How do you process empathy?
November 21, 2013 5:07 AM Subscribe
What do you guys do with your feelings when you see people you love really struggling and it makes you sad?
I've had a lot of struggles in my life that have made me sad, but since they were MY struggles- I always in the middle of them and my feelings were my feelings... life sucked for a good long time, but over time they have resolved and I consider myself pretty well rounded.
But in the last month I have had several really close people go through devastating experiences.
1) My grandpa's partner has died and he is the most lonely person I have ever seen...
2) My partner is struggling with relationship breakdowns in his family that he is finding hard.
When I heard these things I started to cry- because I felt so bad for all of them. But also really really helpless, like I am on the sidelines and can't do anything to help. I know I can be supportive, and call, give hugs....but nothing I think of feels like enough...but these situations won't resolve themselves because of anything I do... and I don't know how to process my own feelings of feeling crushed for them.
And in the case of my grandpa, since he's old- it doesn't feel like he'll have a decade for things to come right again- like I did when I went through my rough times, I feel like he'll end up spending his end years really really lonely- and its heart breaking. I keep feeling like I haven't been a good enough grand daughter, that I have failed him, that I should have done more... but I live so far away- but I tried to write every month or 2 and call once in a while.
It feels callous to just try and give the support but then put it all out of my mind.... and I know I have to feel it, but I also want to limit it... I'm the kind of person who can get low and has a hard time bringing myself out of it.
What are the emotional mechanics of this? What do you do?
I've had a lot of struggles in my life that have made me sad, but since they were MY struggles- I always in the middle of them and my feelings were my feelings... life sucked for a good long time, but over time they have resolved and I consider myself pretty well rounded.
But in the last month I have had several really close people go through devastating experiences.
1) My grandpa's partner has died and he is the most lonely person I have ever seen...
2) My partner is struggling with relationship breakdowns in his family that he is finding hard.
When I heard these things I started to cry- because I felt so bad for all of them. But also really really helpless, like I am on the sidelines and can't do anything to help. I know I can be supportive, and call, give hugs....but nothing I think of feels like enough...but these situations won't resolve themselves because of anything I do... and I don't know how to process my own feelings of feeling crushed for them.
And in the case of my grandpa, since he's old- it doesn't feel like he'll have a decade for things to come right again- like I did when I went through my rough times, I feel like he'll end up spending his end years really really lonely- and its heart breaking. I keep feeling like I haven't been a good enough grand daughter, that I have failed him, that I should have done more... but I live so far away- but I tried to write every month or 2 and call once in a while.
It feels callous to just try and give the support but then put it all out of my mind.... and I know I have to feel it, but I also want to limit it... I'm the kind of person who can get low and has a hard time bringing myself out of it.
What are the emotional mechanics of this? What do you do?
MY struggles- I always in the middle of them and my feelings were my feelings... life sucked for a good long time, but over time they have resolved and I consider myself pretty well rounded.
Give other people the benefit of the doubt that they too will find their own way just like you did. "Sucks to be you" is almost always a temporary condition. Look past it. Show your support by just making an effort to "be there" in whatever way you can. That's really enough and there isn't much more you can do.
And for chrissake smile. There are not your burdens.
posted by three blind mice at 5:37 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Give other people the benefit of the doubt that they too will find their own way just like you did. "Sucks to be you" is almost always a temporary condition. Look past it. Show your support by just making an effort to "be there" in whatever way you can. That's really enough and there isn't much more you can do.
And for chrissake smile. There are not your burdens.
posted by three blind mice at 5:37 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
It helps me to imagine myself in pain, and loved ones losing sleep over it. I wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want my loved ones' lives to be put on hold while they felt sorry for me. Your grandpa and your partner would probably prefer it if you lived, laughed and enjoyed life...
posted by little_dog_laughing at 5:45 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by little_dog_laughing at 5:45 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so far everyone. This is really helping.
I just want to add that what probably makes this especially emotionally charged is that my mother (my grandpa's daughter) died of cancer quite young, and I suppose I felt guilt that I should have taken over her role or something... but if I couldn't fill her hole in my life, I certainly couldn't fill her hole in someone else's.
This human condition stuff can be a real bummer.
But really, thank you so much... Its so nice to hear wisdom on the green.
posted by misspony at 5:50 AM on November 21, 2013
I just want to add that what probably makes this especially emotionally charged is that my mother (my grandpa's daughter) died of cancer quite young, and I suppose I felt guilt that I should have taken over her role or something... but if I couldn't fill her hole in my life, I certainly couldn't fill her hole in someone else's.
This human condition stuff can be a real bummer.
But really, thank you so much... Its so nice to hear wisdom on the green.
posted by misspony at 5:50 AM on November 21, 2013
Ask people how you can help. Grandpa, are you lonely since partner died? Could we go to Concert, Lunch, Museum, Monster Truck Show together? Partner, how can I help you cope with family stuff? People almost always appreciate a listener. Let them talk. Meals together tend to be bonding, go out to lunch with grandpa or ask him to dinner, or ask him to teach you how to make a dish, tie flies, play euchre, or whatever - people like to be experts. Tell them you love them with a card, phone call, stopping by with a picture you found, etc.
posted by theora55 at 6:22 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 6:22 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Chiming in here, yes it sounds like "you" are getting mixed in here. True compassion is actually a light and loving mind, not sad and depressive. It is a mind that flows love and concern to the other person; it does not fixate on how you could have / should have done better/different. If your compassion is painful to you at all, it means there is an aspect of selfishness / self-centredness creeping in. Find out what that is, and put it aside, so you can focus on what the other person truly needs (not what you would need in the same situation, or what you think they need, but what their words/actions are really asking for).
Now I'll pull out some Buddhist philosophy... the powerlessness you feel is essentially the Mahayana Buddhist path. You are unable to 100% liberate people from suffering. You want to so badly, but the current tools and resources you have available limit you to truly protect and help the ones you love, as you have discovered. Buddhists use this sense of love and powerlessness to drive them along the spiritual path. Since Buddha is said to have become enlightened (i.e. transcended the human condition (ego), and thus all the sufferings that come with it), then an enlightened being would be able to teach others how they can pull themselves out of their own suffering as well. Therefore, there IS something you can do - work to improve your mind and be a source of love and comfort and joy for others, regardless the circumstances. It is not as immediately helpful, like giving them $5 when they need $5, but it is emotionally helpful, which can be more impactful.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:30 AM on November 21, 2013 [8 favorites]
Now I'll pull out some Buddhist philosophy... the powerlessness you feel is essentially the Mahayana Buddhist path. You are unable to 100% liberate people from suffering. You want to so badly, but the current tools and resources you have available limit you to truly protect and help the ones you love, as you have discovered. Buddhists use this sense of love and powerlessness to drive them along the spiritual path. Since Buddha is said to have become enlightened (i.e. transcended the human condition (ego), and thus all the sufferings that come with it), then an enlightened being would be able to teach others how they can pull themselves out of their own suffering as well. Therefore, there IS something you can do - work to improve your mind and be a source of love and comfort and joy for others, regardless the circumstances. It is not as immediately helpful, like giving them $5 when they need $5, but it is emotionally helpful, which can be more impactful.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:30 AM on November 21, 2013 [8 favorites]
Hi misspony, I am exactly the same way. I can't help but react incredibly strongly to other people's pain (and then feel guilty about feeling so badly because it's not even my burden! It's a vicious cycle). When I was younger and I saw old men eating alone in restaurants my heart would just burst thinking about how lonely they must be, and it would actually be physically painful sometimes. I tend to liken it to when you hear about someone getting hurt, for example, stepping on a nail - you actually feel a physical reaction upon hearing the story and thinking about how painful it must have been even though it didn't happen to you! And the person who it did happen to has already dealt with the pain and is standing there healed in front of you.
Several things have helped me with these situations:
- Going through some hard times of my own. Realizing that pain is inevitable, and realizing that other adults are already aware of that and have their own coping mechanisms, helped me understand that just as I got through my own difficulties, they can handle theirs. This realization also helped me understand that I was lacking in certain coping mechanisms for pain, and the people I was so worried for might not necessarily be lacking in those areas.
- Realizing that the sympathy I was experiencing for the other person was mixed up with extreme shame and guilt, as well as unrealistic expectations about just how much I could control the world around me. Therefore, it was completely self-centered. Also realizing that whatever guilt I might have felt was completely useless and only prevented me from taking steps that might have actually eased that person's burden. I had a very (irrational, in hindsight) all-or-nothing approach to it - I couldn't perfectly heal that person's pain, so nothing I could do was good enough. But if you recognize yourself in this description, don't beat yourself up. You're not a self-centered person, you just have tons of misdirected compassion, and you can learn how to direct that compassion in a way that also lightens your own burden.
- Accepting myself for who I am, which is a person who tends to be highly sensitive and emotional. My whole life I had raged against that quality in myself, because I thought I was "supposed" to be tougher and not let things bother me and not take everything so much to heart. Turns out that lack of self-acceptance was actually blocking me from ever learning how to manage all of the feelings I had swirling around inside of me, and that thinking in terms of what I "should" be stopped me from ackowledging the truth of what I really was. Once I accepted that yes, I am sensitive, that's just how it is, and no, I am not lesser than other people for it, and in fact those qualities are strengths and not weaknesses, I found it much easier to let those feelings of sadness, guilt, and helplessness just...pass. The single worst thing you can do for yourself is feel guilty about the way you feel. Even if you do feel a way that you don't admire, you have no control in the moment about what you feel - but you DO have control over how you choose to handle those feelings.
And of course....
- Therapy! It would have taken me much, much longer to come to these realizations if I hadn't started going to therapy. I really encourage it, especially because a lot of therapists are extremely sensitive people themselves and have learned how to not take on other people's emotions (out of pure necessity - imagine yourself as a therapist and reacting this strongly to every patient who is fighting the hard battle). A lot of them learned that in therapy! I waited until it got so bad I couldn't not go to therapy, but I would suggest you take advantage of it sooner.
I don't know if you see any of yourself in what I've written above, but if you do, this exercise might be helpful in the moment. My therapist always has me break everything I'm worried or sad about down and then assign a level of control (from 1-10) to it. So for example, you say that...
And in the case of my grandpa, since he's old- it doesn't feel like he'll have a decade for things to come right again- like I did when I went through my rough times, I feel like he'll end up spending his end years really really lonely- and its heart breaking. I keep feeling like I haven't been a good enough grand daughter, that I have failed him, that I should have done more... but I live so far away- but I tried to write every month or 2 and call once in a while.
This is a lot of things all in one "wastebasket," so try to separate everything you're feeling into smaller wastebaskets. For example:
Level of control you have over your grandfather's partner dying: 0
Level of control you have over your grandfather's age or how much time he has left: 0 (and btw, I'm sure your grandfather knew this was a possibility when he got together with his partner - this is unfortunately one of the bets we take when we find a life partner)
Level of control over what you've done in the past as a granddaughter: 0. It's done, it's in the past, nothing you can do to change it now.
Level of control over the physical distance between you: 1. I suppose you could uproot your entire life and move to be closer to him, but I'm sure he wouldn't even want that.
Level of control over how often you are in contact with him now: 8/9. Depending on what he would like, you could contact him more often. Some of the above suggestions are really good.
It DOESN'T MATTER what you've done in the past. It really doesn't matter. You could have been the worst granddaughter in the entire world (which I am 100% positive you weren't) and you would STILL be helping him if you decided to take steps to rectify that starting today. You have to concentrate on what you can do NOW, not what you haven't done (according to what I'm going to guess was an impossible standard) in the past. Focus on what you CAN control now, and forget the rest, because holding onto the rest creates a weight that prevents you from taking what steps you could to lighten the burden. Once I learned that putting some distance between my own feelings and other people's was necessary and not selfish, I didn't feel like I was drowning anymore. You have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help the people next to you.
Hopefully this was helpful and not preachy - I just recognized a lot of myself in your question and I thought these suggestions might be helpful. You're a wonderfully sweet and compassionate person to care so much about your loved ones, and they are very lucky to have you. Take care.
posted by luciernaga at 7:03 AM on November 21, 2013 [8 favorites]
Several things have helped me with these situations:
- Going through some hard times of my own. Realizing that pain is inevitable, and realizing that other adults are already aware of that and have their own coping mechanisms, helped me understand that just as I got through my own difficulties, they can handle theirs. This realization also helped me understand that I was lacking in certain coping mechanisms for pain, and the people I was so worried for might not necessarily be lacking in those areas.
- Realizing that the sympathy I was experiencing for the other person was mixed up with extreme shame and guilt, as well as unrealistic expectations about just how much I could control the world around me. Therefore, it was completely self-centered. Also realizing that whatever guilt I might have felt was completely useless and only prevented me from taking steps that might have actually eased that person's burden. I had a very (irrational, in hindsight) all-or-nothing approach to it - I couldn't perfectly heal that person's pain, so nothing I could do was good enough. But if you recognize yourself in this description, don't beat yourself up. You're not a self-centered person, you just have tons of misdirected compassion, and you can learn how to direct that compassion in a way that also lightens your own burden.
- Accepting myself for who I am, which is a person who tends to be highly sensitive and emotional. My whole life I had raged against that quality in myself, because I thought I was "supposed" to be tougher and not let things bother me and not take everything so much to heart. Turns out that lack of self-acceptance was actually blocking me from ever learning how to manage all of the feelings I had swirling around inside of me, and that thinking in terms of what I "should" be stopped me from ackowledging the truth of what I really was. Once I accepted that yes, I am sensitive, that's just how it is, and no, I am not lesser than other people for it, and in fact those qualities are strengths and not weaknesses, I found it much easier to let those feelings of sadness, guilt, and helplessness just...pass. The single worst thing you can do for yourself is feel guilty about the way you feel. Even if you do feel a way that you don't admire, you have no control in the moment about what you feel - but you DO have control over how you choose to handle those feelings.
And of course....
- Therapy! It would have taken me much, much longer to come to these realizations if I hadn't started going to therapy. I really encourage it, especially because a lot of therapists are extremely sensitive people themselves and have learned how to not take on other people's emotions (out of pure necessity - imagine yourself as a therapist and reacting this strongly to every patient who is fighting the hard battle). A lot of them learned that in therapy! I waited until it got so bad I couldn't not go to therapy, but I would suggest you take advantage of it sooner.
I don't know if you see any of yourself in what I've written above, but if you do, this exercise might be helpful in the moment. My therapist always has me break everything I'm worried or sad about down and then assign a level of control (from 1-10) to it. So for example, you say that...
And in the case of my grandpa, since he's old- it doesn't feel like he'll have a decade for things to come right again- like I did when I went through my rough times, I feel like he'll end up spending his end years really really lonely- and its heart breaking. I keep feeling like I haven't been a good enough grand daughter, that I have failed him, that I should have done more... but I live so far away- but I tried to write every month or 2 and call once in a while.
This is a lot of things all in one "wastebasket," so try to separate everything you're feeling into smaller wastebaskets. For example:
Level of control you have over your grandfather's partner dying: 0
Level of control you have over your grandfather's age or how much time he has left: 0 (and btw, I'm sure your grandfather knew this was a possibility when he got together with his partner - this is unfortunately one of the bets we take when we find a life partner)
Level of control over what you've done in the past as a granddaughter: 0. It's done, it's in the past, nothing you can do to change it now.
Level of control over the physical distance between you: 1. I suppose you could uproot your entire life and move to be closer to him, but I'm sure he wouldn't even want that.
Level of control over how often you are in contact with him now: 8/9. Depending on what he would like, you could contact him more often. Some of the above suggestions are really good.
It DOESN'T MATTER what you've done in the past. It really doesn't matter. You could have been the worst granddaughter in the entire world (which I am 100% positive you weren't) and you would STILL be helping him if you decided to take steps to rectify that starting today. You have to concentrate on what you can do NOW, not what you haven't done (according to what I'm going to guess was an impossible standard) in the past. Focus on what you CAN control now, and forget the rest, because holding onto the rest creates a weight that prevents you from taking what steps you could to lighten the burden. Once I learned that putting some distance between my own feelings and other people's was necessary and not selfish, I didn't feel like I was drowning anymore. You have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help the people next to you.
Hopefully this was helpful and not preachy - I just recognized a lot of myself in your question and I thought these suggestions might be helpful. You're a wonderfully sweet and compassionate person to care so much about your loved ones, and they are very lucky to have you. Take care.
posted by luciernaga at 7:03 AM on November 21, 2013 [8 favorites]
I want to echo what little_dog_laughing said. My Dad has a chronic health issue that I worry about more than he does and more, if I'm honest, than it really merits. And he really, really hates how much I worry about it - because, as he says, "then I have to worry about you as well". It's like we're caught in a vicious circle of sympathy for each other or something!
I have, slowly, realised that my empathising just makes him feel worse, because he then feels guilty for being the cause of my anxiety. So now I just try to channel my anxiety into positive actions instead - calling my parents more often, being a bit more thoughtful, whining about my own problems a bit less, that sort of thing (things I should do anyway, really).
Which is just what everyone has already said, really, but I just wanted to confirm that it works :)
posted by raspberry-ripple at 2:02 PM on November 21, 2013
I have, slowly, realised that my empathising just makes him feel worse, because he then feels guilty for being the cause of my anxiety. So now I just try to channel my anxiety into positive actions instead - calling my parents more often, being a bit more thoughtful, whining about my own problems a bit less, that sort of thing (things I should do anyway, really).
Which is just what everyone has already said, really, but I just wanted to confirm that it works :)
posted by raspberry-ripple at 2:02 PM on November 21, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Firstly, sympathy and empathy are different things. Sympathy is "I feel bad for you" and empathy is more "I understand why YOU feel bad." It's that understanding that people usually need when they are suffering, not sympathy necessarily, and not someone "doing" something for them or "fixing" things. It's hard to watch someone we love suffer and it can lead to the feelings of helplessness you describe. It's hard to feel helpless. But in the case of your grandpa, for example, there is no way for you to bring back his partner, or magic him up a new one so he will be ok. But what he might appreciate is your expressed empathy. "It must be awful to lose [partner]. It must be hard dealing with the grief, and maybe the feeling that you wont find someone else to love the same way again. It must be lonely for you without them." Etc. Showing that you get what he is going through to some degree might actually help him feel a little less lonely. And giving him space to talk to you, and really listening, is the best thing you can do.
You're also mixing some guilt in with this: "I haven't been a good enough grand daughter". Because you can't find an external thing to "blame" for his loneliness (you can't exactly hold it against the parter who died) you're attaching it to yourself. Try not to do this. If you really feel like you could do more to stay in touch with him, by all means try to do it now. But - with all due respect - this is not about you, in that I very much doubt that your grandpa is sitting somewhere feeling "I would be happier if only misspony had been a better granddaughter". Everyone does the best they can, and I'm sure that's true of you too.
You're right to say that you have to feel these things, and that's ok. But the harder thing to accept is that other people need to feel theirs also, and you have to let that happen. Your grandpa needs to deal with his feelings, your partner with theirs, and all you can do is let them know you'll be there in whatever way they need. Take care.
posted by billiebee at 5:37 AM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]