How to mend a broken heart after so many years?
November 14, 2013 5:52 PM Subscribe
There is this guy I've liked for the past four years. I'm 25 and he's 33. We were always good friends, very attracted to each other, but he always told me he never wanted a relationship, not just with me, but with anyone. But I always had very deep feelings for him, he was the first man I ever had sex with, and he cared for me a lot too; even got a little jealous when I had a boyfriend.
Anyway, he's been seeing this girl for a few months that he told me tonight he's really serious about her. It's killing me. He said the reason me and him never got together was because of timing, our age difference, and the fact that we are at different stages in life. He said he sees a better match with her than with me.
He said I'm amazing and it has nothing to do with me, but this whole scenario killed me. With me, it was casual hanging out, and with her, it's nice vacations,meeting his family, spending holidays together. He also came back to me once over the summer while they were broken up, but went back to her. It hurts so much to see him giving to someone else what I always wanted. How can I feel better? :(
First, accept the sad truth that love has little logic. If you comb through the askme archives there are gobs of questions which boil down to "why am I not in love with this empirically perfect person." It happens. (It happened to me and I'm still stumped as to why I didn't love that guy.)
Second, back away from this guy. Your heart can't heal if you keep tearing it open. You didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he didn't do anything wrong though I question the having sex with you part. Promise yourself six months of no contact. It'll suck at first, but it will really help in the long run.
posted by 26.2 at 6:05 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Second, back away from this guy. Your heart can't heal if you keep tearing it open. You didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he didn't do anything wrong though I question the having sex with you part. Promise yourself six months of no contact. It'll suck at first, but it will really help in the long run.
posted by 26.2 at 6:05 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
but he always told me he never wanted a relationship, not just with me, but with anyone
does not compute with
He said the reason me and him never got together was because of timing, our age difference, and the fact that we are at different stages in life. He said he sees a better match with her than with me.
Without much context or background to go on, it sounds like he has been keeping you around as an option for getting laid and/or he really enjoys toying with people. His jealousy when you had a boyfriend was just a reinforcement of that, giving you hope to be filed away for later when you became single and he could reappear. And also, telling you how much better matched he is with her? This guy knows damn well you are romantically interested in him and he's rubbing this shit in your face? Wow.
He also came back to me once over the summer while they were broken up, but went back to her.
I raged when I read this, probably because I have encountered a few of these types of guys. You say he cared about you but nobody who cared about you would EVER treat you like this. No contact is the way to go here. It's the only way to get over him. Take care.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:07 PM on November 14, 2013 [33 favorites]
does not compute with
He said the reason me and him never got together was because of timing, our age difference, and the fact that we are at different stages in life. He said he sees a better match with her than with me.
Without much context or background to go on, it sounds like he has been keeping you around as an option for getting laid and/or he really enjoys toying with people. His jealousy when you had a boyfriend was just a reinforcement of that, giving you hope to be filed away for later when you became single and he could reappear. And also, telling you how much better matched he is with her? This guy knows damn well you are romantically interested in him and he's rubbing this shit in your face? Wow.
He also came back to me once over the summer while they were broken up, but went back to her.
I raged when I read this, probably because I have encountered a few of these types of guys. You say he cared about you but nobody who cared about you would EVER treat you like this. No contact is the way to go here. It's the only way to get over him. Take care.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:07 PM on November 14, 2013 [33 favorites]
I'm sorry, this really sucks. For what it's worth, I bet this has a lot more to do with him and his life stages than anything you could change or fix.
Take a huge step back and stop talking to him. Why are you putting yourself in a position to hear him compare you and tell you about his happiness in hurtful ways? Next time he reaches out, remain silent.
posted by tinymegalo at 6:17 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
Take a huge step back and stop talking to him. Why are you putting yourself in a position to hear him compare you and tell you about his happiness in hurtful ways? Next time he reaches out, remain silent.
posted by tinymegalo at 6:17 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
First, if this guy knows how you feel about him and he came back and slept with you while he was broken up with his "real" girlfriend, he is a creep and a half. You are probably not going to listen to anyone right now when they say STAY AWAY FROM THIS ASSHOLE, because you're clearly still so enamored of him, but I'll state it anyway.... you should not have anything more to do with him.
Second, one thing you can take from this experience is that you don't do casual sex well. Keep that in mind next time you find a guy you like, and move slower. Maybe don't have sex until you've met the family, spent a holiday together, and/or whatever other things signify to you that you in fact do matter to him.
posted by parrot_person at 6:25 PM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]
Second, one thing you can take from this experience is that you don't do casual sex well. Keep that in mind next time you find a guy you like, and move slower. Maybe don't have sex until you've met the family, spent a holiday together, and/or whatever other things signify to you that you in fact do matter to him.
posted by parrot_person at 6:25 PM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]
Also, are you sure he is as good of a friend as you think he is? He knows you had feelings for him and then goes on about how serious he is about another woman? And he got jealous when you had a boyfriend? These things don't sound like what caring friends do for each other at all.
Think about it this way: if you had a female friend who found some "awesome" guy and had to blab about it when she knew you were down in the dumps about a relationship, would you find that a compassionate thing to do? If she got openly jealous when you found a significant other and her lovelife is non-existent, would that be being a supportive friend?
There are better men out there in this world than this guy, in regards to romantic relationships as well as friendship. It sounds like this relationship is taking a huge toll on your emotions at no cost to him. Whether you need to see each other less or to stop talking to him completely is something only you can decide.
The passage of time is the only sure thing that will make this situation hurt less. However, keep in mind that every time you contact him after you decided to move on, you just reset the clock. You spent four years pining for a man who strung you along even though he knew he would never be able to reciprocate those romantic feelings. This is a break-up of a four-year-long one-sided relationship: let that sink in and may the anger that comes with that realization propel you on to better things and better people.
posted by sevenofspades at 6:30 PM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]
Think about it this way: if you had a female friend who found some "awesome" guy and had to blab about it when she knew you were down in the dumps about a relationship, would you find that a compassionate thing to do? If she got openly jealous when you found a significant other and her lovelife is non-existent, would that be being a supportive friend?
There are better men out there in this world than this guy, in regards to romantic relationships as well as friendship. It sounds like this relationship is taking a huge toll on your emotions at no cost to him. Whether you need to see each other less or to stop talking to him completely is something only you can decide.
The passage of time is the only sure thing that will make this situation hurt less. However, keep in mind that every time you contact him after you decided to move on, you just reset the clock. You spent four years pining for a man who strung you along even though he knew he would never be able to reciprocate those romantic feelings. This is a break-up of a four-year-long one-sided relationship: let that sink in and may the anger that comes with that realization propel you on to better things and better people.
posted by sevenofspades at 6:30 PM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]
First off, please stop torturing yourself by looking.
Second, accept what he says that it has nothing to do with you.
Third, the next time they break up, don't let him "come back" to you.
posted by sm1tten at 6:44 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Second, accept what he says that it has nothing to do with you.
Third, the next time they break up, don't let him "come back" to you.
posted by sm1tten at 6:44 PM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ugh. This is the worst. And it's super common. That's why you see so much advice on MeFi for people in FWB situations who've developed feelings, to beware the point where the FWB starts seriously dating another person, because that's when the knife slides right into the ribs and twists.
How can you feel better? Realize he's not such a catch, first of all -- a man of better ethics wouldn't have gone to bed with you when he knew you loved him and that he wasn't going to love you back. (This really is a shitty thing to do.) Watch When Harry Met Sally, the scene where Sally has found out that her long term, didn't-want-marriage ex-boyfriend, has married his paralegal. Meditate on all the people in world, all the millions, to whom this has happened and who've gone on to find the loves of their lives and forgotten all about the people who tore their hearts up so much in the past. (I'm one of them! Hi!)
And obviously don't be a confidante to him again; and never, never a sexual fallback.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:48 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
How can you feel better? Realize he's not such a catch, first of all -- a man of better ethics wouldn't have gone to bed with you when he knew you loved him and that he wasn't going to love you back. (This really is a shitty thing to do.) Watch When Harry Met Sally, the scene where Sally has found out that her long term, didn't-want-marriage ex-boyfriend, has married his paralegal. Meditate on all the people in world, all the millions, to whom this has happened and who've gone on to find the loves of their lives and forgotten all about the people who tore their hearts up so much in the past. (I'm one of them! Hi!)
And obviously don't be a confidante to him again; and never, never a sexual fallback.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:48 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
Oh, hon.
He is being a selfish prick. I don't care what his other good qualities are: he might run a dogs' rescue and save children from burning buildings in his spare time, but if he did this:
He also came back to me once over the summer while they were broken up, but went back to her.
then he's behaving like a selfish prick.
None of this means he doesn't like you, and enjoy your company, and even respect you on some level. It just means he cares way more about himself than he does about you, and that's not love. Who knows, maybe he doesn't love his girlfriend, either; maybe he doesn't know how to love. (Unfortunately, there are many people like that out there.) It doesn't matter. The fact is, he doesn't love you as a partner, and you deserve SO much better.
Believe it. Then ask yourself, what would you do for your best friend if she was hurting the way you are right now? And what would you tell her to do for herself? Do that.
Stay strong. Every woman on MeFi who has ever experienced This Guy was feeling for you when she read this. You're a catch; hold your head up high and hold out for the guy who recognizes that, and acts accordingly.
This guy is not good enough for you.
posted by Salamander at 7:07 PM on November 14, 2013 [14 favorites]
He is being a selfish prick. I don't care what his other good qualities are: he might run a dogs' rescue and save children from burning buildings in his spare time, but if he did this:
He also came back to me once over the summer while they were broken up, but went back to her.
then he's behaving like a selfish prick.
None of this means he doesn't like you, and enjoy your company, and even respect you on some level. It just means he cares way more about himself than he does about you, and that's not love. Who knows, maybe he doesn't love his girlfriend, either; maybe he doesn't know how to love. (Unfortunately, there are many people like that out there.) It doesn't matter. The fact is, he doesn't love you as a partner, and you deserve SO much better.
Believe it. Then ask yourself, what would you do for your best friend if she was hurting the way you are right now? And what would you tell her to do for herself? Do that.
Stay strong. Every woman on MeFi who has ever experienced This Guy was feeling for you when she read this. You're a catch; hold your head up high and hold out for the guy who recognizes that, and acts accordingly.
This guy is not good enough for you.
posted by Salamander at 7:07 PM on November 14, 2013 [14 favorites]
A guy like that---he's not as great as you think he is. He's actually someone who likes to ramp up drama and likes that you pine after him.
Don't sell yourself short. You're really attracted to him, sure, but that's all it is. Don't get fixated on him as the One just because you slept with him and you're still attracted to him.
He's not that great of a guy. He's weird and likes to stir up drama. And being around him is bad for your self esteem, so cut yourself off of his contact and wAtch your life change for the better.
posted by discopolo at 8:19 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
Don't sell yourself short. You're really attracted to him, sure, but that's all it is. Don't get fixated on him as the One just because you slept with him and you're still attracted to him.
He's not that great of a guy. He's weird and likes to stir up drama. And being around him is bad for your self esteem, so cut yourself off of his contact and wAtch your life change for the better.
posted by discopolo at 8:19 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
but he always told me he never wanted a relationship, not just with me, but with anyone
Nobody ever means this. This is a nice way of saying that they don't want a relationship with you. I think everyone has to learn this the hard way once in their life.
posted by empath at 9:51 PM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]
Nobody ever means this. This is a nice way of saying that they don't want a relationship with you. I think everyone has to learn this the hard way once in their life.
posted by empath at 9:51 PM on November 14, 2013 [11 favorites]
I've been in almost this exact same situation, and yeah, it hurts like crazy! Here are a few things that helped me
1) Don't contact him anymore... that's the first step and will probably be the hardest. But any continued contact with him is just going to reinforce your feelings for him, and now that he's serious about someone you'll just be doing yourself a disservice to remain in that.
2) Accepting the fact that regardless of whether or not he was lying to you when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship... the person he wants to be with has come along and it isn't you. You've known him for four years, which is enough time for him to know whether or not he wants to be with you. He doesn't. Sorry. But, reminding myself of that over and over again has helped.
3) You deserve to be with someone who actually does want to be with you 100%. Even if his relationship with this other woman fails, don't let him come back to you. Because it won't ever turn into anything other than you two being casual-sex-having friends.
Other than that... take this time to focus on yourself and navigate life without him.
posted by Autumn at 10:33 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
1) Don't contact him anymore... that's the first step and will probably be the hardest. But any continued contact with him is just going to reinforce your feelings for him, and now that he's serious about someone you'll just be doing yourself a disservice to remain in that.
2) Accepting the fact that regardless of whether or not he was lying to you when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship... the person he wants to be with has come along and it isn't you. You've known him for four years, which is enough time for him to know whether or not he wants to be with you. He doesn't. Sorry. But, reminding myself of that over and over again has helped.
3) You deserve to be with someone who actually does want to be with you 100%. Even if his relationship with this other woman fails, don't let him come back to you. Because it won't ever turn into anything other than you two being casual-sex-having friends.
Other than that... take this time to focus on yourself and navigate life without him.
posted by Autumn at 10:33 PM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I came in to say everything thefutureiswritten wrote. Seriously! This guy is dick and he is NOT your friend!!
Stop being an audience. He's using you as an audience, he enjoys the pain he is causing you.
I know this because no one who had self respect could stand telling someone that wanted them romantically how happy they are with someone else.
That's just not how kind decent people roll.
But you know who does roll like that?
Damage narcissistic assholes. That's who.
Block. Delete. Entirely disengage.
See his behavior as SUPREMELY unattractive, and train yourself to only fall for people who are genuinely Good, good to you, and good for you.
This guy is ugly on the inside. DTMFA.
posted by jbenben at 10:51 PM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
Stop being an audience. He's using you as an audience, he enjoys the pain he is causing you.
I know this because no one who had self respect could stand telling someone that wanted them romantically how happy they are with someone else.
That's just not how kind decent people roll.
But you know who does roll like that?
Damage narcissistic assholes. That's who.
Block. Delete. Entirely disengage.
See his behavior as SUPREMELY unattractive, and train yourself to only fall for people who are genuinely Good, good to you, and good for you.
This guy is ugly on the inside. DTMFA.
posted by jbenben at 10:51 PM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
Best answer: And then there's this: Suppose you had actually managed to land him three years ago when you were gung-ho in love, you married, and now you have a child or two.
Guaranteed he'd still be gone when he met this woman - or a different one - and it would be even harder to get over than it is now.
And honestly, the woman who has managed to land him isn't getting any prize; he'll be gone when he meets someone who interests him more than she does, probably in less than four years; look how quickly he jumped back in your lap when the two of them had trouble.
Guys like this don't change. I know a couple in their 70s who still act the same way.
You'll find someone better - you deserve someone who cares about you enough to commit to you.
posted by aryma at 11:59 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
Guaranteed he'd still be gone when he met this woman - or a different one - and it would be even harder to get over than it is now.
And honestly, the woman who has managed to land him isn't getting any prize; he'll be gone when he meets someone who interests him more than she does, probably in less than four years; look how quickly he jumped back in your lap when the two of them had trouble.
Guys like this don't change. I know a couple in their 70s who still act the same way.
You'll find someone better - you deserve someone who cares about you enough to commit to you.
posted by aryma at 11:59 PM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: This exact same thing happened to me with a guy I fell for- D...... looking back I don't think he was a jerk or anything- he was honest about not wanting to be with me (or anyone else, he said) and didn't give me to great a hope otherwise. That was nice of him.
But in the end, I had to cut him off. I wrote him a long letter and then deleted him from my life. I couldn't have dealt with seeing him with another woman.
That was about 5 years ago now, and I think about him sometimes. I appreciate that he was a good person to have sex with as the late bloomer I was, that I wasn't in the right place to have a relationship back then etc.
But I am soooooo much happier now, I've grown up a lot and have a partner that wants to be with me. It's great, and I'm glad I didn't waste a whole lot of time on D.
So hating this man isn't a pre-requisite for moving on....
(ps- the older me knows that aryma is right- whoever does get him- isn't getting any prize... the guys in their 30's who you want to date- will have a little more clarity in what they want- not be running around saying they can't have a relationship while fucking someone who does want a relationship...to me, that's pretty immature and doesn't bode well for the women they do settle down with)
posted by misspony at 12:52 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
But in the end, I had to cut him off. I wrote him a long letter and then deleted him from my life. I couldn't have dealt with seeing him with another woman.
That was about 5 years ago now, and I think about him sometimes. I appreciate that he was a good person to have sex with as the late bloomer I was, that I wasn't in the right place to have a relationship back then etc.
But I am soooooo much happier now, I've grown up a lot and have a partner that wants to be with me. It's great, and I'm glad I didn't waste a whole lot of time on D.
So hating this man isn't a pre-requisite for moving on....
(ps- the older me knows that aryma is right- whoever does get him- isn't getting any prize... the guys in their 30's who you want to date- will have a little more clarity in what they want- not be running around saying they can't have a relationship while fucking someone who does want a relationship...to me, that's pretty immature and doesn't bode well for the women they do settle down with)
posted by misspony at 12:52 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
You meet a man and you want more but he makes it very clear that he is not interested in a relationship. You have sex and hang around hoping he will change his mind. You are never the woman in his life but you overlook that. Sweetheart you want to feel better? Take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you so readily believe that this is what you deserve? And why are you so ready to be the last on somebody's list? Stop focussing on him, your life needs you now!
posted by ladoo at 3:14 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by ladoo at 3:14 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
You have to make this about you again, not about him. Screw him, what about you? It's your life and your heart.
What do you want?
What do you want from a romantic relationship?
How do you want to feel?
How do you want to feel about someone you're dating?
When you look back on this relatioship, what story do you want to tell yourself?
Take charge by asking and answering these questions. Ask yourself more questions. Focus on what you want and need and start thinking of ways you can get those things. (tip: you can't get them from someone unavailable!)
If you don't want to be involved with someone who stings you along and only offers you crumbs of love, then make that a reality.
Insist repeatedly to yourself "I rock. I'm beautiful, amazing, smart, and funny. I totally completely deserve to treated well, to be a priority, to be someone else's one and only, to be someone's source of inspiration, to be on the receiving end of an enthusiastic and true passion, to be loved and adored by somene I love and adore back."
The moment you finally realize all of that is not just possible but true, you will begin to feel differently about him. You'll still have feelings for him, but you'll understand that he's not actually what you really want and deserve.
posted by Locochona at 4:04 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
What do you want?
What do you want from a romantic relationship?
How do you want to feel?
How do you want to feel about someone you're dating?
When you look back on this relatioship, what story do you want to tell yourself?
Take charge by asking and answering these questions. Ask yourself more questions. Focus on what you want and need and start thinking of ways you can get those things. (tip: you can't get them from someone unavailable!)
If you don't want to be involved with someone who stings you along and only offers you crumbs of love, then make that a reality.
Insist repeatedly to yourself "I rock. I'm beautiful, amazing, smart, and funny. I totally completely deserve to treated well, to be a priority, to be someone else's one and only, to be someone's source of inspiration, to be on the receiving end of an enthusiastic and true passion, to be loved and adored by somene I love and adore back."
The moment you finally realize all of that is not just possible but true, you will begin to feel differently about him. You'll still have feelings for him, but you'll understand that he's not actually what you really want and deserve.
posted by Locochona at 4:04 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
You need to break up with him. When someone tells you, "I don't want a relationship," it rarely means ever, it usually means, with you.
Go no contact, this is not someone you can be friends with. No friend would sleep with someone he knew had a crush on him, knowing that he didn't want a relationship with her.
That is terrible.
You are broken-hearted and you need to heal from it.
1. Tell him, via email, that you don't want to see him any more. If you change your mind, you will contact him.
2. Make some changes in your life, go on a road trip, take a class, get a certification. Get out and DO!
3. Gather your real friends and have them commiserate with you.
4. Make a playlist of great songs to break up by, "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair." "Too many fish in the sea" "Hey Jealousy" "We are never, ever, getting back together." "You oughta know" "Somebody that I used to know" There are millions of them out there, because we've all been there.
Just to reinforce, this guy is an asshole. You have wasted your love, time and kisses on this jerk. But no more. You're over it. Get angry and get on with your life!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:27 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Go no contact, this is not someone you can be friends with. No friend would sleep with someone he knew had a crush on him, knowing that he didn't want a relationship with her.
That is terrible.
You are broken-hearted and you need to heal from it.
1. Tell him, via email, that you don't want to see him any more. If you change your mind, you will contact him.
2. Make some changes in your life, go on a road trip, take a class, get a certification. Get out and DO!
3. Gather your real friends and have them commiserate with you.
4. Make a playlist of great songs to break up by, "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair." "Too many fish in the sea" "Hey Jealousy" "We are never, ever, getting back together." "You oughta know" "Somebody that I used to know" There are millions of them out there, because we've all been there.
Just to reinforce, this guy is an asshole. You have wasted your love, time and kisses on this jerk. But no more. You're over it. Get angry and get on with your life!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:27 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Oh honey, it's entirely understandable why this is killing you.
He's not just in another relationship, he's rubbing your face in it. He knows how you feel about him, but he stills saying things like "He said he sees a better match with her than with me"?
He said the reason me and him never got together was because of timing, our age difference, and the fact that we are at different stages in life.
This is probably true, but not like he probably means it. You were what, 21 when you first met him, and he was 29? I think a big part of the growing that people do in their early 20s is learning how to avoid people that are not good for them--especially the person who says they care about you, but is really just interested in keeping you on the back burner and stringing you along.
His relationship with this woman might look great from a distance, she might be meeting his family and going on vacations with him, but you know what a selfish toolbag he can be, you know that the minute they had an issue he ran someone else. You deserve better than a relationship like that.
Delete his number, ignore his emails, don't hang out with him, sleep with him, or give him a shoulder to cry on when his current relationship goes south. Take care of yourself, hang out with friends, try new things. And if you meet someone you are interested in being in a relationship with, and they tell you they don't want to be in a relationship right now, move on. Don't continue to hang out with them or sleep with them, you deserve better than that. I've done this too, for years in fact, so I know how hard it can be (in my situation the person who had spent years telling me they didn't want to be in a relationship wasn't just a little jealous when I started dating someone, he was furious at me).
posted by inertia at 7:28 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
He's not just in another relationship, he's rubbing your face in it. He knows how you feel about him, but he stills saying things like "He said he sees a better match with her than with me"?
He said the reason me and him never got together was because of timing, our age difference, and the fact that we are at different stages in life.
This is probably true, but not like he probably means it. You were what, 21 when you first met him, and he was 29? I think a big part of the growing that people do in their early 20s is learning how to avoid people that are not good for them--especially the person who says they care about you, but is really just interested in keeping you on the back burner and stringing you along.
His relationship with this woman might look great from a distance, she might be meeting his family and going on vacations with him, but you know what a selfish toolbag he can be, you know that the minute they had an issue he ran someone else. You deserve better than a relationship like that.
Delete his number, ignore his emails, don't hang out with him, sleep with him, or give him a shoulder to cry on when his current relationship goes south. Take care of yourself, hang out with friends, try new things. And if you meet someone you are interested in being in a relationship with, and they tell you they don't want to be in a relationship right now, move on. Don't continue to hang out with them or sleep with them, you deserve better than that. I've done this too, for years in fact, so I know how hard it can be (in my situation the person who had spent years telling me they didn't want to be in a relationship wasn't just a little jealous when I started dating someone, he was furious at me).
posted by inertia at 7:28 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, man, I have been in this kind of a situation and it sucks ass. Nthing everything that has already been said.
What you gotta do...
1) Detach
2) Move on
You need and deserve a guy that is convinced that you're the bees knees. Best to you.
posted by strelitzia at 8:25 AM on November 15, 2013
What you gotta do...
1) Detach
2) Move on
You need and deserve a guy that is convinced that you're the bees knees. Best to you.
posted by strelitzia at 8:25 AM on November 15, 2013
I know you're floored and miserable. And you get some good advice, but I think it's helpful to know why you feel this way.
I went through something like this many years ago, someone I adored and we connected so well, but this person just didn't feel the same. I couldn't understand why this person wouldn't pick me (we spent many evening a week together, finished each other's sentences, and yet seemed to fall for people completely opposite of me).
So instead, I tried to figure out how LOVE works. I read Stendhal and Goethe and cried a lot.
And then I read this.
This book describes how love, the way we feel, is based on how our brains work. It's not self-helpy at all -- but it's easy to identify the patterns you fall into simply because of your experience. The paths you follow are the paths you create.
And it helped my broken heart heal because I could find ways to understand why I felt the way I did.
posted by mochapickle at 10:28 AM on November 15, 2013
I went through something like this many years ago, someone I adored and we connected so well, but this person just didn't feel the same. I couldn't understand why this person wouldn't pick me (we spent many evening a week together, finished each other's sentences, and yet seemed to fall for people completely opposite of me).
So instead, I tried to figure out how LOVE works. I read Stendhal and Goethe and cried a lot.
And then I read this.
This book describes how love, the way we feel, is based on how our brains work. It's not self-helpy at all -- but it's easy to identify the patterns you fall into simply because of your experience. The paths you follow are the paths you create.
And it helped my broken heart heal because I could find ways to understand why I felt the way I did.
posted by mochapickle at 10:28 AM on November 15, 2013
I would not rely on deciding he's a horrible person to settle yourself down, because quite frankly, there's a version of this story where he likes you and he's attracted to you, but it's not quite right, and now that he's serious about somebody else, he wants to end the casual thing he's had on and off with you. This story does not scream "creep" to me, it screams "just leave, because it doesn't matter whether he is or isn't a creep."
Telling you the truth about the current state of his relationship is not necessarily something he's doing to cause you pain; he may be doing it because he believes it's the best way to communicate to you that he's moving on. He may be doing it because it's true, and because he knows you're going to find out anyway, and he's trying to rip off the Band-Aid at last.
I think there's a thing that happens where people don't get together but really kind of do want to stay friends, and the thing that the person who wanted it to work uses as a way to kind of make it more comfortable for herself (I say "her" because of a reference to myself, not to you) is, "It was something besides him just not liking me enough." That's very, very, very human, and there usually is more to it than just not liking you enough. And knowing that it wasn't just that helps you forgive him for not being in love with you. It makes you only half-process being rejected.
But when they meet somebody else and all of a sudden are better at relationships than they were when they were telling you they were bad at relationships (because they may have truly felt like they were), that's when it gets driven home: it wasn't just that he didn't like you enough, but it was partly that he didn't like you enough. And now: the other half.
You don't have to decide he's a rat. You can just go away, for yourself, because this is going to drag you down. Get space, get distance, don't talk to him. Shut it down. It will only get harder. You already weren't dating this guy; you still aren't. You're no worse off, but you feel worse, and that makes sense. It doesn't matter whether he's doing it on purpose; it's hurting you. That's why you go.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:50 PM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]
Telling you the truth about the current state of his relationship is not necessarily something he's doing to cause you pain; he may be doing it because he believes it's the best way to communicate to you that he's moving on. He may be doing it because it's true, and because he knows you're going to find out anyway, and he's trying to rip off the Band-Aid at last.
I think there's a thing that happens where people don't get together but really kind of do want to stay friends, and the thing that the person who wanted it to work uses as a way to kind of make it more comfortable for herself (I say "her" because of a reference to myself, not to you) is, "It was something besides him just not liking me enough." That's very, very, very human, and there usually is more to it than just not liking you enough. And knowing that it wasn't just that helps you forgive him for not being in love with you. It makes you only half-process being rejected.
But when they meet somebody else and all of a sudden are better at relationships than they were when they were telling you they were bad at relationships (because they may have truly felt like they were), that's when it gets driven home: it wasn't just that he didn't like you enough, but it was partly that he didn't like you enough. And now: the other half.
You don't have to decide he's a rat. You can just go away, for yourself, because this is going to drag you down. Get space, get distance, don't talk to him. Shut it down. It will only get harder. You already weren't dating this guy; you still aren't. You're no worse off, but you feel worse, and that makes sense. It doesn't matter whether he's doing it on purpose; it's hurting you. That's why you go.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 1:50 PM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]
quite frankly, there's a version of this story where he likes you and he's attracted to you, but it's not quite right, and now that he's serious about somebody else, he wants to end the casual thing he's had on and off with you.
Yeah, no.
He knew how she felt about him and that he did not return those feelings. When something was a bit rough with his real girlfriend, he came back to the poster for sex, and then left again to go be with his real girlfriend, completely predictably dragging the poster's heart through the dirt in the process.
He is AT BEST a self-involved narcisstic selfish selfmonster with no interest at all in her feelings.
At worst he enjoys hurting people.
This really needs to be called out as shitty behaviour.
posted by parrot_person at 5:11 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yeah, no.
He knew how she felt about him and that he did not return those feelings. When something was a bit rough with his real girlfriend, he came back to the poster for sex, and then left again to go be with his real girlfriend, completely predictably dragging the poster's heart through the dirt in the process.
He is AT BEST a self-involved narcisstic selfish selfmonster with no interest at all in her feelings.
At worst he enjoys hurting people.
This really needs to be called out as shitty behaviour.
posted by parrot_person at 5:11 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Never settle for anything less than what you think you deserve. Some of us settle for crumbs because subconsciously we think we deserve crumbs, and some of us demand cake and get it because we ask for it and know we deserve it.
Unfortunately it sounds like you've allowed yourself to be his 'good time girl' and his doormat. He knows you pine for him, and he may like you, but the lack of spark probably has a lot to do with your being at his beck and call. At this point the best option for you is probably to sever ties and move on, because it's a bit late for finding yourself, elevating your self-esteem, forcing him to treat you properly by not compromising your standards and what you deserve, and starting over with him. You've been his buddy and his booty call for way too long for him to take you seriously as a partner at this point.
Men are electrically attracted to women who love themselves and who have their own interests and hobbies that keep them from being there whenever they call. In other words, you may have seemed 'too easy' for him so he kept you around for comfort and play time, and (ugh) for nursing his broken heart while he was taking his little break with his main dish.
In the future, if you really like someone, make sure you don't allow them to treat you like this guy did. Force them to treat you properly, by refusing to be their shoulder to cry on about their 'better options,' (that was tremendously insulting of him to say to you, he knows how you feel about him) and by refusing to be their booty call. If they won't comply with your high standards, they aren't taking you seriously, and it should be 'onto the next!' for you. Never settle for anything less than what you deserve!
posted by OneHermit at 5:30 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately it sounds like you've allowed yourself to be his 'good time girl' and his doormat. He knows you pine for him, and he may like you, but the lack of spark probably has a lot to do with your being at his beck and call. At this point the best option for you is probably to sever ties and move on, because it's a bit late for finding yourself, elevating your self-esteem, forcing him to treat you properly by not compromising your standards and what you deserve, and starting over with him. You've been his buddy and his booty call for way too long for him to take you seriously as a partner at this point.
Men are electrically attracted to women who love themselves and who have their own interests and hobbies that keep them from being there whenever they call. In other words, you may have seemed 'too easy' for him so he kept you around for comfort and play time, and (ugh) for nursing his broken heart while he was taking his little break with his main dish.
In the future, if you really like someone, make sure you don't allow them to treat you like this guy did. Force them to treat you properly, by refusing to be their shoulder to cry on about their 'better options,' (that was tremendously insulting of him to say to you, he knows how you feel about him) and by refusing to be their booty call. If they won't comply with your high standards, they aren't taking you seriously, and it should be 'onto the next!' for you. Never settle for anything less than what you deserve!
posted by OneHermit at 5:30 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
He is AT BEST a self-involved narcisstic selfish selfmonster with no interest at all in her feelings.
This is not in the question as she asked it. It might be true and it might not be true, but the evidence that he is a monster is not in the question as she asked it.
Again, my advice is to stop focusing on deciding how bad of a person he is and think about your own self. He doesn't have to be a monster to justify you leaving. Get distance because you're miserable. He is not your responsibility, calling him out is not your responsibility, evaluating his behavior is not your responsibility, and most importantly, figuring out what he is/was thinking is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be happy. Go be happy.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 6:17 AM on November 16, 2013
This is not in the question as she asked it. It might be true and it might not be true, but the evidence that he is a monster is not in the question as she asked it.
Again, my advice is to stop focusing on deciding how bad of a person he is and think about your own self. He doesn't have to be a monster to justify you leaving. Get distance because you're miserable. He is not your responsibility, calling him out is not your responsibility, evaluating his behavior is not your responsibility, and most importantly, figuring out what he is/was thinking is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be happy. Go be happy.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 6:17 AM on November 16, 2013
Again, my advice is to stop focusing on deciding how bad of a person he is
Then why are you devoting time to disagreeing with me about the fact that he is a jerk? Take your own advice.
The evidence that he is a jerk ("selfmonster" is supposed to be funny, plucking "monster" out of that is NOT accurately representing my argument) is indeed in the question as she asked it.
I agree that she should focus on moving on, and that it is not necessary to identify someone as being a jerk in order to decide that you're not happy in the relationship.
However, when someone is a clear jerk, they should be identified as such, in no uncertain terms. I'm not saying she should TELL him he's a jerk. He likely wouldn't care anyway.
posted by parrot_person at 4:28 PM on November 16, 2013
Then why are you devoting time to disagreeing with me about the fact that he is a jerk? Take your own advice.
The evidence that he is a jerk ("selfmonster" is supposed to be funny, plucking "monster" out of that is NOT accurately representing my argument) is indeed in the question as she asked it.
I agree that she should focus on moving on, and that it is not necessary to identify someone as being a jerk in order to decide that you're not happy in the relationship.
However, when someone is a clear jerk, they should be identified as such, in no uncertain terms. I'm not saying she should TELL him he's a jerk. He likely wouldn't care anyway.
posted by parrot_person at 4:28 PM on November 16, 2013
Response by poster: Dear Metafilter community,
Thank you all so much for coming together to help me, and taking the time to share your insightful answers. I value your wisdom, and do feel much better!
However, there are still a few things that are bothering me. For instance, what hurts me even more is the fact that she’s very beautiful. I know looks aren’t everything, but it’s still making me feel very insecure. I’m average-looking. She also has a career, apartment, and a regular salary, while I’m still working on my Master’s thesis, working a part-time job at the Y, and living with my parents. It makes me feel like I never stood a chance with him. How am I supposed to be okay, knowing that only did he pick someone else, he picked someone who’s better than me? The weekends are the worst, when I know they’re happy going on dates together, and I’m sitting in my room alone, working on my thesis. With the holidays coming up, I dread how much worse I’m going to feel. I don’t know how to make myself feel better in that respect. HELP!
posted by summertimesadness1988 at 5:47 PM on November 16, 2013
Thank you all so much for coming together to help me, and taking the time to share your insightful answers. I value your wisdom, and do feel much better!
However, there are still a few things that are bothering me. For instance, what hurts me even more is the fact that she’s very beautiful. I know looks aren’t everything, but it’s still making me feel very insecure. I’m average-looking. She also has a career, apartment, and a regular salary, while I’m still working on my Master’s thesis, working a part-time job at the Y, and living with my parents. It makes me feel like I never stood a chance with him. How am I supposed to be okay, knowing that only did he pick someone else, he picked someone who’s better than me? The weekends are the worst, when I know they’re happy going on dates together, and I’m sitting in my room alone, working on my thesis. With the holidays coming up, I dread how much worse I’m going to feel. I don’t know how to make myself feel better in that respect. HELP!
posted by summertimesadness1988 at 5:47 PM on November 16, 2013
You can't list a person's external qualities and measure them against yours. That's not how attraction works. I understand you are hurting and wondering where you did not measure up, but do not continue down this path, as it will only damage your self-esteem. Stop thinking about what they are doing. What are you doing with your life?
You will hurt, but I promise you that it will get better. Spend time with friends. Read a good book. Discover a new thing, whether it be a hobby or a piece of artwork or a dish. Go for long walks and look at the sky. Revel in the beauty and the fragility of life.
And what mochapickle says.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:16 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
You will hurt, but I promise you that it will get better. Spend time with friends. Read a good book. Discover a new thing, whether it be a hobby or a piece of artwork or a dish. Go for long walks and look at the sky. Revel in the beauty and the fragility of life.
And what mochapickle says.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:16 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Pity this beautiful woman with the job and the apartment. Sounds like she works hard and what does she get for her pains? A guy who has sex with another woman the second they have a disagreement, and who is an unkind person who shits on his friends.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:21 AM on November 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:21 AM on November 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
The problem with breakups vs say, one person dying in an accident, is that you can always get weak and get in touch with each other. The end of your relationship is a done deal, whether you like it or not. Its always going to be easier for the one who is doing the breaking up to be this saint and "be there" for you when you reach out. It is up to you to preserve your sanity and dignity by ensuring this is a clean, swift, final breakup with this human being. Its like breaking any other addiction. You've got to decide to do it, get professional help if you need it, emotional support from family/friends/well wishers and then STICK to it.
At some point, you've also got to look at the wrongs that he did to you instead of focusing on his "awesome" side that you might be in love with. I looked up the song too. Its okay to be hurt and when you are hurt, its okay to cry. As long as you want. But at the end of the day, its upto you whether you will build your life with the hurt as the foundation or if you'll use it to turn your life around. At some point, you've got to see the wrong that was done to you and tune into things like this and this instead of feeding your own pain. Be very aware of what you feed yourself, with songs, articles, images, everything.
And finally, if you think about it with a grain of objectivity, you'll feel sorry for the woman. You know already what it will take her time to figure/find out, if she is that lucky at all.
posted by xm at 11:59 AM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
At some point, you've also got to look at the wrongs that he did to you instead of focusing on his "awesome" side that you might be in love with. I looked up the song too. Its okay to be hurt and when you are hurt, its okay to cry. As long as you want. But at the end of the day, its upto you whether you will build your life with the hurt as the foundation or if you'll use it to turn your life around. At some point, you've got to see the wrong that was done to you and tune into things like this and this instead of feeding your own pain. Be very aware of what you feed yourself, with songs, articles, images, everything.
And finally, if you think about it with a grain of objectivity, you'll feel sorry for the woman. You know already what it will take her time to figure/find out, if she is that lucky at all.
posted by xm at 11:59 AM on November 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: There's a saying, "for every beautiful woman, there's a man who is sick of her shit."
Not to say you aren't beautiful, all people are beautiful. But look at the love lives of people who appear to "have it all." Halle Barry got cheated on! Halle Barry! Jennifer Anniston too. Brittany Spears, her love life is nothing to envy. You get the picture.
So his girlfriend is further along in life than you are? So what? She has shit taste in men! She gets this prize of a guy, a guy who strings his friends along, who is scratching at your door for sex when they argue, etc. You never know, she may tire of HIS bullshit and dump his ass. Wouldn't that be sweet?
It hurts and you're just rubbing salt into your own wounds. You are imagining a perfect relationship between the two of them, where if it isn't a Rom Com montage of fun dates, it's your favorite afternoon with him, with her CGI'd into the picture instead of you. No wonder you're miserable.
Perhaps you should try imagining them arguing about what a slob he is, or think of her laying in bed unfulfilled because the selfish beast didn't get her off, there are tons of everyday, boring relationship scenarios that happen and aren't all warm and fuzzy. Because that's how relationships are.
You aren't really hung up on this guy, you're hung up on the idea of him. Let that sink in. If you looked at him, based upon his actions, you'll see what we see. A selfish git, who used you in the worst possible way. An egotist who liked the idea that you had a crush on him, and that you would entertain him at a moment's notice. But to you he's a fantasy. He's handsome, great in bed, loving, caring and may in the future adopt a Labradoodle. Note, this is your fantasy. That's what happens, when we have these casual hookups, we make the dude conform to our romantic ideas of him.
Trust and believe that if you were in a relationship with him, you'd be tired of him leaving the toilet seat up, eating all the yogurt in the fridge and not letting you know and that he can't SEE that the garbage is piling up and that he should take it out already.
So for the holidays, schedule the FUCK out of your time. Go to parties, have a cookie exchange with your friends. Go to the mountains for a day of sledding and snowman building. Go caroling. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Take your neices and nephews ice skating. Make memories for yourself, instead of dwelling on whatever it is you think they're doing (arguing about where to spend the holidays, awkwardly wondering if they should introduce each other to their families, bumming out because neither of them can cook, being irritated by each other's asshole friends.)
When you look back on your life, you'll remember what you DID, not how you felt. So go DO stuff!
I promise you, you will survive this and be a better person for it. In the future, you'll make better choices. I promise, promise, promise.
If you live in Atlanta, I have a party you can come to on Dec. 7.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:16 AM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Not to say you aren't beautiful, all people are beautiful. But look at the love lives of people who appear to "have it all." Halle Barry got cheated on! Halle Barry! Jennifer Anniston too. Brittany Spears, her love life is nothing to envy. You get the picture.
So his girlfriend is further along in life than you are? So what? She has shit taste in men! She gets this prize of a guy, a guy who strings his friends along, who is scratching at your door for sex when they argue, etc. You never know, she may tire of HIS bullshit and dump his ass. Wouldn't that be sweet?
It hurts and you're just rubbing salt into your own wounds. You are imagining a perfect relationship between the two of them, where if it isn't a Rom Com montage of fun dates, it's your favorite afternoon with him, with her CGI'd into the picture instead of you. No wonder you're miserable.
Perhaps you should try imagining them arguing about what a slob he is, or think of her laying in bed unfulfilled because the selfish beast didn't get her off, there are tons of everyday, boring relationship scenarios that happen and aren't all warm and fuzzy. Because that's how relationships are.
You aren't really hung up on this guy, you're hung up on the idea of him. Let that sink in. If you looked at him, based upon his actions, you'll see what we see. A selfish git, who used you in the worst possible way. An egotist who liked the idea that you had a crush on him, and that you would entertain him at a moment's notice. But to you he's a fantasy. He's handsome, great in bed, loving, caring and may in the future adopt a Labradoodle. Note, this is your fantasy. That's what happens, when we have these casual hookups, we make the dude conform to our romantic ideas of him.
Trust and believe that if you were in a relationship with him, you'd be tired of him leaving the toilet seat up, eating all the yogurt in the fridge and not letting you know and that he can't SEE that the garbage is piling up and that he should take it out already.
So for the holidays, schedule the FUCK out of your time. Go to parties, have a cookie exchange with your friends. Go to the mountains for a day of sledding and snowman building. Go caroling. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Take your neices and nephews ice skating. Make memories for yourself, instead of dwelling on whatever it is you think they're doing (arguing about where to spend the holidays, awkwardly wondering if they should introduce each other to their families, bumming out because neither of them can cook, being irritated by each other's asshole friends.)
When you look back on your life, you'll remember what you DID, not how you felt. So go DO stuff!
I promise you, you will survive this and be a better person for it. In the future, you'll make better choices. I promise, promise, promise.
If you live in Atlanta, I have a party you can come to on Dec. 7.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:16 AM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
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1. Act like you just broke up, because in a way you have. Leave him alone for awhile, perhaps a year. Do not go running if/when they break up. Do not encounter/stalk him online. Do not call, text, visit, and especially do not have sex with him.
2. Make new friends, have new experiences, meet new guys. Your life is a train and it has to leave this station quickly and keep moving.
3. Listen to something more upbeat.
posted by bleep at 6:03 PM on November 14, 2013 [17 favorites]