of things. A while back I had a patient who had gone to a casual hookup she had arranged with a stranger, had a drink once she got there, blacked out and the next thing she knew she had been picked up by the police while wandering the streets in a daze. She didn't have anyone who could come pick her up at 4am and her wallet and cell phone were gone (she didn't have anyone's phone number memorized except her parents, and she didn't want to call them from the ER at 4am for obvious reasons). This patient was very nice and I felt for her and wished she didn't end up in that situation. This could happen to a person of any gender. I think it's a good cautionary tale for anyone hitting the hookup scene.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:13 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Treehorn, I appreciate your input into this thread and agree that you want to avoid alcohol, or really any drink poured by your host. It's also a good idea to leave a note on your desk with the phone number and address of the person you're meeting, and to meet in public first.

I do want to add though that this scenario is still very rare (around 6 major incidents per year according to this source, though underreporting is certainly an issue). And of course while it could certainly happen to anyone of any gender, unfortunately, "normal" dating or even being in an established relationship do not totally immunize you against sexual assault.

Ultimately it's up to you to weigh the risks and rewards, of course.
posted by en forme de poire at 6:24 PM on November 29, 2013


I tried doing this and I feel like an asshole when a girl I was hooking up ended liking me and I didn't really care about her at all. Maybe that won't happen if you are finding partners who just looking for hook-ups and/or one-night stands. You're going to want to be sure you're not leading anyone on. And even if you're up front about your intentions, you'll need to cut things off if someone starts to get emotionally involved and you're not interested -- for his sake. (I'm a lesbian, if this is at all relevant.)

Obviously, you're going to want to be careful in terms of STDs and in going to random dudes houses. Be safe.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:22 PM on November 29, 2013


Hook up culture can be pretty tricky to navigate and it'll take you a few tries to get a feel for it. And it the sort of thing you have to feel. You will learn how to read people and have to make many quick judgements about them to decide whether or not you want to sleep with them. Luckily you can weed out a lot of assholes by being upfront about what your rules are and what you expect. You want to play safe, so anyone that reacts negatively when your tell them that you can kick right the hell out.

There will be a few encounters that you will probably regret. Please do not be afraid to walk out on someone the second you feel uncomfortable with them. As you learn you will pick up skills on how to handle things, but it's best to error on the side of caution and listen when your brain is telling you to run.

All that said, hook ups can be a lot of fun. Since you're just starting out I would probably suggest you try setting up dates on an app instead of trolling the bar closing crowd. The more time you spend getting to know a person the better you can make that decision to jump into bed with them. Message a cute guy a couple of times for a few days and try to get to know them like you're making new friends. If things seem alright, set up a date to meet at a bar or coffee shop or something. If they seem as sexy there as they did when you first thought you wanted to message them, well then you are set.

The more time you have to suss out a person the better off you'll be, but once you get the skills you can move up to the more advanced and sometimes more sketchy hook ups if you want. Stay far away from any man who wants to be "discreet" or who is in the closet. You won't have that much fun with those folks, they seem to have serious issues with their sexuality that makes sex stressful. Closeted hook up culture can be very fucked up and sad.

I think casual sex was a useful activity for me, I learned a lot about what I liked and didn't like in bed and in people. I picked up a bunch of confidence as I learned that I could meet a guy that found me attractive, and we could have sex and it could be a lot of fun. That experience then helped me when I was looking for relationships, because I knew what I was looking for. It can be risky business though, be alert.
posted by grizzly at 8:31 AM on December 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


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