How to deal with disappointment and sadness?
November 27, 2013 9:09 AM Subscribe
I've been involved in a long distance relationship for years. I live on one side of the country and he lives on the other. We don't see each other as often as I'd like for us to and I constantly deal with sadness and disappointment because of that. What can I do to combat these feelings?
I'm dealing with a myriad of personal issues, as my previous AskMe questions will attest, and this feels like the emotional icing on the cake. Plans for the holidays for the two of us have fallen through and I'm finding that I'm so depressed and disappointed that getting out of bed is a painful chore.
I knew that he wouldn't make it here for Thanksgiving but I've just found out that he now has a nice time with friends planned tomorrow and I just want to throw my head on my desk and cry. This is not a normal response and I recognize this. I should not begrudge him the right to have a good time, but as I will be trying to hide from family I would rather not see instead of spending the holiday with the person I love, I'm having a hard time not feeling depressed.
Is there some mature way to handle my feelings so that I don't make him feel terrible for enjoying his holiday? How can I stop myself from feeling so sad and disappointed? I don't like feeling this way and I'd like to not have my overly emotional state affect him or his moods.
I'm dealing with a myriad of personal issues, as my previous AskMe questions will attest, and this feels like the emotional icing on the cake. Plans for the holidays for the two of us have fallen through and I'm finding that I'm so depressed and disappointed that getting out of bed is a painful chore.
I knew that he wouldn't make it here for Thanksgiving but I've just found out that he now has a nice time with friends planned tomorrow and I just want to throw my head on my desk and cry. This is not a normal response and I recognize this. I should not begrudge him the right to have a good time, but as I will be trying to hide from family I would rather not see instead of spending the holiday with the person I love, I'm having a hard time not feeling depressed.
Is there some mature way to handle my feelings so that I don't make him feel terrible for enjoying his holiday? How can I stop myself from feeling so sad and disappointed? I don't like feeling this way and I'd like to not have my overly emotional state affect him or his moods.
Best answer: and I just want to throw my head on my desk and cry. This is not a normal response and I recognize this.
No, it is a completely normal response.
posted by Melismata at 9:25 AM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
No, it is a completely normal response.
posted by Melismata at 9:25 AM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'm going to tell you something you don't want to hear.
LDR's are temporary. They don't drag on for years. That's not a relationship, it's a reason not to commit.
If either of you were serious about wanting to be together, it would have happened by now. Being in an LDR is not the same as being in the same place. Relationships only age when you're together physically in the same place.
So if you have been in an LDR for 5 years, but have only been together in the same zip code for a total of 90 days out of that time, guess what? You've only been together for 3 months. The rest has been mental masturbation.
Husbunny and I were LDR for a few months, when we got serious, he moved to be with me. Then we got married.
It's very romantic to be in an LDR. You have highs when you see each other and low, sweet longing when you're apart. It's more exciting and fun than a regular relationship. When you ARE together, it's so special that you don't let the everyday and mundane creep in. How many times have you asked your SO to clean the cat box? Never. That's how many times.
LDRs are a fine way to start, but NO relationship flourished for real under the conditions of an LDR.
Let's evaluate this. Someone's needs are being met in this thing, I don't think they're yours.
So call around, someone in your friend circle is hosting strays for the holiday. Make plans to be with those folks.
You may also want to make plans to find a real relationship in the new year. Life is too short for this bullshit.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:27 AM on November 27, 2013 [44 favorites]
LDR's are temporary. They don't drag on for years. That's not a relationship, it's a reason not to commit.
If either of you were serious about wanting to be together, it would have happened by now. Being in an LDR is not the same as being in the same place. Relationships only age when you're together physically in the same place.
So if you have been in an LDR for 5 years, but have only been together in the same zip code for a total of 90 days out of that time, guess what? You've only been together for 3 months. The rest has been mental masturbation.
Husbunny and I were LDR for a few months, when we got serious, he moved to be with me. Then we got married.
It's very romantic to be in an LDR. You have highs when you see each other and low, sweet longing when you're apart. It's more exciting and fun than a regular relationship. When you ARE together, it's so special that you don't let the everyday and mundane creep in. How many times have you asked your SO to clean the cat box? Never. That's how many times.
LDRs are a fine way to start, but NO relationship flourished for real under the conditions of an LDR.
Let's evaluate this. Someone's needs are being met in this thing, I don't think they're yours.
So call around, someone in your friend circle is hosting strays for the holiday. Make plans to be with those folks.
You may also want to make plans to find a real relationship in the new year. Life is too short for this bullshit.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:27 AM on November 27, 2013 [44 favorites]
Best answer: How can I stop myself from feeling so sad and disappointed?
Ask yourself if this relationship is really worth feeling this low. It might be more of a source of sadness/disappointment/anger than it is a source of joy and happiness. I know this is tough, but it is dragging you down and it shouldn't.
I say this as someone who had a LDR. In my opinion both partners must equally want to be in that relationship and both have to work for it. If one is using the other for emotional support when they need it but doesn't work towards the relationship, it is not going to end happily ever after. Also, being long distance for multiple years is hard. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?
I agree with headnsouth that you should do some activity. I challenge you to do something you wanted to do for a really long time but always delayed because of -reasons-. Do it now! It will feel great to cross it off your mental to do list. It will break the cycle of sadness and will bring some new experiences.
And lastly, if you decide to stick with this relationship, it will give you something to talk about with your partner. Avoid telling them how unhappy you are and how disappointed you are they chose to spend the day with friends instead of you. Just tell them about the great thing you did and say: "Hope your day was as great as mine!".
posted by travelwithcats at 9:35 AM on November 27, 2013
Ask yourself if this relationship is really worth feeling this low. It might be more of a source of sadness/disappointment/anger than it is a source of joy and happiness. I know this is tough, but it is dragging you down and it shouldn't.
I say this as someone who had a LDR. In my opinion both partners must equally want to be in that relationship and both have to work for it. If one is using the other for emotional support when they need it but doesn't work towards the relationship, it is not going to end happily ever after. Also, being long distance for multiple years is hard. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?
I agree with headnsouth that you should do some activity. I challenge you to do something you wanted to do for a really long time but always delayed because of -reasons-. Do it now! It will feel great to cross it off your mental to do list. It will break the cycle of sadness and will bring some new experiences.
And lastly, if you decide to stick with this relationship, it will give you something to talk about with your partner. Avoid telling them how unhappy you are and how disappointed you are they chose to spend the day with friends instead of you. Just tell them about the great thing you did and say: "Hope your day was as great as mine!".
posted by travelwithcats at 9:35 AM on November 27, 2013
Best answer: NO relationship flourished for real under the conditions of an LDR.
This is an opinion about which reasonable people disagree. I have been in an LDR (or maybe a medium-distance R is more accurate) for a while and for the forseeable future. It works and is perfect for me and my SO. Not saying it would be perfect for everyone, but part of this calculus has to include what you are looking for in a relationship and whether you are getting that from this one.
So, plans fall through sometimes, sure. However there are ways to manage expectations and deal with these sorts of things so that it's clear that even if the unexpected happens, people are accurately and compassionately prioritizing one another. My read on what you've written is that you may not feel like this is the case, that this relationship may be providing some balm for what is otherwise a frustrating and challenging time in your life right now and the reverse may not be true and you feel like maybe you are not getting the support you need. That's just my read and it may not be correct, but it might be worth some introspection to see if one of the reasons this turn of events is making you more despondent than you feel is reasonable is because it's not just about the singular plans falling through, perhaps.
So in the meantime, it's actually okay to spend Thanksgiving/Hannukah in bed recharging and taking care of yourself, or doing a thing that you enjoy, whatever that might be. One of the realities about LDRs is that you have to be able to be independent, and sometimes on short notice. That may not be how you want to be in a relationship and that is a totally okay way to feel as well. So it's fine to feel sad while at the same time acknowledging that the situation is making you sad but that doesn't (necessarily) mean that your partner is the one doing that. Take some time over this weekend and think about what could or should go differently next time and try to connect with your partner in some personal you+them way (that is not full of moping if at all possible) to help you feel connected even if you are at a distance.
posted by jessamyn at 9:42 AM on November 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
This is an opinion about which reasonable people disagree. I have been in an LDR (or maybe a medium-distance R is more accurate) for a while and for the forseeable future. It works and is perfect for me and my SO. Not saying it would be perfect for everyone, but part of this calculus has to include what you are looking for in a relationship and whether you are getting that from this one.
So, plans fall through sometimes, sure. However there are ways to manage expectations and deal with these sorts of things so that it's clear that even if the unexpected happens, people are accurately and compassionately prioritizing one another. My read on what you've written is that you may not feel like this is the case, that this relationship may be providing some balm for what is otherwise a frustrating and challenging time in your life right now and the reverse may not be true and you feel like maybe you are not getting the support you need. That's just my read and it may not be correct, but it might be worth some introspection to see if one of the reasons this turn of events is making you more despondent than you feel is reasonable is because it's not just about the singular plans falling through, perhaps.
So in the meantime, it's actually okay to spend Thanksgiving/Hannukah in bed recharging and taking care of yourself, or doing a thing that you enjoy, whatever that might be. One of the realities about LDRs is that you have to be able to be independent, and sometimes on short notice. That may not be how you want to be in a relationship and that is a totally okay way to feel as well. So it's fine to feel sad while at the same time acknowledging that the situation is making you sad but that doesn't (necessarily) mean that your partner is the one doing that. Take some time over this weekend and think about what could or should go differently next time and try to connect with your partner in some personal you+them way (that is not full of moping if at all possible) to help you feel connected even if you are at a distance.
posted by jessamyn at 9:42 AM on November 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
You probably don't want to hear this, but there are some people for whom a long distance relationship doesn't work. You can love someone and want to be with them and have it not work out because being apart makes you miserable.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:47 AM on November 27, 2013
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:47 AM on November 27, 2013
Best answer: "I don't like feeling this way and I'd like to not have my overly emotional state affect him or his moods."
Setting aside the long distance struggle for a moment: when two people love each other they are both affected by one another's emotional states; and that is a good thing because a good relationship is where you go to escape the stress and hassle of everyday life, not generate more of it. His mood should be affected insofar as he should recognize that you are disappointed, apologize, and find a way to make it up to you and/or generally let you know that you are loved and valued and he wishes you a good holiday. That's what good partners do for each other, I think. You support someone when they are down as well as enjoy the Good Times together.
To echo Melismata: you are having a normal response. Wanting him to empathize w/ and recognise what you are feeling is normal too.
posted by zdravo at 9:47 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Setting aside the long distance struggle for a moment: when two people love each other they are both affected by one another's emotional states; and that is a good thing because a good relationship is where you go to escape the stress and hassle of everyday life, not generate more of it. His mood should be affected insofar as he should recognize that you are disappointed, apologize, and find a way to make it up to you and/or generally let you know that you are loved and valued and he wishes you a good holiday. That's what good partners do for each other, I think. You support someone when they are down as well as enjoy the Good Times together.
To echo Melismata: you are having a normal response. Wanting him to empathize w/ and recognise what you are feeling is normal too.
posted by zdravo at 9:47 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
LDR's are temporary. They don't drag on for years. That's not a relationship, it's a reason not to commit
This.
posted by rr at 9:52 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
This.
posted by rr at 9:52 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: According to your post history, you have been in this LDR since like 2008 and were planning to move from America to Australia sometime in 2010 or 2011. It is now almost 2014 and it doesn't sound like you've got any plans to move there, or that he has any plans to move here. How much longer can you see this going on? Is this relationship giving you what you need anymore? Because a relationship that leads to sobbing on holidays is not ideal or good for your mental health.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:54 AM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:54 AM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: When I was in an LDR and disappointment of this sort occurred, this is how I dealt with it:
1) Give myself an hour to absolutely give in to the feelings. Want to put your head down on your desk and cry? Find a private space and have a good cry! I mean a really good cry. The kind where you can't go out in public for two hours afterwards. It usually helps me clear out the worst of it. I do worse when I try to hold it all in. Crying lets me get the worst of the emotions out so I can think more clearly. It's cathartic.
2) I'm with jessamyn and headnsouth. If it were me, given my hobbies, I'd
a) find a really long book I've been meaning to read, and get some nice new tea, and have a tea and book pajamas weekend
b) Find a new park to explore
c) Find a new knitting or crochet pattern to work on
d) Plan my spring garden
These are all activities I love, and don't get enough time to work on.
3) If any friends are around (I know a lot of people go elsewhere during the weekend), see if you can have dinner or see a movie with them.
Best of luck to you. Disappointment hurts.
posted by RogueTech at 9:58 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
1) Give myself an hour to absolutely give in to the feelings. Want to put your head down on your desk and cry? Find a private space and have a good cry! I mean a really good cry. The kind where you can't go out in public for two hours afterwards. It usually helps me clear out the worst of it. I do worse when I try to hold it all in. Crying lets me get the worst of the emotions out so I can think more clearly. It's cathartic.
2) I'm with jessamyn and headnsouth. If it were me, given my hobbies, I'd
a) find a really long book I've been meaning to read, and get some nice new tea, and have a tea and book pajamas weekend
b) Find a new park to explore
c) Find a new knitting or crochet pattern to work on
d) Plan my spring garden
These are all activities I love, and don't get enough time to work on.
3) If any friends are around (I know a lot of people go elsewhere during the weekend), see if you can have dinner or see a movie with them.
Best of luck to you. Disappointment hurts.
posted by RogueTech at 9:58 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Hi BrianJ, I was checking out your previous questions, and I sense a lot of "stuckness" in your life. You are involved with somebody on the other side of the world (Australia, right?), and have been for five years. What have the two of you been planning? What is keeping you together this long? If there has been no definitive plan of action, then what do *you* want to do with your life? What do you want from this relationship? From any relationship? If your needs aren't being met, it's ok to say, "I want more." Even if you thought at the beginning that you would be fine with an LDR, it's perfectly acceptable to change your mind at any point, and say that your needs have changed. (On preview, what showbiz_liz says.)
It's ok to want your partner to be with you on holidays, and it's totally fine to be upset if plans change.
If you are in the NYC area, I am sure there would be plenty of Mefites who would be happy to meet up over the holiday weekend (myself included).
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 10:00 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's ok to want your partner to be with you on holidays, and it's totally fine to be upset if plans change.
If you are in the NYC area, I am sure there would be plenty of Mefites who would be happy to meet up over the holiday weekend (myself included).
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 10:00 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Folks, the OP said: "I live on one side of the country and he lives on the other."
posted by travelwithcats at 10:11 AM on November 27, 2013
posted by travelwithcats at 10:11 AM on November 27, 2013
Best answer: My boyfriend lives only two hours away from me and even so I sometimes feel exactly the way you do- frustrated, sad and alone; with this what I mean to say is that it's okay to feel whatever you do, it's fine, it's legitimate. Want to know why? Because it's normal to want to spend time with your SO, to want to be able to enjoy silly little things together, experience your everyday life with him/her, go on a holiday/trip and not have that be something that's almost always impossible and, even when it is indeed possible, a lot of work and planning ahead and frustration. Stop feeling guilty and thinking you're not being mature enough about this or are just overly emotional- what you're going through is OKAY and doesn't make you a bad person or a bad partner.
With this out of the way, I would deal with it by going out and doing something on your own; for instance, I plan to go ice-skating {which I've been wanting to for years} during the holiday season to compensate for my likely lack of quality time with the boyfriend. Something that usually makes me feel better when I feel like this is talking to other people- be it friends you can vent to or strangers you meet while you're enjoying your favourite cappuccino in the very cute coffe shop you seldom go to. Treat yourself in whatever way you see fit, bonus points if you manage to be sociable and keep your mind off the situation in the meantime. A movie at the cinema usually does help too- it makes you forget all about yourself, giving you an excuse to eat delicious popcorn or chips and being among people all the while.
What I mean to say is...if you really think this is worth it, you have to get used to the idea that you'll have to be independent and do a lot more things- things you usually would do and/or would rather do with your SO- on your own. This is also why I think it's hard for really long distance relationships to go on without a precise goal and timeline to move closer together...but that's for you to decide. Best of luck to you.
posted by opalshards at 10:56 AM on November 27, 2013
With this out of the way, I would deal with it by going out and doing something on your own; for instance, I plan to go ice-skating {which I've been wanting to for years} during the holiday season to compensate for my likely lack of quality time with the boyfriend. Something that usually makes me feel better when I feel like this is talking to other people- be it friends you can vent to or strangers you meet while you're enjoying your favourite cappuccino in the very cute coffe shop you seldom go to. Treat yourself in whatever way you see fit, bonus points if you manage to be sociable and keep your mind off the situation in the meantime. A movie at the cinema usually does help too- it makes you forget all about yourself, giving you an excuse to eat delicious popcorn or chips and being among people all the while.
What I mean to say is...if you really think this is worth it, you have to get used to the idea that you'll have to be independent and do a lot more things- things you usually would do and/or would rather do with your SO- on your own. This is also why I think it's hard for really long distance relationships to go on without a precise goal and timeline to move closer together...but that's for you to decide. Best of luck to you.
posted by opalshards at 10:56 AM on November 27, 2013
Best answer: Is there some mature way to handle my feelings so that I don't make him feel terrible for enjoying his holiday?
Keep yourself busy. Stop hiding from the world and participate. He can't be your world if he's not present for it. So you need to expand what your world is.
How can I stop myself from feeling so sad and disappointed?
You can't. Feelings don't always make sense and they often just demand to be felt and experienced. You're feeling sad you're not with the guy you love. That's normal. Own up to it and feel it.
I don't like feeling this way and I'd like to not have my overly emotional state affect him or his moods.
Then decide to fix it. Commit. Set a deadline for yourself to move to where he is or he comes to you. Some people can do LDRs better than others. Clearly you're over it and want to be with him. That's not wrong. What is wrong is doing the same thing and hoping you'll feel differently.
posted by inturnaround at 11:13 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Keep yourself busy. Stop hiding from the world and participate. He can't be your world if he's not present for it. So you need to expand what your world is.
How can I stop myself from feeling so sad and disappointed?
You can't. Feelings don't always make sense and they often just demand to be felt and experienced. You're feeling sad you're not with the guy you love. That's normal. Own up to it and feel it.
I don't like feeling this way and I'd like to not have my overly emotional state affect him or his moods.
Then decide to fix it. Commit. Set a deadline for yourself to move to where he is or he comes to you. Some people can do LDRs better than others. Clearly you're over it and want to be with him. That's not wrong. What is wrong is doing the same thing and hoping you'll feel differently.
posted by inturnaround at 11:13 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I used to be very in control of my emotions before I started therapy. Then I found myself collapsed in tears on the couch one day and it freaked me out. I asked my therapist something like 'help me make sure that doesn't happen again'. Which is sort of like what I'm hearing here: help me make my sadness disappear, because it's unwanted (or perhaps inconvenient, especially inconvenient for others in my life).
He told me in response that sadness is a way our body expresses a need for love and comfort. And indeed, I'd felt so despondent at the time that I called my brother to talk (previously a rare thing for me), and felt much better. Listening to the sadness, rather than suppressing it, is an important part of being healthy. Maybe your partner can't help you with it right now, but you still need love and comfort that you're not getting, and this is a legitimate, important need that all humans share. Seek love and comfort and support from those in your life that you're close to.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:19 AM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
He told me in response that sadness is a way our body expresses a need for love and comfort. And indeed, I'd felt so despondent at the time that I called my brother to talk (previously a rare thing for me), and felt much better. Listening to the sadness, rather than suppressing it, is an important part of being healthy. Maybe your partner can't help you with it right now, but you still need love and comfort that you're not getting, and this is a legitimate, important need that all humans share. Seek love and comfort and support from those in your life that you're close to.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:19 AM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
P.S. it might seem tempting to try to just suppress emotions rather than feel them. This may indeed offer short-term relief as a coping strategy, but in the long term it deadens you and disconnects you from the sensory experience of living, until eventually there stops being a 'you' to feel things. It's not a pleasant way of being and I don't recommend it.
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:21 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:21 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I want to thank everyone for their advice and their input. Thanksgiving day was rough for me and I'm quite honestly glad that it's over. I took the advice that jessamyn, headnsouth, RogueTech and opalshards gave - I had some "me" time. I worked on a crafting project that I've put on the back burner for a while and enjoyed a few MST3K episodes.
Ruthless Bunny, roomthreeseventeen and travelwithcats: The feedback I received from you, while somewhat painful to hear and think about was greatly appreciated. I've been in this thing for a few years and my perspective is not as great as it should be. Getting advice like that has prompted a discussion between the two of us and we're going to have to make some serious changes. We love each other and want to make this work, but it does feel like we've reached a sort of "piss or get off the pot" point. We each have many issues keeping us physically apart and yet we want to overcome them and end up in the same space once and for all.
I hope everyone had a good holiday and is enjoying their weekend. Thanks again, all.
posted by BrianJ at 8:31 PM on November 30, 2013 [4 favorites]
Ruthless Bunny, roomthreeseventeen and travelwithcats: The feedback I received from you, while somewhat painful to hear and think about was greatly appreciated. I've been in this thing for a few years and my perspective is not as great as it should be. Getting advice like that has prompted a discussion between the two of us and we're going to have to make some serious changes. We love each other and want to make this work, but it does feel like we've reached a sort of "piss or get off the pot" point. We each have many issues keeping us physically apart and yet we want to overcome them and end up in the same space once and for all.
I hope everyone had a good holiday and is enjoying their weekend. Thanks again, all.
posted by BrianJ at 8:31 PM on November 30, 2013 [4 favorites]
Getting advice like that has prompted a discussion between the two of us and we're going to have to make some serious changes. We love each other and want to make this work, but it does feel like we've reached a sort of "piss or get off the pot" point. We each have many issues keeping us physically apart and yet we want to overcome them and end up in the same space once and for all.
I'm so glad you guys are talking about it, and I wish you all the luck in the world with this!
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:10 PM on November 30, 2013
I'm so glad you guys are talking about it, and I wish you all the luck in the world with this!
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:10 PM on November 30, 2013
« Older Recommend me an ENT specialist in Portland, Oregon | How do you dance like nobody's watching? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Find a way to enjoy your holiday. Go on a last-minute roadtrip. Rent a cabin in a state/national park. Get together with friends.
How can I stop myself from feeling so sad and disappointed? I don't like feeling this way and I'd like to not have my overly emotional state affect him or his moods.
You're allowed to feel sadness and disappointment. Holiday plans with loved ones falling through is more than reason enough to feel sad and disappointed. You don't need to make it your partner's problem--it is what it is--but your feelings are legitimate.
posted by headnsouth at 9:17 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]