Do I go to my stepson's wedding if I don't support it?
November 16, 2013 3:00 PM   Subscribe

Do I go to my barely 18 year old stepson's wedding if I don't support the reasons and believe it to be a huge mistake? Snowflakes inside.

I'm looking for advice as I have no idea what to do and need to hear what others think or tell me that I'm being an asshole.

First, some background - I've been involved in my stepson's life for about 4 years now and it has been extremely difficult raising him. There are too many difficulties to list that span over the 4 years including verbal and emotional abuse, multiple police calls and but we ended up spending 25K to send him to rehab and driving 40 minutes opposite directions every weekday to get him a sober high school so he could graduate. We passed up promotions, new jobs, exhausted our pto, spent the house downpayment fund - essentially put our life for on hold for years and set our life goals significantly back for years to come because of drug addition. But that's what we did because it was the right fucking thing to do and that's what good parents would do to give him a shot at life and becoming the man he was destined to be. Between his mom and I, we are in counseling both together and separately to deal with the fallout that happened and is happening between us and stress that the past four years have taken.

I feel that we paid a heavy toll, we served our time, we gave him the opportunity to do more in his life. He is doing more, he joined the military and we are very proud of him for that. What we're not thrilled about is that his 16 year old girlfriend that he met in rehab is now pregnant and they are getting married on his leave. Why are they getting married you ask, why it's simply for the financial reasons (the military gives more to married couples) and because the girlfriend's parents are willing to pay for it. In addition that I have a HUGE problem with getting married for no reason other then financial reasons, they are both extremely immature, selfish (she wouldn't go to his send off ceremony because she didn't want to drive a half hour each way at night on the interstate), and truthfully, they are both high maintenance. All in all, I personally think they would both be fine in a few years to outgrow the teenage attitudes but nope, they want to get married. I obviously don't support it, I voiced my concerns to him, offered alternatives, but it all fell on deaf ears which is fine, he's an adult now and has the right to make his own decisions. His mom doesn't support it either, she voiced her concerns as well but we both agreed that after it was said, we had to leave it alone.

Knowing our objections, they still asked us to pay for the rehearsal dinner at an upscale restaurant. It's almost $70 a plate and we would have almost 15 guests there. Oh, and in addition, they want us to fork over a few hundred dollars for the wedding cake and buy or make all the wedding invitations. We originally said yes to both, but are planning on telling them that after reviewing our finances, we can't pay for the dinner. It's worth mentioning that both the mom and I are in our mid 30s, she was a teen mom and a damn good one at that. However, financially and family wise - we both still have life goals including the house, maybe more kids so yea, we are tight with money and don't do a whole lot of frivolous spending.

However, after everything is considered - I still can't support the marriage and believe it to be a huge mistake. Financially, we aren't in a good position to help them nor do we want to. Do I have the right to avoid going to this wedding as I have huge issue and concerns about it and am frankly, very, very angry that we sacrificed so much for him just for him to seriously fuck up his life with this girl (it should be noted that the girl's parents are very wealthy, and is their princess (the girlfriend's dad's words, not mine) so any custody, divorce or anything legal will be tied up in court for a very long time, if at all).

Do I have a right to tell them we gave enough and will not be a part of a wedding that we believe to be wrong and little more then a sham? Any other advice about any of the snowflake details is welcome as well.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (81 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think it's fine to not want to be involved, and then follow through. Money is tight, you're busy with work, whatever. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If it were me I would have a romantic weekend away scheduled that weekend.

However telling them (the stepson, her family, etc.) the precise reasons is just going to add fuel to this shitstorm. I would skip that part. Just say you can't and don't let them goad you into saying anything. Don't discuss it with your stepson anymore. Try to limit contact with the girl's family. Unfriend them on social media, don't return their calls, emails, texts, etc. Concentrate on you and your wife, do things you like to do.
posted by bleep at 3:07 PM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


You said you would pay for the dinner, so do it gracefully, not grudgingly. Do tell him that after the wedding he is on his own regarding the financial help, saying exactly what you told us of your and your wife future plans. Do it nicely, without slamming any doors shut.
posted by francesca too at 3:07 PM on November 16, 2013 [27 favorites]


Contributing financially and attending are two different things. I think you're perfectly within your rights as a couple to refuse to contribute financially.

Not attending your son's wedding, however, is really a major statement, and I would work on the assumption that you will then have no contact with him or your future grandchild at all in the future. Are both you and your wife ok with that?
posted by jaguar at 3:08 PM on November 16, 2013 [30 favorites]


If (if!) you want to continue to be a source of positive influence in his life, protesting the wedding on principle will fuck that right up. If you can, try to think of this in more pragmatic, even Machiavellian terms than emotional ones. He's not going to pick you over his future wife and he's made that clear as day, so you have to play with the cards you are dealt.

Not attending will create a rift between you and him; how big of a rift, and its consequences, is a matter of character that I'm not going to guess about. But a rift is going to make it harder in the future to exert any sort of influence over him, and that influence helped with things like getting him into rehab.
posted by griphus at 3:08 PM on November 16, 2013 [30 favorites]


This is a tough one, and you will get a lot of great advice. I will address a couple of your points: I would go to the wedding not in support of the marriage, but in continued support of your stepson. If they are going through with it, won't be deterred or counseled out of it, you as his parents should be there as a show of solidarity to the girl's family and friends, for your son. He is still your boy, mistakes and all.

Next, which might piss him off but he'll after deal with, I would not pay for anything beyond your means, even if you end up with beers in the backyard. Just do it with love. Crazier things happen than two kids with no shot actually going the distance. Or even just ending up ok, separately or together.
posted by thinkpiece at 3:08 PM on November 16, 2013 [15 favorites]


Attendance would be supporting him, not the wedding itself. I think you can reasonably withdraw financial support, but I don't know about the long-term prospects of the relationship if you remove yourselves, in protest. I say go, but go cheap. Given that you already made a promise though, that's a tough move to pull. Can't you change the restaurant and/or plans for cake/invites? Since it's your bill, it's your call.
posted by mahorn at 3:09 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


If you don't want to go, don't go, and if you really feel you must say that it's because you don't support the marriage, that's...I mean, I'd say don't do it, but it's not a heinously evil thing to do.

Turning it into an extension of your resentment about your stepson being a difficult adolescent, though, is just really awful. If you really need to say something, it should be limited to "Son, we don't agree with your reasons for marrying Girlfriend, and for that reason we will not be attending. Best wishes." And it should probably be delivered by your wife.

But yeah, honestly, I wouldn't even say that. I'd just say "We can't make it, and we wish you the best."
posted by kagredon at 3:10 PM on November 16, 2013


In boycotting the wedding, you will in effect set this man-child adrift. He is already demonstrably unable to manage his life. You might quietly explain to him that his extremely high maintenance has left you without funds to finance an unnecessarily expensive rehearsal dinner, and suggest a more modest establishment.
Also, he is of adult age; he should be prepared to pay his own way. Tell him that. But you will possibly want to be there when the marriage fails and if the child bride abandons the baby. Look at the possible outcomes of this unpromising union.
posted by Cranberry at 3:11 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


Do I have the right to avoid going to this wedding as I have huge issue and concerns about it and am frankly, very, very angry that we sacrificed so much for him just for him to seriously fuck up his life with this girl

You have the right to whatever, but you do not have the right to be immune from the consequences of exercising that right.

Also, you should maybe let go of this "he owes us" feeling, partly because what good is a doing you? You can't make him do what you want, and you can't make him go back in time and make different decisions. Stewing and feeling bitter is only going to give you grey hairs and an ulcer. Your expectation that he owes you something is your problem to solve.

Skipping the wedding will make you appear (and actually be) self-righteous and judgey. Which is fine, if that's how you want to be. What will it do for your future relationship - with him, with his mother, with future grandchild? If you don't care about any of that, then feel free to skip, I guess, but don't pretend like it will somehow make things better or that it will cause him to realize how much he's screwed up and how much he owes you or whatever it is you think you want from him.
posted by rtha at 3:12 PM on November 16, 2013 [46 favorites]


You seem pretty bitter over his drug addiction hassles. Which is understandable, but, does it benefit anybody?

Clearly you don't like the stepson or the girlfriend much. Also something nobody is benefiting from. It doesn't seem odd to me that a new driver would balk at longer nighttime highway travel; here it's offered up as proof of selfishness...

It is one thing to not pay for any of the wedding, but an enormous other thing to not attend. You have a grandchild on the way. The worst thing you could do for the child would be to issue the "fuck off" that snubbing a wedding would involve. There aren't lots of ways to recover from a huge rift like that.

The "we've served our time" stuff sounds very harsh, and unrealistic, and so antagonistic it gives one pause about how things got to where they are now. The whole thing sounds very sad for all concerned.

I can't imagine what good could come from not going.
posted by kmennie at 3:12 PM on November 16, 2013 [26 favorites]


Being hard on him will never make him a better person. Neither will being dramatic.

They're getting married. You need to just be supportive, even if it is a mistake.
posted by discopolo at 3:13 PM on November 16, 2013 [16 favorites]


You have the right to do pretty much whatever you want here. But there's a difference between what you have the right to do and what is the right thing to do. In my opinion, not attending this wedding is likely to lead to a schism in your family, and it may well destroy your relationship with your stepson and his relationship with his mother. Your son is about to be a father whether he marries right now or not, and you're about to be grandparents; this is a terrible time to blow up your family. You need to support him emotionally, even if he's not making the same decisions you would make under the circumstances. And given that he's your wife's biological child, I think the ultimate decision needs to be hers about how to handle this, and you need to support the decision she makes, even if you disagree with it. And I would hope that she chooses not to abandon her child and grandchild.

I agree that you're not obligated to pay thousands of dollars for a party you can't afford. But I think you need to separate the financial support from the emotional support. Expressing your anger that your adult child is making a romantic choice you don't approve of is going to be really, really hurtful to him. And it's not even remotely up to you whether he should get married for reasons you disapprove of; lots of people get married for financial reasons (especially when there's a child about to be born and he presumably has very good benefits available to his family through the military), and it has nothing to do with the strength of their relationships. He's entitled to disagree with you about this, and it would be pretty self-centered to boycott his wedding because you don't like the way he's approaching his marriage.

Look, your stepson is finally gotten his life on track after many years of struggling, and now he's trying to build a family the best way he knows how to. It may be a terrible idea, and it may not last. But whether he gets married or not, he's about to become a parent. And I disagree with you that it's irresponsible for a new parent to attempt to get some stability for his soon-to-be-born child. But again, it doesn't matter whether you or I agree with him. What matters is, he's an adult, and this is what he's doing. Now, the only question is whether you want to withdraw the emotional support he needs from his own parents as he moves into this new and scary phase of his life. I hope that you don't want to do that, and that you'll swallow your judgment and your anger and support your child and his child throughout their lives. And I hope that if you can't do that, you'll bow out of this family and allow your wife to support her child and grandchild, because breaking up the family is going to hurt her a lot more than it hurts you.
posted by decathecting at 3:14 PM on November 16, 2013 [26 favorites]


And definitely tell them you can't afford the rehearsal dinner and offer alternatives.
posted by discopolo at 3:15 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


I think you should go to the wedding.

It's a powerful thing, knowing your parents are by your side even when they disagree with what you're doing.
posted by girlmightlive at 3:17 PM on November 16, 2013 [49 favorites]


Attending: You should go.
What does your wife/his mom think about not going? Would she go without you? Parents not showing up to a wedding seems like a huge deal to me, not to be taken lightly just because you're frustrated with your immature step child. You would basically be jeopardizing any relationship with him going forward and any right to give him any advice or support or influence on his decisions down the road. If mom goes without you, you just look like a dick and I would make sure your wife won't resent you for "abandoning" her (at the event, in her parenting duties, etc.) down the line.

Paying: You should pay what you feel you can afford, without resentment, and if that's not paying for anything, I think that's your right. Considering your expense, I think you're allowed to rescind your previous agreement to pay.

It may be unpleasant and only aggravate you further to participate in the wedding planning, but definitely consider a polite but final offer to pay for an alternative cake/cheaper invitations/a picnic catered by the local grocery store in lieu of the high-end princess stuff. If they won't budge, don't pay but don't be antagonistic about it. Be honest ("we can't afford it without going into debt") and don't bring up "but we already paid for your rehab!"

Talk about this stuff with your counselors as a couple and individually, as you probably already are. And, way to go getting this kid through school!
posted by dahliachewswell at 3:20 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


You might also want to look at this from the perspective of someone who grew up without his biological parents being married for at least the last four years (and I don't know what the history was before you showed up -- given how you describe your wife as a teen mom but don't mention a teen marriage, I'm kind of guessing your son's biological father wasn't in the picture much). He may be doing his best to make sure his child knows its biological father and grows up with both parents there.

Which is not to say that they'll necessarily stay together forever, but your assumption that he's just being irresponsible is highly ungenerous, and he may be acting on emotions that he either can't or won't express to you.

Again, that doesn't mean he's making the best choices, but I think you need to dial back on the judgmental attitude -- especially since you may be indirectly insulting your wife's choices with some of the implications you're making.
posted by jaguar at 3:20 PM on November 16, 2013 [14 favorites]


You said yes. Are you a man/woman of your word? Do you think of yourself as someone who has life lessons to impart to your stepson?

If you don't agree with a loved one's decision to marry, you advise them sincerely, as best you can, and then you support their decision. You don't go back on your word and then *not go.*

If you truly can't afford it, then "I wish we could but we're broke and have no credit" is the unfortunate news you impart. But if you're saving to maybe have another kid in the future and you're deciding resentfully to not pay/not go/not support your *step*child after saying you'd contribute, then you're not being at all fair to the young adult who was in your charge during those difficult years. And that might give you some insight into the roots of those difficulties.

You have a rare opportunity here to let love be your guide after the storm has passed.
posted by headnsouth at 3:22 PM on November 16, 2013 [16 favorites]


Please pick up the phone NOW and tell them that you can't pay for the stuff you previously promised. They're going to have to come up with an alternative; please give them enough time to do so. And yes, go to the wedding! Even if their marriage is the most horrible idea ever, they're going through with it. Don't you hope that it turns out well for them? Go, and give them your blessings. It sounds like they will have enough obstacles without having to deal with your disapproval.
posted by Wordwoman at 3:22 PM on November 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


OK, so the thing about having a kid is that you're supposed to love and support the kid. Unconditionally. That's what family means.

Now, you're not this kid's father, and I don't see a lot of love in your question. So maybe you don't consider him family and have no intention of supporting him (either financially, emotionally, or otherwise). If that's the case, so be it. Do what you want, I guess.

But if you love this member of your family, unfortunately, the right thing to do is to support him.

People make bad choices. To be perfectly honest, it doesn't sound like this marriage thing is the worst thing ever. Certainly better than many alternatives, and definitely better than some other choices he's already made in life. I don't think it's good, but if my parents tried to completely drop our relationship every time I made a suboptimal choice (in their eyes), well, to be honest I don't even have words for what a horrible experience that would be.

When I was around the same age, I made a colossally stupid life choice against the advice of my parents. One of my parents supported me (not financially, just morally) despite disagreeing with this choice. One of my parents disowned me. While our relationship has mended with the years, there are still a lot of bad memories, bitterness, and deeply buried hurt around that time of my life.

That said, do you have to fork over for the rehearsal dinner of their choice? No. Perfectly appropriate to say that you can't handle that kind of expense right now. It would be nice of you to offer some other alternative that is within your budget, but it would also be acceptable to say, look, sorry kid, the thing is, we support your choice to get married, but we can't afford to throw you a rehearsal dinner. Same for the cake, invitations, etc. It would be good of you to help with these expenses. But you don't have to give them carte blanche. You can absolutely say, "We're happy to pay for the cake and invitations, but we can only afford $X."

You don't need a $200 cake to be married, and it's a bit presumptuous of them to expect the type of wedding usually thrown by older and more established couples after extensive planning for this sort of expense.

(All the above said, if you really can afford to help but just don't feel like it due to the principal of the thing, that's shitty. And will be noticed. And probably resented far into the future.)
posted by Sara C. at 3:23 PM on November 16, 2013 [24 favorites]


Go to the wedding. Don't pay for shit you can't (and don't want to) pay for.

It's a tradition for parents to help out, and has become an expectation, but I don't think it's an obligation that parents pay for weddings.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:25 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


It doesn't sound as if you really of him as a son, which is understandable given that you have only been in his life for 4 years. But his mother is your wife.
THink of it this way. She needs to support her son, the way a mother supports her child no matter what. And she is your wife, so you need to support her.
DOn't make your wife feel that by going to her son's wedding, she is saying she is in favor of his marriage. Instead, be there for your wife as she tries to be there for her son. That is another (perhaps better) way for you to support this kid without worrying about your own position on his decisions.
posted by third rail at 3:25 PM on November 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


I certainly agree that you don't have to pay for this stuff, but you know, first of all, this isn't your kid. Stepkids who are already teenagers when you show up are very rarely going to respond to any parenting on your part, so you need to follow your spouse's lead on things, generally. Second, it is a really dick move to say that you're going to pay for something and then say you aren't. That is not any kind of example to set for young people who are just starting out in life. If you're going to back out of paying for stuff--which I get, it is expensive--then you're going to need to make some real effort to do something else to make up for it, or else you're going to really deserve the resentment that comes, because you were the ones who made a commitment and didn't follow through.

Aside from that, you don't do anything, you just support whatever it is his mom wants to do. This isn't your thing to approve or disapprove of, because you aren't his dad. You are the guy who provides emotional support to his mom's decisions.
posted by Sequence at 3:27 PM on November 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


Nthing, if you can't afford any financial support, be up front and tell them immediately so they can make other arrangements. If there are deposits already down for restaurants and cakes, you may consider footing those if you're not paying otherwise.
posted by dahliachewswell at 3:28 PM on November 16, 2013


Yes - tell him you can't pay for the dinner if you can't.

But don't try and use whether you do or don't, or whether you attend or don't, as a gesture of disapproval of this wedding.

What if it doesn't work out, like you suspect? Are you gonna say "told ya so"? Would that be what you'd want to hear when your first shot at adult life had foundered on a little too much haste and optimism?

You're older, and wiser than that. Be there to show him you support him trying to do his best, by her or by himself.
posted by greenish at 3:29 PM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]


I agree that you should go to the wedding to support your stepson. As for paying for stuff, I think you should give them a number. "We can give you a gift of $x. If you want to spend it on invitations, rehearsal dinner, whatever, that's your call."

From now on, I think it's reasonable to say, if he needs more money in the future or things go awry with this girl, we love you and we support you but you're an adult now and this is your responsibility.

Also, what does your wife think? Where is she in this?
posted by kat518 at 3:31 PM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]


Oh, I should say, too, that I think that from now on, communication about this issue should be between your wife and her son, and you shouldn't be the one to tell him or ask him anything. Even though it sounds as though you've done a lot for him and sacrificed a lot for him in recent years, you're not his parent. You've only known him for four years, and no matter what role you've played in his life those four years, you're not his father. He doesn't have to share your values or agree with your definition of family or care about your approval, because you're not his parent. From now on, let your wife have these family conversations with him, because she's his family. And your role should be to back her up, to support her, and to be there for her as she makes her decisions about how to treat her son. Other than insofar as it affects your personal finances, his relationship is basically none of your business unless he invites you in. And he has invited you to attend, not to pass judgment.

(I speak here as a person whose only living parent remarried a few years ago. If my stepparent tried to tell me that my relationship was a "sham" or that my life choices were wrong or that I was "selfish" and "immature," I'd say go fuck yourself. Because you're not my parent, and I don't need your approval. And I would be furious at my parent for letting this person interfere with our relationship, and it would absolutely have a negative affect on how I felt about my parent. Don't do that to your wife.)
posted by decathecting at 3:31 PM on November 16, 2013 [16 favorites]


Stop trying to teach this kid a lesson in ways that will hurt him and your step-grandchild in the future. Go to the wedding, set firm boundaries with your wife's support, and model love and support instead of anger and bitterness. You are right to be angry; you do not have the right to punish a wayward kid for the reasons you think you do. Show this young man what maturity really looks like.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 3:32 PM on November 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


Maybe the wedding is a mistake. Maybe it isn't (it sounds quite similar to how my grandparents ended up married, and as far as I can tell they are very, very happy 50 years later).

But honestly, that's immaterial. Somewhere between 15% and 35% of the marriages happening on any given day will end in divorce; the total number of "mistake" marriages is surely much higher. You'd never in a million years presume that you know more about any of those relationships than the people in them. Why do you think you know more about your stepson's relationship than he does?

Admit to yourself that you truthfully have no idea how this relationship will turn out. Go to the wedding. If money isn't an object, pay for the rehearsal dinner. Open up your mouth and say "mazel tov", or whatever ethnically-appropriate gesture of congratulations applies. Weddings are a time for celebration, and life is too goddamn short to skip a celebration just to be "right".
posted by downing street memo at 3:34 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


Do I have a right to tell them we gave enough and will not be a part of a wedding that we believe to be wrong and little more then a sham?

Don't do anything you can't afford, do go to the wedding. The money and emotional energy you've invested is a sunk cost and you seem, totally understandably, to be angry about it. But he will either make something of his life or he won't -- you've done the absolute very best you can, and I think the statute of limitations on a) paying for things and b) being angry about it is probably pretty nearly up simply because it will prevent you from building a new relationship with him.

Part of letting him go, letting him go off and be an adult, is allowing him to fuck up in new ways, just like adults. I'm sure it's really painful to watch this happen -- but the reality is it's already happened. The only thing you can do now is control your actions surrounding it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:35 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


If he finally grows up and takes responsibility for his life in 10 years do you want him to come to your doorstep with a heart full of love, grateful that you were there for him while he was being a bonehead? Or do you want him to think, "god, I was fucked up, I'm so glad things are better now that I'm clean and single again and out of that toxic situation with my family."

A loaded question, but it's up to you.

Paying for things on the other hand, you have a right to say you can't afford them. I would help out with what I could afford, no more.


By the way, just because custody/&c. will be fucked up, his life will not be over. He will still be a person even if he's fighting for custody of his child. He can still redeem himself.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:37 PM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]


Also, is this going to be a church wedding? Is there any chance that you can convince them to go to pre-marital counseling?
posted by kat518 at 3:38 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


You sound awfully resentful. Maybe with good reason, but it is making you unhappy, and not helping your relationships.

Your stepson is getting married. If you want to have any relationship with him, go to his wedding. Getting married to provide your baby and baby's Mom with benefits is not such a bad reason.

You said you'd pay for a rehearsal dinner, and it's traditional for the groom's parents to host it, but that means you get to choose where it is, and you can do much better than 70/ head, or even have it at home. Wedding invitations aren't terribly expensive, at least not if you make them or get them online. Tell them you'll get a cake from the bakery dept. of the local grocery - most have a good bakery and can do a perfectly fine cake with perfectly fine decoration. They may choose to make other arrangements. He has a biological father, too, and should ask him to contribute, although I recognize that he may be a deadbeat, absent, whatever.

If you can't go to the wedding and be gracious, consider having an unfortunate case of 'flu or something, and leave as soon as possible. Please don't discourage your wife from participating lovingly in her son's wedding and life. I hope your stepson recognizes how lucky he is to have a Mom and stepdad who got him through bad times. In the long run, being a loving person is way more valuable than a house or anything else you get with money. .
posted by theora55 at 3:46 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


I want to note something: you seem to be judging his girlfriend pretty harshly for not attending his ceremony because she was afraid to drive. Why is it such a shame she didn't attend? Because, by going, she would have shown her support. She would have stood by him and shown him how much she cared. By not going, she missed the opportunity to do that. By not going, she instead sent the message that she didn't care, that he wasn't important enough to her for her to be there. At least, that's the reasoning that I believe is leading to you judging her harshly for missing it.

Now, you are thinking about skipping another ceremony of his, one that has far more cultural significance, one that is understood as the time when your family stands beside you to show how much they care, how much your future matters to them. If you do skip this wedding, wouldn't the same judgement you made about her apply to you?

Your stepson sounds like someone who had had a rough life. He sounds like someone who needs his family beside him, as he tries to do what is right and maybe messes up. It also sounds like the last four years have been rough on you, as you try to be supportive... But I really don't think his wedding is the time to stand on principle for the sake of sending a message of disapproval.
posted by meese at 3:48 PM on November 16, 2013 [62 favorites]


I totally agree with those who point out that attendance at the wedding and paying for things are totally separate. And this has nothing whatsoever to do with rehab or anything else you paid for in the past!

Personally, I have never been in circles with people who have "rehearsal dinners" or anything of the sort. I have been to some lovely, tasteful weddings/receptions that took place in back yards, public parks, marinas, and the like. You can suggest a more "homestyle", less ostentatious wedding to your stepson as you inform him you really can't afford the fancy things he has suggested. You should absolutely go to his wedding, whatever form it takes, because that is the right thing to do for him as your stepson. It will be up to him if he can see that a more low-key wedding would be more appropriate for him as a young, not-wealthy groom, or whether he will be all resentful and whiney if you don't be his ATM.
posted by RRgal at 3:51 PM on November 16, 2013


He got his girlfriend pregnant. Generally a good thing to get married.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:55 PM on November 16, 2013 [10 favorites]


Please keep in mind that by continuing to tell him that he is making a huge mistake here by marrying the teenage mother of his child, and that this will fuck up his life, you are also in a not insignificant way continuing to tell him that he -- the child of a teenage mother whose father didn't stick around for either of them (apparently) -- is a huge mistake himself. And you are about to reinforce that message by literally not being there for him.

That may not at all be what you think of him, but that's still an interpretation that's easily made by someone in his still very young shoes, especially if you are conveying your disappointment to him with the same kind of bitterness and language you use here ("served our time" = dealing with you and your problems is like being in a prison I could't wait to get out of, etc.)

I completely empathize with the anger and bitterness you feel, by the way. It doesn't feel good to have those feelings coursing through your veins after all you have done.

This young kid (yes, he's an adult but not by much) who has put you through so much but has also obviously been through so much is now a father. It sounds like you've been a good father figure to him and I'd continue doing that.

You've voiced your point of view. He heard it. He won't forget it, trust me, and he's not ignoring you. He's dealing with his shit the best way he can, probably. He needs your support.

Go to the wedding. Pay for what you can or feel is reasonable. Don't send him in there alone to deal with all that is ahead of him. Wedding, new baby, intimidating father-in-law -- this would be too much for many level-headed adults to handle well, let alone a brand new adult with a very unstable recent history, a still developing story about his own worth, and no support.
posted by beanie at 4:06 PM on November 16, 2013 [40 favorites]


Attend the wedding.

Offer to host the rehearsal dinner at your home.
posted by bq at 4:14 PM on November 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


I'm looking for advice as I have no idea what to do and need to hear what others think or tell me that I'm being an asshole.

You're being an asshole.

Frankly, by the tone of your question, I get the feeling it's not his marriage you think is a huge mistake.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:14 PM on November 16, 2013 [36 favorites]


Also wanted to add that attending a wedding isn't just a nice, supportive thing to do, it's being witness to a part of your son's life that will end up being very important whether you are a part of it or not. Refusing to go is not likely to make them change their mind.
posted by stoneandstar at 4:15 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


You should go to the wedding.

If you can, you should help pay for at least some of the stuff you said you would, but if you can't afford the dinner where they want, perhaps you can suggest/discuss a more affordable option.

I don't understand all of the anger---your kid is (finally?) stepping up to do the responsible thing, given that his girlfriend is pregnant, and you're angry about this? What would you have him do? Abandon his pregnant girlfriend?
posted by leahwrenn at 4:15 PM on November 16, 2013 [18 favorites]


Wedding debt is pure insanity, and you should absolutely not fall for it. Speak to the fiancee's parents and frankly say that you can't manage the share of the wedding expenses that is being proposed. When a poor kid marries a rich kid, the rich kid's parents pay for everything. This will also set a good precedent if her family wants to keep on supporting their princess -- you don't want them to think that you are going to paying for a share of the SUV they want her to have so the kid is safe on the road, etc.

However, beyond that, in what world is this marriage a bad idea?

You can't find a social defect that doesn't correlate massively to illegitimacy -- not marrying the mother of one's child is the problematic decision, no matter what the age. That parents are supposed to wait until it's perfect to get married is frankly a piece of lower-class cognitive fail, not a principle that sensible people follow.

Military family benefits are very nice. Wanting to extend them to the mother of your child is a sensible thing to do. Some people actually join the military to get those benefits.

Having "very wealthy" people as your supportive (if perhaps not yet 100% approving) in-laws is infinitely better than having them as your baby-mama's humiliated and enraged parents, especially if you think they'd be eager to fund lawyers when the chips are down.
posted by MattD at 4:17 PM on November 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


I think it's time for step-son to grow up. That means he has to face the consequences of his decisions.

I think you should support this step in his growing up. When he's a "grown up" you won't be supporting him financially any more. Emotionally you will be there, but not financially. If he's ready to start a family then he needs to be responsible for that family.

As for the wedding. I think you should be as supportive as you are able. Traditionally the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner. I think you should take on that duty, but only as much as you can afford. If that means you host the Wedding Party and the new In-Laws at your house for a 6 foot sub, so be it. Do not feel obligated to go into debt for this. Do what you can afford and don't apologize for it.

As for the rest, tell them honestly that you are broke. You cannot contribute any more of your meager savings.
posted by TooFewShoes at 4:26 PM on November 16, 2013


Look, I understand.

My own daughter got married too young and two children later, the marriage is kaput (for what were reasonable reasons, for what it matters.)

Go to the wedding. Anything else is cutting your nose off to spite your face.

As to the rehearsal dinner....can you sit down with them and explain gracefully that finances only allow something simple?

I understand your anger. I do. But there is a baby here. Your wife's first grandchild. No matter what happens, that is a fact. From what I have observed (my son in law went into the Navy when their pregnancy happened) the armed services will do quite a lot to grow him up and make a mature man of him. And yes, the marriage may or may not work out. But he would have to pay child support no matter what, so he might as well do what he can to make sure his child is provided for.


And let me say one more thing. HIS LIFE IS NOT OVER. HE HAS NOT F*CK*D UP HIS LIFE. I know. Because I thought my daughter had messed up hers, and I can say from my vantage point now, she didn't. Life might be harder, but she is doing well. And chances are so will your stepson. The mere fact he is stepping up for this baby says to me he is trying to be responsible.

You have done a yeoman's job so far for this kid. Don't stop now. Go to the wedding.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:46 PM on November 16, 2013 [30 favorites]


We originally said yes to both, but are planning on telling them that after reviewing our finances, we can't pay for the dinner.

Find some way to keep your word, such as a less expensive option-- unless you can truly say you can't afford it at all. Otherwise you are going to come across as being spiteful and self-serving. It's awfully convenient to decide you disapprove of this wedding and thereby save yourself a lot of money. People don't soon forget that kind of thing.
posted by BibiRose at 4:49 PM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]


Oh, one more thing. Stop the judgmentalism for one very good reason. You said your wife was a teen mom. Do you think your son can't do math? You don't want him to feel like his own birth was a burden and a mistake. If you aren't careful with your words, he will think exactly that.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:51 PM on November 16, 2013 [23 favorites]


go to the wedding. pay for what you can. encourage them to get premarital counseling. enjoy your future grandkid. congrats on the grandkid!
posted by wildflower at 4:55 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think you should go to the wedding, for all the reasons outlined above.

As far as paying for anything, why not sit down and figure out the total amount you can afford to pay, and offer it to them saying: "$2000 (or whatever) is all we can afford to contribute to your wedding expenses. We'll leave it up to you to figure out what you want to spend it on." That way you save all of you the hassle of you-the-parents being involved in their wedding choices; they can decide all on their own if they want to shoot the whole wad on dinner, or scale back dinner so they can get the cake and invitations they want, or whatever.

Of course if they get super-pissy about it, then you can discuss the option of not giving them anything at all.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:56 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I just thought of something. Lots of military couples have a courthouse wedding and then have the big shindig later. Just saying.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:56 PM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


If he wants to be treated like an adult to make his own decisions, he will have to also pay his own way for those decisions, that is what adults do, they don't ask their parents (who have almost bankrupted themselves because of their son's drug addiction) to pay for things anymore.

You should go no matter what. You want him to know that you will always be there emotionally for him. If this marriage falls apart, you want him to be able to come and talk to you. If you don't go, it will damage the relationship that you have with him way more than it will make your point of disapproval.

If you can't afford it, you shouldn't pay. He wants to be an adult, I would treat him like one. A young man who will have a wife and child to soon support should not be asking you to pay for a $1000+ rehearsal dinner if he can't afford it himself. Plus, I think it's tacky that they made all the arrangements and expect you to foot the bill. I would offer to do something much smaller and less expensive and make that your wedding gift as well.
posted by NoraCharles at 4:57 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


But that's what we did because it was the right fucking thing to do and that's what good parents would do to give him a shot at life and becoming the man he was destined to be.

Why is marrying the girl who's carrying your baby so that she gets a bit more money coming in a bad thing? Your step-son is choosing to step up in a way his own father didn't. To him this is "the right fucking thing to do and that's what good parents would do to give (the baby) a shot" at a better life than the kid would have if your stepson had walked away.

I think you should go to the wedding and throw a rehearsal dinner that is within your means. Make that your wedding gift.

And prepare yourself. Your wife will likely be spending money on this baby, her grandchild, for years to come.

Please don't judge a pregnant 16 year old for not wanting to drive 30 minutes each way on the interstate at night. Plenty of MeFites here on Ask have anxieties w/r/t driving. Perhaps *somebody* could have volunteered to drive her.
posted by kimberussell at 5:05 PM on November 16, 2013 [54 favorites]


Of course you go to the wedding. Jesus. They're making what you believe to be a poor decision, and you've let them know that you think so. Voicing your concerns is fine. But they've heard your concerns and they're making this decision nonetheless.

"I don't support it"? What a bizarre statement. You don't agree with it. Supporting their children is exactly what parents should do. And of course I mean "supporting" emotionally; I don't mean you should be throwing money at them for the rest of their lives, and I don't mean keeping your concerns to yourself and always pretending you agree wholeheartedly with everything they do. They made a decision. Respect it. Be there for them. Love them. Maybe the marriage will work out badly, but that's not relevant to whether or not you should emotionally support them in their decision once made.

"Do I have the right to avoid going to this wedding"? Again, how bizarre. Yes, you have the right. Of course you have the right. You have the right to screw up your wife's relationship with her son for, apparently, the sake of basking in the glow of your RIGHTEOUS I-TOLD-YOU-SO ANGER. You have the right to do a lot of dumb things.

What do you think not going to the wedding is going to accomplish? My guess is that it will significantly alter your stepson's relationship with his mother (and you) for the worse. No matter whether the marriage turns out as badly as you expect or whether it's the greatest marriage ever: The relationship between your wife and her son will become more strained. Is that what you want?

As for paying for things you said that you would pay for, of course you should pay for things that you said you would pay for. The time to decide that you couldn't afford it was before you promised that you would pay for it.

Of course if you literally are incapable of paying, or it honestly would really be a serious hardship, you should tell them so (as soon as possible), but it doesn't sound to me like that's the case. It sounds to me like you don't want to pay. You'd rather put that $750 that you have towards a future house payment or some diapers for a future child. Those are fine things to want, but you should have thought of that before you promised to pay.

And of course, if you promised to pay for a rehearsal dinner, as opposed to promising to pay for a rehearsal dinner at this particular restaurant or for this particular price, that's different; tell them you'll pay, but not for that, and give them a price range to look for options in.

All in all, it sounds to me like you're looking for excuses to punish them in whatever way you can. So, I'm glad that you asked to be told if you're being an asshole. You're being an asshole.
posted by Flunkie at 5:07 PM on November 16, 2013 [16 favorites]


HIS LIFE IS NOT OVER. HE HAS NOT F*CK*D UP HIS LIFE.

I wanted to do more than just favorite that. Because your wife also had a kid as a teenager and it doesn't seem to have destroyed her life, either. Made it inconvenient at times? Sure. Kids can be hard sometimes. Not having kids can be hard sometimes. Life is hard sometimes. One thing that happens when you're 18, even if it's an unexpected baby and a marriage that MIGHT not work out, does not permanently destroy your life, and talking like it does is not respectful of the other important person in your life who's been through that.
posted by Sequence at 5:08 PM on November 16, 2013 [14 favorites]


Okay, first: attending the wedding itself. Yes, I think you and his mom SHOULD attend; it is, to be blunt, The Right Thing To Do, and attendance doesn't mean "We think this marriage is a good idea" as "We support our son and wish him well".

Next: paying for the cake, the invitations and the rehearsal dinner. "A few hundred" for the cake plus the rehearsal dinner at about $1300 ($70 x 15 people, plus 25% tip) means around $1600; not sure what invitations would run. Call the whole thing $2000. Alternatively, see if there's a more affordable restaurant available: $40 times 15 people plus tip = $1000, which alone would save $300 over that $70/per plate. Perhaps let your stepson know that a less-expensive restaurant would make it POSSIBLE for you to afford the cake?

Not sure why they want you to pay for the invitations; that's usually one of the many things included in what the bride's family pays for. But, well..... as with the cake and the rehearsal dinner: if you CAN, do it.

Just make it very, VERY clear to them that you will pay (for everything: the cake, the invitations, and the dinner) x amount, whether $2000 or whatever you can manage, as a sort of "final parental expense" --- you'll pay up to your stated amount, and not one single penny more. Your stated amount can be spent any way they choose, but you won't add anything to it.
posted by easily confused at 5:12 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


Why are they getting married you ask, why it's simply for the financial reasons (the military gives more to married couples) and because the girlfriend's parents are willing to pay for it.

Actually, I didn't ask. Before I saw this sentence, I knew why they were getting married: they're going to have a child. They're going to be parents very soon, and they've decided to get married. They're totally allowed to do this. You have to accept this. It isn't up to you. And there are very good reasons to get married to your child's mom/dad. So they're not getting married "simply for the financial reasons." But if it also makes financial sense, that's another reason for them to get married. I do understand that he's been very frustrating to deal with for years. But you apparently didn't turn your back on him during all those years — why would you now?

Financing the wedding is another question entirely. I have no opinion about that. But at minimum, you should go to the wedding.
posted by John Cohen at 5:38 PM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


There was something like that in my family. Couple wanted to get married. One set of parents was like "NO" (reasons: partners nose too big & partners allegedly wrong major in uni). Couple were around 30 and both had finished their advanced degrees before the wedding & having kids.

Guess what: now, like 30 years later, there still is resentment because of those concerns and reservations. The marriage survived despite big noses and allegedly wrong career choices. Their kids are grown now but people in the family still remember and talk about those reservations and stupid reasons freaking 30 years later. It hurt them back then and it hurts them still.

Does that sound like a nice future for your family? You're talking about more kids, about shared goals with your wife. Remember: your stepson will play some part in all of this, he'll be a part of your life and family for a long time to come.

You voiced your concerns once, it's smart to let it go now. Attend the wedding, smile, congratulate them. Keep your word (even financially as much as possible).

If you are financially unable to cover the entire cost maybe suggest to pay for now but only cover x% as a gift and have them pay you pack some of the remaining %.
posted by travelwithcats at 5:39 PM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


My parents had me when they were teenagers, they got married not long after I was born.

I am sure that my grandparents thought my parents were insane, but they supported them in every possible way they could. My parents were not ready to be parents, they struggled, they made decisions my grandparents did not like, but they still supported them.

I am saying this because I know that because of the support my parents received from their families, I know that my parents were able to be better parents, my life was much more stable and full of love.

You are about to become a grandparent.
posted by inertia at 5:48 PM on November 16, 2013 [12 favorites]


If you really want a good look at the difference in pay between being married / not married in the military, just use this handy BAH Calculator. (Basic Allowance for Housing).

Since your son is young and just recently entered the military, if he was single he'd likely be living in some sort of barracks - and NOT receiving BAH.

If he was married (i.e. has a dependent) and living in base housing he would NOT receive BAH. Living in base housing depends on availability, rank, etc.

If he was married and authorized to live out in town, he would receive BAH w/ dependents relative to his rank and location.

Point is... getting married for the money isn't always a valid reason - it's something of a misconception in the younger ranks to be honest. That being said, I've seen plenty of younger sailors rush to get married when they know in advance that base housing isn't available (so they'll be sure to get BAH) and then get moved to a different base several years later to a base that DOES have housing and.... POOF all that extra cash is gone.

This doesn't take into account the healthcare benefits under TRICARE for your stepson's new wife and baby.
posted by matty at 5:53 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Your stepson is getting married because he believes it is the best decision for his child.

Even if you disapprove of his romantic choices, you should absolutely support his choice to do his best as a father. This isn't about him as a kid anymore, this is about the beginning of his life as an adult and a parent. As his parent, you should absolutely be at that wedding.
posted by sonika at 6:16 PM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]


Maybe it's just my socioeconomic background, but this to me seems like one of many ways that families are formed. Maybe it's not the ideal perfect life that you envisioned for your stepson, or that he envisioned for himself, but a baby is on the way, and that baby is the reality that has to be dealt with now.

My parents were 18 when I was born - they were high school sweethearts who intended to get married eventually, but they sure weren't planning or ready for it when my mom got pregnant. My dad dropped out of college to join the Navy to support me and my mom (and my brother two years later). My mom had a nursing degree but couldn't work because they couldn't afford childcare. It was definitely hard - we struggled financially (although I never went without necessities), my father in particular was still pretty immature and had a terrible temper and was really impatient with us. But even with all of that, there was a lot of love in our home, and my parents will be celebrating their 40th anniversary next year. I don't think our family was a failure for starting off the way it did.

My brother and his wife were friends with benefits with no other intentions when she got pregnant. They weren't as young as my parents had been, but were in their early 20's (while most of their kids' friends' parents are a good 10-15 years older), and they had a really rocky relationship in some respects. But they got married, have a second kid, and while I wouldn't say their marriage is the best, they've built a solid family for 13 years, and have two spectacular kids, who are happy and adored.

I don't mean to keep going on about my particular family situation, but I guess I feel like these are pretty ordinary stories. If a baby is born, planned or not, the parents come together and make the best of the situation. It sounds like your stepson is doing a good job of doing his best for his new family - and if you recognize that they're in a difficult situation, you must know how much more difficult it would be without the emotional support of his family.

I also agree with everyone who points out that choosing to boycott attending the wedding is a very loud Statement - and that is a position you do not want to put your wife in.

And it may be a cliche, but perhaps it will be easier once the baby is here. I'm not saying it won't still be difficult, but lots of people are really won over by a new baby in the family and have warm relationships with their grandchildren. Families happen. Life is hard. But families can either help each other out, or make things harder for each other. You can at least choose to not make it any harder for them.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 6:16 PM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]


I think that he is being very adult and responsible about this and trying to be a decent guy.

I think that you are being very childish and controlling about this, and care more about what you think he "owes" you than being a decent person.

But everything that you gave him, you gave "because it was the right thing to do". When you do do something because it's the right thing to do, you don't get a reward. You don't get compensation. He doesn't have to spend the rest of his life grovelling at your feet and doing what you say as a return on your investment. He's not an investment, he is a human being planning to marry the mother of his child. He IS meeting his potential. This is part of his potential. He is, by many standards, doing the right thing- including his own. That doesn't guarantee that it will turn out the way he wants, but dping the right thing does not guarantee that things will turn out the way you want.

Doing the right thing also does not guarantee that people will turn out the way you want.

Get over yourself. Go to the wedding, and try having some compassion and love rather than this heap of resentment. Remember, he didn't ask to be born.
posted by windykites at 6:20 PM on November 16, 2013 [12 favorites]


When he was all of 23, my brother told the family that he planned to marry his girlfriend (who may not have been 21 at that point), only a few months after our mother died. Both Dad and I told him that it was not a good idea, for a variety of reasons. They would not listen, being in love and all that. My dad still attended the wedding. The marriage fell apart, but for reasons that none of us could have predicted. Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor and passed some years later, but my brother and his wife made sure to be at his bedside while he was in hospice.

So please go to his wedding, even if you and the wife have a thousand reasons to believe it's a bad idea. You can withdraw financial support, but simply being in the room means you value the relationship with your stepson more than your being right about whether this marriage ultimately survives or fails.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:20 PM on November 16, 2013


Imagine what life could be like in 5 years if you do attend, and imagine what it could be like in 5 years if you don't attend.

Perhaps you could talk them into a less-expensive rehearsal dinner.

Good luck. This sounds really hard. You've been through so much and given up so much. Having a good relationship with your stepson and potential grandchild could be a reward, but you're only human, and there's no way to know how all this is going to play out..
posted by amtho at 6:25 PM on November 16, 2013


My daughter got married to a guy I hated when she was 18. I went, we all went, including my parents. None of us liked the guy. He was the parent who was watching his daughter at the roller rink she went to when she was 16. Unbeknownst to me, they started dating on the sly. His daughter was 2 years younger than mine. So please, consider yourself lucky that your son is at least dating one of his peers. Kids have sex, it's normal. Women get pregnant. That is also normal. If a guy marries the girl, now a woman all too soon, that shows he is living up to his responsibility, and you did something right! Yay, you!!! Now that baby has a fighting chance, I think that's worth it, myself.

He turned out to be a jerk and got her into stripping and coke (!). She left him, now she's with another guy, has a child with him, going back to school, and works as a merchandising rep on the side as well. She has called me with advice on gardening, baking, what to do if the car breaks down... all those completely lovely normal things that kids call you about. She has never called me about doing drugs or abuse since that time (before she had her daughter it was extremely rough going). My granddaughter's only concern is getting sparkly boots and Ugg imitations. Her dad, y daughter's partner, works full time, they have been together for 8 years, and he also does not do drugs.

My daughter's stepdad is her dad to her. They get together every Black Friday and hunt down the deals. He was hard on her about cleaning and she is now a clean freak. But we stuck with her. Now my son is going through a similar rough patch and she is sticking by her little brother and showing him tough love at the same time.

So if you can't afford the dinner, don't do it, but please, just go and support them. You don't know what the future holds. Kids look up to their parents and step parents -- forget the step part, please. You are a force in his life. We have been there for my son, my husband is his step dad and yeah, it gets old after a while when they act all shitty. Cops and verbal abuse, etc. It's rough stuff. But give them a good send off, because you know it gets tough after this big ass fancy party. Show them love and give them a good memory. Be classy about it, too. It's not that girl's fault her folks call her a princess, but it is your fault for judging her. Bite your tongue, be there, and then gradually lower the support. But I dare you to say no to a grand kid. I just bought mine boots. You can't beat a phone call saying, "hi Nana, thank you, oh, look, there are cows out here!" etc.

And my daughter understands me not sending her scads of money, because she works for it. But she still needs me, to talk to me about stuff, ask me about things, tell me about her garden and her roses, how did I do this or that. And your son will still need to talk to you about things, ask you how to fix a car, how to deal with a wife, someone to be there for him and ground him. I get bitter too, sometimes, but then I remember my brother dying at 31, and life is short, yanno? Just do what you can and try to leave off the rest. Treat yourself and your wife to a nice day out and dinner after it's all over and be glad they are off on their own.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:42 PM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]


Guess what? Joining the military is going to grow that kid up. Getting married is going to grow him up even more. Having a baby will really grow him up. If he gets a divorce, that will grow him up, too.

This is what you call living a life. Let him do it.

Buy the cake. Make invitations on your printer with nice paper. Offer to pay for dinner at a different place, if you can't afford the one they chose. Or just offer him a set amount that you can afford and let them use at whatever restaurant they want--he can put up the rest if it matters that much to him.

Go to their marriage. Say nothing negative. Support him emotionally as much as you can. Have a little faith that you've raised him right and things will turn out OK.

Then take a deep breath and let go of your resentment. Believe me, you'll feel better.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:05 PM on November 16, 2013 [17 favorites]


You have a lot of feelings about your stepson. For most of them, your individual therapy will be the place to process the anger and resentment. You're absolutely entitled to your feelings and they are entirely valid. But you will regret being ruled by them.

My impression is that you are a bit too volatile now to make any major stands. If you can more or less part with the money, then part with money. Definitely go to the wedding, and try to muster all your hope and joy for him. You have your own values about weddings, but traditionally, providing financially for your child and her mother was an eminently respectable and even truly traditional reason the get married. You may see him as a scammer, but address that in therapy, and dance at the wedding.

Try to step back with some perspective. Even if you are totally right and it all goes down in flames within the year, what good will you have done for anybody by fighting over something you have no control over, something so deeply personal and emotional? There is so much more potential for harm than good, boycotting his wedding. It sounds like you feel like you have made more than enough compromises and sacrifices for him already. That is more than fair enough. It would still be really stupid to go through all the tough times only to refuse to celebrate what he sees as a good time.

(NB I only say pay for the dinner because you already said you would and going back would be a source of stress if not contention, not because of any inherent responsibility to pay for his wedding).
posted by Salamandrous at 8:15 PM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


Are you kidding? Of course you go to the wedding. Just because you think it'll end in divorce (and you're probably right) you still want it to hold together. The marriage, and more importantly the baby, are happening whether you're there our not, so you may well do what you can to help them turn out ok.

If you can't afford to pay for the dinner, then you can't. Suggest a cheaper alternative, up to hosting it at your home with their preparing it.
posted by kavasa at 9:00 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Echoing beanie's first paragraph, this could be an opportunity to reflect back to him the way you've seen him grow more mature recently.

He may have it all together like you'd wish, but you've shown he's gotten a lot more together than he'd been able to in the past. The context of his wedding is really a place to focus on that growth and maturity — and honestly, doing that may make you feel better about your stepson, his wife, her parents, their child, and this whole situation.
posted by spbmp at 9:07 PM on November 16, 2013


You will regret it if you don't go. When you are older and he is older, even if he fucks up everything from here on out, you will regret not being there.

You are hurting because he needed and needed and needed from you and it seemed like that part was over and now he did this (got girl pregnant, is marrying her for stupid reasons, asked for money) and you are so goddamn tired of dealing with him needing you and you want to focus on your life.

Which is completely understandable. It really is.

But you have to separate those feelings from the wedding/marriage/grandchild. In the end, this is just a wedding. It will either lead to a marriage that works, or one that doesn't, but neither of those is under your control. You have a grandchild on the way, and your stepson has only you and your wife to look to as his models. So you have to be those models. You have to show love. Not be a doormat, but be willing to accept his love for her because you love him. Which you clearly do.

I don't think that obligates you to put yourself in the way of financial harm, though. Tell them you'll pay for a cheaper place of your choosing, and then pick one you can afford. They'll probably go along.

You're not an asshole, you're a person who is trying to live his life and be a parent. If you're going to have more kids, let me tell you; there's no guarantees things will be easy with them. This is how it is, sometimes. Reach out for help; friends, counseling, whatever you can get; take a deep breath; and go to the wedding.
posted by emjaybee at 10:45 PM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


The question is not whether you support the wedding. It is do you want to support your stepson. If yes, go. If no or don't care, don't go if you don't want to. Everything else is smoke.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:15 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


As far as the money -- pffft. I've seen good advice both ways in this thread. I lean toward heavy on the love, light on the money. Do you think your son cares about some stupid big dinner? He doesn't. He'd rather slide his hands into his girlfriend's shorts, upstairs in his bedroom, while you have the dinner downstairs in the family room. Have the dinner at your home, or at a hall, at the Elks lodge maybe, deviled eggs and ham sandwiches and ice tea and cold beer, lots of festive, hearty fart food. If you want to make it fancy-pants, cut the crusts off the bread and cut the sandwiches into quarters. Done! Cards? Whatever -- make them on your puter. Heavy on the warmth, light on the dough.

But the wedding? You've got to gut up. Set your disappointments aside, set your judgements aside. This isn't your day. It's his day, and hers, and that little babies day, too. Please take this seriously, please set your anger and resentment(s) aside. It'll be so much better for you, for them, for everyone. I promise you: your wife isn't saying so -- she knows what you've given, how you've bent for this son -- your wife isn't saying so to you but she'll be so. damn. relieved. if you can be here for the big day, and by being here I don't just mean your physical presence. It really is a big day, too, perhaps the biggest day in these young peoples lives, damn sure one of them.

Your son -- and he is your son, like it or not -- your son is marrying this woman. Go ahead, call her a girl if you want, if it makes you feel better. In fact, harp on about her being in a rehab. Meanwhile, back here on earth, not only is your son marrying this woman, she's having his child. Your grandchild.

Try that one on, Gramps.

I've been smiling this whole time, since reading your question, and reading the responses. What if you fall head over heels for this baby? I bet you do. I'd put big bucks on it, because life is so often a big bag of tricks, and wouldn't that be one of the best? You'll have to eat so much crow, and you'll eat it all day long, a big smile on your face, so long as you get to burp that little girl, who you will be willing to fight fucking lions for.

Life isn't perfect. Families are bloody places, there is meat and blood there, and gristle and bone. Making sausage often not pretty, etc and etc. Whether you're willing to look at this or not, your wife having this child so young almost certainly contributed to his life going south-sided as it has. More -- you being there on the scene has absolutely contributed to him turning around. More still -- when you save someones life, you are bound to them. And they are bound to you. Like it or not, he's your son. You gave him that. You opened to him. You don't get to close off now, not thoughtlessly, not carelessly, not if you're going to be A Citizen.

Love that boy. Love his wife. I know you don't want this, I know I wouldn't either, were I in your shoes. But it's here. It is what it is. Bolt on your big-boy pants, gut up and smile at them all. Tell that girl you love her -- won't that suck? Yep, it will. You hold her, look her dead in the eye, and tell her you love her. Welcome her into your life -- she's there anyways, why make it hard for everyone? And it'll do you worlds of good, and even if she's a big goof now I promise you she will remember your kind and loving words her whole damn life.

Close your wallet. Open your heart. He's off and on his way after this, he's launched. You come home from that wedding, you climb into bed with your wife, and Holy Shit! you made it, it's just you and her now. The silences in your home are going to be just amazing. Spectacular silences, it'll be like resting your soul in the softest of wool. Rub her feet, from those stupid shoes she bought for the wedding, tell her how much you love her, climb into bed, turn off the light, pull her close, and tell her nice things.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:22 PM on November 16, 2013 [15 favorites]


It's OK to revise the rehearsal dinner budget IF you do so in a humble respectful manner.

What does your wife think?

Going into the military today is dangerous. I somehow doubt your wife is keen to miss any moments she can spend with her son.

Focus on the baby and go to the wedding. You want to cultivate an awesome relationship with this girl and her parents for the sake of your grandchild.

That is all I've got.
posted by jbenben at 12:19 AM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you genuinely cannot afford the rehearsal dinner as-is, and there is indeed time to plan for something more modest, then it would be okay to mention that. But I'm with everyone who recommends you base it on your finances, and not what you think of the marriage.

There's a very similar story in my friend circle – there was a guy in my class who was kind of troubled but very sweet all in all, and he fell for a girl a couple years younger, who was a friend of mine through church (back when I had to be a member because of family). He was 16 when they fell in love, she was 14. Once he was 18, his parents kicked him out of the house. "You're an adult, get out," essentially, and without any warning. That bit is different, yes, but the rest is very similar: the now-16-year-old young woman came from a well-to-do family, but they wanted her to break things off with him. The young man's family eventually admitted that they hoped kicking him out would break up the two as well.

What happened? He joined the military, proposed to his sweetheart, and they got married a few months later, with no one present from either of their families.

20 years later, they are still very happily married, with three children. As much as I too am wary of such youthful relationships, when it came to theirs, one thing shone through, and you may want to look honestly and see if this is the case for your young couple as well: they truly, genuinely, respected each other, and had realistic ideas about what was ahead of them. The young man made choices that prioritized a stable, viable future for he and the young woman he wanted as his wife. The young woman was absolutely prepared to sacrifice her privileged upbringing, and she knew what that meant. We talked about it, as friends; she knew it would mean raising babies on her own, cleaning a house on her own, learning to cook – and so she took home economics in high school in order to do that. She graduated high school with her husband's support, and later went to med school and finished a nursing-type program, also with his support, and with their first child born. They both work now (he still in the military), move around the US quite a bit, and whenever they post photos together, I can still see the giddy, adoring smiles they would only get with each other.

If by chance they are less responsible than that (though from what you say, your stepson sounds very upright), well, they have still chosen to get married. You shouldn't feel obligated to pay more than you can, but again, that should be with your finances in mind, not any judgement you have about the future of their marriage. As others have said, this can cause huge, lifelong rifts. Show support for the maturity they've evidenced, and that will also stay with them.
posted by fraula at 12:54 AM on November 17, 2013 [4 favorites]


Wow, I'm flummoxed by this question and by the responses I read (didn't read all of them cuz there are just too many at this point, so I apologize if I am duplicating content here). I just have a totally different read on this situation than you, poster and than anyone whose response I have read.

I can understand you being upset that your financial resources have been sucked dry by your stepson's addiction.

But.

First, and hugest of all, YOUR STEPSON MADE A BABY. If that is not the absolute best reason in the entire world to continue supporting him (emotionally if not financially) I don't know what is. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A GRANDCHILD. Don't you want to be a part of this child's life?? If not, I guess go ahead and alienate his or her father before he or she is even born.

Second, I view at as extremely responsible of your stepson to get married after having fathered a child--perhaps, if your account is accurate, the first responsible thing he's done. You state that you see no good reason for his getting married, which surprises and confuses me; to me (and to many others) bringing a child into the world and wanting to raise that child in a solid family unit is one of the best reasons there is. Maybe your stepson isn't ready for this--probably he isn't--but the action of getting married is a commendable one, not an irresponsible or immature one. He will probably make mistakes, but making those mistakes as an involved father married to the child's mother is so infinitely much better than his walking away and going on with his life.

Third, you promised to pay for certain things. If you go back on your word, you are the one being immature. Mature people keep their promises. You have only yourself to blame if you agreed to payments that were out of your financial reach. At this point, you've already agreed and the time for declining is over.
posted by parrot_person at 4:20 AM on November 17, 2013 [6 favorites]


#1. $2000 for a wedding is a bargain. I would just budget it and forget it. 10 years down the line, whatever drama you avoid will be worth far more than the $2000 you spent. If we were talking $5K or $10K or $20K, this would be a very different situation. But $2K for son's wedding is very much in suck it up, pay it, and shut up about it territory. One thing you could do is, say you've set aside $2K for their wedding expenses plus wedding gift, and you'll give them anything left over from the $2K in cash. Thus encouraging them to be frugal if they so choose and to take the consequences themselves if they make a non-frugal choice. But once you have set up that framework it becomes 100% the newlywed couple's choice as to how to spend the $2000 and you don't say one word about whatever choice they make.

#2. Show up at the wedding, and what's more, show up and smile. Absolutely do not show in any way, by what you say, by your facial expression, by your body language, or in any other way, that this is anything other than the happiest day of your life.

#3. If you want to talk to your son about his marriage choices before the wedding fine (sounds like you already tried). If you want to tell him he is now financially independent, and can't depend on you for any loans, financial gifts, or anything of that sort, that is fine as well. But have those conversations well before the wedding day and make them mature, intelligent, adult discussions, not fights.

#4. We all know this new marriage has a higher than usual probability of falling apart disastrously. But there are also other possibilities, some of them much better--and sometimes those happen, too. You boycotting the wedding and/or showing up and being clearly unhappy does not do anything at all to help steer them away from the potential disasters or towards potential better outcomes. You showing up to support your son, you making it the happiest day of their and your lives (even if it is only for one day), you letting go of past injustices and grudges because they are in the past and can't be changed now no matter how difficult and unjust they were in the past, and you setting reasonable adult boundaries with your son--all of those have at least some possibility of encouraging the best possible outcome. And they are all something you can do, whereas we know you can't get inside your son's head to change into some different configuration.

That's about all you can do at this point. Do what you can and let go the rest.
posted by flug at 6:01 AM on November 17, 2013 [4 favorites]


Suck it up for the wedding - people get super fixated on weddings, and refusing to pay or attend could have long-term repercussions. You don't need that on top of everything else you're dealing with. But only pay what you can afford.
posted by yarly at 6:05 AM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


Good on you for helping your step-son through his difficult years. I would suggest maybe that in therapy you focus on issues related to resentment of the kid for your doing what you did.

Don't pay for what you can't afford. That's a simple one. There may also be the issue that you would like to articulate your resentments by refusing payment; make it simple; don't pay for what you can't afford.

I am a little surprised that you don't consider the financial advantages of being married as a benefit to your wife's grandchild.

Finally, given that your step-son is off to serve his country and is trying to right by the girl he got pregnant, why don't you support him by going to his wedding? That seems plain as day right there, in terms of what the right thing to do is. Do the right thing, work out your resentments in therapy.
posted by angrycat at 6:08 AM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


I would absolutely not pay for a $70/plate rehearsal dinner for children getting married. No way. If you want to go to the ceremony, fine, but I would not contribute to this wedding.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:32 AM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think the resentment you feel towards this kid is completely understandable and I really sympathize. It sounds like you feel kind of like he ought to show some appreciation by taking your advice about stuff, and he hasn't, and you feel like after everything you've invested in him, you're all out of patience. Maybe your wife hasn't expressed as much appreciation as you would have liked, too. I get it.

But. First of all, as many here have pointed out, marrying this girl is, at this point, the responsible choice. Yes, if he had a time machine he could go back and un-pregnant her, but he can't now, and there's a baby on the way, and what's the option? Harangue the girl to abort? Sounds like it's too late, and indecent and impractical. Be a deadbeat dad? Also not great. Marry her, serve his country and do his best? Be proud of him for choosing that path.

Re paying - do I understand that you said you'd pay for the dinner but then later found out they wanted it fancier than you can afford? Then you need to tell them that your an only pay $X, and suggest an option you can afford. Or, tell them that $X is the amount you have to help them start their new life, and it's up to them how much gets spent on the party. Saying you'd pay doesn't mean they get a blank check, but it does mean it'd be pretty crummy to refuse to pay at all.

And of course you go to the wedding, with a smile on. Because you do love your wife, at least, and she needs you to do this. And ideally because you'll realize that despite your justifiable anger that your boy got this girl pregnant, marrying her now is a decent choice, and you should support it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:08 AM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


From my perspective a $2000 contribution from the groom's side for a wedding seems like you are getting off fairly lightly. You can let him know that this will be a one time gift, that you need them to be able to support themselves after the wedding, that you won't pay for further or future wedding expenses, etc. But $2000 itself for a wedding doesn't seem like a crazy ask, and I would be very hurt if I were your son and you said yes and then no to this.

Teenagers are by and large kind of selfish and self involved, and sometimes they make the wrong decisions -- the decision making part of their brain isn't fully developed. Sometimes I listen to teenagers talk in the coffee shop or the ice cream store with my daughter and I'm sort of horrified by them. There is a lot of vapid, self-centered, unconsidered, even mean decision making going on in those minds. I'm sure there are moments of greatness, too, but a great deal of it doesn't seem so. Related to this:

1. I'd be proud of your stepson that he is taking responsibility for his actions by not abandoning the mother of his soon to be child. That takes some guts.

2. I wouldn't be angry that a sixteen year old girl, who must have just learned to drive within the last year or so and who may or may not have been pregnant at the time, didn't want to drive for an hour in the dark to attend your son's ceremony. (Not sure why her parents didn't drive her -- were they not invited? Not sure whether you all lived close enough to drive her, either.) Driving at night can be hard for an inexperienced driver, and in fact many parents I know forbid their sixteen year olds from driving at night, so your attitude over this seems weird to me, unless you know she drove around at night all the time before this. Alternatively I'd also wonder whether there was something going on in their relationship at the time that you weren't aware of that made her not want to attend or not feel welcome.

Finally, since your wife, as the biological parent, is likely closer to your stepson than you are, I'd be very careful about pushing your point of view on her in this matter. I'm not saying you are, I'm just warning you that she may come to resent you if you push harder than her for a decision that ultimately alienates and hurts her son for years to come. That will be on you, and it could hurt your marriage.

Just one more thing: thank you for contributing so much financially and emotionally to your stepson's rehab and recovery from addiction. That was a really good and noble thing to do, and it makes my life better because I am safer outside my house. Seriously, thank you for that.
posted by onlyconnect at 10:11 AM on November 17, 2013 [5 favorites]


As others have said, going to the wedding and putting on a happy face is not the same as sanctioning it. You said your piece, which is all that a person can do. Literally, there's nothing else that you can do. It's not your life, you can only give a suggestion, give it once, and then step out of the frickin' way.

It also seems like you're conflating the attendance issue with the financial issue. Before discussing the issue with your step son again, you need to sort our your priorities and deal breakers on these issues separately for yourself. That's because other people are certainly going to interpret pulling out funding and refusing to attend the wedding as two sides of the same petty protest move. Really, there's nothing that you can say that's going to prevent the rumor mill from coming to that conclusion.

In other words, compromising on one of those two points is going to be a lot less harsh than trying to push through both of them. Which one is more important to you, skipping the wedding or taking back your offer of financial assistance? Are you willing to risk future relationships against either/both of these positions?

The reason why this is important is because weddings in particular often have a tendency to lead to years and years of family resentment and side choosing. Swallowing your pride now might mean not being disconnected from portions of your family later.

This kind of stink persists -- even if the unfolding of history turns out that you were right all along. Nobody ever turns back to congratulate the person that gave warning for fear of getting an "I told you so."
posted by Skwirl at 6:24 PM on November 17, 2013


If you're paying for the rehearsal dinner, you choose the place to have it.
posted by cass at 2:55 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


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