Catgotmytongueasana
November 12, 2013 9:11 PM Subscribe
I'm a single guy. I go to a yoga class. There are lots of attractive women in my yoga class. I'd like to talk to some of them, but I suck at talking to strangers. I need prescripted lines. Not pickup lines, just making-a-basic-connection lines. Ideas please.
At the beginning of each class my yoga teacher actually does this thing where she goes, "We'll be starting in a minute, so say hello to your neighbor." Perfect, right? Except what happens then is that I say "Hi, I'm zeri," the beautiful woman on my right says "Hi zeri, I'm Beautiful Woman On Your Right", at which point I can think of nothing further to say so smile sheepishly and turn away to repeat the exchange with the equally beautiful woman on my left.
How do I keep these conversations going for another line or two? I don't want lines that sound obviously forced ("So, come here often?"), just things that normal people who get this "small talk" business might actually say to each other.
At the beginning of each class my yoga teacher actually does this thing where she goes, "We'll be starting in a minute, so say hello to your neighbor." Perfect, right? Except what happens then is that I say "Hi, I'm zeri," the beautiful woman on my right says "Hi zeri, I'm Beautiful Woman On Your Right", at which point I can think of nothing further to say so smile sheepishly and turn away to repeat the exchange with the equally beautiful woman on my left.
How do I keep these conversations going for another line or two? I don't want lines that sound obviously forced ("So, come here often?"), just things that normal people who get this "small talk" business might actually say to each other.
So first of all, attractive women in your yoga class are not necessarily looking to be talked to. Keep that in mind.
That said, people like to be asked their opinions, so that's always a good, neutral first step. You might ask them if they know of any good places to eat around there.
posted by gryftir at 9:19 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
That said, people like to be asked their opinions, so that's always a good, neutral first step. You might ask them if they know of any good places to eat around there.
posted by gryftir at 9:19 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
For a while I was in a yoga class at a weird time. It was not well-attended, and I got to know most of the regulars in the class. After a year or so, the school ended up getting rid of the class, and we all exchanged numbers in some kind of half-baked plan to pool our money to hire our instructor to do a private session at our old time.
That sort of situation is really the only situation I could see this sort of thing being feasible.
I mean, I don't think your yoga class needs to get cancelled, but it needs to be the type of class where there are regulars and you all sort of get comfortable with each other. If it's 50 people in a huge room, different people every time, you don't really stand a chance.
If a strange dude I'd had no previous interactions with tried to chat me up in yoga, that would be pretty much the definition of nope.
At minimum, I would only even consider trying to get closer to someone if you and she have both been at the class at least 4-5 times AND noticed each other on at least one prior occasion.
As for topics of conversation, if all the above applies? Look for something distinctive. Maybe she's reading a particular book before class, or she's wearing a cool t-shirt that implies something about your shared interests, or fuck, I don't know, maybe you notice she has cool shoes that she leaves outside the room or something. Something to draw you together and that allows you to compliment her in a non-creepy and non-physical way.
posted by Sara C. at 9:29 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
That sort of situation is really the only situation I could see this sort of thing being feasible.
I mean, I don't think your yoga class needs to get cancelled, but it needs to be the type of class where there are regulars and you all sort of get comfortable with each other. If it's 50 people in a huge room, different people every time, you don't really stand a chance.
If a strange dude I'd had no previous interactions with tried to chat me up in yoga, that would be pretty much the definition of nope.
At minimum, I would only even consider trying to get closer to someone if you and she have both been at the class at least 4-5 times AND noticed each other on at least one prior occasion.
As for topics of conversation, if all the above applies? Look for something distinctive. Maybe she's reading a particular book before class, or she's wearing a cool t-shirt that implies something about your shared interests, or fuck, I don't know, maybe you notice she has cool shoes that she leaves outside the room or something. Something to draw you together and that allows you to compliment her in a non-creepy and non-physical way.
posted by Sara C. at 9:29 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You're at a yoga studio so... talk about yoga.
"How long you been doing yoga?"
"I hope she does downward dog upward dragon duck flying east pose. It's my favorite."
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:30 PM on November 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
"How long you been doing yoga?"
"I hope she does downward dog upward dragon duck flying east pose. It's my favorite."
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:30 PM on November 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
Smile and say "How's your day going?" / or something off-hand and short Yoga related about your upcoming workout (I don't do Yoga so I'm clueless)
1-4 word response: let it go
Multiple sentences and asking you about yourself: continue talking or give an enthusiastic "Great!" and make a note to talk after the class.
It helps immensely if you are actually interested in how their day is going or the upcoming workout. People can tell.
Also, the key to talking to people is the sounding out phase. "I love 'book they're reading'. How're you enjoying it?" or even the minor compliment on their wardrobe "Those shoes look great." It doesn't have to lead anywhere, but the other person can certainly be let it known if they want it to or you're on their radar. The key is to not push things.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:31 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
1-4 word response: let it go
Multiple sentences and asking you about yourself: continue talking or give an enthusiastic "Great!" and make a note to talk after the class.
It helps immensely if you are actually interested in how their day is going or the upcoming workout. People can tell.
Also, the key to talking to people is the sounding out phase. "I love 'book they're reading'. How're you enjoying it?" or even the minor compliment on their wardrobe "Those shoes look great." It doesn't have to lead anywhere, but the other person can certainly be let it known if they want it to or you're on their radar. The key is to not push things.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:31 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree with the suggestion that you talk about yoga.
On the other hand, these introductions are not really meant to devolve into "small talk," and you should be aware and accepting of that fact. Meaning, don't be offended if the person to your right or left doesn't seem interested in conversing further than exchanging names.
posted by sm1tten at 9:35 PM on November 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, these introductions are not really meant to devolve into "small talk," and you should be aware and accepting of that fact. Meaning, don't be offended if the person to your right or left doesn't seem interested in conversing further than exchanging names.
posted by sm1tten at 9:35 PM on November 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
In college, while single, I took a class (speech anatomy) with 2 other guys and around 30 women. I enjoyed the class, focused on the class, and never hit on anyone, but I probably did show general happiness and enthusiasm because, you know, I liked the class. I think I did arrive a couple of minutes early and maybe dawdled a little occasionally when leaving. And when anyone said something to me that went beyond "Hey," I'm sure I tried to find a way to say appreciative and receptive things like "Oh yeah, that's really neat!" and follow up with a relevant, innocuous question that asks for more than a yes/no. Eventually, someone just straight up gave me her phone number, and I went with someone else for sort of a coffee date. Nothing more happened, which is probably what you should anticipate, but that's really all it took to get to know some folks.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:36 PM on November 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:36 PM on November 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I agree with those who would hope you wouldn't be That Guy. It's not a singles bar. Assuming you're actually there to work out, so are they.
As a yoga person, I might suggest that the best time to chitchat is really after class, outside the studio, when people are getting more clothed and doing things that take a moment, like tying shoelaces. Just be a nice normal person and try to make an authentic connection. Talk to everybody, not just the ones you think are the hotties. There are usually flyers for events at my yoga place, you could comment on the different classes and ask "ever tried this Intermediate Vinyasa?" or whatever. "Oh look, it's snowing." Whatever.
In general, though, it's not the greatest place to go fishing. Every yoga class seems to have a guy with poor boundaries in it (or more than one) predating on the women. It's kind of gross as you can't help but have your body on view and it feels like people are taking advantage of that sometimes. At best wait 'til you're outside.
posted by Miko at 9:45 PM on November 12, 2013 [17 favorites]
As a yoga person, I might suggest that the best time to chitchat is really after class, outside the studio, when people are getting more clothed and doing things that take a moment, like tying shoelaces. Just be a nice normal person and try to make an authentic connection. Talk to everybody, not just the ones you think are the hotties. There are usually flyers for events at my yoga place, you could comment on the different classes and ask "ever tried this Intermediate Vinyasa?" or whatever. "Oh look, it's snowing." Whatever.
In general, though, it's not the greatest place to go fishing. Every yoga class seems to have a guy with poor boundaries in it (or more than one) predating on the women. It's kind of gross as you can't help but have your body on view and it feels like people are taking advantage of that sometimes. At best wait 'til you're outside.
posted by Miko at 9:45 PM on November 12, 2013 [17 favorites]
I once had a classmate with strong opinions on exactly this situation. According to him, the key step is snapping a spot at the very front of the classroom. That way, you will signal that you're not there to look at women's bodies (you'd get the best view from the back of the classroom), and that you take your practice seriously (paying close attention to the instructor). This -- he thought -- would be most appealing to yoga-going women.
posted by yonglin at 10:44 PM on November 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by yonglin at 10:44 PM on November 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
Mod note: Some comments removed. Absolutely fine to raise concerns with OP's approach; but comments really need to answer the question as it is posed, and frankly "don't be a creep" is well-covered ground after the first couple of answers. Don't comment only to berate OP or to start a debate, please answer the question instead of engaging other commenters. Thanks!
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 10:53 PM on November 12, 2013
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 10:53 PM on November 12, 2013
Best answer: How long have you been doing yoga for?
Were you here last week?
[If you do another type of yoga class] Have you tried the x yoga class?
Show an interest in them as people, not as mythical magical beautiful women.
posted by heyjude at 11:00 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Were you here last week?
[If you do another type of yoga class] Have you tried the x yoga class?
Show an interest in them as people, not as mythical magical beautiful women.
posted by heyjude at 11:00 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't know yoga protocol, but maybe you could use a ridiculous funny name and say it with a smile. Some (most?) women like humor in a man, and maybe, just maybe, one of these women will ask you about your funny name after class. And then do it again next time. Soon some of these women might even be thinking about being next to you so they can hear the next funny name. Maybe then things can just naturally develop and grow from there. They will come to know you as charming funny guy, not creepy yucky guy.
posted by Dansaman at 11:06 PM on November 12, 2013
posted by Dansaman at 11:06 PM on November 12, 2013
Talk to the people in your class as people, not as beautiful women. Anything contrived is going to be painfully obvious and creepy. The key to successful small talk is that it isn't about you. If you're not interested in people as they are and are just looking to serve your self interests (getting dates) then you're going to fail. Are you going to yoga for your health and fitness or are you going there with the hope of getting a date? If it's the latter, then I suggest you stop going to yoga and look elsewhere.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 11:30 PM on November 12, 2013
posted by MaryDellamorte at 11:30 PM on November 12, 2013
Soon some of these women might even be thinking about being next to you so they can hear the next funny name. Maybe then things can just naturally develop and grow from there. They will come to know you as charming funny guy, not creepy yucky guy.
Yeah, no. If you wouldn't use the same funny name with a dude who happens to be next to you, then you're definitely going to come across as Creepy Yucky Guy.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 11:34 PM on November 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
Yeah, no. If you wouldn't use the same funny name with a dude who happens to be next to you, then you're definitely going to come across as Creepy Yucky Guy.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 11:34 PM on November 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
Let the other person speak first, then introduce yourself, and ask a question about their name.
posted by mannequito at 1:21 AM on November 13, 2013
posted by mannequito at 1:21 AM on November 13, 2013
If you regularly attend this class, you don't need to connect with someone all in one go, the subsequent lines of the conversation don't need to happen straight away. I think conversation being 'forced' is less about content, and more about timing.
You've mentioned introducing yourself during the designated neighbour introduction period of the class. If in following weeks, as you arrive at the class, you say 'hello [remembered name]' to someone you'll get a good sense of whether they enjoy you paying them this attention, and whether you should continue or just leave them alone.
Once you've established the pattern of you and this person greeting each other, it might be much easier to slip into a conversation before or after class without if seeming forced, certainly if you're not putting the pressure on yourself to make it happen any particular week, you can wait until a natural opportunity comes up.
My personal opinion is that rather than worrying about what to say, instead be very attuned to whether they want to talk to you or not. Most people are slightly awkward dealing with strangers, and if they feel like talking to you, I think you can talk about anything at all, they will find some way to navigate whatever strange disjointed awkwardness comes out of your mouth.
My friend J is an extraordinarily charming witty human being who puts people at ease, he can engage anybody in conversation for hours. I will never have his conversation skill, but seem to be able to talk to people anyway, for while 10% of what he does is magic, but 90% just seems to be about paying attention to the other persons interests, and not pretending to be cooler than you really are.
good luck,
have fun
I hope you meet someone nice.
posted by compound eye at 1:55 AM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
You've mentioned introducing yourself during the designated neighbour introduction period of the class. If in following weeks, as you arrive at the class, you say 'hello [remembered name]' to someone you'll get a good sense of whether they enjoy you paying them this attention, and whether you should continue or just leave them alone.
Once you've established the pattern of you and this person greeting each other, it might be much easier to slip into a conversation before or after class without if seeming forced, certainly if you're not putting the pressure on yourself to make it happen any particular week, you can wait until a natural opportunity comes up.
My personal opinion is that rather than worrying about what to say, instead be very attuned to whether they want to talk to you or not. Most people are slightly awkward dealing with strangers, and if they feel like talking to you, I think you can talk about anything at all, they will find some way to navigate whatever strange disjointed awkwardness comes out of your mouth.
My friend J is an extraordinarily charming witty human being who puts people at ease, he can engage anybody in conversation for hours. I will never have his conversation skill, but seem to be able to talk to people anyway, for while 10% of what he does is magic, but 90% just seems to be about paying attention to the other persons interests, and not pretending to be cooler than you really are.
good luck,
have fun
I hope you meet someone nice.
posted by compound eye at 1:55 AM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
You're actually encouraged to talk to your yogamates before the session begins? What sort of things do other people chat about during this time, whether it's with you, or things you overhear (probably work, school, local-ness, yoga experience?) Even if it's the same mundane things that everyone else brings up, at least it gives you a chance to get to know others. Be self-deprecating.
And even if you're barely introduced, but develop a connection, you'd at least have an excuse to be next to them in future classes, if they seem receptive (eye contact/genuine smile) and would like familiar company.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:01 AM on November 13, 2013
And even if you're barely introduced, but develop a connection, you'd at least have an excuse to be next to them in future classes, if they seem receptive (eye contact/genuine smile) and would like familiar company.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:01 AM on November 13, 2013
Women go to yoga class to do yoga, not to meet men. The whole idea that a man in my yoga class is thinking "oh beautiful woman how do I hit on her" makes me incredibly uncomfortable and your advances would not be welcome. Some people might not mind as much as I do but my experience with women and exercise classes is that it is one of the TOP places that they do not want to have to worry about being hit on by men.
For these reasons, you may not be able to keep the conversation going for more than a line or two. Since your instructor makes you talk before class women will obviously respond to you because they are polite, but if they're not keeping the conversation going it's a really, really good sign that you should not push the issue.
If you want to keep a conversation going, asking "How are you?" or "do you travel far to get here" or some mundane question does get the ball rolling, but this isn't a place that will yield the best results.
posted by Polychrome at 2:36 AM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
For these reasons, you may not be able to keep the conversation going for more than a line or two. Since your instructor makes you talk before class women will obviously respond to you because they are polite, but if they're not keeping the conversation going it's a really, really good sign that you should not push the issue.
If you want to keep a conversation going, asking "How are you?" or "do you travel far to get here" or some mundane question does get the ball rolling, but this isn't a place that will yield the best results.
posted by Polychrome at 2:36 AM on November 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
So, hey, I think what people are saying here is that your instincts ("I can't quite get comfortable chatting up hot women in yoga") are actually right on target. Yay, good instincts!
I'm a regular at a yoga studio, and I love that the classes have guys in them. I'm honestly so far from the "hit on people in yoga" demographic that most of my pre-yoga chat to others in the room is along the lines of "bah! Missed class yesterday because I couldn't find a sitter and my husband worked late; how've you been?" So. Yeah. That's what I talk about before class, though never after the instructor is at the front of the room. It goes like this: get to class ten minutes early, set up my mat and get props (chat with the other folks near the props, "huh. SIX blocks today? Wonder if we'll be doing that weird inversion leg lowering thing that KILLED my abs last month."), turn to the person next to me on either side ("man, it must be 80 degrees in here! I'm sweating already. Can you believe we were supposed to have snow today?" "I think I tweaked my shoulder last night when we did 37 chaturangas in a row. Hope she takes it easy on us today."). And then similar chats outside while putting my shoes back on ("wow! That was great! I am REALLY going to feel it in the morning, though.") I've been at the same studio for years, and part of what I love about it is the sense of community and how people are comfortable talking to each other before and after class. But I have never once seen a guy "chatting up" a girl there, and I honestly couldn't tell you if any of the men who regularly go there are single (though some are definitely partnered, based on their chitchat). I think I'd be uncomfortable if I picked up on any flirting vibes in the class, even if they weren't directed at me, but that may be more because it would feel out of step with the philosophy of the studio than anything else, I'm not sure.
posted by instamatic at 3:20 AM on November 13, 2013
I'm a regular at a yoga studio, and I love that the classes have guys in them. I'm honestly so far from the "hit on people in yoga" demographic that most of my pre-yoga chat to others in the room is along the lines of "bah! Missed class yesterday because I couldn't find a sitter and my husband worked late; how've you been?" So. Yeah. That's what I talk about before class, though never after the instructor is at the front of the room. It goes like this: get to class ten minutes early, set up my mat and get props (chat with the other folks near the props, "huh. SIX blocks today? Wonder if we'll be doing that weird inversion leg lowering thing that KILLED my abs last month."), turn to the person next to me on either side ("man, it must be 80 degrees in here! I'm sweating already. Can you believe we were supposed to have snow today?" "I think I tweaked my shoulder last night when we did 37 chaturangas in a row. Hope she takes it easy on us today."). And then similar chats outside while putting my shoes back on ("wow! That was great! I am REALLY going to feel it in the morning, though.") I've been at the same studio for years, and part of what I love about it is the sense of community and how people are comfortable talking to each other before and after class. But I have never once seen a guy "chatting up" a girl there, and I honestly couldn't tell you if any of the men who regularly go there are single (though some are definitely partnered, based on their chitchat). I think I'd be uncomfortable if I picked up on any flirting vibes in the class, even if they weren't directed at me, but that may be more because it would feel out of step with the philosophy of the studio than anything else, I'm not sure.
posted by instamatic at 3:20 AM on November 13, 2013
For a lot of women, yoga is a safe space to be okay with our bodies. We can wear spandex, we can stick our butts out in cat-cow, we can sweat profusely, we can close our eyes in vulnerable positions. It's creepy to realize we've been gawked at the whole time. And if a guy you don't know is trying to strike up a conversation with you before or after class, it's obvious that he's only motivated by how you look in leggings and not by your personality or even how long you can hold bakasana.
If you want to talk to attractive strangers, go to bars or singles events. If you want to meet people in a place where it's easier to strike up a conversation, find a hobby, exercise, or meetup group where talking is encouraged throughout. Yoga is just a bad place to try and meet women, because it's awkward to talk and because of Those Guys. Sorry.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:24 AM on November 13, 2013 [17 favorites]
If you want to talk to attractive strangers, go to bars or singles events. If you want to meet people in a place where it's easier to strike up a conversation, find a hobby, exercise, or meetup group where talking is encouraged throughout. Yoga is just a bad place to try and meet women, because it's awkward to talk and because of Those Guys. Sorry.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:24 AM on November 13, 2013 [17 favorites]
So I got a lot of practice talking to random people while backpacking for a few months, here are my go to topics:
Family/pets
Work/school
Hopes and dreams
posted by empath at 4:06 AM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Family/pets
Work/school
Hopes and dreams
posted by empath at 4:06 AM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm going to suggest that it largely depends on how the class is run and that the class you are in is never going to be conducive for striking up a conversation with your neighbors (despite the "say hello to your neighbor" thing). I'm a guy who does yoga. Depending on my schedule, I go to three different studios and not always the same classes at a studio. I have a lot of samples for what are norms in yoga classes. No one talks at the beginning of class at any of these studios. The ritual is the same everywhere: unroll your mat, arrange whatever props or water bottle or towel, then maybe lie down in savasana or get into a child pose or do some breathing exercises. People are trying to get their head into their practice. There is almost no conversation or chatting after the class, either, in any of these classes. Often there is a class coming in behind the one that just finished and people are focused on getting out of there to wherever they are going. The two exceptions I've seen: one of the classes is the first class of the day and the instructor sometimes rolls in with a few minutes to spare; the early bird students will end up standing around outside the locked studio waiting and everyone ends up striking up conversations. Second example: a weekend class where the class is small, everyone is a "regular", and we all know the instructor personally (which is why we all come to that class). The class has even gone out to brunch as a group on occasion. If your class doesn't have a dynamic like that, I don't see where you are going to be able to ever get beyond "hey, could I ask you to please move your mat over a little?"
posted by kovacs at 4:12 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by kovacs at 4:12 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
If the primary reason you have for talking to somebody is because you think they're a Beautiful Woman, then you're not going to have much of a conversation.
In addition to the fact that many women would find it unpleasant, I think you will find it much easier to talk to women when you are all in a social space, such as a sports team or some other shared activity, and not just when you are all quietly farting in sweat-drenched Spandex.
If the primary reason that you have to talk to these women anyway is because the instructor wants you to "say hello to your neighbor," then this may be nothing more than a ritual. It may well be that nobody has much to say other than, "Hi, I'm $MY_NAME."
If the fact that you find them to be Beautiful Women makes you nervous or self-conscious, then remember that they're probably just as self-conscious and befuddled by life in general as you are.
...
That said, if you really are determined to talk to women at yoga, even though IMHO you should regard this space as off-limits for flirting, then the best advice will be the usual Dale Carnegie line: the best way to talk to people is to get them to talk about themselves.
As a corollary to that, remember that the best way to engage a stranger in conversation is to make it clear that you are not simply quizzing them for information about themselves, but rather involving them in some sort of shared discussion, where you have a reason to interact with their opinion.
For example, "Where do you work" is a bad opener for an otherwise unprompted conversation, because it's just a question-and-answer. Oh, you're a loan officer? Hm, I'm in international sales for eggplants. Well, those are certainly two jobs that we have. Good thing we ironed that out.
However, "Our instructor looks exactly like somebody famous, but I can't put my finger on it...maybe $INOFFENSIVE_CELEBRITY? What do you think?" is at least a call for their opinion, in a light and neutral way. Of course, if they don't seem very interested in this line of questioning, then it is what it is, so don't push it.
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:31 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
In addition to the fact that many women would find it unpleasant, I think you will find it much easier to talk to women when you are all in a social space, such as a sports team or some other shared activity, and not just when you are all quietly farting in sweat-drenched Spandex.
If the primary reason that you have to talk to these women anyway is because the instructor wants you to "say hello to your neighbor," then this may be nothing more than a ritual. It may well be that nobody has much to say other than, "Hi, I'm $MY_NAME."
If the fact that you find them to be Beautiful Women makes you nervous or self-conscious, then remember that they're probably just as self-conscious and befuddled by life in general as you are.
...
That said, if you really are determined to talk to women at yoga, even though IMHO you should regard this space as off-limits for flirting, then the best advice will be the usual Dale Carnegie line: the best way to talk to people is to get them to talk about themselves.
As a corollary to that, remember that the best way to engage a stranger in conversation is to make it clear that you are not simply quizzing them for information about themselves, but rather involving them in some sort of shared discussion, where you have a reason to interact with their opinion.
For example, "Where do you work" is a bad opener for an otherwise unprompted conversation, because it's just a question-and-answer. Oh, you're a loan officer? Hm, I'm in international sales for eggplants. Well, those are certainly two jobs that we have. Good thing we ironed that out.
However, "Our instructor looks exactly like somebody famous, but I can't put my finger on it...maybe $INOFFENSIVE_CELEBRITY? What do you think?" is at least a call for their opinion, in a light and neutral way. Of course, if they don't seem very interested in this line of questioning, then it is what it is, so don't push it.
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:31 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Small talk with strangers is kind of inherently inane. If you had some interesting shared context with the other party, they wouldn't be a stranger. That's why you're going to be talking about the weather, traffic, things currently visible in the room, or what time it is and how you feel about that (seriously). These are topics that literally anyone can discuss, but change just enough from day to day that you don't have to say the same actual words each time.
Smalls I have talked in the recent past:
posted by Courage is going from failure to failure at 5:12 AM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Smalls I have talked in the recent past:
- How do you like this very nearly sunny weather we're having? (I live in the Seattle area. This is exciting in November.)
- Wow, that is a super-huge bow you're wearing.
- Happy Tuesday!
- Do you know where they hide the straws here?
- You changed your hair!
posted by Courage is going from failure to failure at 5:12 AM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Leave these women alone unless one of them smiles at you or wants to engage you.
Women don't go to yoga to meet men. I've noticed that suddenly there's been an uptick in men talking about coming to yoga to meet women.
You just have to save it for an appropriate time and place. These women aren't coming to yoga to meet you/get creeped on. Go meet women at an apprpriate place, like speed dating/singles mixer or parties.
posted by discopolo at 5:18 AM on November 13, 2013
Women don't go to yoga to meet men. I've noticed that suddenly there's been an uptick in men talking about coming to yoga to meet women.
You just have to save it for an appropriate time and place. These women aren't coming to yoga to meet you/get creeped on. Go meet women at an apprpriate place, like speed dating/singles mixer or parties.
posted by discopolo at 5:18 AM on November 13, 2013
"We'll be starting in a minute, so say hello to your neighbor."
This is not "start a conversation with your neighbor" - it's just say hello. Like the exchanging of peace in church. People don't continue the conversation, because they were tasked with saying hello and hello has been said. After class, when you've left the room, is the only appropriate time to start a conversation. I do yoga for mental relaxation, not for exercise, and some dude hitting on me (yes, it's obvious, regardless of the 'line' you use) would screw up my mojo for the entire session, and I might avoid that class all together in the future. And honestly, I've had a few instructors that would ban you from the studio for hitting on other students. Yoga requires the student to accept and embrace a certain level of vulnerability and creating a safe space for that is essential to the success of the class.
All you know about this woman is that she's attractive to you and does yoga -- you don't know if she 's single, straight, has the same interests, etc. You can really only start a conversation once you've seen the same person multiple times - then you can ask about yoga (the only thing you know you have in common), or make generic small talk (weather, local news, etc). If you don't receive immediate reciprocation of the conversation, drop it forever.
Meetup.com, sports leagues, etc are much more appropriate places to meet people.
posted by melissasaurus at 5:26 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is not "start a conversation with your neighbor" - it's just say hello. Like the exchanging of peace in church. People don't continue the conversation, because they were tasked with saying hello and hello has been said. After class, when you've left the room, is the only appropriate time to start a conversation. I do yoga for mental relaxation, not for exercise, and some dude hitting on me (yes, it's obvious, regardless of the 'line' you use) would screw up my mojo for the entire session, and I might avoid that class all together in the future. And honestly, I've had a few instructors that would ban you from the studio for hitting on other students. Yoga requires the student to accept and embrace a certain level of vulnerability and creating a safe space for that is essential to the success of the class.
All you know about this woman is that she's attractive to you and does yoga -- you don't know if she 's single, straight, has the same interests, etc. You can really only start a conversation once you've seen the same person multiple times - then you can ask about yoga (the only thing you know you have in common), or make generic small talk (weather, local news, etc). If you don't receive immediate reciprocation of the conversation, drop it forever.
Meetup.com, sports leagues, etc are much more appropriate places to meet people.
posted by melissasaurus at 5:26 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I go to a small yoga studio where I often see the same people in different classes. Usually 1-3 men in a class. All I've ever talked about with them is the 1. weather, as we are putting on our shoes/coats etc. after class outside the door. 2. How difficult one of us finds headstands (a common topic for me!)
posted by gaspode at 5:30 AM on November 13, 2013
posted by gaspode at 5:30 AM on November 13, 2013
Pro top: just because someone looks good in yoga pants doesn't mean you have anything in common with them.
I think your problem seems to be you've categorized your yoga classmates as "unapproachable Beautiful women" that you're having trouble talking to them. They are people with lives outside of class, just like you! Talk to them about, well, anything you'd talk to to other people you don't know very well about. The weather, the yoga, kids these days, etc.
I assume you intend more than just "talking", though, since if all you were interested in was talking their being Beautiful wouldn't really be an issue. If you're looking for dates, get to know a few of your classmates before asking them out on a date, otherwise you may end up on a really terrible date with someone you have nothing in common with. If you're looking for sex, there are better venues than a yoga class; hitting on your classmates will just make the class shitty for them.
posted by Ndwright at 6:50 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think your problem seems to be you've categorized your yoga classmates as "unapproachable Beautiful women" that you're having trouble talking to them. They are people with lives outside of class, just like you! Talk to them about, well, anything you'd talk to to other people you don't know very well about. The weather, the yoga, kids these days, etc.
I assume you intend more than just "talking", though, since if all you were interested in was talking their being Beautiful wouldn't really be an issue. If you're looking for dates, get to know a few of your classmates before asking them out on a date, otherwise you may end up on a really terrible date with someone you have nothing in common with. If you're looking for sex, there are better venues than a yoga class; hitting on your classmates will just make the class shitty for them.
posted by Ndwright at 6:50 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm thinking the "say hello to your neighbor" thing is to ease a little tension in an otherwise intimate setting. It makes it easier for me, in my yoga class, to fall over or nearly whack someone in the head with my foot if we've said hello first. But, as other people have said, starting a real conversation at the beginning of class is disruptive to the other attendees' practice. Even when a woman was chatting me up (I'm a woman) and trying to figure out how she knew me (I was the pregnant lady who was gone for a few months and she didn't recognize me as non-pregnant), that was mostly unwelcome and seemed invasive. The timing was incorrect because at the beginning of class, I'm trying to get my head into the correct yoga mindset. Now, if she had chatted me up after class while I was putting my shoes on or walking out the door, that would have been much more appropriate and welcome.
That being said, if a guy tried hitting on me after yoga class, I would more than likely avoid that particular yoga class if I suspected he'd be in it again. Especially if it was a small yoga class.
posted by jillithd at 6:55 AM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
That being said, if a guy tried hitting on me after yoga class, I would more than likely avoid that particular yoga class if I suspected he'd be in it again. Especially if it was a small yoga class.
posted by jillithd at 6:55 AM on November 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Imagine that you are in a yoga class full of men around your age. You want to make new friends and suspect this group, considering your ages and common interest in yoga, is a good place to start. What would you do to form any type of friendship in that situation? Do that.
This is a great way to avoid creeper vibes, as hopefully it would not occur to you to tell the guy beside you his body looks hot in that pose if your goal was friendship. You are also going to pick up on who clearly isn't remotely interested in talking and respect that if you don't have rom com pursuer garbage cluttering up your expectations of how to proceed.
I do have to nth that when I took yoga, I would not have appreciated any attempts to be picked up, and was only very slightly interested in forming platonic relationships with other women in the class. It was my unwinding time, not my socializing time. The few times a guy has hit on me at the gym I've just flat out pretended I didn't hear them.
posted by Dynex at 7:06 AM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
This is a great way to avoid creeper vibes, as hopefully it would not occur to you to tell the guy beside you his body looks hot in that pose if your goal was friendship. You are also going to pick up on who clearly isn't remotely interested in talking and respect that if you don't have rom com pursuer garbage cluttering up your expectations of how to proceed.
I do have to nth that when I took yoga, I would not have appreciated any attempts to be picked up, and was only very slightly interested in forming platonic relationships with other women in the class. It was my unwinding time, not my socializing time. The few times a guy has hit on me at the gym I've just flat out pretended I didn't hear them.
posted by Dynex at 7:06 AM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Oh, dear. You appear to think that "Beautiful Women" are a group of people who require a particular approach to small talk that is remarkably different from the approach required for men and... non-beautiful (?) women, which is a belief that will generally not serve you well in life. Beautiful women are not a unique or exotic species. The fact that you are attracted to them does not mean that you will have anything in common or be able to have any sort of more-than-momentary conversation with them at all, let alone get them into bed with you. It doesn't even mean they're attracted to men. They're in yoga class to do yoga, not to speak or be spoken to by anyone but the instructor and/or people with whom they are actually friendly.
Many women are hit on and even outright harassed on a very regular basis. The fact that men are going to try to sleep with us is never too far from our minds, and ostensibly athletic classes are basically the last place on earth we're going to want to have to deal with it. Yoga is strengthening, relaxing, and safe. It is also usually very quiet and meditative. The folks I know who regularly attend yoga class, myself included, would be downright horrified if someone started to try to chat us up while we were just trying to deepen our practice and our connection with our bodies. It's annoying and disruptive to us and the rest of the attendees.
I would honestly leave and never come back if a dude in my class started trying to hit on me by making an attempt to pique my interest with small talk while we were practicing. Yoga is sacred to me, central to my life, and my regular class is one of the only places on earth I feel totally immune and safe from an otherwise near-constant parade of creepy microaggressions and reminders that I am A Female Person rather than A Regular Person. Every woman I know who goes to yoga feels the same way.
Given your laserlike focus on their beauty and attractiveness, it's clear that you're trying to figure out a way to date these women rather than make friends or engage in normal small talk, so I'm a bit loathe to offer up advice on how to approach them. As your instructor suggests, I would recommend just saying hello and leaving it at that. If you absolutely must take it further, PLEASE wait until after class and speak to them like you'd speak to any other person: exchange thoughts about the weather, sports, upcoming local events, poses you find especially challenging, what brand of yoga mat you prefer. If they seem uninterested, let it drop. Do not push it. Do not make observations about their clothing or physical appearance. Don't stare. Don't corner them in conversation when there's no way for them to leave (i.e. during class).
Above all, please do not take advantage of the fact that women are generally socialized to be unfailingly polite in basically all circumstances, particularly when we are approached by men who are complete strangers, even when we are freaked out, annoyed, or uncomfortable. We are often accused of being "bitchy," unfriendly, or frigid if we do not respond with endless patience and good-naturedness. There are a million places in this world where single, approachable women are not in a confined space contorting their bodies next to you. Meet people in those places instead. Try online dating and look up other people who like yoga if it's important for you to find someone to practice with. Women are people, too. Give us a break!
posted by divined by radio at 7:18 AM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
Many women are hit on and even outright harassed on a very regular basis. The fact that men are going to try to sleep with us is never too far from our minds, and ostensibly athletic classes are basically the last place on earth we're going to want to have to deal with it. Yoga is strengthening, relaxing, and safe. It is also usually very quiet and meditative. The folks I know who regularly attend yoga class, myself included, would be downright horrified if someone started to try to chat us up while we were just trying to deepen our practice and our connection with our bodies. It's annoying and disruptive to us and the rest of the attendees.
I would honestly leave and never come back if a dude in my class started trying to hit on me by making an attempt to pique my interest with small talk while we were practicing. Yoga is sacred to me, central to my life, and my regular class is one of the only places on earth I feel totally immune and safe from an otherwise near-constant parade of creepy microaggressions and reminders that I am A Female Person rather than A Regular Person. Every woman I know who goes to yoga feels the same way.
Given your laserlike focus on their beauty and attractiveness, it's clear that you're trying to figure out a way to date these women rather than make friends or engage in normal small talk, so I'm a bit loathe to offer up advice on how to approach them. As your instructor suggests, I would recommend just saying hello and leaving it at that. If you absolutely must take it further, PLEASE wait until after class and speak to them like you'd speak to any other person: exchange thoughts about the weather, sports, upcoming local events, poses you find especially challenging, what brand of yoga mat you prefer. If they seem uninterested, let it drop. Do not push it. Do not make observations about their clothing or physical appearance. Don't stare. Don't corner them in conversation when there's no way for them to leave (i.e. during class).
Above all, please do not take advantage of the fact that women are generally socialized to be unfailingly polite in basically all circumstances, particularly when we are approached by men who are complete strangers, even when we are freaked out, annoyed, or uncomfortable. We are often accused of being "bitchy," unfriendly, or frigid if we do not respond with endless patience and good-naturedness. There are a million places in this world where single, approachable women are not in a confined space contorting their bodies next to you. Meet people in those places instead. Try online dating and look up other people who like yoga if it's important for you to find someone to practice with. Women are people, too. Give us a break!
posted by divined by radio at 7:18 AM on November 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Although you've referred to the women in your question as "Attractive Woman", you frame the question around being awkward doing the "say hello to your neighbor" part of the class, not at wanting to date the women in your class. So is your question "How do I talk to the people I see every couple of days in yoga but who are So Pretty that I get awkward?" or is your question "How do I chat up the hot babes in my yoga class"? The answer to the second question is a pretty emphatic "You don't chat up the hot babes in your yoga class".
But if it's the first question ("How do I talk to the people I see every couple of days in yoga but who are So Pretty that I get awkward?"), it is a perfectly normal totally okay question to have. You're in a structured environment which is not geared toward socializing and being told "say hi to your neighbor" and then feeling weird doing it.
For one thing, stop characterizing them in your head as "Attractive Woman A" and "Attractive Woman B" and just view them as "Person in my Yoga Class, also Waiting for Class to Start".
Lots of people in my yoga class chat before class: it's a neighborhood gym and they're all pretty much regulars. They chat about the weather, the neighborhood, what poses they are really enjoying or finding hard. If the instructor (who loves to talk about herself) has said something last class about a vacation or whatever, they chat about that. They find out where each other lives in the neighborhood, what the new restaurant is like. A number of people just say "good morning" and then start stretching or clearly tuning everyone else out. Be mindful of those cues.
I think the people above who have said "talk about safe, context-appropriate things" are on target. When the instructor says "We'll start in a few minutes so chat amongst yourselves", don't chat at someone who is already in a pose and apparently being meditative, but do talk to someone who is standing around waiting. Say "hi, I'm zeri. How's your day going?" or "Hi I'm zeri. Were you at the last class? that new variation really was great."
posted by crush-onastick at 7:19 AM on November 13, 2013
But if it's the first question ("How do I talk to the people I see every couple of days in yoga but who are So Pretty that I get awkward?"), it is a perfectly normal totally okay question to have. You're in a structured environment which is not geared toward socializing and being told "say hi to your neighbor" and then feeling weird doing it.
For one thing, stop characterizing them in your head as "Attractive Woman A" and "Attractive Woman B" and just view them as "Person in my Yoga Class, also Waiting for Class to Start".
Lots of people in my yoga class chat before class: it's a neighborhood gym and they're all pretty much regulars. They chat about the weather, the neighborhood, what poses they are really enjoying or finding hard. If the instructor (who loves to talk about herself) has said something last class about a vacation or whatever, they chat about that. They find out where each other lives in the neighborhood, what the new restaurant is like. A number of people just say "good morning" and then start stretching or clearly tuning everyone else out. Be mindful of those cues.
I think the people above who have said "talk about safe, context-appropriate things" are on target. When the instructor says "We'll start in a few minutes so chat amongst yourselves", don't chat at someone who is already in a pose and apparently being meditative, but do talk to someone who is standing around waiting. Say "hi, I'm zeri. How's your day going?" or "Hi I'm zeri. Were you at the last class? that new variation really was great."
posted by crush-onastick at 7:19 AM on November 13, 2013
I suck at talking to strangers. I need prescripted lines.
How about practicing being friendly to strangers in low-stakes situations, in situations where you aren't looking for any specific outcome? This learned skill will carry over to talking with people you do want something from (e.g., potential romantic partners).
Strike up light convos with EVERYone and ANYone. Ask the dude at the bus stop if he knows where to get a good sandwich around here. Ask the mom in the checkout line with the toddler if she can recommend a gift for your little niece's upcoming birthday. Compliment the elderly gent on his hat.
If there are other men in your class, try chatting them up first. "Hey man, what do you think about that yoga mat you're using? I'm looking to get a better one. Mine sucks."
If you work on becoming a naturally inquisitive, friendly sort of chap, it will lead naturally to your being curious and friendly to women-of-interest. Plus, it just makes life so much more fun, and makes the people around you feel good.
posted by nacho fries at 7:29 AM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
How about practicing being friendly to strangers in low-stakes situations, in situations where you aren't looking for any specific outcome? This learned skill will carry over to talking with people you do want something from (e.g., potential romantic partners).
Strike up light convos with EVERYone and ANYone. Ask the dude at the bus stop if he knows where to get a good sandwich around here. Ask the mom in the checkout line with the toddler if she can recommend a gift for your little niece's upcoming birthday. Compliment the elderly gent on his hat.
If there are other men in your class, try chatting them up first. "Hey man, what do you think about that yoga mat you're using? I'm looking to get a better one. Mine sucks."
If you work on becoming a naturally inquisitive, friendly sort of chap, it will lead naturally to your being curious and friendly to women-of-interest. Plus, it just makes life so much more fun, and makes the people around you feel good.
posted by nacho fries at 7:29 AM on November 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
While I agree with folks up above who say that it would be all too easy to come off as creepy or even threatening in this context (it's pretty much a cliché that straight guys at yoga classes are there just to hit on attractive, fit women in tight clothes) I don't think that this is a hopeless, hard line, don't-talk-to-the-ladies situation. While overcoming the creepiness hurdle is definitely a factor, the benefit is that if you can overcome it, you will have more or less conclusively demonstrated that you are not a creeper. That will get you a long way as far as making friends with and/or getting dates with women, since one of the main filters that women tend to have when sizing up any unknown man is "does this guy seem like a creep?" If you can get past that filter, you're doing well.
I'm going to assume that you are a straight or bi guy who is interested in the women at your yoga class as potential friends and potential romantic or sexual partners. You don't quite state it outright but I feel safe in this assumption because you mention that you are male, single, and that you find many of the women at your class attractive. My main uncertainty is whether or not you are interested in these women as friends or only as romantic/sexual partners, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume that you are. For what it's worth if you're only interested in sex (or dating as a route to sex) you probably should just chill because most women who are even slightly socially aware can sense that a long way off and especially in a context like a yoga class they will find it very off-putting. (Not all of them of course, I would never presume to speak for all women [and as a guy it's sorta questionable whether I can speak for any of them] but I think I'm safe in saying that in a yoga class this would apply to almost all of them.)
Since guys going to yoga to hit on women is such a cliché, there's unfortunately a good chance that some of the women in your class already assume that this is why you're there even if they've never spoken a word to you. This is unfair, but it's life. Blame the patriarchy for training women to make this assumption – it's a survival strategy. You can overcome this, but it takes patience and care. You have to go slow and be ultra non-threatening. This is harder than it sounds! Obviously you're not a threat to anybody there (I'm going to go ahead and make that assumption, anyway) but since so many men are a threat to women, especially in the context of lone men approaching lone women, the risk/reward assessment incentivises women to see men as potential threats.
Here's the general strategy: make small talk, and stick to safe topics like the weather or the news or the class, or other things that they've volunteered to you in the past (like if you ask her how she's doing and she mentions that her kids are driving her up the wall, you would probably be safe asking her how her kids are doing after that). Confine your interactions to times when it's appropriate, i.e. immediately before and after class. Keep interactions brief at first, and always make sure that the woman you're talking to has an out – be alert for signals that she is getting uncomfortable, and if you sense that she might be getting uncomfortable just pleasantly end the interaction. Don't focus on a particular woman, you don't want to make anyone feel targeted, but don't be really aggressive about chatting up every single conventionally-attractive woman in the class either. Just talk to anyone who seems reasonably open, as long as the situation is appropriate and you aren't interrupting them.
During class itself, keep your mouth zipped and your eyes to yourself. Let people be in their own minds and their own bodies, without having to worry about being talked to or ogled. Resist the urge (if you have the urge) to comment on other peoples' form – that's the instructor's job, not yours. Yoga is a personal and introspective activity, and you don't want to disrupt that.
Keep that up for a few weeks or months. Eventually you'll notice that at least some of the women, after you've exchanged pleasantries a few times, will open up a bit and volunteer something a little more personal – a book they've been reading, a movie they saw, something about their job, something like that. After that you might seek them out to chat with them (again during appropriate times only, and within reason – don't hang around conspicuously waiting for them to walk by so you can buttonhole them or anything). Once you've been doing that for a little while, congratulations! You are now yoga friends.
Once you've made a yoga friend, you could try to extend that friendship to outside of yoga. If you think that this is somebody who you might genuinely like to befriend and/or possibly date, and if you know enough about her to surmise that she might be up for a new friendship and/or relationship, try asking her if she'd like to join you in some small, neutral activity after class. Is there a coffeeshop nearby? Perfect, ask her if she'd like to get a coffee or a sandwich with you after class sometime.
If she accepts then great, you're now normal friends (friendly acquaintances anyway) and you can proceed as normal in that vein. If she demurs, just continue being yoga friends indefinitely. Depending on the reason she demurs (and I leave this up to your own judgement) you might try asking her again once or twice, but not right away. After two or three "rejections" you should drop the matter entirely. Don't stop being yoga friends with this person though, after all they're nice and you genuinely like them, right? And dropping someone just because they won't go out on a date with you (or to get a coffee, whatever) is a sure way to broadcast that you were only looking for a hookup. Word will get around if that happens, trust me.
That's pretty longwinded but you get the idea. Keep your initial interactions light and nonthreatening, don't put any pressure on anyone, confine your chatting to appropriate times, let the women mostly take the lead as far as when to step up the amount of interaction, and always be on the lookout for discomfort or unwillingness to go further. If you can establish that you're not a creep then you may go far, but the barrier is extra high in a context like this. Good luck, have fun. I hope you make some friends or get a date.
posted by Scientist at 7:48 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm going to assume that you are a straight or bi guy who is interested in the women at your yoga class as potential friends and potential romantic or sexual partners. You don't quite state it outright but I feel safe in this assumption because you mention that you are male, single, and that you find many of the women at your class attractive. My main uncertainty is whether or not you are interested in these women as friends or only as romantic/sexual partners, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume that you are. For what it's worth if you're only interested in sex (or dating as a route to sex) you probably should just chill because most women who are even slightly socially aware can sense that a long way off and especially in a context like a yoga class they will find it very off-putting. (Not all of them of course, I would never presume to speak for all women [and as a guy it's sorta questionable whether I can speak for any of them] but I think I'm safe in saying that in a yoga class this would apply to almost all of them.)
Since guys going to yoga to hit on women is such a cliché, there's unfortunately a good chance that some of the women in your class already assume that this is why you're there even if they've never spoken a word to you. This is unfair, but it's life. Blame the patriarchy for training women to make this assumption – it's a survival strategy. You can overcome this, but it takes patience and care. You have to go slow and be ultra non-threatening. This is harder than it sounds! Obviously you're not a threat to anybody there (I'm going to go ahead and make that assumption, anyway) but since so many men are a threat to women, especially in the context of lone men approaching lone women, the risk/reward assessment incentivises women to see men as potential threats.
Here's the general strategy: make small talk, and stick to safe topics like the weather or the news or the class, or other things that they've volunteered to you in the past (like if you ask her how she's doing and she mentions that her kids are driving her up the wall, you would probably be safe asking her how her kids are doing after that). Confine your interactions to times when it's appropriate, i.e. immediately before and after class. Keep interactions brief at first, and always make sure that the woman you're talking to has an out – be alert for signals that she is getting uncomfortable, and if you sense that she might be getting uncomfortable just pleasantly end the interaction. Don't focus on a particular woman, you don't want to make anyone feel targeted, but don't be really aggressive about chatting up every single conventionally-attractive woman in the class either. Just talk to anyone who seems reasonably open, as long as the situation is appropriate and you aren't interrupting them.
During class itself, keep your mouth zipped and your eyes to yourself. Let people be in their own minds and their own bodies, without having to worry about being talked to or ogled. Resist the urge (if you have the urge) to comment on other peoples' form – that's the instructor's job, not yours. Yoga is a personal and introspective activity, and you don't want to disrupt that.
Keep that up for a few weeks or months. Eventually you'll notice that at least some of the women, after you've exchanged pleasantries a few times, will open up a bit and volunteer something a little more personal – a book they've been reading, a movie they saw, something about their job, something like that. After that you might seek them out to chat with them (again during appropriate times only, and within reason – don't hang around conspicuously waiting for them to walk by so you can buttonhole them or anything). Once you've been doing that for a little while, congratulations! You are now yoga friends.
Once you've made a yoga friend, you could try to extend that friendship to outside of yoga. If you think that this is somebody who you might genuinely like to befriend and/or possibly date, and if you know enough about her to surmise that she might be up for a new friendship and/or relationship, try asking her if she'd like to join you in some small, neutral activity after class. Is there a coffeeshop nearby? Perfect, ask her if she'd like to get a coffee or a sandwich with you after class sometime.
If she accepts then great, you're now normal friends (friendly acquaintances anyway) and you can proceed as normal in that vein. If she demurs, just continue being yoga friends indefinitely. Depending on the reason she demurs (and I leave this up to your own judgement) you might try asking her again once or twice, but not right away. After two or three "rejections" you should drop the matter entirely. Don't stop being yoga friends with this person though, after all they're nice and you genuinely like them, right? And dropping someone just because they won't go out on a date with you (or to get a coffee, whatever) is a sure way to broadcast that you were only looking for a hookup. Word will get around if that happens, trust me.
That's pretty longwinded but you get the idea. Keep your initial interactions light and nonthreatening, don't put any pressure on anyone, confine your chatting to appropriate times, let the women mostly take the lead as far as when to step up the amount of interaction, and always be on the lookout for discomfort or unwillingness to go further. If you can establish that you're not a creep then you may go far, but the barrier is extra high in a context like this. Good luck, have fun. I hope you make some friends or get a date.
posted by Scientist at 7:48 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
The FAQs on Reddit's /r/Ask Women have a ton of great threads on how and when it is appropriate (in the opinion of women participating in the thread) to approach women for romantic/sexual purposes when at the gym, signs of interest/disinterest, tips for the socially awkward, what makes someone 'creepy', the friend zone, and much much more.
posted by melissasaurus at 8:17 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by melissasaurus at 8:17 AM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: OK, I should obviously have been a lot clearer in my question.
I'm not asking for advice on how to flirt/chat up women/ask women out during yoga class. I go to yoga to practice yoga, not to meet women. But, when I look around during "say hello to your neighbor" time, I see a lot of mini-conversations going on between people who obviously either don't know each other at all, or know each other as "yoga friends". It's not that everyone turns to their neighbor, says "Hi, I'm X", and then sits still: for a lot of people around me these exchanges develop into short conversations for the couple of minutes while everyone's setting up. I'm pretty clueless about how to make this kind of small talk happen, and I'd like to get better at it.
I framed it as about attractive women rather than about making new friends because, well, I'm attracted to attractive women. But I should have been clear that the question isn't "How do I get into the pants of the hot babes in my yoga class" but "How do I use this designated interaction time to form some kind of minimal connection, which might-potentially-over-time-if-it-turns-out-there's-something-there become the basis for something more".
posted by zeri at 9:27 AM on November 13, 2013
I'm not asking for advice on how to flirt/chat up women/ask women out during yoga class. I go to yoga to practice yoga, not to meet women. But, when I look around during "say hello to your neighbor" time, I see a lot of mini-conversations going on between people who obviously either don't know each other at all, or know each other as "yoga friends". It's not that everyone turns to their neighbor, says "Hi, I'm X", and then sits still: for a lot of people around me these exchanges develop into short conversations for the couple of minutes while everyone's setting up. I'm pretty clueless about how to make this kind of small talk happen, and I'd like to get better at it.
I framed it as about attractive women rather than about making new friends because, well, I'm attracted to attractive women. But I should have been clear that the question isn't "How do I get into the pants of the hot babes in my yoga class" but "How do I use this designated interaction time to form some kind of minimal connection, which might-potentially-over-time-if-it-turns-out-there's-something-there become the basis for something more".
posted by zeri at 9:27 AM on November 13, 2013
"How do I use this designated interaction time to form some kind of minimal connection, which might-potentially-over-time-if-it-turns-out-there's-something-there become the basis for something more"
The exact same way you would approach another man with the slight hope of a growing firendship if you both have enough in common. Do you have this social block when it comes to talking to men as well?
posted by Dynex at 9:42 AM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
The exact same way you would approach another man with the slight hope of a growing firendship if you both have enough in common. Do you have this social block when it comes to talking to men as well?
posted by Dynex at 9:42 AM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
The problem with trying to meet women to date at something like a yoga class is that most likely the majority of them are taken, and the ones who aren't won't be wearing signs that say "SINGLE AND LOOKING."
Honestly, that's what online dating is for. The great thing about it is that on a dating website, basically everyone has the equivalent of a sign on their forehead that says "single and looking" (along with other vital info, like which gender, age they're looking for, and maybe things like religion/politics/whether they want kids).
It's not that you can't meet people to date offline, but for most people it usually happens at work or school, or through friends or an ongoing social group (like a church or a rec sports league), where you have time to learn someone's personality and relationship status naturally. I just don't think that many romances in real life start with a "meet cute" like you're trying to engineer.
posted by Asparagus at 10:08 AM on November 13, 2013
Honestly, that's what online dating is for. The great thing about it is that on a dating website, basically everyone has the equivalent of a sign on their forehead that says "single and looking" (along with other vital info, like which gender, age they're looking for, and maybe things like religion/politics/whether they want kids).
It's not that you can't meet people to date offline, but for most people it usually happens at work or school, or through friends or an ongoing social group (like a church or a rec sports league), where you have time to learn someone's personality and relationship status naturally. I just don't think that many romances in real life start with a "meet cute" like you're trying to engineer.
posted by Asparagus at 10:08 AM on November 13, 2013
I see a lot of mini-conversations going on between people who obviously either don't know each other at all, or know each other as "yoga friends". It's not that everyone turns to their neighbor, says "Hi, I'm X", and then sits still: for a lot of people around me these exchanges develop into short conversations for the couple of minutes while everyone's setting up. I'm pretty clueless about how to make this kind of small talk happen, and I'd like to get better at it.
Are you a regular at that particular class? If so, maybe try to develop a bit more of a routine (if you don't already). Arrive around the same time, set your mat up in the same spot, etc.
In my experience of yoga, those "mini-conversations" happen as people get comfortable with each other. Which won't happen if you're going to the 4:30 Wednesday Vinyasa sometimes, the 7:00 Tuesday Gentle Flow other times, etc. Or if you're going into a class of 50 people and sitting in a different spot every time, and there aren't any regulars.
I'm sort of introverted, but I'm not typically inclined to have an extended chat with a stranger I've never seen before. But if I see the guy to my right in class every Thursday like clockwork, I probably will ask "How's it going?" or comment on the weather or otherwise make small talk.
Also, just because you used the phrasing "something more" -- keep in mind that none of the other people making casual small talk are looking for dates. Don't be looking for a date.
posted by Sara C. at 10:09 AM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
Are you a regular at that particular class? If so, maybe try to develop a bit more of a routine (if you don't already). Arrive around the same time, set your mat up in the same spot, etc.
In my experience of yoga, those "mini-conversations" happen as people get comfortable with each other. Which won't happen if you're going to the 4:30 Wednesday Vinyasa sometimes, the 7:00 Tuesday Gentle Flow other times, etc. Or if you're going into a class of 50 people and sitting in a different spot every time, and there aren't any regulars.
I'm sort of introverted, but I'm not typically inclined to have an extended chat with a stranger I've never seen before. But if I see the guy to my right in class every Thursday like clockwork, I probably will ask "How's it going?" or comment on the weather or otherwise make small talk.
Also, just because you used the phrasing "something more" -- keep in mind that none of the other people making casual small talk are looking for dates. Don't be looking for a date.
posted by Sara C. at 10:09 AM on November 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
for a lot of people around me these exchanges develop into short conversations for the couple of minutes while everyone's setting up.
Since that's the case, keep in mind that these women are perfectly capable of generating small talk topics with you *if* they so desire to have that sort of chitchat. It's not all on you. I would take the fact that this dynamic isn't organically happening already -- that the women are *choosing* not to be chit-chatty -- as an indicator that they prefer not to go beyond the simple introduction with you.
That's not a slag against you, or to suggest that there's anything wrong with you that is keeping them from choosing to bridge the convo gap -- just that you should lean back and not force the issue. Women have words, and know how to use them. When they choose not to (when they choose to be silent) that should be respected, I think.
posted by nacho fries at 4:15 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Since that's the case, keep in mind that these women are perfectly capable of generating small talk topics with you *if* they so desire to have that sort of chitchat. It's not all on you. I would take the fact that this dynamic isn't organically happening already -- that the women are *choosing* not to be chit-chatty -- as an indicator that they prefer not to go beyond the simple introduction with you.
That's not a slag against you, or to suggest that there's anything wrong with you that is keeping them from choosing to bridge the convo gap -- just that you should lean back and not force the issue. Women have words, and know how to use them. When they choose not to (when they choose to be silent) that should be respected, I think.
posted by nacho fries at 4:15 PM on November 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: So I go to yoga, and usually we all end up sitting in the hall waiting for the last class to get out. During a time like this, I would be perfectly ok with a guy chatting with me. Things we usually talk about while waiting:
-last week's class totally kicked my ass
-x pose is super hard but I've been working on it
-the other teachers/classes- who/what do you like and why
-weather, big local sports event, etc.
posted by snarfles at 7:29 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
-last week's class totally kicked my ass
-x pose is super hard but I've been working on it
-the other teachers/classes- who/what do you like and why
-weather, big local sports event, etc.
posted by snarfles at 7:29 PM on November 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
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When I went to yoga, I felt very uncomfortable when guys seemed like they paid too much attention to me while I was wearing tight clothes and stretching out my body. I am SURE you're not a creep, I'm sure you're very nice. But maybe just focus on the class, being generally friendly and hope to run into them outside of the class or something. Or, you can even ask someone out once class is over and you've stepped out the room. Just don't be flirty inside the class--it can make the dynamic tense or uncomfortable. BAD FOR YOGA!
posted by rhythm_queen at 9:18 PM on November 12, 2013 [62 favorites]